|42| painful tears

My darling,

You will never be unloved by me

You are too well tangled in my soul.

~unkown

_____________

As I lay in bed I think about Vanessa, I crave her touch near my in the empty room,

But I know she doesn't want to move too fast and I'll respect the speed she's comfortable with,

But I guess I'm a crazy man because I can already see the potential of me going down on one knee, and spending the rest of our lives together.

I love her with my whole heart, I've never met someone like her nor have I allowed myself to let my heart grasp onto something I've desired my whole life,

Someone kind-hearted and full of love and life, of pure utter glow in happiness, it's what I see in Vanessa, within her sneaky smiles and warm words,

I even sleep with the damn matching frog we got together because it smells like her

She gave me her perfume about a month ago when she stole my Cologne, she said "now were even and we can smell like each other"

I remember her laughing and Spraying some of it on a hoodie so it smelled like me, her cheeky little grin made me immediately want to order twenty more so she'd never run out,

It was cute, and I sprayed some of it on her frog and the pillow next to me on the bed just so she'd smile at me,

But now I do it freely, just to feel her scent near, to imagine her warm body next to mine,

It Might be absurd but I feel crazy when it comes to her, I'd do anything for her,

I believed I would never smile again after losing my sister, I thought my life was permanently destroyed when I stepped into the bathroom that day and found my little sister on the floor Unconscious,

occasionally it feels like it was just yesterday

|flashback: eleven years ago |

I just got done hanging out with a couple of my friends, all we talk about now is college,

It's so near and I can't be more eager to finally be taking that next step in my life, done with the headache of high school,

Avery told me this morning that I'm going to do incredible in college, and it just made me more eager to prove her right,

To prove to every single person that I will succeed in life, and that all my hard work will be put into something that would forever transform my life.

My little sister is a breath of fresh air, she's so easygoing and sweet,

A lot of my friends hate their siblings but I'm pretty chill with my sixteen your old sister,

We don't hang out as much especially this year with me getting ready for college and all my focus is on that, but after college, we will go on a trip together around the world

Both of us love traveling and it will be fun to not have our parents nagging at us all the time while we're exploring the world.

I run up the stairs to go take a shower after hanging out all day in the summer heat with my friends

I go into Avery's room to say hi but find that she is not there

'Maybe she's with her friends' I think to myself

I notice some letters on her desk but shrug it off cus it's not my business with whatever shit she's writing or doing,

It's probably nothing, maybe it's her friend's birthday or something and she wrote cards

I walk into the bathroom and freeze in place, the door is ajar and I see part of a hand on the floor,

Opening it I'm met with Avery, laying on the floor, pale, and still, everything moves in slow motion as I get a grasp of what was happening,

I feel dizzy and nauseous all of a sudden

There are so many pill bottles, it looks like every bottle that was in our cabinet is on the floor currently...

But not a single pill lies anywhere

"No, no, no, no, no" I whisper to myself,

I lunge to the floor and look at her pale skin,

Lifeless she looks lifeless, and she's cold...so cold, my vision starts to blur as I check her pulse,

My tears fall freely on her shoulder, they won't stop falling,

I never really cry, but God I can't stop crying right now

"Avery please wake up, come on be alright" I plead

I keep checking her pulse like it's magically going to change

"Come on" I cry out nudging her body

"Wake up" I beg as I tap he'd cheeks,

"You're my little sister...you can't leave me," I say in a whisper

"We're supposed to go through life together as a team... as we talked about last summer" I whisper with a break in my voice

"Please don't leave...wake up Avery" I plead

I can't stop crying and screaming for her to get up, loud Enough that my parents run up the stairs to see what was going on

"What's going-" my mother's sentence stops as she looks in the bathroom

"She won't wake up" I choke out

"What the hell..." my father says as his eyes scan the floor filled with pill bottles

"Oh my Gosh, my baby" mother cries out as she runs to Avery's side.

