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Noah
It has been more than four weeks since the accident, making Bella go into that long sleep. Of course, it has been hard but things help to cope with that. Like football, gym, and... studying.
I only am studying because I am making notes for Bella. I am certain when my girlfriend wakes up and gets to know that she was deep sleeping for this long, her first thing concern will be how she missed that many classesâshe is my little nerd.
But I won't deny that studying for her has helped me. It has a lotâAdi almost had a heart attack seeing my As.
Right now, it is almost evening and I am wrapping up my session in the gym when I see Tanner in the middle of the place. I sigh and pick up my bag.
Tanner almost camouflages with the crowd here, because of his tattoos and piercingsâalmost.
"What do you want, Tanner?" I say, walking past him.
Tanner yelps in surprise. Realizing it is me, he breathes out with a hand on his chest. "Jesus, Noah."
I don't say anything back, opening the door of the gym, and walk out. But soon, I hear his quick steps behind me.
"Noah, I want to talk to you."
No reply.
"Noah, please be human again and listen to me?"
No reply, again.
"I didn't know that Luna had called me."
"Don't," I turn towards him. "âever say her name again from that fucking mouth of yours."
Tanner holds up his hands. "I'm not here to get beaten up by you, again, okay?"
"Yet you have some nerve." I cross my arms over my chest.
"Noah, I have to tell you the truth. Adi... he wouldn't listen to me and neither do I have any intention to talk with him. But you... you don't need to say anything. Justâjust listen to me."
Anger simmers under my skin, but looking at Tanner, I somehow get reminded of Bella. He's her friend and, somehow, she trusts himâI know because she told me she used to spend her lunch with him when we weren't talking.
I imagine her disappointing look towards me and that subtle punch on my abdomen. Talk nicely.
I breathe out. "Let's sit and talk."
Tanner's eyes widen but he regains his composure and nods. There is a chair in front of the building and we sit there; him on one end while me on the other.
"So," Tanner starts. "You know, Luna and I were in a relationship. But we also weren't. Like it was more Harry and Hermione than Ron and Hermioneâyou know fromâ"
I pinch the gap between my brows, impatient. "Harry Potter. Yes, I know. Just get to your point. Why were you not there when she had called you? You of course knew about her abusiveâ"
I look away, trying to get that asshole's image out of my mind.
"I only got to know that when I found scars on her hand, one day. She had hidden it pretty well. Used make-up to hide them too well but that day she dropped her bottle on her hand and there it was." Tanner exhales.
"Well, anyway, when I found out, I asked her to call social services but she didn't. She told me that he loved her and hoped so much that he would change. I told her to tell you both but she said you both had enough of your own issues and she didn't want to be another one."
I breathe in, sharply, at that. That woman...
"That's how we became friends," Tanner continues, "And then we went from being friends to being lovers. Too soon, I guess, the change was. And too soon it ended too.
"I was 15 and was trying to figure myself out. It was so confusing then like I did like women but men seemed more attractive to me. I didn't understand it then and I was scared."
"So, Luna was your beard then?"
"Fuck no. She is Luna. Who wouldn't like her? I liked herâI obviously liked her and I thought I liked her romantically but the thing was as the whole relationship proceeded, it got more platonic and I got more confused. We hung out, like friends. Seriously, like friends, because eventually, we stopped kissing."
"Wait." I ask him, "Luna didn't say anything to that? She really liked you."
Tanner looks at me for a moment. Just stares as if he is trying to find something.
Then, he says to me, "I guess at one point."
"What does that mean?"
"Well, this is the hard part." He exhales. "Hours before Luna... passed away, she had come to my place to break up with me."
"She what?"
"She broke up with me."
I glance across his face, trying to understand. "Why?"
He shrugs and kicks his leg in the air. "No idea. Didn't give me much of a reason as she ran away the moment, she told me. The main fucked up part was I wasn't sad. I was more relieved that she broke it off before I did. And also, after that, I came out to my parents as gay on that day."
I push back my hair and sit back, just breathing in and out. Mostly because I have no idea what to say. Lunaâshe had more secrets than I ever thought. Or maybe, I never bothered looking for it actually.
"But you cared about her," I say. "So, when she calledâ"
"My phone was getting flushed," Tanner states. When I raise my brows, he tells me, "My father threw it in the toilet because he thought my gayness was correlated with my phone usage. So, when she called, I never really received her voicemails and when I did, it was too late."
