Chapter 35: 35.

(Picture of Wayne Owens)

• • •

"It's positive, Ms. Owens."

Fuck.

"I'm sorry?" My doctor clears his throat. Oops, did I just cursed out loud?

"How?" I croak out.

Cass has reminded me about 'the time of the month' and that made me recall that I haven't had my cycle in more than a month. I have been so busy with school, Zac and dwelling in sadness that it completely slipped my mind. Damn it.

"Um..." Dr. Mike trails off.

"How?" I repeat. "I've been taking the morning after pill."

"Ms. Owens, Plan B isn't always effective. If you are having regular sexual activity, taking birth control or any other regular contraception will be much better." He advises me, looking at me with a sympathetic smile.

"Well, fuck." I sigh, cupping my face into my hands. How did I let this happen, again? Knowing I've already been pregnant once, I should've been way more careful!

Moreover, this is a horrible time for this to happen. I'm in no right state of mind to be a young and unprepared single mother.

"Are you alright, Ms. Owens? If you need someone to talk to, I can always arrange an appointment for you. I know this is a huge change, and you may need some time to decide what's your next course of action."

"H-how far along am I?" I stammer. I can't do this. I can't do this.

"Mmm.. according to the date of your last menstrual cycle, I'd presume you may be approximately 4-5 weeks pregnant. If you want, we can do an ultrasound now so we can see better." He gestures to the bed at the left of the room.

I nod, following him and allow him to squirt the cold gel on my belly. It's not the first time I've had an ultrasound done, and it surely isn't going to make me happy now doing one. I'm not even ready for a child, for god's sake!

Dr. Mike glides the equipment on my belly for a minute in silence while I carefully watch the monitor. Obviously, I can't tell what is what. So I wait patiently for him to inform me.

"I can't seem to find a sac. It may be because it's too early, but there's also a possibility of it being an ectopic pregnancy. Just to be sure, I recommend that we do a blood test to check your hCG level." He suggested.

I agreed and let him prick a needle in me. I didn't even feel the pain. I practically blanked out, not knowing what to think. It's overwhelming me that a couple of days ago, I was thinking about the fact that Zac made someone else pregnant and now, I'm pregnant too.

I mean, what am I going to do?

———

As per Dr. Mike's direction, I am to return to him one week later to take another blood test. That one week, I lived like I was lost. My only distraction was going to class, so I made sure I got to every lecture early and left the latest.

I could no longer spend my nights drinking away now that I found out I'm pregnant. In fact, I even tried to cut down on smoking; although some days I couldn't help but still grab a stick or two—I was simply too stressed out and keeping this all to myself wasn't helping.

Cass and Ally both knew something was up with me. They assumed I simply had a fall-out with Zac since I kept making us avoid staying around on campus where we may chance across him and her.

Wayne brought up my absence from our usual lunch breaks once, but I made up a lie that Cass was the one who was going through some personal stuff and wanted space. I told him I was merely staying by her side as she needed me and he didn't seemed to suspect it.

Zac finally got the hint that I was ignoring him. He texted and called but I wouldn't even read them. I didn't think I could stomach even more lies when I already found out the truth. He made the effort to come over to the house but I ended up going out for a run each time and promptly avoided him. He didn't stay long anyway; he was always going to her when he couldn't wait long enough for me.

I hesitated to call up my mother. I wanted to ask her to get me my apartment again. Albeit after all these months, I was growing sure that she never actually planned to find me one. She wanted Wayne and I to live together and fix our relationship. It worked, but now it didn't seem like such a good idea to live somewhere where your sort-of ex could come by freely and whenever anymore.

I struggled about the right thing to do. If I were to expose him, I couldn't even begin to imagine what would happen to his friendship with my brother. And it wasn't just that. Carson would most likely have to pick sides too. He was dating Cass, and I knew Cass would totally flip out if she found out.

On top of the fact that I'm pregnant now, Wayne would definitely be even more pissed. It felt like anything I do, I'd end up hurting and failing someone in the end. I was such a mess.

———

"Good to see you again, Ms. Owens." Dr. Mike greets me with a smile.

I wish I could say the same.

I muster up a smile just to be polite and take a seat in front of him. He flips through some papers on the table before looking up to break the news to me.

"Ms. Owens," he begins. "I'm afraid after two hCG test and both ultrasounds not showing a sac, it means that the pregnancy has likely stopped progressing on its own." He turns around the paper that's filled with gibberish towards me and points to the part where there's numbers.

