|50| christmas without you

"I don't care how complicated

This gets, I still want you"

~Unknown

_____________

A week later I yet again wake up with a raging headache, I barely make it out of bed til I start feeling nauseous, I run to the toilet and end up puking.

I've been feeling sick these two-ish weeks and it makes me even more uneasy realizing that my heart might be failing faster than expected, I guess it's a good thing Aaron transferred me so I won't have to come up with an excuse when I wanted to quit being his assistant to move across the country so no one knows I died.

But a part of me selfishly wants every last moment I have to be with Aaron,

I continue puking and after I do I slowly walk to my kitchen and grab some Saltine crackers I do some breathing exercises to help with nausea, I've had nausea before from heart failure but never this bad, it makes me question if a heartbreak can make heart failure fail faster? I don't know but it feels like it.

After getting ready for work I drive to the place Aaron told me I'm working at, I hope Mr wells is nice, I'm quite nervous having to work for someone new since I'll have to figure out how he likes things for the first couple weeks and that's going to suck quite a lot.

I enter the building after parking my car and see the front receptionist,

since this building is in a different area the coffee shop I would go to every morning isn't within walking distance so I had to make coffee at home, I decided to find a coffee shop nearby later.

"Good morning how may I help you," the blonde-haired woman asks looking up from her computer

"Good morning, my name is Vanessa Adler and I'm supposed to be Mr wells new assistant can you point me in the direction of his office" I smile kindly at the woman

She nods "of course, you just go over there and there should be elevators then go to floor forty and there's a receptionist on that level that will tell you from there" she smiles a little

"Thank you," I say before walking to the elevators, as I walk I bump into someone

I gasp "Henry? What are you doing here?" I ask confused

He laughs "I work here...what are you doing here?"

My mouth drops...of course, how can I be so stupid? I remember Aaron saying henry worked at the second-best design and remodeling building

"I work here as of today," I say quietly

He knits his eyebrows "wait why?"

I may or may not have failed to mention to henry that I got transferred when we had lunch together a few days ago...

"Aaron transferred me" I laugh awkwardly

"Oh...wow, Well his loss I'm happy to see you" he smiles warmly

"Yeah...well I should go I don't want to make a bad impression on the first day" I grin

"I'm sure you will be fine, Mr wells is pretty chill" he winks

I laugh as I wait for the elevators, when I get up to the fortieth floor the receptionist tells me where to go and I go to knock twice but stop and knock three times instead,

It's funny how something as little as a knock can remind me of Aaron, 'come on in' a voice says

I walk in and see a man with dirty blonde hair, he has a pretty big beard but it's cleanly shaven and I immediately notice two picture frames on his desk, one with a beautiful redhead woman and he's holding her close smiling, and then another one with him and three little kids, I'm assuming it's his wife and kids.

"Hello you must be Vanessa Adler" he smiles warmly

I grin "hi, yes and you must be Mr wells"

He waves me off "ah call me Braxton, I don't like my assistants to call me by my last name it gets annoying after a while since you'll always see me with meetings and such, I'm pretty much a friend you're helping all day long but you're also getting paid" he laughs

"Well alright, Braxton it's nice to meet you" I beam, it's the first time in a while that I have genuine happiness, I'm glad that if I had to be transferred it was here.

He spends the next hour showing me how to work things and what I'll be doing for him, he then goes and shows me my office, it looks almost the same as the one at Aaron's building since they just put all the stuff from there here.

"Alright you may start with these and after you're done just come on over to my office and I'll tell you what to do next alright?" He says

"Alright" I nod with a smile

______________

After I finish a day of work I decide to stop by some shops to buy some Christmas presents since it's a couple of days away, I buy some things for henry, Zara and Ava, and my new boss.

I decided against getting a gift for Aaron because he transferred me for a reason...that being to not have to see me.

And I'll respect his wishes.

As I walk the streets of New York I get coated with light snow, I smile as I look up at the sky,

Snow is so simple yet beautiful, its looks almost like a soft warm blanket...

Yet it's the complete opposite, it's cold and stings if you don't wear gloves.

I think life's like snow,

It can look so pretty and perfect on the outside for all to see,

But on the inside, it's messy and complicated and oh so cold.

I hug my jacket closer to me as I carry all the bags down to my car, I have to stop walking for a few minutes to catch my breath.

It sucks that I'm twenty-four years old and get tired of a little walk around New York.

