The most painful type of sad, the worst type of hurt, is when your tears can't even fall and you feel nothing; you feel more than nothing, you feel apathy.
It's like the world has just ended and you can't cry, see, hear, think, or breathe. You just stay.
For a moment, your heart dies.
The only thing I wondered is why Misha had hurt me so much?
Why him?
Even when Alexander wrote to them that he didn't want me back, that didn't pierce me as painfully as this. Even being torn apart from him for more than a few days or weeks didn't nearly hurt me as much as this.
'It's because you trusted him,' A voice whispered to me.
The funniest thing was that now I wanted to be back with Alexander. Why was that funny? Because that was my biggest fear, returning back to him after everything I learned about his true self.
Maybe... maybe just maybe that wasn't my biggest fear?
Something told me that the reason my heart had died was that my biggest fear was the one who had caused my pain.
"Maria, open." I heard his voice behind the locked door.
I closed my eyes.
Come on, cry! Let your emotions fall all over the place and let all this agonizing pain out! Maria, darn you, cry!
I couldn't, the tears wouldn't come. They were being replaced with an empty nothingness, and empty carelessness, and just empty, lonely, darkness. I took a deep breath and stood up. I trudged to the door and opened it to reveal him.
His shirt clung to his body, lining his muscles. The scar on his neck and on his face drew my eyes to them. Funny, a day ago I would have known exactly who was standing at my door. The scars seemed so familiar, the muscular body shape, and the eyes.
But this was a different person. I didn't know what he was thinking. I didn't know what he wanted. I couldn't read his eyes or his face and his scars terrified me.
His eyes, dark and dangerous. Empty and cold. Emotionless and unresponsive. So different to the eyes I was used to.
"We're attending an event tonight. Dress nice."
His voices sounded strange to my ears. It was deep and powerful, very similar to the one I was used to but... not quite. I couldn't tell what the difference was; maybe there was a problem with my ears?
I nodded. Yes, that was it.
He left the room and I sat on my bed. Like I've mentioned before, I couldn't feel anything except for apathy. There was no motivation in me to get up and do anything.
'You'll have to eventually,' my brain whispered to me.
Yes, I knew. I knew I would have to be as obedient as a slave to a king and if they said to be ready and look nice, then I would.
And so I did. I got ready. I knew I had a long while before we had to go, but I couldn't do anything else.
I sat in white; all white and gold. Snow white pants, a snow white top, and a long white jacket, or blazer. I had a gold necklace and bracelet, and large, dangly, gold earrings. A gold belt was the only barrier between the top and the pants. I had on white heels, with a hint of gold.
Why was I dressed in white?
I didn't know. I didn't know anything at this point.
Why are you wearing heels, Maria? Don't you hate them?
Yes, yes I did.
I groaned and got up from my bed.
Maria, get yourself together! You knew this would happen, you knew you couldn't trust him or... or... develop... well, feelings! Feelings of friendship, of course!
"Stop lying," I muttered under my breath and threw a pillow at the window.
"And stop being mad!" I threw another pillow.
I needed to get out of here. I stormed out of the room and made my way down the hall. I didn't know where I was headed, but I just needed to get away from all that traitorous air.
And suddenly I was outside. It was snowing again.
"God! Thank you!"
I closed my eyes and spun in the snow.
I loved snow and I needed a little bit of love from the world.
"God, oh thank you for loving me!" I whispered into the cold and still air.
And then another sign of love; my baby kicked at my stomach reminding me that I was never alone.
"Thank you..."
I slowly dropped to the snowy ground and covered my face with my hands. Finally, a few tears began to fall from my eyes and I let them.
I wanted to release all this awful energy into something, and I couldn't keep on throwing pillows or yelling at God and my baby.
It hurt. Crying hurt but I needed it to hurt. It was more bearable to have physical pain than emotional. Crying relieved the emotional pain and so I welcomed it.
I sat like a little baby in a pool of snow, my tears racing down my cheeks. I didn't bother wiping them away anymore. All I could think about was Misha.
The moment kept replaying in my head over and over again until it stopped making me cry.
My brain found another stimulation for my tears and began a slideshow of his gentle and kind self. All the words of encouragement he spoke, every kind word he whispered to me to make me laugh and smile. Every time he took me and told me that I need to let go and be free.
I cried about every single memory my brain could reveal to me until I had cried too much.
And what happens when a crazy woman like me stops crying over heartbreak?
She laughs.
"Why," I laughed, "am I so stupid?"
I looked up at the sky and continued laughing, a full and breaking laugh.
I began to cry again. "Why! Why am I so stupid?"
Then I laughed.
I knew why. He made himself so trustable and likable and even though in the back of my mind, I knew that he was a dangerous man, I still let myself be charmed by him.
Why?
A few tears left my eyes. I had stopped crying and laughing. I just felt sad and upset at myself.
