|8| hot tears and memories

Grief isn't a passing time,

It's a scar that stays,

Slowly fades with time,

But never fully leaves.

~inessa Akin

(I'm not a poet but I couldn't find a poem for what I wanted this to say so I wrote my own)

*turn song on if you like!*

_____________

Having such a good time yesterday helped subside the pain and memories of today, but now that I'm alone and there's no one I need to paint a smile for...my feelings hit full force,

Today marks one of the most painful days in my life,

Its the day my father sacrificed his life for my mother,

Every year this day comes and goes, but it never gets easier, the pain doesn't subside, over time I've been able to come to terms that I have to move forward in my life and not stay in the past, but my father being gone doesn't ever get easier to deal with,

I miss him with my whole heart, he's the most kindhearted man out there, his love for my mom was so real and true, beautiful and pure, he would've and did do everything he possibly could for us, my mother and father's love is the kind I seek for my self,

The kind of love that makes you forget there's pain and tragedies in life,

The kind of love that fills your heart with joy, your body with love, and fuels you with undeniable worthy in their eyes, the kind of love that strengthens 0ver time and grows, the love that's worth it in the downs, the kind that flourishes in the rain and blooms after the storm.

Even as a little child it was impossible to not notice the love my parents shared, just the way my father looked at my mother when she rambled along about her day was enough to realize how much he cared for her, his face relaxed in her presence and it seemed any amount of stress he was under from work would be removed with just a smile from her, we would watch movies together and my dad would just look at his wife sleeping on his shoulder instead of the movie,

Even as a small child I knew I wanted that when I grew up, I wanted that kind of love, I wanted someone to love me at my lowest, and my ugliest and most vulnerable, I want us to cherish the little moments together, and never take each other for granted, I want us to only grow stronger over time and not let our love fade away.

Remembering how mesmerized he was by her smile alone and the love she would give both of us, it breaks my heart, it pains me to know I'll never be able to speak to him, he's gone

Along with my mother.

When I was younger I convinced myself my father was still here since his heart was beating for my mother, and that way I was still able to hold onto a piece of him so he was still here in a way, but after my mothers passing I felt more alone then ever, it was official that he was gone, that they were both gone and I had to grieve that, I had to mourn that loss and still till this day it gets difficult

I'm incredibly grateful my father gave my mother a second chance at life, it pains me to think that sacrifice caused me to lose a father but his love will always live in my heart, it will live in my mother even though she's gone, and it will remain in my memory as a good thing because he saved my mother, he saved his wife,

I was able to have a mother for another nine years, she was able to laugh and run and breathe normally, without the worry of heart failure, and she got to live life just like a normal mother, everything I know and am today is because of my mother and how she raised me, and I wish more than anything I could tell him how much I love him, and miss him, how he's my hero for risking his own life for someone else, how he never failed as a parent or husband, and how he showed me true love and having a kind heart.

Every girl needs her mother, but just as you need a mother you need your father and sadly I missed that from his sacrifice but my mother made sure to tell me memories of him, I read his journal every day and grew to feel my father's presence even though he wasn't here in person.

I will never forget the day my mother woke up in the hospital to find out her husband and father of her child died giving his heart to her, how she cried finding out he needed to make sure she had a second chance at life

|flashback 14 years ago|

The night went by in a blur, mom didn't feel good and had to be rushed to the hospital,

I might be ten but I know my mom isn't doing good and she might go to heaven sooner than expected,

Dad pulled me aside to talk to me and I'm not sure I understand half of the things he talked about but I'm trying to be strong and act like I know what was going on,

"Just remember buttercup I'll always love you and whatever happens you have to know that okay?" My father says tears filling his eyes

"Okay, But what's going to happen?" I as confusion and worry coating my body

My father takes a deep breath while tears flow freely down his face

"Don't you worry about it, okay? But I hope I was a great father to you and that I will be remembered to you as a memorable father who did his best for the two people he loved most" he gives me a small reassuring smile that just confuses me further

I didn't understand, why was he acting like he was saying goodbye when Mom is the one who's sick,

I remember nodding and telling him I loved him too and that he was the best dad I could've ever asked for,

I don't remember much as we drove to the hospital, but I do remember looking over to see my dad crying and it broke my heart,

I could see the fight slowly leave his body as he tried to stay strong for me,

I sat quietly in my seat as a watched my dad try keeping it together, I felt hot tears running down my face but I didn't know why they were there,

I remember hugging my dad so tightly that I couldn't breathe and him kissing me goodbye and telling me he loved me so much and he loves mom with his whole heart and that I needed to tell her that,

I didn't understand why he couldn't say it himself,

I kept telling him okay and nodding but my mind was drowning in questions and confusion about what was going on,

He handed me a journal and made me promise to not read it until mom woke up, he told me that when she woke up we were to read it together

I simply nodded in yet more confusion,

What happened next was all a daze, the nurses running around, my father leaving me after telling me how much love he had for mom and me and then the nurses giving me pitiful looks which I didn't understand,

many hours later when I woke up from my nap a nurse came kneeling in front of me telling me my mom woke up and I could go see her,

I remember walking over to the room to see her sobbing,

I didn't know why because it was great that's she was alive

Until I sat on her bed and she began to talk to me through tears,

"Hi my sweet girl" she whispered caressing my cheek

"Why are you crying mom" I whispered back

"I have to tell you something and it's not going to be very easy, you need to be patient and listen to me okay?" She says her voice breaking as she speaks

I nod because I'm too confused to speak

"Do you know how I talked to you a while back about how for me to live a longer healthier life I would need a new heart because the one I have is simply not working with my body?" She cry's