"From your first hCG, you were at a level of 600. Your second one came back to be 300. A normal, healthy pregnancy would've continuously increase in hCG level by the day. The fact that yours actually decreased is a sign that the fetus has stopped developing." He explains to me.

"Why?" I ask. Have I done something wrong to cause it?

"Well, miscarriages are actually quite common in the first trimester of a pregnancy. There are various things that may lead to it such as hormornal problems, chromosomal anomalies or trauma; but the cause is usually unindentified."

Miscarriage. I'm about to have another miscarriage.

"Wh-what happens now?"

Dr. Mike puts up a faint smile and reaches out to lightly pat my hand as an attempt to console me. "We have options. You can either choose to wait for the miscarriage to happen on its own, or opt for a pill or D&C. However, I normally recommend my patients to do a D&C regardless of their choice. It's a procedure where we will open up your cervix and clean up your uterine lining to make sure no tissue is left inside."

"Alright," I decided in a second. "I'll do the D&C." I'm not going to go through the pain of miscarriage cramps again. Not after knowing how excruciating it was for me.

"Okay. I'll get my nurse to book an appointment for you. Do you have anymore questions that you want to ask?"

I think about it for awhile. To be fair, this conversation happened in a mere ten minutes. I came in here expecting to actually see the fetus on the monitor today, only to be told that it isn't growing anymore. I should've felt relieved about it, yet I couldn't help but feel immensely guilty.

Although Dr. Mike said there are several factors that causes a miscarriage, I keep feeling like I was the one who caused it. I mean, I was binge drinking alcohol for three consecutive nights. I was smoking cigerattes every single day before I found out about the pregnancy. I also once had a miscarriage previously, which could've somehow increased the risk of me miscarrying.

"This is my second miscarriage," I admit. "Will this be a problem in future pregnancies?" I ask weakly, afraid to hear the answer. Maybe I just don't deserve to have kids. I've already lost two innocent ones.

"Oh." He straightens up. "Most women do go on to have a healthy pregnancy after a miscarriage. Unless there's a known cause to the miscarriages, only then can we find out and determine the odds. Do you mind me asking what happened to your first pregnancy?"

I shake my head. "It was, um, physical trauma." I confess, feeling a tug in my chest. I hated having to relive it in my head.

He doesn't says anything for awhile, worrying me. "Just to clarify, you were hit in the stomach?"

I nod, looking down at the table to avoid his gaze.

"And is there by any chance anything related to injurying yourself recently?"

"Um, I did sort of get into a minor car accident about two months ago. But I didn't really got hurt anywhere other than some aching for the first two days."

Dr. Mike taps his pen absent-mindedly. "I'll suggest, Ms. Owens, that we do further tests just to make sure nothing is damaged inside. If unfortunately there're uterine or cervix issues, at least we can seek treatment and see what we can do to prevent another miscarriage."

"I...yeah, I consent."

Shortly after booking an appointment for the procedure tomorrow, I exit the clinic feeling weirdly heavy. So many things being thrown at me in such a short time span is overwhelming me.

From knowing about Zac hiding things, to Becca's pregnancy, to witnessing them sleep with each other, to discovering about my own pregnancy, then finding out I have to go through a second miscarriage and that there's a possibility something inside me is damaged or not working; there's really so much I can take.

That night, I drive myself to a remote park alone and just... cry.

———

I wake up feeling extremely tired. My hair is in complete disarray and my back aches at the uncomfortable position I fell asleep in my car awhile ago. My face, particularly my eyes, feel swollen and puffy from all the crying I did. It was stupid, but crying did make me feel slightly better. I felt like I let a huge part of me out through those tears and it wasn't so suffocating anymore.

Looking at the digital clock in my car, I decide to take a quick drive home for a shower and prepare myself. I know best that nobody will be awake at 6AM on a Friday morning to question me about my whereabouts. Besides, the D&C has been fixed at 8AM. Two hours to kill time doesn't sounds so bad.

I pull up to the driveway as silently as I can, tip-toeing in the house and up the stairs so as not to wake anyone up. Zac's car is parked next to Wayne's Range Rover, signalling me that he most likely is here. I prayed that he isn't in my bedroom, but when I creak open the door, I can clearly see his unconscious body on my bed snoring softly.

