The entire gang and I were sitting in the hotel lobby, laughing loudly and drinking tea and eating good Russian cookies and bread with some homemade jam.
It was the middle of the night and the only lights that were on were over our table. The rest of the hotel was silent and asleep, but we were having a party. It was my last day in Russia with the boys.
Of course, all of them had some vodka already, but they promised me they wouldn't get drunk and so far they had successfully kept their promises. Besides, the tea with cookies was also insanely good and very traditional for us Russians and so we decided that would be a wonderful replacement for vodka.
Stephan stood up and then clanked his cup with a knife. "Attention, everyone!"
We all quieted down and turned our attention to him. Misha was tightly holding my hand in his lap, as he had done for the entire night. He never let me go for a second and I didn't want him to.
"Maria, you've been quite a nice addition to our gang. I know that the reasons why we have allowed you to stay with us aren't exactly welcoming but we are still glad that you have been here with us, no matter the circumstances."
I smiled and then mouthed 'thank you' to Stephan.
"Now, you're about to go off into the sunset and never see us again, but I just really wanted you to know that we have enjoyed having you with us. And I might have seemed like a real ass to you but deep down I appreciate all you have done. You've been a wonderful hostage and an even better friend. You've been a ray of sunshine for us gloomy gangsters. Thank you, you're exactly what we needed."
I laughed and stood up to give him a tight hug. That meant Misha had to release my hand which he hesitantly did.
I tightly wrapped my arms around Stephan's neck. I never got to know him much but from what I learned he wanted the best for his gang and he wanted to be a good leader.
"You're a great leader, Stephan. You might come off rude sometimes, but you're an excellent leader. Don't forget that."
I sat back down and Misha immediately laced his fingers with mine.
Shurik slowly got up with a scowl on his face. The little device that sat on his plate was making very unpleasant and strange noises so that would explain the scowl.
"Maria, you've been like a little sister to me. I adore you and bless you on your way to conquer the world. We'll miss you, especially Mishka over there. But so will I, so will I." He said with a half-smile and then took a nice gulp of his vodka.
I laughed and stood up to give him a hug as well.
"Don't bother, don't bother. I'll come over." He said and then noisily made his way towards me. He kissed me on my cheek three times, the good old Russian way and then whispered, "Too bad you're leaving."
I smiled even though my heart was crying. I was leaving them all behind, my new family. I already felt homesick but I tried to get through today's night with a smile and no tears.
"Maria, I guess it's my turn to tell you a few words on your journey back. I appreciate all you've done and all you've been for us. You're a part of our gang and your departure will leave a hole in each one of our hearts. You're family to us know." Eugene said, standing up with his cup of tea.
I smiled and then tightly pressed my lips together to keep the tears from escaping.
"I've watched you become a wonderful attribution to us, and you've brightened each one of us a little. I know it's going to be incredibly hard for you to leave and it hurts you, but it does hurt each one of us as well. We'll never forget you."
He walked over to me and then pulled me into a very tight hug, nearly crushing every one of my ribs. Who knew that the scariest man in this room, the one who never smiled and could most likely kill a grizzly bear with his bare hands had one of the biggest hearts?
"Thank you, Eugene. I promise you, I'll never forget you."
He walked to his seat but then got up again. "Also, your baby has warmed our hearts a little bit as well. He's been a wonderful asset to us and it's a huge shame we'll never get to see him and watch him grow. But we trust you'll take care of him well enough and you'll make sure he knows us, at least from your stories. He'll be a wonderful boy, but only if he's like one of us hardcore Russian gangster men."
I laughed and then said, "Thank you. I'll make sure that he is."
All heads turned to Misha. He simply sat there with a tired and depressed face. He squeezed my hand and I thought that it would burst a few of my veins but I allowed it. We both needed to feel each other.
We were all silent and the only sound was coming from Shurik's unsuccessful machine. The table was a mess, it was dark and we all just suffered together in this silent moment.
Finally, Stephan quietly said, "Eugene, go get your guitar. Let's sing a few songs for the road."
Eugene returned a moment later and began to play a few melodies. We all began to sing a few hymns and I had to make an effort not to allow the tears to fall from my eyes. I didn't want to leave them, I loved this.
I loved being in Russia and getting to be completely Russian. I'd missed my culture and this was such a wonderful place. I didn't realize how much I missed my culture and my fellow Russians.
A messy table full of Russian cookies and biscuits, some tea and vodka, singing songs late at night, with a wonderful snow storm outside was something I've always wanted because it represented so much. It represented the Russian culture, the family that I had gained, and everything that I would lose as soon as I stepped onto New York soil.
Suddenly, Misha got up and hurried out of the room. I glanced back after him but stayed with the boys to finish the song.
When we were done, I stood up and said, "I'll be right back. I need to check on him."
"Wait, Maria," Stephan called me and I turned back.
"He's never loved anyone the way he's loving you. I know that you love him too. Just, please... don't hurt him any more than you have to."
I nodded and then walked off. I saw Misha standing out on the balcony, his back turned to me, in a cloud of smoke and a cigarette in between his fingers. He was shirtless and I could clearly see the scar on his neck.
