Chapter Three

**Trigger Warning: Panic Attacks** (there will be more throughout the story, so please be cautious!)

"Louis, Louis, Louis," Harry murmured, knocking gently at Louis' door. 710. There was a big sign he'd taped up that said, "RA's Room- Louis is: in!" There was a little out sign next to it so he could put it up when he left for classes (his class schedule was taped up as well), and his phone number was up in case of emergencies. Harry stood, trying to memorize all the words, all the numbers, pretending his hands weren't trembling. "Louis, please," he whispered, biting hard on his bottom lip, sucking on his lip ring, digging his nails into his palms and leaving half moon shapes dented in.

An extremely groggy version of Louis opened the door with a creak. "Hello?" he asked, struggling to open his eyes against the harsh fluorescent lights that stayed on all night in the hallway. He was wearing grey sweatpants and a slouchy white t-shirt with a band logo so faded Harry couldn't even read it.

"I'm sorry," Harry said quietly, tugging on his sweater sleeves as Louis squinted from the bright hallway lights. "I should go. I shouldn't have- I just-" His breathing was getting faster now, and he squeezed his eyes shut. He felt like someone was pressing on his chest, he just needed more air, just a little more air. His eyes were wide as he tried to focus on Louis, tried to focus on something but his green eyes just flitted around Louis' dark room, trying not to see shapes in the shadows.

"Harry?" Louis asked, his brows furrowing in confusion. He sounded like he were speaking underwater. "What are you...? Come in." Louis lead Harry toward his bed, closing the door behind them. Louis' room looked remarkably like Harry's (minus the roommate)- which was to say, a cream coloured box with half unpacked luggage and posters not taped up yet. Louis sat down on his plump green comforter and patted the spot next to him for Harry to join. "What's wrong, Harry?" he asked, gently, looking radiant in the soft lamplight.

"I'm overwhelmed, Louis. I get overwhelmed." Harry said, breathing rapidly. He swore he could hear his heartbeat, he wondered if Lou was hearing it too. He thought about his blood squeezing through his veins, his heart contracting over and over, his lungs like balloons ready to float away... he gulped at the air like a fish out of water.

"Okay, it's okay," Louis said softly. "Do you want to breathe for me?" He asked gently, making eye contact, locking his blue eyes on Harry's green ones.

Harry nodded, his jaw open slightly as he tried to breathe.

"Like this, okay?" Louis said, keeping his eyes locked on Harry's. He made his breathing a little exaggerated, keeping his calm eyes steady on Harry's watering ones as his breathing slowed. "Just like that, good job," Louis murmured. He kept breathing with Harry until they had found a soft rhythm and Harry lungs finally remembered how to function properly. "Has this happened before then?" Louis asked.

Harry nodded, his face warm with tears.

"Do you take any medication for it?" Louis asked, still making eye contact with Harry.

Harry shook his head, his curls swinging slightly. He sniffled.

"Have you ever seen someone about it?"

Harry nodded, closing his eyes.

"And what did they tell you?" Louis asked.

"They said I'm just, that I just, I feel too much. Everything's just louder for me," Harry said, his words stumbling out. "Everything's just brighter and louder and faster and more, it's just so much more than it's supposed to be and it's overwhelming. But they didn't want me on anxiety meds, it all had bad side effects, they I thought I'd do better on my own. They think my brains just sensitive to like, to being alive and feeling things but everything feels too much sometimes. Its just too much right now, Louis." He was still crying, digging his nails into his skin before Louis took his hands and gently smoothed over the half moons in his skin.

"I know it is," Louis murmured. "It's okay though. I'm right here and I'm gonna help you get used to it here okay? Make you feel at home- how does that sound?"

Harry sniffled and nodded. He felt needy and he just wanted to be held. He was wearing an over-sized lilac jumper with sleeves long enough to make sweater paws over his large hands, which were still trembling slightly. He wrapped his arms around his torso as though he were holding himself together. "Louis, I can't do this," Harry gasped, shaking with fresh tears.

"You know something?" Louis said gently, "When I was in first year I was so scared I was going to fail all my courses, scared I wouldn't make any friends. It's normal to be nervous. And if you have anxiety problems it's gonna be hard for you for a little while to adjust. But I'll help you through it and you'll make so many friends, and you'll love your courses, and we'll get through it okay?"

Harry nodded, still sniffling, trying to wipe up his tears on his sweater sleeve.

"What helps you when you're anxious, Harry?" Louis asked.

"It's not something you could help with," Harry said, swiping at his red puffy eyes with his sweater sleeve.

"Try me," Louis replied.

Harry took a shaky breath. He had already burst into his RA's room in the middle of the night, it wasn't like he could make things much more embarrassing at this point. "I like to be held," Harry admitted quietly. "But I know you can't-"

"No, it's okay," Louis said gently, "If it's what you need." He wrapped his arms around Harry as they laid down on Louis' mountain of pillows, with Harry tucked into Louis' curvy body and his head under Louis' chin... the little spoon. "Is this... okay?" Louis asked carefully. "Tell me if it's uncomfortable for you."

"No, it feels nice," Harry murmured feeling Louis holding him cautiously. "Can you play with my hair?" Harry asked shyly, biting his lip, scared that Louis would say that it was taking it too far.

