42: Get On With It

New year, new me. Not.

That saying isn't further from the truth. People don't just drastically change and become better, different, versions of themselves when the clock strikes midnight on January 1st. I don't, at least. It's a week into the new year and I feel exactly the same as I did last year. Well, except for the fact that I might've confessed my feelings to myself. I try not to think about that though. If I don't accept it, I won't get hurt.

"Hazel, can we go play in the snow?" Ben comes up to me.

I look from him, already bundled up to run outside, to the window where I can see the light snow falling. It's been snowing for the past few days. The snow was sticking to the grass but melting from the roads and sidewalks. It's perfect snow weather. I look back to Ben that's waiting with big eyes filled with anticipation.

"Yes," I give him a nod, "When dinner's ready, you come in."

Ben nods frantically and runs off, yelling at Braden to hurry up. Braden comes wobbling out of his room and follows behind Ben. My eyes follow the twins' movement outside. They're trying to have a snowball fight, but in those big winter jackets they can't move fast enough to evade the other's throw. I laugh at the sight of them jumping and yelling in the snow.

Oliver was staying with Grayson tonight. A high-up in the football world was visiting the Adams. So, he left this morning to go help Grayson. Apparently, if they make a good impression, his word means guaranteed entrance to any college football team. It's a game changer for any high schooler, too bad you need to be rich like Grayson Adams for him to drop by. Nevertheless, Grayson and Oliver were the two best players in the state.

I got lost in my own thoughts that when I look at the clock it's already time for me to get dinner going. I go outside just to make sure the twins are out there having fun. I walk up to the door and open it just to see three figures instead of two.

"Hazel, we made a snowman!" Braden yells when he spots me.

I smile and nod, "I can see that. What's his name?"

"Frank," Braden smiles.

I watch the for a little longer. They're both working together on making Frank the Snowman. I don't know how they managed to get the snowman so big when they're so small, it's about their size. His eyes are acorns and his nose is a pine cone. He has pebbles as buttons, sticks as arms, and leaves piled on his head as hair. I'm impressed by their resourcefulness. Although Frank is a little wonky looking, he's still a fully made snowman.

"Time to go back inside."

They stop working and frown at me. I give them a closed lip smile and open the door for them.

"You can play again tomorrow, but now it's time for some food and tv."

"Tv?" They ask excitedly.

I nod which makes them rush inside. I follow after them, closing the door and leaving poor Frank outside. Ben and Braden have already rushed to their rooms, racing as always for dibs on the first shower. I shake my head to myself and go to the kitchen.

It's weird, but it feels quiet when Oliver isn't here. Yeah, he barely talks, and when he does it's all broody, but his presence. It's grown warm to me. His shadow brings me safety when it falls over me protectively from behind. It no longer feels cold. Maybe it's just me missing someone my age in the house.

The twins rush back into the kitchen when they're both showered and warm. I give them a smile and point to the living room.

"You set the coffee table for dinner, we can eat over there."

They jump at the opportunity to eat and watch a movie at the same time. It's like guilty pleasure that we occasionally indulge in. I'm feeling nice today. The twins whip around the kitchen, grabbing plates and glasses and all the stuff they need to set the table. They're done right when the soup is. It's called time management.

"What are we watching?" I ask them as I place a bowl in front of each of them.

"Toy Story!" They agree.

I give them a questioning glare by squinting my eyes but keeping a small smile on my lips. My hands go to my hips.

"You guys never agree on a movie."

"Oliver said it was his favorite," Ben says, as if it was so obvious why.

I smile and roll my eyes. Of course Oliver is the reason why the twins are agreeing on something. Not because they're getting mature, but because Oliver Grey told them so. You'd think maybe I'd get a say in these movie nights since I'm the one here. But have we ever sat down to watch Tangled, my favorite movie? No. Oliver isn't even here, so unfair. I guess that's how it works when you're Oliver Grey though, everyone loves you.

"Alright, Toy Story it is," I go to the couch and sit where Oliver usually does, the seat sinking when I do.

"Are you and Oliver dating?" Braden suddenly asks me before the movie starts.

"No," I shake my head.

"Not yet," Ben corrects me.

I brush off Bens correction, telling him to pat attention. 'Not yet' seems more realistic of an answer ever since New Years, but I won't let myself have false hope. The more you have, the harder you fall. I couldn't be in any more pain, I might actually break this time. My hand goes to my hip bone, the scar above it. And the twins, oh, they'd be devastated.

Midway through the movie, my phone dings with a new message. Thinking it's Levi checking up on me, I pick it up.

I'd told Levi of the New Years party. He was nervous at first, seeing as I hadn't been in the rich scene since my father and even less so since my mom. The next day, he'd texted me at the bright and early hour of 8am to check if I was alive, well, and still poor. Levi was always one to crack a joke when he could, that's why he became my friend in the first place. We bonded over laughing at none other than Oliver Grey and his groupies.

As expected, Levi's name was on my screen. I take a look at the boys, unaware of me breaking our sacred no phones rule they have for me. Something they heard about in school that more than one screen at a time gives you cancer. The things teachers make up these days to grab the attention of nine year olds.