I sigh to myself, closing the door back. I refuse to risk being caught, although I badly wanted to fall in bed even just for five minutes. Seeing as I still needed to shower, I tip-toe downstairs in the dark again to head to the laundry. Since I can't get my clothes from my own wardrobe, this is the only other way for me to change into something clean and comfy.

I grab a folded white t-shirt and an oversized hoodie that belongs to my brother. Unfortunately, my clothes are either unwashed or have already been kept in my wardrobe. Only a lazy bum like Wayne will leave clean clothes lying around on top of the washing machine for days until he remembers them.

That also means that I don't have clean undies to change into. Well, guess I'll just settle with disposable panties for a day. Besides, one of the side effects of a D&C includes spotting or light bleeding. It'll probably be best that I can just wear and dump it later.

I will myself not to think about the fact that Zac is sleeping in my room, on my bed. I keep telling myself to get over it, go back to being friends, but it almost feels impossible with the way I still yearn for him and hurt at the same time.

Damn feelings.

———

Groggily, I fling open my eyes to see white lights shining way too brightly in the room. For a moment, I almost panic at the unfamiliar surrounding until I recall that I'm in the clinic.

Dr. Mike told me that it was going to be a swift and precise procedure, but I had to be given general anesthesia and will be knocked out for a couple hours at least. I also asked to take the birth control injection at once. I was done being irresponsible to myself and my own body. It was time I start it, in fact I should've done so a long time ago, although I'm not even entirely sure if I'll still be having sex any time soon anymore.

I continue lying on the bed that they transferred me to, savouring the feel of having a well-deserved rest. The nurse comes in after awhile and notices that I'm awake, before coming to check on me.

"Hi Ms. Owens," she crouches down to the height of the bed to speak to me and face level. "How are you feeling? Is there anything you need?"

"No," my voice comes out raspy and I clear my throat to try again. "No. I just feel a little light-headed, but otherwise I'm okay I think." I try to sit up with her help. "What time is it?" I ask her. Not having my phone with me to tell time is such an inconvenience.

She glances at her wrist watch. "It's 3:55PM now. Are you having any cramps?"

I shake my head no. "Not really. Everything feels fine down there." I assure her. "Am I allowed to go home yet?"

"Is there anyone who's coming to pick you up?" She probes.

"Uh, no."

"Oh. Um, I'm sorry, Ms. Owens. We have a strict rule that we do not discharge patients home on their own. At least one friend or family should be around to pick you up as we do not wish for anyone to drive in a compromising state of mind or health." She smiles at me apologetically. "Is there anyone you can call?"

I sigh, shaking my head. Nobody knows I'm here and I intended to keep this a secret. "Can't I just go home on my own? I can take a cab and come get my car another day?" I plead.

She shakes her head back at me. "I'm afraid not, Ms. Owens. Having just woken up from sedation is not advisable for you to be out alone. It is best that someone can be there to help you out should you require any help. Otherwise, our policy is for you to stay here until your light-headedness and all other side effects completely goes away before you'll be given the clear."

"And how long will that take?" I can't possibly wait here for hours doing nothing. I've already done nothing but sleep the entire day while people work on me.

"I can't say for sure. Some patients recover fairly quickly while some requires a whole day to feel better. However, I'll have to inform you that if you do decide to wait it out, there'll be extra hourly charge for occupying the recovery ward. I still suggest that you call someone up in order to save that kind of money."

I give in in the end, realizing it's not worth it to empty my already depleting bank account just for a few hours rest. The nurse comes back with my belongings and my phone after retrieving it for me and I aimlessly scrolls through my contact list, thinking of someone to call.

Biting my lip, I shakily dial the person whom I know will come help me out. I just hope I have my explanation ready later when the grilling begins.

• • •

A/N: Quick disclaimer that part of this chapter is written based on my own personal experience in regards to pregnancy and miscarriage.

In case anybody feels sorry, don't be. Two years after that miscarriage, I went on to have a healthy pregnancy and gave birth to my child. I am now a divorced, young, single mother to my three-year-old and I'm contented.

If any of you are or have gone through a miscarriage, please don't be disheartened. And please, don't blame yourself. Like I've written, most miscarriages do indeed happen without known causes. Stay strong. <3

Sentimental stuff aside, who do you guys think Kelsey called? ;)

And by the way, I deliberately wrote this all in 1 chapter because I didn't want to leave a cliffhanger that Kelsey's pregnant and leave y'all cursing at me!

I actually kind of dislike it when babies ruin the story, so I generally won't do it myself. The kids that I write in my other books are already born before the story even started. 😂