Everything in the next hour goes by completely in a blur, as the ambulance arrives, they try everything to revive her,

Then they turn to my parents and tell us "she's gone, I'm sorry there's nothing we can do"

"How long has she been gone for?" my mother asks in a whisper

"A couple of hours...there's nothing any of you could have done," the EMT says

"My baby was laying lifeless upstairs and we didn't even know" my mother sobs and falls to the floor,

My father is barely standing as tears uncontrollably fall,

I can barely breathe as I keep recalling me walking into the bathroom and seeing her there,

Hours go by and I go to my room, a painful, numb feeling overcoming my whole body,

It feels like a horrible nightmare that I will wake up in cold sweats to,

But it's not... it's reality, the horrible, terrifying reality

I pass my Averys room and my eyes catch those same letters that I saw earlier,

My legs move toward them without much thought,

There are three of them each one labeled with a name on it,

With shaky hands, I pick up the one with my name and sit on her bed as I open it

~Aaron

I'm sorry, Truly i am that you have to read this, i love you with my whole heart, your honesty is the best brother that I could have ever asked for, and I hate to think that you reading this and possibly crying and feeling hurt, but I can't do it anymore Aaron... it's too hard. I'm so tired. I want to say non of my choices revolve around you...non of them, yYou truly are one of the reasons I held on for so long, I know that you probably have so many questions about why I did it...and all I can say was that life got too hard for me, it was too much all at once and I couldn't handle it anymore, you helped me in more ways than one, to try and keep fighting and seek the light at the end of the tunnel, but at some point, I was too tired to keep walking forward, and I couldn't do it anymore, your my best friend Aaron, and I hope you know I love you with everything in me and just know there's nothing you could have done to prevent my Decision, I'm sorry again that you have to read this, and I'm even more sorry for making promises like us traveling together when I knew I was going to do what I did...I was depressed and I just wanted to stop feeling those things, I wanted peace and I finally got it, and I hope you don't think I'm a coward for taking the easy way out by ending my life, but I truly couldn't do it anymore. travel...please do all the things we were going to do for me, live for me, live your life good and happy for me.

~ I love you forever and always, Avery.

I drop the letters to the floor and cry on her bed, it still smells like her, I miss her

I miss my little sister...

How did I not know she was depressed? How did I not notice my sister wanting to end her life, how was I not aware she wasn't truly happy

Maybe if I didn't spend all my time thinking about college she might have not felt so alone and depressed...maybe if I spent more time with her this year she wouldn't have done what she did,

Maybe,

would've,

could've.

It doesn't matter what I think anymore, whatever I wish won't bring her back

Nothing will bring my sister back

Screw everyone,

happiness is ludicrous.

I believed she was happy yet clearly she wasn't,

It's not worth it for me to fool around with friends anymore, I'll focus only on college and work,

That way I can't get close enough to anyone to lose them.

I just lost my best friend...and I never want another one in the chance of losing them again.

| end of flashback |

I remember I changed after that day, I stopped smiling

I became cold and distant to everyone around me, every high school friend I had I ignored until all I had was my parents in my life,

I never thought I would ever feel happiness after that day, I thought I would remain depressed as I did for more than half a year after Avery's death,

I truly never thought I'd find a best friend after the tragedy that I had to witness,

But then Vanessa came into my life

And she completely flipped it upside down,

And I can't not smile when someone mentions her name, she's all I think about, I always want to be around her and she makes me forget there's pain in this cruel world.

____________

I hear two knocks at the door and immediately smile knowing I get to see my beautiful angel

"Good morning" Vanessa smiles walking into my office with my morning coffee,

God, she's so beautiful

"Good morning" I grin tugging her closer to me,

It's difficult to keep my hands to myself when she's in the same room as me, especially if it's just us

She cups my cheeks and gives me a kiss,

Today she's wearing black tight pants with a red silky blouse, and her hair is up in a bun.

I pull her flush against my body and hear her sigh as she rests her forehead against mine,

"You have your first official business meeting up on the rooftop today...how do you feel?" Vanessa asks while a small smile tugs at her lips

"I feel like your rooftop idea is going to give me lots of new clients," I say planting a kiss on her lips

She laughs a little and it goes straight into my heart, I'll never get tired of that sound.