"If I had just..." he trails away.
I sigh, pushing back my hair again. It really is true that there are more sides to the story than what you see.
"I'm sorry."
I know it comes out in a low volume but I'm certain he hears it when he whips his head towards me. Surprise laces his features, but I ignore that.
"I am indeed sorry for assuming that you... purposely did not come to her aid," I say to him, "And also beating you to a pulp. I guess I just wanted to blame the whole thing on someone other than me or that mother fucker."
Surprise slowly fades into a small smile on his face. Tanner says, "It is okay. If I was in your place, I would've done the same."
I nod at him and get up. Just when I am about to leave, he calls me again.
"Summer's coming soon, Noah." He smiles up at the sunset sky. "I can feel it."
***
I'm still thinking about his words when I enter the hospital. Usually, if it would've been someone else, I would dismiss it without a second thought but it is Tanner. And the one thing he's best at is giving subtle messages.
I push back the sleeves of my shirt to my elbows but, on the right, the thread gets stuck on the pendant. I sigh and push down my sleeves on both sides. When I reach the level Iris is on, I find Daisy talking with Doctor Ken in front of her ward.
Daisy has been visiting on alternate weekends. Steve always tries to tell her it is fine and she should stay at college and prepare for her end-terms. But like her sister, she is stubborn as fuck. If she wants to come, she will come.
When the doctor leaves, she notices me and smiles at me.
"Of course, you are here right now," she says as a way of greeting.
I scrunch my brows. "What does that mean?"
She just smiles and shakes her head. "I talked with Ken. He said Iris's doing better!"
Heat rushes to my chest. "Yeah?"
She nods, still smiling.
"How's Mia?" I ask and she huffs a laugh.
"She's in her 'I am going to murder them in the trial' phase," She tells me, "The trial is going to be on Monday."
Mia and my father are a team I didn't know I would see but I am seeingâevery day, discussing their case. They both are hell-bent on wreaking havoc on the Bookers. Especially after Bella's accident.
I sigh, pushing back my hair. "Yeah, I know. I hear about the trial at home, too. That's the only thing that has been going on during dinner."
She raises a brow. "And how do you know that, when you are here every night? Not to put focus on this fact but you are here exactly at the time the visiting hours are over."
I frown. "Daisy, are you trying to be my shrink?"
"Actually, yes." She says and my eyes widen. "Oh, you thought I would deny it. Tsk. Tsk. Your analyzing skills don't apply to me."
"For a shrink, you are quite talkative," I say back, annoyed.
"Well, someone needs to be talkative between us." She messes up my hair and I lean back, giving her a look. But she just chuckles and smiles at me. "Noah, I'm serious. Why haven't you visited her? Even though you come here every day and night, you never go in and prefer to sit outside."
I glance sideways at Bella's ward window. "I don't know. I really don't know."
"You're scared that she won't ever wake up."
I look back at her. "No. I know she will wake up."
"Then why?" She tilts her head. But I gulp and look away from her.
"You know what?" Daisy snaps her fingers. "I have an idea."
"WhaâDaisy."
My disapproving sound happens only because she opens the ward's door and pushes me inside. And then locks the fucking door. She gives me a cheeky grin and a wave through the glass panels of the door. All I can do is gape at her.
"What the fuck?" I gesture towards her, very annoyed.
"Percy loves you too," she says back, grinning.
I take in a deep breath and push back my hair. When I turn away, my gaze falls on her.
Iris's body looks so small in that hospital bed. Her face doesn't have her natural blushing glow, but with her eyes closed, she seems to be in peace. Could've fooled me with sleeping, but she isn't sleep-talking.
Dazed, I walk towards her. I hold her handâsmall and cold.
I remember Steve telling me in the first week that there are instances that coma patients can listen to us when we talk.
So, I tighten my grip on her hand, pulling up the stool and sitting on it. The other hand is kept on her abdomen, plastered and connected with the tubes, as the monitor beside the bed keeps track of her heartbeat.
"Bella," I whisper. "Hi."
My heart clenches at every breath she takes, making her oxygen mask mist. My storm.
"I... I am not good with words and especially when it is about my feelings. Yet I am here, talking to you." I pause. I, of course, didn't know it would be this hard.
"I'm going to tell you what I have never told you before." I can't help the slight lift in the corner of my lips. "Because I am a bloody arse to chicken out when you look at me."