He taught me how much I can love life. How to live life and not care about what others may be thinking. Whenever I was with him, I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I didn't need to have 'a status' and it was okay to just be Maria. We had a connection; we knew each other so well.
"God, help me out of this awful and painful hole. I hate Misha for everything he did, and for how easily I trusted him and came to well, almost love him."
Wait. Maybe God was punishing me with this because I kissed Misha and cheated on Alexander? That was a solid reason.
I groaned. "Okay, fine, God! Maybe I shouldn't blame all my pain on Misha. I was wrong about many things as well. I shouldn't have kissed him and I shouldn't have trusted him so easily. But I am still very upset about what he did."
I got up. Time to get myself together.
I still had no motivation to do anything. It hurt. I prayed and I cried and I even laughed, but the pain was still there. It probably wasn't going to leave anytime soon. I felt much better after my conversation with God and after throwing pillows and after crying in the snow; I knew I made a little progress in my pain but the apathy was still enveloping my heart. It hurt me.
I slowly trudged back to my room. My pants and blazer jacket were all wet from the snow, and my top was wet as well, but from the tears that had fallen on my belly.
Thankfully, I still had time to dry this wonderfully white outfit.
I sat next to the drawer.
Suddenly, a little idea came to mind. I pulled it open and took out a certain letter and a pen.
Time to decipher the letter.
Now, where did we leave off?
l, e, x, r, a, n, d, e, r, v, a, s, i, l, i, e, v.
I frowned. Why was this so hard?
I looked at the rest of the letter.
She takes everything pink, happy, alluring, normal, and not dreadful- your own umbrella, right for igniting a nice, courageous, exciting- everyone keeps note of wonderful messages exactly.
True, her empire, yellow, has a very entertaining mindset- your wit interested for energy.
It didn't make sense. None of it.
Everyone keeps note of wonderful messages exactly.
What if that was a clue? I had to keep note of a wonderful message. I continued reading.
Has a very entertaining mindset- your wit interested for energy.
Yes! Maybe that meant that I was being entertained by this stupid joke. If I am interested in energy, does that mean that I will use this passage to help fuel my transcription?
Darn! What about my yellow empire? Was that a time we visited something gold? Or was I wearing yellow when we went somewhere?
How was that useful to my transcription?
I groaned and laid back in my bed. Why would Misha want to construct such an awfully encoded message?
I sat up. What if it wasn't a message? And he was just trying to throw a few words together and send them to me to make me suffer?
I nodded. That seemed much more likely.
So then why couldn't I get it out of my head? I took it and read it through again.
There's no way that he would send this without it enclosing a message.
Wait...
I jumped up.
What if it wasn't Misha?
I hurried to my note that I had brainstormed on. I knew it looked familiar!
l, e, x, r, a, n, d, e, r, v, a, s, i, l, i, e, v.
Of course! Of course, it would be from Alexander! He was a brilliant man as well and he could send something that seemed like a joke but wasn't insanely difficult to decipher.
What did I do to find this?
I stared back at the letter. Right! The first letter of each word.
I, a, m, a, l, e, x, r, a, n, d, e, r, v, a, s, i, l, i, e, v.
I stared at the letters before I formed it into a sentence.
I am Alexander Vasiliev.
Why he put the extra 'r' in there I had no idea. I understood the message though. Time to continue.
A smile lit up my face. I felt like a spy who at any moment could be uncovered.
I wasn't completely wrong. I wasn't allowed to communicate with Alexander. Misha had been pretty clear to let me know about that.
And they were right next door.
A shudder ran through my body. This was thrilling. Much more fun than crying in the snow.
S, t, e, p, h, a, n, a, n, d, y, w, u, r, f, i, a, n, c, e, e, k, n, o, w, m, e.
I looked again.
It looked like a sentence except for that very strange letter, 'w'.
I looked back at the letter! Of course! That was supposed to be an 'o'.
Okay, the sentence read: Stephan and your fiancee know me.
I frowned. My fiancee?
Then a little lightbulb went off. Of course! He was writing to Kate, not to Maria. And Kate was engaged to Mikael.
Okay, let's continue.
T, h, e, y, h, a, v, e, m, y, w, i, f, e.
I shuddered. They have my wife.
I, m, n, o, t, s, u, r, e , w, h, e, r, e, s, h, e, i, s, o, r, h, o, w, t, h, e, y, g, o, t, h, e, r, o, r, w, h, y, s, h, e, s, w, i, t, h, t, h, t, h, e, m.
Wait, hold on. It formed a sentence until the ending. I looked back at the letter. No, I deciphered it correctly.
Okay fine, time to use logic. I would ignore that extra 'th'.
I'm not sure where she is or how they got her or why she is with them.
I frowned. Wait, so he didn't know about exactly where I was? And he didn't know how they got me? Why did he send them the letter then, asking for them to keep me?
I sighed. Time to keep deciphering. Maybe the answer would be within the script.