"Of course," Louis replied, softly running his fingers through Harry's long curls.

Harry was practically purring from the attention, and had finally stopped crying as Louis relaxed more into Harry. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"What for?" Louis asked. "You don't ever need to apologize for having a panic attack. It's okay."

"No, for... for coming here at like four in the morning and for making you cuddle with me... I know it must be the weirdest thing for you, to cuddle with someone you just met, especially a guy." Harry murmured.

"Oh I've done a lot more than cuddle with guys," Louis laughed, and Harry could practically hear his smirk.

"You're-?" Harry started.

"Don't tell anyone," Louis insisted. "I just don't know if the other guys would be as comfortable talking to me if they knew... you seem more open minded than a lot of the guys here though. But you trusted me with your anxiety so I'll trust you with this."

"Well I didn't know who else to talk to," Harry said. "None of my friends were picking up their phones. You're weirdly good at the anxiety thing though- who taught you the breathing trick?"

"My sister has anxiety," Louis said. "Not the same as yours, obviously, they're all quite different, but she has trouble with the breathing too."

"Does she need to be held to stop crying too?" Harry asked, feeling self conscious.

"She actually doesn't like to be touched when she's having a panic attack," Louis explained. "She needs her space, so I just sit across from her and try and have a normal conversation with her until she calms down and starts talking back to me. But, I grew up around that... it's pretty normal for me, I guess."

"Well thank you," Harry murmured, clutching one of Louis' pillows to his chest. "It means a lot to me to have someone to talk to. It won't happen again though, I promise."

"It happens when it happens," Louis said, still playing with Harry's curls. "And that's okay. Anyone else would do the same."

Harry laughed, "Trust me- they don't."

"How do other people react?" Louis asked curiously.

Harry sighed, and turned around to face Louis, reluctantly giving up his time as little spoon in favour of making eye contact. He felt warm being near Louis' chest. Lou smelt like fresh soap and clean sheets and Harry felt sleepy from the soothing combination. He always had a difficult time feeling comfortable in new situations, especially when he had no way of going home, but Louis was just comfortable to Harry already. "Well my mom just looks so scared, it makes it worse, it makes me feel like there really is something wrong with me. My friend Niall's really good with it, he usually just tries to sing songs to me or make jokes to cheer me up, and he holds me when it's bad. Cam just kind of... I don't know, I think he's just sick of it."

"Who's Cam?" Louis asked.

"My boyfriend," Harry said. "I think, at least. He kind of seemed a bit, off when I left. And then he called and I didn't want to bother him with it so I just, I just kind of tried to bottle it. I'm bad at that," Harry added. "I'm really bad at that."

Louis was listening attentively and rubbing little circles into Harry's palms with his thumb.

"Mm," Harry murmured sleepily, "feels good."

"Yeah?" Louis said quietly. "I always do this when I'm stressed, my hands get tensed up from writing." He kneaded at Harry's palms a little bit more. "So you're gay then?" he asked, still playing with Harry's hands.

"Bi," Harry nodded.

"Well," Louis said, smiling conspiratorially. "Welcome to the club."

Harry laughed. "There probably is a club for that here, right?"

Louis laughed, and it made Harry smile because it sounded more like a giggle than anything. "There is, there actually really is," he covered his face with his hands and laughed. Louis face softened after he finished giggling, and Harry looked up at him like he was literally angelic.

Cam Cam Cam, Harry reminded himself, but his brain was hazy and tired, and when he was feeling anxious, his brain just wanted to latch onto all the good things.

Louis was a good thing.

"I should probably get you back to your room," Louis whispered.

"Probably," Harry agreed, but neither made a move.

"You know, if anyone notices you missing in the middle of the night on your first night, you are not going to get the reputation you want," Louis warned lightly.

"Fine," Harry groaned. "I'll stop hogging your bed."

"Only if you feel calm enough," Louis replied.

Harry nodded, "I'm fine."

"Okay," Louis said, as Harry sat up and readjusted his sweater. "Take the pillow with you," he smiled, holding it out as an offering. It was the super plush one with the crisp white pillow case that smelled like laundry detergent.

Harry shook his head, his curls bobbing slightly. "I'm not stealing your pillow, Lou."

"Well you have one pillow," Louis said, and I have... his eyes glinted as he counted the ones on his bed, "Five. You need at least one to hold onto while you're sleeping and one for your head."

"Fine," Harry said, smiling as he cuddled Louis' pillow. "Stop being so nice to me though or else I'm never going to be able to repay you."

"It's fine," Louis said. "I literally get paid for this." He laughed, and Harry's dimples popped up as he laughed too. "Did you want me to walk you back to your room, or?"

"I can make it," Harry said, smiling. "Thanks for dealing with me, sorry it's late, I promise it won't happen again- you're literally the world's best RA though."

"Aww," Louis said, and his dimple appeared in his smile. "Thanks, Harry, I'm glad to help, any time even the middle of the night. Next time you feel anxious, come get me and we'll get through it together okay?"

"Okay," Harry said, hugging onto Louis' plush pillow.

Harry walked quietly back to his room, slipped past his roommate as stealthily as he could, and fell asleep as soon as he collapsed on his new pillow.