Chapter Eighteen

It's really, truthfully funny the way that life works out sometimes.

One day your leaping through windows and ignoring pain, actively doing your best to escape, and the next you're in the real world trying to drink every moment in. This was how I felt right now; lost in a moment that I didn't want to peel myself away from.

The swing seat under me rocked back and forth ever so slightly, mostly through the wind pushing it along. Hands gripped on cold chains, my feet decided to hang in the air, even though they could reach the grass under my feet. The soft smell of Autumn air rested on the park, as it usually did. Leaves had painted the place with their murky browns and deep entrancing reds. The night sky might have been draped over us, but that didn't mean I was completely oblivious to the world around me.

No, for once I was tuned in. In this moment, I was connected.

The thought of the bad things that made it hard to be me just seemed so distant. Everything that wanted to weigh me down just felt like it had been submerged underwater. And truthfully, it made me happy, at least for a while.

When Xavier had asked the question, there was an eagerness in me that jumped at the opportunity. I wanted to be around him, because he was the only person who understood what it was like. He knew how it felt to feel so alone with so many people around you. In a way, I think he understood this too. Unlike most other people in my life, he took notice. Our brief conversation had told me everything I needed to know.

Xavier was broken. I was broken. Maybe we could find the pieces of ourselves that didn't feel so broken.

I'd asked him to meet me at the park for a few reasons.

The first was that I didn't want to give anything away. If he was going to pick me up at home, then I'd need to go home, which was something I wasn't prepared to do, regardless of the reason. However, if he picked me up from my aunt's house, then he would have questions. He would want to know why I was there, and where there was. And then of course my aunt would have her own set of foreboding questions, because me having friends seemed like a foreign and alien concept. These were questions that I wasn't ready to answer. How could I properly articulate to him what the problem was?

My dad is the biggest asshole this side of the nebula? No, that would only raise more questions, and possibly some concerns.

The second was that this was my spot. He knew this was my spot, and where I liked to go. Our first real conversation had been here, under the darkening sky. It only made sense to go to where it all began.

I'd probably been there for the better half of fifteen minutes when I heard his presence.

The slosh of boots against the dewy grass had given him away long before his jacketless silhouette had. I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. Regardless of how deep or philosophical he was being, even he couldn't deny the bitter weather. And yet, his movements seemed so slick, so sure, that I almost believed for a second that he wasn't going to freeze his ass off.

At least he wore a beanie on his head, the only real sign that the chill was maybe getting to him.

Slowly, and without saying a word, he took a seat on the swing next to me and began to push off. The chains creaked ever so slightly as he swung his legs. In, then out, then in, then out. It took everything in me to not smile broadly at him.

"Enjoying yourself?" I asked, my words falling out in an almost hushed silence.

Xavier kept on swinging, as if this were the only thing he knew. His face was contorted into so much concentrated focus. It was like he was drawing out a map to his own private universe, using all the lines on his face.

Where I a cartographer I might have connected them together; where I an explorer, I may have travelled to all those uncharted placed he held so close, so dearly. But I was neither of those things. If anything, I was a surveyor, trying to find the meaning behind his movements as if they held any.

"You bet," he said, a sly smirk rising calmly onto his face as he extended his legs for a forward swing.

I shook my head, laughing shortly. My hands cupped themselves together as my feet firmed themselves on the ground below.

"You are such a child," I said. This was not a bad thing though. Xavier always seemed in control most when he was either embracing his inner kid, or accepting the things he knew he couldn't control. I couldn't say the same for a lot of other people. "You're acting like this is the first time you've ever been let off your leash."

The words were empty, mostly because I knew nothing about him. However, they seemed to resonate somewhere deeply in him, because he started to slow down. His sharp smile had turned into one that seemed more somber and morose.

This was the Xavier that I knew. The one who always seemed so lost in himself, and yet so eager to press into everyone else. It was almost like a dare for him; pushing buttons so that someone might push his. I wasn't sure if I quite understood it yet or if I ever would.

"Maybe it's because I don't have to pretend to give a shit around you," he spoke, his face curling into a weak smile. "Because you already know I don't."

I stared at him for a moment or so.

"Words hurt you know," I responded. There was a laugh in my throat that couldn't help but free itself. He hadn't said anything that I didn't already know. And besides, this all felt like a Xavier Sutton coping mechanism. "Thanks for not being angry by the way."

"Who says I'm not angry," he responded, his eyes lit up fiercely. "I don't care if you had good intentions, you do not just blindside a guy like that. Ever."

There was a smile that pricked at my lips. It burnt my insides, but it was a good kind of burn. Like one that you felt after burning your tongue on a slice of pizza. Sure, it was annoying as hell, but at least it was delicious.

The fact was that he was not mad at me, a boy, for kissing him, also a boy. He was madder at me for taking advantage of the situation. Except, I didn't really take advantage of anything. But trying to justify that right now felt like a moot point. The fact was that I shouldn't have done it in the first place.

Xavier seemed to catch my smile and replied in kind with a smile of his own.

"You know for someone so subdued and pissed at the world, you smile more than I would have thought," he shot back. He faced away from me, looking forward towards the ever-changing trees. A long breath left him, clinging to the air in a slight puff of mist. "Pretty much when I talked to you, I expected you to be the modern-day Poe; all misery and gloom." His feet dug into the earth as he turned to face me.

