Every day I woke up into a new winter wonderland. Misha and I would walk through the city, and I loved every single moment of our walks.
The cities were decorated with wreaths and holly, and many Christmas lights. There were Christmas trees on every corner filled with many beautiful ornaments and candles and topped with a large star or angel. When we walked past the shops and looked into the windows, we would see miniature Christmas trees, many gorgeous nativity sets, complete with a beautiful manger and three wise men and a stable with animals, we saw little Santa's shop villages, and many wonderful toys.
The snow falling all around us made the entire experience so much more magical and memorable. I was in love with all of this.
My little baby was very active in all walks. It seemed like whenever we would get excited about receiving a candy cane or seeing a new addition to the Christmas decorations, my baby would start kicking.
Misha was as kind and wonderful to me as he possibly could be. He would stop by at the shops and buy some clothing for the babe. We still had no clue if it was a girl or a boy, but that didn't stop him from buying adorable outfits.
Of course, my baby wasn't the only one being spoiled. Misha would constantly buy me little gifts here and there. A necklace, a pack of good Russian candy or biscuits, an ornament or magnets and all sorts of other simple but sweet gifts.
"Darling, stop thinking." A sound came from the bed across from mine and it drew a smile on my face.
Yes, did I mention that now he had moved into my room? Of course, he did sleep on the other bed but I was still so happy to have him here.
I tried to erase the smile but it just wouldn't come off. Eh, whatever. Everyone knew how we felt about each other now, and so there was no use hiding the fact that literally anything he did or said drew a smile on my face.
"So, what will we be doing today?"
"Whatever we want, love."
I rolled my eyes. "Misha, just give me a straight answer. If we don't plan the day right now, we're going to end up just spending the entire day being lazy in bed."
Suddenly my face came in contact with a pillow. Laughing, I pulled it off of me and threw it back at Misha, hoping to throw it with the same force as he did to me. Of course, that would never happen... have you ever seen his muscles? Ah...
"I wouldn't be completely opposed to that." He said and jumped into my bed.
He wrapped his strong arms around me and held me in place, every once in a while tickling me, while I tried desperately to get out from his grasp.
"Let-" I said, laughing and kicking at him, "-me-" he tickled me and another burst of laughter left me, breaking me off again. I took a deep breath of fresh air and then finished the sentence, "-go!"
"Alright, alright, darling. We do have a busy day so we better get going."
I smiled. "Perfect. What are we doing?"
He jumped out of bed and my eyes lingered on his nicely toned chest. He smirked and gently placed a kiss on my cheek.
"Just get ready, love."
He headed into the bathroom and soon I heard the water running. Good, now I could get ready.
I pulled on some light pink pants and a matching top, filled with a sequin design. I attached some pearl stud earrings and sequined heels.
Finally, Misha came out of the restroom, all dressed up with his wet hair messily sprawled on his head. He winked at me when he noticed me staring and immediately a blush ran onto my face.
God, I was hopeless. Get yourself together, Maria!
But man, he was a very... and I mean very attractive man.
"Quit staring darling, let's go."
He grabbed my hand as he let out one of his warm, deep laughs. He opened the door for me, but as soon as I stepped to walk through, he slid in through with me and whispered, "You look gorgeous, my love. Trust me, I'm staring too."
Another wave of flaming heat hit me in the face and I closed my eyes, trying to take a deep breath to get some of the red color away from my cheeks.
It worked when we got outside and the cold air and snowflakes clung to me. We walked for a little while, and Misha just held my hand. It was cold outside, but just the heat from his hand made me all nice and warm.
I felt like I was back in high school and was a school girl in love with the hot boy that no one could have... but I did have him.
I looked at his face. His cheeks were red too, but that was from the cold air. His hair was still a little damp, and snowflakes stuck to it very easily. The little scars on his face and the wrinkles next to his eyes and mouth from smiling too much were so comforting.