I smiled thinking back to the time I caught him shirtless on the porch in India, also smoking. That time I was simply attracted to him, in a lustful way. But now after all that time, I had grown to love him. Just pure love.
I grabbed a jacket that was hanging on a chair and walked up to him. He didn't hear me coming right away, but as soon as I placed my hand on his back he immediately turned to face me.
"You should put this on, it's very cold," I said quietly and began to dress him in the jacket while he stood still and silently.
"I know it's cold," he said putting the cigarette in between his teeth, "it calms me down."
I placed my hand on his chest, and then another one on his neck. "You're very cold. You don't have to be this cold to calm down."
"You shouldn't be here. It's harmful to breathe in this smoke, especially for the baby," Misha quietly said, placing his hand on my belly.
"He won't mind for a little bit," I said.
The corner of his lip twisted for a second but then returned back to the sorrowful look. "Don't you hate smokers?"
I laughed and then placed my arms around his waist and pulled him to me. "Yes, I hate smokers but I love you."
Misha wrapped his arms around me and then places his head in my neck. I gently began to run my fingers through his hair and kissed his head.
"I wasn't going to ask you to stay," he mumbled against my neck, ticking me, but I fought the urge to laugh or move, "and I still won't."
He put his hands on my hips and then pulled me into him. He stayed that way for a while and then continued talking, his lips brushing against my skin and tickling me again. "But I have to fight the urge to ask you to stay so bad. I won't do it though, because then you won't be able to make the decision for yourself."
I smiled and then pressed my lips to his cheek. I pushed his head up and then placed my hands on his cheeks after pushing away the hair from his face.
"Hey, look at me." He tried to squirm away but eventually, his eyes met mine.
They were especially dark that night, and cloudy so I couldn't read them like I usually could. They still explained so much and it hurt me to look at them, but I had to.
"Misha, you have to understand that I don't want to leave. You know that, don't you?" I tried to keep a light smile on my face so that he wouldn't be so discouraged.
He nodded against my hands and I continued. "I have to, though. It's the right thing to do and I must go back."
He closed his eyes and tried to shake my hands off but I held on tightly. "Misha, look at me."
He looked back up, and a tear fell silently from his eye. I gently brushed it away and chocked back my own tears. "Oh, you poor boy," I whispered, almost silently.
I tried to be strong for him and so I couldn't let myself to break down. Today, it was my turn to comfort him and be there for him.
"Listen to me, Misha. Listen carefully." I looked into his eyes and made sure that he was still hearing every single word I was saying.
"I love you," I told him. "You hear me? I love you."
He closed his eyes and another tear fell but he nodded.
"C'mere." I tugged him to me, and he placed his head in my neck, his cold nose touching my warm skin. It sent a shiver down my spine but it also warmed up my heart.
I was going to miss him so much.
I had already accepted the fact that I could never have him, and I think that's why I was particularly calm this night. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop time and soon the clock would tick away until the hour came for me to go. I couldn't do anything but enjoy every little moment I had with him until then.
I leaned down and kissed his cheek, slowly but very firmly. I gently rubbed his head, and he was holding onto me like I was his mother and he didn't want to lose me before I left for a trip.
I had no idea how I was going to live on without him, but somehow I'd find a way.
We stayed there in the cold night for a while longer. I kept playing with his hair and pressing kisses to his cheek and his head. He did the same, he would press kisses to my neck, while his arms were wrapped very tightly to my waist.
"Let's go in, Misha. We're going to get sick. Yes?"
He nodded and then looked up at me. He took my hands and then began to press kisses to my fingers and knuckles and palms. I smiled at him and then grabbed his hand. I tugged him inside and he slowly followed behind me.
I sat down on my bed, and he placed his head in my lap and I continued stroking his hair.
"Wasn't I supposed to do a photoshoot?" I asked, suddenly remembering that strange man.
Misha laughed a little. "No, I told him that he'll have to get through me before taking pictures of you."
I laughed and then kissed his cheek once more. "Goodnight, Misha. I'll see you in the morning."
"Goodnight, my love." He whispered.
I couldn't fall asleep though, and that entire night I sat there and gently stroked his hair. This was it. This was the moment that I feared so much.
This was my last night with him. He was already asleep, and I could finally cry a little to release my heart from all the pain that had gathered.
The moonlight fell on his perfect face, and I smiled through my tears. God, there was still so much that I wanted to do with him. We still had the rest of the world to tour through, and I wanted him to meet my baby boy. I still wanted to talk to him and take walks through the city. I wanted to celebrate Christmas with him, and then Easter, and then our birthdays. I wanted to just have him with me, to have him be mine.
"God, why? Why must I leave him?" I whispered to God. "I love him. I don't want to leave him. Lord, I don't want to leave him, I love him too much."
I ran my fingers down his face, and his neck, across his arms and his chest.
"I love you, Misha," I whispered to him and then closed my eyes, hoping to fall asleep so I wouldn't have to feel the pain at least for a few hours.