How do you sleep after watching your own abduction?
I'll tell you.
You don't.
Kieran's howling continued on through the night until about four in the morning. Not hearing him put my wolf and I on edge. What was I going to do, though? It's not like I could make Eli take me down to the cellars at four in the morning to tell Kieran to keep howling because it's the only thing keeping me sane. No. That would be weird.
I resorted to just going down to the main floor and laying on the couch in the living room. I didn't bother turning on the television. I just sat there on the couch staring out the window hoping to maybe see those blood-red eyes again. I never did.
It was around 5:30 when people started to actually wake up in the house. Some people from outside came in from doing the perimeter runs. I would hate to do night shift. I'd be scared out of my mind. Other people came and went. Most people in the pack house were teens and young adults, so a majority of people left for work seeing as the local schools don't start for like another two weeks.
I think people chose to ignore me. I purposely moved to the rocking chair in the center of the room just so someone would make eye contact with me, but no one ever did! For once, I actually want to be friendly, and this is how it goes. I gave up about an hour and a half later. The kitchen smelled much nicer than the living room anyway.
After relaxing in the kitchen just watching people do whatever they needed to for probably a good hour, I went back to my room. I walked in immediately becoming confused.
"Hello?" I greeted Eli who was sat on the edge of my bed. He furrowed his eyebrows looking at me before looking at the bathroom door and back at me.
"I thought you were in the bathroom," he mumbled. "Why do you close your bathroom door?"
"Uh, I don't know?" I replied slowly still not understanding why he was just sitting in my bed. "Did you need something?"
"No," he shook his head, "just came to check on you. Dad was worried that Kieran was going crazy last night because you weren't okay." That made sense. The last time Kieran went crazy was because he thought Jale was beating the life out of me to get answers that I didn't know.
"I'm fine. I just couldn't sleep hearing him and all," I mumbled walking over to Eli and sitting beside him. He gave me a small smile.
"Yeah, I understand."
"You do?" I asked making him nod.
"I couldn't sleep very well, either. I don't know. Hearing him howling like that is sort of scary. It's almost haunting," he explained. I frowned. He really didn't understand. Eli couldn't fall asleep because he was afraid of Kieran, and his constant howling reinforced that fear. I on the other hand could not sleep because the feelings I had toward him weren't fear but longing. I missed him and thinking about him caused a hurricane to stir up in my stomach.
"That's not what scares me," I spoke up looking away from him and staring at the closed bathroom doors. "What scares me is the fact that we haven't even been here very long-two months or something-, and I can't stand to think about being without him for another week let alone another ten years. I'm trying hold it together, Eli. I really am. I'm trying to be a good daughter, good sister, but I gotta be a good mate, too."
Eli placed a large hand comfortingly onto my thigh causing my eyes to find his again. His icy, blue eyes looked torn. It was almost as if he knew what I was going through. Almost like he knew how torn I was between picking my family or my mate. I knew both of them for only short periods of time, but they both wanted what was best for me. I felt awful because I knew that I would have to pick one in the end.
Eli looked as if he wanted to say something. It was almost like there was a secret on the tip of his tongue that wanted to spill out. His eyes searched my face. I furrowed my brows as I watched his expression go from one of sadness to a stoic expression much like Jale's as he looked away from me.
We each sat there in silence. His hand crept away from my thigh and met it's twin in Eli's lap. I bit my lip staring at the door in front of me. I felt guilty.
Do I tell Eli about the shredder? Do I tell my own brother about the wolf that so many pack wolves fear of or just keep it a secret? Could I live with myself knowing that I was the reason another person was locked in a cell? Could I live with myself knowing I was the reason half of a pack was slaughtered like Alex said shredders do? One wolf wasn't capable of that was it?
No. I couldn't tell Eli. I refused to believe shredders were what Alex had tried so hard to tell me. I refused to believe that Marilyn, Bolton, and Kieran were killers even though the evidence was already in front of me. I pushed away the thought of Kieran killing the red-headed girl or of Marilyn trying to murder me in the park. There was no way a person could do that. The wolf that I saw yesterday wasn't a killer. He was just lost. Yeah, lost. That's all. The shredder with the deep, crimson eyes was just lost.
"Eli," I said interrupting the silence amongst us. His eyes snapped to mine. His baby blues were glazed over with tears causing a pang in my heart. This whole situation was tearing him apart. "Can you tell me about alphas?" I asked which seemed to startle him.
"Alphas?" He repeated with a tilt of his head.
"Yeah, Kieran told me a little bit. He tends to not tell me much," I said remembering all the times he would get upset about certain things like his childhood but never tell me why. Kieran was a pretty closed off person.
"What do you want to know?" Eli asked scratching his wrist obviously a bit uncomfortable talking about it. I wondered why he seemed so weird talking about it but decided not to ask.
"Everything. Why they're so important, what they do, how they come about to being alpha. I just want to know," I explained. Eli's face seemed to drain of color slightly. He nodded his head with a clenched jaw as his eyes looked down at his lap.
"Alphas are the leaders of a pack. They are supposed to make the best decisions for the pack, but not all alphas do that. Some just use their packs for bad, for violence," he said angrily as his blue eyes narrowed onto his hands in his lap. "It's not even very fair if you ask me because alphas aren't even chosen."
"Why aren't they chosen?" Eli's eyes connected with mine again. A darkness swam within the depths of them.
"Alphas pass the title of alpha down to their first born child. Having the bloodline of an alpha makes a wolf stronger than everyone else in the pack. An alpha is the biggest wolf in the pack. He's the leader. No one would dare to rival an alpha wolf for his position. They would be slaughtered," he stated with an angry expression. He seemed almost frustrated.