Yes, yes, I did have him but only for a little while.
"In here, my love." He led me to a little shop, with the words Babushka's Borscht written in neon letters.
I smiled. "Are you sure this place is safe? We're in the middle of nowhere and this... little street shop isn't exactly a safe looking place."
"Maria, love, you're not in New York anymore. We're in Russia and here we love the little street shops on strange streets in the middle of nowhere. I promise you, those are the best. Besides..." his hand slid down to my hips and he gave me a gentle squeeze, "if it's not safe, I'll be there with you."
I smiled. "Very well, let's go eat some borscht."
We walked in and I realized that Misha had been very right. This place was the best. It was small and there weren't many people, but the people that were there definitely looked Russian. Hardcore Russian and that just made the entire atmosphere so... welcome to me.
I smiled. "I'll admit, you're right. This is awesome."
"Good. Let's get settled and start eating this food, yes?"
We sat at a table that was decorated very simply. Just like it would be at home if you went to a village somewhere. There was black bread on a plate, salt, pepper, and a plate of dill. There were a few flowers in a cup and the chairs had comfortable rugs draped on.
We began to eat, without talking, we just kept putting more and more food into our mouths. Every once in a while when Misha's leg accidentally brushed against mine or his eyes met mine with that deep stare we would smile, but that was all the communication between us.
Finally, we had scarfed down the food and the sweet old lady brought us some tea in large mugs and a few slices of the famous Russian cake, Napoleon.
We finally slowed down and began to talk while eating.
"Maria, you know how much I'm going to miss this?"
I frowned. "Misha, don't say that. We can't think about that, not now."
He grabbed my hand and held it very tightly. There was something in his eyes... fear?
"No, I know that you don't, hell even I don't, want to talk about it but we have to."
I closed my eyes. "Just shut your mouth and oh this is so good!"
My heart grew very heavy as I stuffed a fork full of cake into his mouth. "See? This is delicious!" I exclaimed smiling, but my eyes began to water just the slightest bit.
He quickly ate the cake and before I could stuff his face again, he took my other hand. "Listen to me, Maria."
I sighed a deep and heavy sigh and put down the fork.
"We're done with Alexander."
I raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean you're done?"
"I mean," Misha said closing his eyes, "I mean that we've decided to stop. We're going to stop wasting our time with him."
"Misha, explain. Explain how you're just going to let them stop ruining your most hated enemy?"
He met my eyes and without breaking the stare took my fingers and kissed them. "We... I... can't do that to him. When you..."
He closed his eyes and shut his lips tightly. I reached over and gently stroked his face.
"Misha, you can talk to me."
He looked back up at me. "I know, but it hurts knowing you'll be gone soon."
It was my turn to close my eyes and take a deep breath. Yes, I knew the pain he was going through because I was going through the same pain. I hated the thought of leaving all of this behind... of leaving Misha behind. I couldn't bear to finally reach that day.
After getting no response from me, Misha continued, "When you leave, you'll be back with him and I just can't do that to you."
"Can't do what? Let me go back?"
With a sneer, he replied, "No, I can't let you go back to a husband who's completely ruined. Besides, if we were going to continue the plan and finish it, it would ruin you in the end as well. That would tear me apart and so I've told Stephan that we're done ruining Alexander."
What? My heart skipped a beat and I didn't know what to think.
Would he really do that for me? After trying so hard to ruin Alexander he just... stopped?
"Misha..."
"Maria," he looked into my eyes, "we don't have long to be together. You're leaving soon. Very soon."
"How soon?" I whispered with a shaky breath.
"Let's go? We've still got to get home and watch another good Russian movie." He stood up and took my hand.
It felt different this time as we were walking through the city. We were both holding on to each other as if our life depended on it.
His fingers were tightly intertwined with mine and our hearts were very heavy. I wanted to cry out and ask for time to just freeze. For us to just be together for as long as we possibly could.