I'll never not want to hear the joy that pours out of her laughs, the music-type notes she emits within the funny and unfunny moments we share,

"Can we go on a walk tonight?" Vanessa asks as if id say no,

I don't think there's a single thing she can ask of me that I'll say no to

"Of course" I chuckle

"Thank you," she says kissing my cheek

Anything for my girl...absolutely anything you wish I lay it in front of you.

______________

After a long day of meetings and work, I'm finally done for the day,

Vanessa's rooftop idea was absolutely genius I got four new clients in an hour, and usually, it takes about an hour to get one client on board,

I grab my coat and phone and head to Vanessa's office so we can go on the walk,

Before I knock I hear her talking to what seems like herself

"Why are you such a horrible person...?" she whispers

"I'm sorry mom and dad, I'm such a failure" she mumbles and I can hear her on the verge of tears

Is this really what she thinks of herself?

I'm so damn proud of her...she's accomplished so much

She's the sweetest person I've come across, she works hard and puts all her love into every damn thing she does,

How can she possibly think she's a failure?

I decide its best to not mention the fact I'm kind of spying on her right now

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" she Continuously whispers

I knock on her door and take a deep breath willing the pain in my heart to go away at the mere sound of distress in her voice,

She clears her throat "come in"

I walk in and she has a big smile on her face seeing me...

Is she truly not happy and just good at masking her pain?

Just like Avery was?

Shit.

I suddenly can't breathe,

"Ready to go?" She asks smiling as she reaches for my hand,

"Yeah" I force a smile and grab her purse

I help her put her coat on and she grabs my hand once more,

She's acting as if she wasn't just about to cry, saying she was a failure...

Suddenly I don't feel so good and I'm transported back to my eighteen-year-old self who felt guilty about not realizing my sister was depressed,

In the elevator I hold her flush against my body from behind so she doesn't see my face

She's not my sister, I remind myself

Maybe she doesn't feel good enough in her work?

The whole time we're walking around New York it's on autopilot

I watch her laugh and smile and talk as if nothing is wrong,

My heart sinks to the floor at the sheer thought she's putting on a front to make herself look happier than she is,

Maybe I don't know her as well as I thought, I truly did think I could see her little lies,

After we walk back to work I take her to her car

I kiss her and hug the life out of her "text me when you get home so I know your safe" I tell her

Safe...and alive

"Alright, but you better do the same" she laughs

"I love you" I cup her cheeks staring deep into her eyes, making sure she understands that someone loves her with their whole life,

She scrunches her nose and looks at me with a small smile

I trace the smile with my thumb, she gives my thumb a little peck before letting out another small laugh

"I love you" she kisses my lips gently

After we say goodbye I drive to my place on autopilot, walk inside and do my whole night routine on autopilot.

The minute I sit down on my bed and I turn my head to look at my dresser and see some of my favorite pictures of us taped on my mirror, along with one of Avery and I...and then I start to cry

I feel the tears falling down my cheeks, I put my head in my hands and take deep breathes,

I miss my sister, still after eleven years, and now feeling like Vanessa isn't truly happy...my emotions are overflowing

"Please be truly happy" I whisper

"Please be okay and keep living" I whisper

"Don't give up if you're not okay, I can't lose you, come to me and ill carry your burdens" I continue whispering as if she can hear my pleas

"I hope I make you happy" I utter barely as my voice gives out,

The tears are painful, they almost hurt in a way and my heart hurts along with the fear of Vanessa not being happy

I get a text and immediately grab my phone

My everything: I made it to my place, I love you, sleep well

I take a deep breath in and out

'I made it to mine, I love you more, you sleep good too' I type out

I walk up to my mirror and see the picture a woman took of the two of us on our first date in front of the Statue of Liberty, she has such a beautiful smile on her face that it makes my heart feel full, then there's a picture of her laying on my chest asleep in bed, there's another one of her eating a sandwich with a big grin on her face...she didn't realize I was taking the photo, she was just happy and enjoying the sandwich and that made me love the picture that much more, there's another one of her grinning so big I think her cheeks are going to burst as she looks at the hot air balloons when we were in Turkey.

Was she truly happy?