'Call me. I want the deets on New Years.'

"Boys, I gotta make a call, you guys keep watching."

I only get some zombie like nods in response. Guess they don't care what I do when there's talking toys on a screen. I walk off to the kitchen and sit at my favorite chair, the 'Waiting for Oliver' chair. I can still hear the movie playing, but I'm far rough away that the twins won't be annoyed.

"Tell me everything."

"Hello to you too, Levi," I laugh into the receiver.

"Hi, Hazel. How are you? Good? That's awesome. Me too, thanks for asking. Emma and I are wonderful, happy as ever. Her parents love me, but who doesn't. Okay, go," Levi rushes through his little monologue.

I roll my eyes even though he can't see me. The other side is silent as Levi waits to hear the much anticipated story of New Years. I've told him bits and pieces, keeping the big news to myself. I wanted to actually tell Levi what had happened that night, not just text him about it. It's all about the emotion that words on a screen just don't get across.

"Okay, well, New Year's eve," I start, "The 31st of December that is."

"You're stalling."

"It's called setting the scene."

I can feel the playful annoyance radiating off of Levi through the phone.

"Get on with it," He urges me on and stays silent for me to continue.

I tell Levi everything, every detail I can remember. From jamming in the closet to drinking in the corner. From laughing at Grayson's goofiness to praising his existence to the man from Yale. And of course, from Ally clinging onto Oliver to me clinging onto him.

"Hazel Kindler was jealous?" Then he whispers, "Never thought I'd see the day."

I roll my eyes at him, "That's what you got from my story?"

"In the years I've known you, I've never seen you get jealous. What made you human, Hazel?"

I think about what he says. His tone was joking, but there was some truth to his words. Levi was serious too, even if he was joking, he wanted a real answer. Worst of all, he knew I had an answer to his question.

"I think I like Oliver Grey."

"Fucking knew it," Levi whispers.

Shaking my head, I look down. Thinking that the movie is about to end, I go to the living room quickly to take a peak and confirm my suspicions. I walk back a little as to not interrupt them with my voice.

"Well, always lovely talking to you," I put a playful tone to my voice, making it seem like I'm lying.

I hear Levi's small laugh, "Good night, Hazel."

"Bye, Levi."

I walk back over to the living room and collapse on the couch. Talking to Levi made me miss most of the movie, there were only ten minutes left. The twins don't even seem to realize that I left and came back, engrossed in the movie they've seen several times before.

Once the movie ends, I take the boys to bed and tuck them in. I check in every classic hiding spot for shadow monsters. Apparently, my face is enough to scare them off. Definitely something Oliver taught them. I give each a kiss on the cheek, grabbing their heads so they can't squirm away.

"Good night, sleep tight, don't let the shadow monsters fright."

"Bye, Hazel."

I give myself an early night as well, taking the opportunity that I'm not waiting on Oliver to come back tonight. I curl up in bed and turn to face the empty couch. Not seeing Oliver's back or hearing his soft snores left the room feeling empty and quiet. I'd gotten used to Oliver Grey being a part of my nightly routine. But my thoughts don't keep me up, the lack of sleep from waiting up for Oliver ultimately taking a toll.

-*-

"He's wearing his shirt inside out and the girls still fawn over him," I hear someone behind me grumble under their breath.

"Pretty sure it's backwards too."

"Wow, you're right."

I turn around to catch sight of a redhead sitting behind me on the bleachers. We were in a pep rally for the middle school football game that was this week. Oh, how America loves it's sports. Why can't I have a pep rally on jazz instead of prepubescent girls trying to throw it back?

The redhead smiles at me when I turn around, "You're immune to the Oliver Grey swoon?"

"You weren't in Ms. Armand's third grade class, were you?" I ask the redheaded boy.

He shakes his head, "But I do remember Batboy."

"That was me."

The boy furrows his eyebrows, confused by my confession. He leans forward as if to make sure he heard correctly.

"You did what now?"

"It was supposed to be a prank," I shrug, "Ended up making him the man he is today," I laugh.

My eyes wonder to the gym floor where the middle school football team stands proud with the cheerleaders dancing in front of them. There was a new kid beside Oliver. He was whispering something in Oliver's ear causing them two both break out into laughter. The new kid had a goofy smile, that didn't seem to ever leave his lips. His dimples seemed forever marked on his cheeks. It's shocking, Oliver Grey laughing with someone, and at school of all places. Who's this new kid? I try to catch the name on his jersey but it's in vain. Hmm, a mystery goof.

"So this is your fault?" The redhead tries to act mad but his smile tugs at his lips, ruining his acting.

"Unfortunately," I sigh, "And I seem to be the only one immune to it."

The boy breaks into a smile, "Nah, you got me."

I smile back to him and jut out my hand, "I'm Hazel."

The boy takes my hand and shakes it firmly. Looking at him more intently, I recognize him from my History class. The ginger with freckles and an athletic build that sat in the back but still managed to always have some of the highest grades. He wasn't from the elite rich people part of town, his old backpack gave that much away, but I could tell he was well off. He gave me 'boy next door' vibes, but maybe that's just because he's a decent human.

"I'm Levi."