I, d, o, n, t, e, v, e, n, k, n, o, w, w, h, e, r, e, t, h, e, y, a, r, e, k, e, e, p, i, n, g, h, e, r, b, u, t, i, n, e, e, d, h, e, r, b, a, c, b.
I don't even know where they are keeping her but I need her back.
p, l, e, a , s, e, k, a, t, e, t, h, i, s, i, s, v, e, r, y, i, m, p, o, r, t, a, n, t.
Please Kate this is very important.
I smiled.
He cared. Alexander cared!
I hurried to finish the letter.
D, o, n, t, t, e, l, l, t, h, e, m, a, n, y, t, h, i, n, g, p, l, e, a, s, e, i, b, e, g, y, o, u.
Don't tell them any thing please I beg you.
I smiled. Then I frowned. I had reached the end of the letter.
And he still didn't enclose how exactly he was going to get me back.
Great.
This was good though. Alexander was searching for me! He cared about me and he wanted me back. In fact, it was very important for him to get me back. He even contacted Kate to get Maria... I smiled.
Life wasn't horrible after all.
It never was though.
'Except for when Misha betrayed you.'
Darn, why did my brain have to keep reminding me?
"Maria!" I heard a knock at the door and his voice calling me once more.
I quickly stuffed the papers into the drawer and hurried to open the door.
"Let's go," he said after quickly glancing me over.
I nodded and left the room. Misha took my hand and I let him. After all, he was my fiancee and I also didn't want to make Stephan, who was walking behind us, to be mad.
And so we walked. It was snowy and cold but not as cold as the atmosphere raging between Misha and me.
Finally, we walked into a stone building. It was simple, like any regular building in the city. We walked up the stairs and then entered a room.
An older gentleman walked into the room shortly after our crew walked in.
Stephan greeted the man right away.
"Vladimir Ilyich."
He nodded. Then he noticed me and his eyes lit up. "Is this the madam?"
Stephan nodded and held a hand toward me. I hesitantly took it and he brought me over to the man.
"This is Katerina Parfenova. My daughter."
The gentleman carefully inspected me like inspecting an illegal weapon shipped across the ocean. He had gray hair, but not enough wrinkles for him to be elderly. He had a large ring on his finger and a watch on his wrist. Both looked very expensive. His eye would twitch each time he found something interesting and I hated it.
"Very well, she can be useful." He finally said.
Oh, not to mention, I also hated his voice. It sounded like a snake. A deep snake that had too many illegal secrets.
"Brilliant," Stephan said and a smile crept up his face.
I frowned and a nervous feeling came to my stomach. Why did I feel like I was being sold?
"Wait! How many months preganant is she?" Vladimir Ilyich asked, raising a hand.
I groaned. Mentally, of course. Couldn't he just ask me?
Stephan turned to Misha.
Misha turned to me and stared at me with a look that was so familiar and welcoming. Like he understood exactly what I was feeling right now and he wanted to help me.
And my stupid brain wanted to believe him.
His eyes looked so genuine. Just like I knew them to be.
But they weren't! He wasn't the same Mishka that I knew.
I turned away before I would be tempted to forgive him.
"Five months." He finally said.
My heart erupted into a dozen more feelings.
Why?
Because he knew me so well! Darn him, he knew me extremely well and I loved that. I hated it as well, but I also loved it.
"Okay, that's not too bad. Please, bring her again," Vladimir Ilyich said and then left the room.
Stephan and everyone else also piled out, with me being the only one with a huge frown.
Why did we come all the way here for this? What was going on?
We walked back to the hotel and questions were floating all around my brain. I had actually liked being a hostage to these men. We traveled and they treated me well and I was actually having a good time.
Not anymore. I wanted to run and hide from them. Suddenly, I was terrified.
'About time,' my brain commented, 'You've been kidnapped by a Russian gang and just now are you starting to realize what that means.'
'Oh, shut up!' I answered.
The men escorted me to my room and then immediately left to theirs. Thank God.
I went straight for my drawer but stopped.
A huge bouquet of white roses stood on the drawer. I rushed up and hugged the flowers, leaning down to smell them.
They smelled wonderfully and brought back so many good memories. It also brought back a few memories of when I was being threatened.
I quickly checked the flowers for a note. Sure enough, there was a note tied to a rose with a gold ribbon. I frowned and opened it.
Meet me at the back of the hotel, next to the large willow tree. DON'T TELL ANYONE.
AV
I quickly threw away the note and rushed out the door. I walked as casually as I could through the halls until I reached the back exit. As soon as I was outside, I ran through the snowy paths until I reached the fountain.
I gasped.
A man in a suit stood at the fountain, with a bouquet of vibrant, red roses. His back was turned to me and I hesitantly walked up.
The snow was falling and I couldn't make out who it was. That scared me and as I continued to walk closer, I closed my eyes.
My heart hammered in my chest against my ribs and my breathing quickened.
I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.