My hands rung a little tighter on the chain. I prayed and hoped that the darkness had concealed us just enough so he couldn't see me biting my lip. If he knew the real parts of me that I hid from the world, then he'd understand that he was so close to the truth that it physically ached.

I bowed my head down for a moment.

Looking skyward, he continued. "You're different from anyone I've ever known. Everyone wears masks to hide their pain, and you wear masks to hide everything that isn't pain."

"You don't know me..."

The words felt so empty; so... valueless.

"Black Hole Sun," he spoke, pausing for a moment to collect his words. "It's never a song I'd thought I'd ever listen too, but there's something there. It's a want, a desire to find something that can take that pain away, even if just for a brief moment."

I perked up slightly. "You listened to it?" I asked, already knowing the answer, because duh, he had just told me.

"I did." His words barely registered in my ears.

The whole world was quiet in this moment. Not even the wind dared to make a sound. This felt like the most natural scene right now; two boys, sitting side by side on swings discussing angst ridden music. But what I took away from this was that Xavier had listened, and that he was dying for a way to cope with his own unresolved issues.

I wanted to put my arms around him, and I would have done so, were I not suddenly overcome with thoughts that he might push me away again.

It's human nature to want to cling to the people who understand you the best. It's human desire that compels us to stay after the initial period has ended. I could tell from the way that his head tilted towards the ground, that more than anything, he wished to be in his own comfort zone.

"Think Tank?" I asked, voice daring to barrel through the silence.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Eight," he started, his voice quiet amongst the nighttime air. "What are your thoughts on the afterlife?"

Upon hearing the slightly, oddly worded question, I had to raise myself on my elbows. Xavier was still staring skyward, into an infiniteness of stars. Arms behind head, he didn't even turn to me when he had posed the question. It didn't even feel like a heavy question, at least not in that moment. Honestly, it just felt like he was asking for my thoughts on what toppings should go on pizza.

The cold steel of the car's hood had etched its way through my spine, making every movement all that more strenuous. The words had been enough to break the silence that had engulfed us for the past few minutes or so.

When we had gotten to the Think Tank, Xavier immediately removed himself from his car and complacently, sat on the hood. There had been no indication that he would do something like this. It was as if his brain was on autopilot, and the rest of the world was just an obstacle to him. It took me a few moments before I registered his presence, and then another few moments still before I joined him on the hood of the car.

I'd been silent, letting the stillness that existed between us grow and plume into something completely different.

Not giving it much thought, I shrugged. "We live, we die, we decay. Things rust and fade over time." I guess my answer wasn't quite what he was expecting, because suddenly he shifted. His body slide further up the hood, till his back rested against the windshield and he could look at me more clearly. Even without looking back to him, I could tell that he was passing some sort of judgement on me. "That's what happens to most things in the universe."

Xavier remained silent, almost biting his lip. I could tell that there was so much he had wanted to say, but didn't. His expression pretty much laid it all out for me. He thought that I was wrong, and so far from the truth that it was laughable.

But he said nothing.

Instead he looked skywards again, his eyes tracing the tracks of stars whose constellations I could never recall. Unlike before, where his face was a map of everywhere he had been, his face now seemed more closed off. The answer he was expecting to get from me was probably so different from the answer that I gave him. But at least he did not openly hold this against me.

"Seven," I began, a voice that threw caution to the wind. "Does anyone else know about this place? I mean, have you spoken to someone about where you go, or am I just that damn special?"

I could hear the half-laugh catch in his throat ever so slightly.

"Who would I tell?" he asked, dismissive eyes glancing over to me.

A deep exhale left me. "Well your girlfriend for starters." I knew I wanted to take the words back the instant they had left my mouth.

Xavier just grew more stiff, his jaw clenching as he returned to his star-gazing. His legs crossed over themselves more tightly, and his fingers locked behind his head. There was a fire in the way his chest moved that made me realize that perhaps there were some things that were off limits.

In a sense, I could feel him pull away from me ever so slightly. Clearly, these were feelings that he wasn't comfortable talking about. Or maybe they were completely foreign to him. Maybe both.

But he answered regardless. Even though he knew these things were going to weigh him down further.

"She's the only person in this world that's ever understood why I do the things I do," he said. "She was there for me when I lost everything. Hell, she was even there for me when I hit rock fucking bottom." His voice seemed less harsh than I expected it to be. I realized that were he like most people I knew, he would have been all straight lines and blunt words. But here he was, showing the curvature of everything that made him up. "I don't think she'd understand this place. She'd just want me to talk about my feelings and shit."

"And is that so bad?" my brow cocked.

"Sometimes it feels good to keep the worlds separated," he spoke, his voice resonating with a sense of stoicism that I never quite expected to hear from him. "I have the world where everyone needs me to be something, and then I have this world where I don't need to think about it all that much. It just comes to me."

I nod, partially understanding this.

It's hard to believe that no one has ever made this much sense to me. It's as if the universe had created him from the stardust remnants of all of my tarnished memories. For a moment I think maybe the universe is trying to undo eighteen years of hell.

And the thought is enough to warm my face with a smile.

~~~~~~~~~~

QOTD: If you could fancast these guys, who would they be? Please let me know, I'm terribly curious