20: But There's A Party

Warning: Self-harm

-*-

Trick or treat. Neither.

I was on my seventh tootsie roll and was really craving something different. The twins unfortunately like everything but the tootsie rolls so of course me, as the older sister, take the burden of eating them all. I wasn't some monster that just leaves candy, and on Halloween of all nights.

Oliver convinced me to wear a different costume since the pink fairy just 'wasn't cool enough'. He even got Ben and Braden to agree with him and gang up against me. They didn't want to be seen with their uncool sister in a pink dress.

I pretended to be annoyed with them for a while, but gave in pretty easily. Honestly relieved that I didn't have to wear it. Oliver had stretched it out after his little cross dressing adventure. And not to mention it was itchy as fuck. Good riddance if you ask me.

I ended up dressing up as a Robin, Batman's sidekick. Ben and Braden thought it'd be funny for me to wear a onesie in public all night. I didn't see the humor, I was quite comfy.

Oliver was dressed as none other than Batman. His glory Batboy days of thirds grade were over. Oliver had definitely leveled up from boy to man. Thank puberty.

"You know, you didn't have to come," I glance to Oliver who's standing right beside me.

I try not to get distracted by his vibrant blue eyes that shine in the moonlight and weird purple and orange lights. The twins were running around from house to house and I didn't want to lose sight of them.

"I want to be here, Haze."

I shrug my shoulders, "But there's a party."

"Nah."

I look at him again, wishing that for once in his life he would elaborate his response. I sighed when he didn't, his eyes trained on Ben and Braden, while I was distracted admiring his side profile.

I look back out to the street, searching for the twins in their pirate costumes. The panic started rising in my chest when I couldn't find them. None of the houses had pirates at their door. But if that were true, where did they run off too? I looked away for only a second.

Oliver must have noticed my panicking and slides in behind me. He grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers so he can give me a quick squeeze. His other hand goes over my shoulder and points to the street.

I'm distracted for a second, his sweet smell engulfing me as does his shadow when he gets near. My back is flushed against his chest and I can feel the fake abs of the costume, not that he needs the stuffing.

I close my eyes and breathe out before following his hand with my eyes. At the end of the street were two little pirates trying to steal candy from each other's baskets. I relax at the sight and lean back a little, letting my head rest against Oliver.

"Thanks," I whisper, "You're better at this than me."

He smiles down at me, "Don't be so hard on yourself. They're still alive, aren't they?"

I laugh at his comment and nod my head which is still leaning against him so I can look up at him while he looks down at me. My mind flashes back to the kiss we shared not so long ago and I can't help but wonder what's going through his head.

Is he as shocked and confused as I am?

But I'm not allowed to dwell on my thoughts for long as Ben and Braden come running towards us. Breaking eye contact, I straighten up when I hear them calling my name. I pull my weight off Oliver who had surprisingly not complained about most of my body weight leaning on him. Oliver let's go of my hand when he feels me straighten up and clears his throat.

"Hazel, Hazel! What is the beast under the sheets?"

My eyes go wide as I listen to Ben reading off a label that was on a bag. I look to Oliver who already has a smirk on his face and I slap his arm to try and wipe it off. It doesn't work and his body shakes a little from a stifled laugh.

My attention goes back to the twins who are still looking at me with wide-eyed curiosity. So I crouch down to their level and take both of their little treats.

"It's," I try and think of a valid explanation for the label, "for the shadow monsters. Special protection."

I glance to Oliver who winks at me with a slight chuckle making his shoulders shake. I roll my eyes at him. Realizing the error in my word choice, I try to keep a straight face as I look at the twins again.

"Alright, I think that's enough trick or treating for this year," I say, standing upright again.

Ben and Braden immediately start whining, "No fair! We wanna keep going! Just a few more houses?"

I shake my head and reach my hands out for them to grab it. Ben grabs one and Oliver grabs the other. Wait, Oliver?

I look to my side and see him smiling down at me, just a small simple smile. I give him one back, thankful the darkness hides my blush. I was shocked that he'd intertwined our fingers for the second time that night. I love the warmth that fills my body when a slight squeeze, intentional or not, comes from his hand.

"We're off to see the wizard," I laugh a little as I take in the similar situation the four of us are in.

"The wonderful wizard of Oz."

His husky voice might have made me pee my pants a little.

-*-

It's been five months since I started taking care of my brothers, alone.

The hardest part was figuring out a way to tell them that neighs mom nor dad were coming back. I couldn't take looking at their cute little faces. And they were so young, they didn't deserve that type of burden, that type of pain.

So, I didn't tell them. I didn't know what else to do. I'm not supposed to be a fucking parent, I just turned 16 in March. My mom said goodbye in February. Everything was happening and I didn't have time to slow down and think.

I didn't tell them. Instead, every time they asked, I would tell them that mom was on a secret mission to destroy all the shadow monsters. They saw her as a hero. It was the

last good thing I would do for my mother, I promised myself that.

Today was the first day I was alone in the past five months. The twins were at a sleepover. I felt like I could breathe again, but the feeling didn't last long. The sadness of the loss of my mother came flooding in. I'd never had the time to mourn her passing. She'd left and I'd had to assume my motherly duties immediately. It left me with not time to process the fact that she was truly gone.

And just how the feelings of my mother came rushing in, the anger towards my father hit me twice as hard. He'd left her without a word nor a warning, left us here to rot. My mom was too weak to handle it, and now I feel too weak as well.

I carry myself to my bathroom, getting a good look at my appearance. I look at myself and hate the reflection staring back at me.

My eyes were sunken with large purple bags underneath. My hair was thin, probably from the lack of nutrition. My clothes hung loose over my body. I truly looked like a zombie, it was terrifying.

I scream at my reflection until the tears overwhelm me and all I can do is hope I hiccup enough to keep breathing. My eyes are blurry and my mind is foggy. I don't even process what I'm doing anymore, just doing what feels right.

I stand up and pick up a razor, admiring it through my tears. Giving one last look at myself I pick a spot. Right by my hip bone, just above where there's still some muscle and fat. It's a place no one would ever see. I wouldn't let them see because the only reason they would is if they saw me naked.