"Misha, what are you doing?" He had slowed down and then wrapped me in a tight hug, his breath on my neck, and his fingers tangled in my hair.
I closed my eyes and just enjoyed his arms tightly wrapped around me, and even though my face was buried in his chest, and I was slowly losing oxygen, I didn't mind at all.
He pulled away and then his hands slowly cradled my face. His eyes scrutinized every centimeter of my face, memorizing it, and his hands would run across my cheek, pushing away my hair, and then slowly stopped at my lips.
"Why don't you kiss me?" I whispered.
I gently placed my hand on his neck, and my fingers spread into his hair. I pulled him closer just a millimeter. He slowly moved closer, his eyes closing. He leaned his forehead against mine and then whispered, "I promised you."
His lips gently and teasingly brushed against mine when he talked. He didn't move away though and I didn't want him to.
I remembered the time he kissed me and how horribly upset I was. He did, he did promise me afterward that he would never kiss me again.
I let out a shaky laugh. "I didn't mean it."
I felt him smile and it made my heart smile. Oh, how I wanted him.
"You and I both know you meant it. We both know that it's wrong."
I moved closer just a tiny step. It caused our lips to press just a little tighter. Of course, the butterflies in my stomach were having a party every time he would breathe because it would force our lips to be together for just a second.
"Maria, what are you doing?"
What was I doing? I knew that I was completely in love with Misha. But I had a husband back in New York whom I also loved.
A burning feeling rose in my throat and I tried to swallow it back but it wouldn't leave. It just burned, reminding me that I loved a man I could never have.
I was not in love with Alexander and I wanted to be with Misha. Because I was in love with him and I loved him so much.
At this very moment, it felt like my emotions and feelings were eating me up. I wanted to cry out and have this burn from my throat to leave. I wanted to kiss Misha, but the logic in my brain that telling me I couldn't made me feel so terribly hopeless.
"I love you."
I frowned, realizing that that came from the man that I loved as well. I frowned and a gentle tear fell from my eyes.
I chocked back the burn in my throat and whispered slowly, so that Misha would hear me and so I could hear myself, "I love you."
I pushed myself to him but right before our lips collided, he moved his head out of the way and instead embraced me in a secure hug. He was crushing everything inside of me, but I didn't care. I wrapped my arms around his neck and his arms, pulling myself as close as I could to him.
"And it's because I love you," he whispered so softly into my ear, "that I can never kiss you."
My heart slowly shattered, taking away my breath, and finally forcing the burn in my throat to fuel my tears.
My tears fell very slowly, and I heard a few of them drop on his leather jacket. I chocked back the rest of them and took a deep breath, embracing Misha with a stronger grip.
I knew, and he knew, that his decision was carving out our hearts and torturing them, but just because it hurt with indescribable pain, that didn't mean the decision was wrong.
I closed my eyes, still feeling a few tears on my eyelashes. I felt Misha's heartbeat against mine and that caused me to smile.
'I love you,' I whispered to myself. If I had told it to Misha again, I wouldn't be able to stop my emotions from exploding all over the place.
We stood still and silent in the snow, the cold air freezing the teardrops. It caused us to be frozen over, but that gave a chance for our hearts to really warm us up. And they did.
I realized that when I wanted time to freeze so I could spend time with Misha, just me and him, this is what God gave me. Right now was my 'frozen time'. I didn't know how long we were standing there, but it didn't matter.
Each second that passed by in this frozen universe was another stab to the heart because it reminded me that my time with Misha was almost up and I could never see the man I loved, but it also brought me relief that I still had him, and I did love him.
I moved my head to place a kiss on his cold cheek. I stood there for a moment, my lips tightly pressed to his skin. I opened my eyes and then gently wiped off the lipstick mark left on his cheek.
Misha's hands slowly and very hesitantly unwrapped from my body and instead, he grabbed my hand. We slowly began to make our way back home.