"Did you want to be the alpha?" I asked sort of connecting the dots. Jale was our older brother, so he was handed down the title of alpha. Something in me told me that Eli didn't really appreciate that much. Eli sucked in a deep breath.
"I'm not saying that I want to be alpha," he murmured. "I'm just saying that we wouldn't have the problems we do if Jale wasn't." We got quiet after that. I didn't know what to say, and by the expression on Eli's face, I didn't want to push the whole Jale subject much more. I had an inkling that Eli didn't get along with our older brother very well.
I almost wanted to laugh out loud.
I had imagined my life so differently in the orphanage and hospital. I always thought that I would find my parents, and they would welcome me with open arms. They would hate themselves for the mistake they made by giving me up. I always imagined that I'd have a brother or sister and maybe even a dog, not that I'd have two brothers who turn into dogs. That never even crossed my mind.
"Tell me about alpha females," I spoke up breaking the silence again.
"Lunas?"
"What the heck is a luna?" Eli seemed slightly amused by my comment. He shook his head at me.
"It's an alpha female, but pack wolves normally just call her luna," Eli said.
"Oh, well then yeah." Eli sighed followed by a deep intake of air. His hands moved up and down his thighs seeming like he were calming himself down.
"Stiletta's a luna. She's Jale's mate. He's the alpha, as you know, which makes her the luna. She's good at her position, but if you ask me, I don't think she really wants to be here," he mumbled.
"Why do you say that?" I asked. His eyes looked down sadly as a frown formed on his pale, pink lips.
"A lot of shit happened between the two them that no one was supposed to know. The only reason I know about it is because Stiletta came to me for help. I didn't really help much, though. I was sixteen. What the hell was I going to do?" He ranted angrily as his hands formed fists. There was glint in his eye at the thought of Stiletta. A glint that I saw in Kieran's eye every once in a while when he would look at me. "Go up against an alpha? Yeah, right," he mumbled to himself. I don't think he thought I heard him, so I decided to just let him believe I hadn't.
"I'm sure that you did all that you could have done, Eli," I said placing a comforting hand onto his arm. My wolf was silent which was unusual. I wondered where her weird humming or angry screams were. They definitely weren't here.
"I guess." His eyes were trained on my hand that rubbed along his muscular arm. "I wanted to do more, but I couldn't. Jale's my alpha, and I have to follow and respect his orders. It's the same with the rest of the pack. We may not agree with him, but we do have to respect him."
"You have to?" Eli didn't bother looking up at me. Instead, he just nodded.
"If we don't submit to him, he'll make sure that we wish we did," he said rubbing a large scar on his arm that I had never noticed before. I bit the inside of my cheek feeling my heart rate speed up. Jale didn't-he wouldn't. He would never hurt his own little brother, would he? He wouldn't actually hurt Eli just because he didn't submit, would he? Just because Eli wouldn't cower away and bow in the presence of his own brother? My eyes grew at the thought.
"Eli, what do you mean by submit?" I shot out. He looked up at me noticing the sudden urgency in my voice.
"Like bowing your head and not looking your alpha or luna in the eye. That sort of stuff. Why?" Eli countered making my blood run cold. That wolf-that shredder bowed his head to me. No. Marilyn and Bolton are the only members of Kieran's little pack. That was it. The three of them. Right? I'm not going crazy! There was only three of them!
"Nothing," I spoke quietly not looking Eli in the eye. How was I supposed to tell him that a shredder was acting submissive towards me. I couldn't.
"Grey, you're an awful liar. What the hell is wrong?" Eli pushed forgetting his anger from moments ago. I just shook my head leaning away from him.
"It's nothing, I swear. It's-it's just I'm tired, and I can feel Kieran's emotions through the bond," I lied. "He's upset or something. I don't know. It's making my wolf upset." I was surprised that my lie actually had managed to convince Eli. "Why are shredders' eyes red?" I asked before Eli had the opportunity to change his mind and realize my little, white lie.
"They aren't. Kieran's are green," Eli stated. I glared at him.
"No, you know I mean. Your eyes turn black, there's don't. Why are their's red?" Eli's jaw clenched.
"It's their wolves. A shredder's wolf is on a permanent bloodlust. It's dangerous," he explained. "I don't understand it very well. I don't think many people do. It's just passed down generation through generation, I guess. Savage wolves birthing savage wolves. It's like a mutation, I guess."
"That's why you're all so scared of them. It's their wolves. Their wolves kill people," I stated slowly connecting the dots.
Kieran wasn't a killer, but that didn't mean his wolf wasn't.
"Grey, our wolves are a part of us. There's always a little bit of us in our wolves." The color drained from my cheeks as I shook my head. No. I'm not my wolf. Marilyn's not her wolf. Bolton isn't his wolf, and Kieran isn't either.
Kieran isn't an animal, and neither am I.
"What color are my eyes?" I snapped hurriedly staring Eli dead in the eyes.
"Grey," Eli said simply. His facial features all turning quite stoic as he let the question sink in.
"Eli, that's not what I meant. What are they?" I repeated. Eli's jaw clenched as his blue eyes scanned my face before settling back onto mine.
"They're black, Grey. You're a pack wolf. Kieran can't change that."
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I think I'm sick. I don't know, though. I got a head ache.
Btw we're #36 in werewolf guys!!
Photo is Marilyn Bc I miss her.
Stay awesome Gotham. 9/17/16