"Yes" I whisper nodding

"Well someone gave me their heart," she says voice breaking with each word she spoke

"That's great mom! Then you can live longer" I said beaming with joy and confused as to why she was crying and looked so sad over such great news,

"Well this is the hard part, the doctors said that your dad signed a form that if anything were to happen to me that his heart would be given to me," she says trying to stop herself from crying

I stare at her in confusion still not understanding,

She takes deep breaths to calm herself down

"He gave me his heart sweet girl," she says breaking down again

My heart starts aching, I suddenly feel ill and can't move, I'm paralyzed, the pieces start slowly falling into place making me numb in terror,

I'm paralyzed in confusion, fear, heartbreak

"Does that mean he's-" I whisper my voice cracking

My mom simply nods beginning to cry harder

"That's why he said those things to me," I say beginning to cry

I look at the journal in my hands and my heart aches looking at it

After probably hours of my mother holding me as we both cry out all our tears my mother picks up the journal to read it to us

The first entry:

𝙼𝚢 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕𝚜,

𝙸𝚖 𝚜𝚘 𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚓𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚕, 𝚒𝚖 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚋𝚘𝚝𝚑, 𝙵𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝𝚕𝚢 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚋𝚘𝚝𝚑 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚖𝚢 𝚠𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚍𝚘 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚗 𝚖𝚢 𝚙𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚘 𝚔𝚎𝚎𝚙 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚋𝚘𝚝𝚑 𝚜𝚊𝚏𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚢, 𝚒 𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚠 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚖𝚎 𝚠𝚎 𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚛𝚞𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚗𝚘 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚗𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚊𝚜𝚔 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚖𝚎 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚎, 𝚒𝚝 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚎 𝚖𝚢 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍𝚗𝚝 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚖𝚢 𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚊 𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚊 𝚜𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚊𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎, 𝚊𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚒𝚐𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚙𝚊𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚘𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚊𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚛, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚝𝚜 𝚖𝚢 𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚖𝚢 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚜, 𝚒𝚖 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚖𝚢 𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕𝚜 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚖𝚊𝚍 𝚘𝚛 𝚞𝚙𝚜𝚎𝚝 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚖𝚎 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚒 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚒𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚠𝚘, 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝚒 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚒𝚝 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚋𝚘𝚝𝚑 𝚘𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚙𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚌𝚛𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚜, 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚎! 𝚁𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚋𝚘𝚝𝚑 𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚜, 𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚊𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚓𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚕, 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚝𝚕𝚢 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚢 𝚋𝚞𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚌𝚞𝚙 𝚎𝚡𝚌𝚎𝚙𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚘𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚒 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚢 𝚟𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚊 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚏𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚢 𝚐𝚞𝚒𝚍𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚍𝚟𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚖𝚎, 𝚒𝚏 𝚒𝚖 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚢 𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚒 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚠𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖, 𝚒 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚊𝚕𝚜𝚘 𝚠𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚕𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚢 𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚠𝚒𝚏𝚎...(𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚖𝚢 𝚘𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚠𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚋𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚘𝚖), 𝚒 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚒 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚊 𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝 𝚏𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚞𝚜𝚋𝚊𝚗𝚍, 𝚒 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚢 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚕 𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕𝚜 𝚜𝚘 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑, 𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚐𝚘 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚜 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚍 𝚊𝚜 𝚒 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕

𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍, 𝙳𝙰𝙳 ♡︎

By the end of the first entry, mom and I are both in tears and are hugging each other close, missing him more then ever imaginable.

|end of flashback|

As I lay in bed, tears stream down my face as I close the journal I reread throughout the year,

It makes me feel closer to my dad reading his words on life, and his oh so wonderful fatherly speeches,

I spend a majority of my Sunday eating ice cream cuddled in my bed reminiscing on memories, I look through old photo albums and videos of us and cry so many tears that it feels like I'm empty at some point, numb with nothing left in me,

I then go to the store and buy some flowers and take a road trip a few hours away to visit my dad,

I make sure to clean his grave and place the flowers carefully on it, I did the same for my mom,

And then I sit down with my dad's favorite food which is a sandwich,

I guess that's where I got the love for them from

I eat and talk to my dad for a while, and then I talk to mom, and I cry, I laugh reminiscing on memories, and then cry some more,

When I'm back in my room after a long day I take a shower and numbly clean myself

My tears feel hot at this point, like fire on my skin

It feels as though it will burn my skin and leave a mark with how much I have managed to cry

But I can't help it, The tears flow down my cheeks without any control

I'm crying for my mom and dad today,

And it's okay to grieve and cry,

That's what my mom taught me

If I choose to sit and try not to cry looking at the positive when I need to grieve then I'll blow up with pain and bottled up emotions at some point,

So I cry and cry so that when I wake up the next morning I can continue living for my parents with a smile on my face and a good attitude toward life

-----notes-----

So the cute idea I had and was talking about was the journal entries from her dad! And I know I could've had him die a different way but I felt like the story needed some sadness and pizzaz since I can't write sad shit to save my life because I LOVE MY FLUFF!! So I thought her dad giving his heart to her mom was a cute but sad thing to include,

I also want to make it VERY clear I don't have any clue how a heart transplant works and whatever and it's probably not accurate how I wrote it but hey this is a fictional Wattpad story so I'm allowing myself to write it the way I want😭🧍🏼‍♀️

But I am sorry if it's annoyingly inaccurate, if any of you know someone or have dealt with transplants and heart failure do comment so I can fix this chapter♡

Also I'm sorry this chapter isn't good (my cramps are HELLA painful...hence the depressing chapter lol but TRUST me that the next chapter will have Aaron in it and won't be fully sappy and about her parents

Vote and comment

Word count: 2546