God I hope so, I hope I'm just overthinking everything, and that she's okay

I decide I can't sleep without knowing she's okay so I text her to facetime me

When I answer shes laying in bed cuddled up in her millions of blankets with the frog stuffed animal with a soft smile on her face

"Hi sunshine" I smile immediately at her sweet expression when she looks at me

"Hi my Aaron" she replies quietly with a laugh

"Cant sleep?" She asks

"Not really" I shake my head,

not without you.

"How about we talk until we fall asleep then" she suggests

"Okay how about you tell me what makes you truly happy, just keep talking about it," I tell her laying down on my side so I can see her

She grins "alright...well let's start with the big one, you make me so unbelievably joyous that sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, your presence right now makes me happier than I was two minutes ago, your smile is like pure magic, it fills my chest with so much the warmth that I think I'll explode in happiness, your hugs make me feel so content and safe, your arms holding me tight makes me feel like everything's perfect in the world, your heart...now that's a big one, you have such a big heart Aaron and I don't think you realize it, you're so unbelievably kind and generous, so selfless, I love you for your heart, your smiles, hugs, but I also love you for your mean businessman side, I love you even when your sad or angry. you Aaron make me the happiest, I love you so incredibly much it's all I know now"

"Your love surrounds me in all that I do and feel, it's always there, it fills the void in my heart, and interrupts the thought of loneliness, it's in your eyes and heart that I truly know that I'll never be alone" she confesses.

I stare at her as she looks at me with a big grin on her face as she talks, hearing her talk calms my heart and slowly rids any panic in my head...though it's still back there it's subsided.

She's my everything, my one reason to keep smiling every day

"Henry makes me happy too, he's such a sweet old man, I can't imagine having to go through the trials he had to face in life...that poor man, he has a kind heart too, he never fails to make me happy as well" she smiles getting lost in thought

"Flowers make me happy too, they're so beautiful and simple yet bring so much joy to me, I feel like most people when they receive flowers don't care because to them it's just flowers but to me, they're a lot more, there's so much beauty in simplicity and flowers are so simple...yet so unbelievably stunning and they very much make me happy" she sighs with a smile

"Oh! Sandwiches make me happy" she laughs "there so delicious, I mean there's so much you can do with a sandwich you know what I mean?"

"Yeah I know what you mean" I whisper with a small laugh

"Your turn I wanna hear you talk now, I love your voice...OH! That's one too your voice definitely makes me happy, hearing you talk brings me joy" she grins

"I love hearing you talk too" I smile

"Alright what makes me happy? I never knew true happiness I don't think, my whole life my happiness revolved around my family but when I lost my sister, I shut off any possibility of it. and then you came into my office with that big smile on your face and you changed me, you changed the meaning of happiness for me...I always thought happiness was solely a feeling I thought it was just a giddiness you sense when you see or do something, but when I met you I realized your happiness...my happiness, to me happiness is you, just you the way you are no matter what. You broke the barrier I had of trying to keep good away, and now all I know is happy with you, you radiate so much joy sunshine, it's unbelievable to me how you don't see how amazing you are, how special and loved, I think your parents would be so damn proud of you sweetheart, they would be so proud of the smart woman that you are, I don't think you even notice the pure joy you bringing others, I mean to use me as an example I forgot what happiness was for at the time it was eight years and then all it took was listening to your adorable rambling about how much you want the job to give me happiness, you did that Vanessa"

I look to see a sad smile on her lips "you think they would be proud?" Her voice cracks

"So damn proud...how do you not see that Vanessa? You turned three peoples lives around...Mine, Henry's, and Victoria's you changed our lives big time...but then again you also changed my parent's lives and everyone else you meet" I say with a small smile

"I love you...you know that?" She whispers

"I love you...and I don't think you'll ever understand how much" I confess

She laughs a little with a big grin "can you keep talking? I want to fall asleep to the sound of your voice"

And I do, I tell her how I love my parents and how they make me happy and then I tell her even more ways she makes me happy, and I watch as her breaths slowly even out and she falls asleep,

I take a screenshot of her beautiful sleeping face, and I fall asleep at the sight of her breathing, knowing she's alive and safe.

----notes----

In this chapter you get a little insight into Aarons's part with him finding his sister, definitely a sadder chapter though...oops sorry y'all I was listening to the song Ellie badge- a slow and quiet version while writing this and it brought out the feels

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