I almost hope for her to open her eyes and give an incredulous look at the way I said 'arse.'; not to mention, the subtle mocking of my accent. But she doesn't. It is just her soft and steady breathing.
I exhale. "You carry three hair clips in your pocket, always, to stop your hair falling in front of your eyes. I know this when I was watching you get ready. You like my armsâI know you will deny it but I have noticed your eyes drifting towards my arms enough."
"You like biting." A light chuckle. "Now, we both know when I got to know that. I swear, I had to take a really cold shower, all because of you. You know what, when you wake up, I am going to make sure you would love getting bitten."
I cough, briefly glancing towards the door. Thankfully, no one hears me, and thus, I continue.
"Your mindâyour mind and the way you think. No one can match that. But your heart..." I take her hand and enclose it between both of mine. "Cazzo, your heart is the best thing about you. So full of hope and care for a person who didn't even think that he deserved anything. Filled the crevices in my heart as if it was yours. What the hell, it is yours."
I breathe in, pulling her hand to my lips. "I was scared of you when I first met you. And it irritated me because I've never been scared of a little person like you. But little did I know then, I wasn't scared of youâI was scared of what I can feel for you. And what I feelâ"
I stop and just focus on the gentle rise and fall of Bella's chest.
"I am not going to say what I was going to say, now." I take a deep breath and give a kiss on her hand, putting it down but not leaving it. "You have to wake up and find out. And you will wake up. Not for me, but for yourself. You have too much life in you to just throw it in garbage. Okay?"
I run my hand across my face and then, push back my hair. "You have to wake up, Bella. Just wake up. Please."
I am about to leave the room when I remember our conversations, from one of the nights I visited her at night.
"You know," Bella had started. We were cuddling; her back was pressed against my chest while our legs were tangled with each other. I had put my head in the crook of her neck, eyes closed, breathing in her scent.
"I've never heard you properly sing."
"So?" I had asked.
"I want to listen to you sing," She had breathed out when I kissed the back of her neck. "Noah!"
I had chuckled and she turned towards me with a cute frown. "You were saying?"
"I want to listen to you sing," She had said it again.
I had sighed. "Bella..."
"I know you hate the way you sound when you sing. But, please, for me?" She had given me that small pout. I had kissed her, instead, and she had whined under me. "Please."
"Fine," I had sighed in defeat. "But not now. Some day."
"You swear?"
"I promise."
Of course, Bella didn't like when I had promisedÂ, not swore. But I somehow convinced her that I meant it, though at that time I just wanted it to get over fast. I don't like the way I sing because of my rasped voice. It just kills the song.
But tonight, I am going to ignore it.
Love's a strange thing. It makes you want to run as further away as possible but at the same time, you want to be nearer too. But either way, it's a wonderful thing. Selfish yet selfless. Bright yet dark. Stupid yet smart. People spend years searching for love. I never understood the hype but now, I do. Without love, life is almost equivalent to death.
I pull the stool closer to the bed and I hold her hand again. Bella is still here and breathing. The room is just filled with the monotonous sound of her heartbeat monitor until I take in a breath and start singing... only for her.
***
I do not know when I drifted to sleep but whenever it was, it can't be more than a minute or so ago. I turn my head and put my hand over it, trying to get back to sleep.
Then, I become aware of the nudging on my hand. I click my tongue, irritated, realizing it must be Adi. He did come earlier to take me home, but I was hell-bent on staying hereâin this ward.
"Stop it."
For a moment, the nudging stops. Just for a momentâas it again started but little more force.
"Goddammit," I murmur, angrily. "Get the fuck away, Adi. I said I'll sleep here. I want to sleep beside Bella."
He giggles.
I swear, this guy. I am trying to sleep and he thinks it is fun to wake meâ
Wait.
Adi never fucking giggles.
My pulse skyrockets. But I stay calm, still, eyes closed, and just dismiss it, giving the blame to my fucking imagination. I haven't done those magic mushrooms but even without those, I am getting these wild imaginations.
Until Bella's hands start pulling out of my hand.
My eyes open, wide and alert, meet the brown orbs I've been dying to see for over a month.
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- a u t h o r ' s n o t e -
guess what? the chapter name is again inspired by niall horan's song by the same name (*hides my face with a pillow* i love him)
also, also, cupcakeslilies made some cool character profiles for our two lovelies: Noah and Irisâwhom we can call niris together? (sounds like NEIGH-RISH. ha, i love it.) here ya go...