Once I get back to my place I feed my frog and then wrap all the presents and place them in the corner of my apartment since getting a tree is too tiring and not worth it for me at the moment.

| Christmas Day |

I get to Zara's house for a Christmas dinner she invited me to,

"Merry Christmas" Zara grins bringing me into a tight hug

"Merry Christmas," I say tightly hugging her back

"How are you?" She asks looking at me

"I'm doing alright...obviously it's still difficult but I'm just trying to distract my mind from everything going on" I shrug with a small smile after everything that happened with Aaron firing me, I talked to Zara and Ava and I just decided to let it be because he wanted space away from me which is understandable after I broke it off...

"Well let's just forget about who shall not be named and everything going on in your life and have an amazing Christmas" she smiles pulling me into her house

My eyes don't know where to go as I look at all the decorations and the warm cinnamon roll scent making its way around the house, Zara's house is the perfect family Christmas, it looks like Christmas threw up everything, and the tree is beautifully decorated I spot some ornaments made by children, some ornaments with baby footprints, and there are a couple of family photos on the wall of Zara, her husband Enzo and there three kids all smiling, it makes me ache in more ways than one seeing what I wish to have.

There's a picture of Enzo on one knee in the library which puts a bittersweet smile on my face because foolishly my mind goes to when Aaron and I went to that library, there's another picture of Zara in a beautiful ballgown with shimmery accents along with a lacy bodice, the dress is elegant and reminds me of a princess, she has flowers in her hair that puts a smile to my face as I imagine her as Rapunzel, Enzo is holding her close to him by her waist and he's gazing down at her with eyes that clearly show love and absolute udder joy.

I follow Zara into the kitchen to see two men who are talking, one I recognize as Enzo and the other I assume is Ava's husband Matteo which I saw very briefly in a photo when I was leaving Ava's house a while ago, the kids are all in the living room playing except Mia, Zara's oldest who's smiling looking at a chocolate cake with hungry eyes,

"Mia don't you even think about it..." Zara warns

Mia grins mischievously "what? I wasn't going to do anything"

Zara hums with a knowing expression "go look after your siblings"

"Alright...love you mom" Mia smiles kissing her mom on the cheek

"Love you too, now scram, you're not getting any chocolate cake before dinner" she laughs

I watch Zara and her daughter interact and it brings an ache in my heart,

I look over at Ava who whispers something in her husband's ear and grins like an idiot while her husband knits his brows together, "stop calling me that pinky pie"

"Not until you stop calling me pinky pie...my daddy pig" she laughs and walks over to us

I'm not sure what's going on with the weird names but I'm not one to judge, I think Zara can tell by my expression that I'm confused so she lets out a soft laugh "they call each other that because when they first met Matt had a Peppa pig shirt on for a dare one of his friends gave him, and she teased him so he called her pinky pie because of her pink hair"

I smile and laugh as she tells me the story "that's cute"

"Man I'm not kidding we need to take another trip together...remember when we took one to Hawaii the first time altogether" Matteo slaps his hand on Enzo's shoulder

"How could I forget" Enzo fights a smile as his gaze lands on Zara's, they share some telepathic thoughts to which Zara blushes and looks away and Enzo smiles looking back at Matteo.

You can tell there very much in love, as well as Ava and Matt, there are very lucky to have found their person.

And the thing that sucks is that I know without a doubt in my heart that I found my person...but I pushed him away because of Wren and David along with the thoughts that won in my head.

I place the gifts I brought under the tree and we all go sit at the table, Matt introduces himself to me, and we make some small talk so I get to know them and they get to know me.

After we eat some dessert and everyone opens gifts, we sit down on the couch with tea or coffee and talk while the kids play with their new toys.

"We should do this again next year! I like her mom" Mia says smiling at Zara

My heart trips a little and my breaths get short as I realize there won't be the next Christmas...this is legitimately my last Christmas, Ava and Zara look at me with Knowing looks, I look at Mia "I'm not sure I'll be able to join next year...I'll be away" I quietly say

"Oh..." she says with a sad little expression "well then maybe the year after that" she nods to herself

"Maybe" I whisper, I feel a tear make its way down my cheek and quickly wipe it before Mia can see, but I wasn't quick enough for everyone else to not notice, after Mia leaves the guys look at me with a confused expression since they don't know anything.

I debate telling anything to Enzo since Aaron is working on a project for a building, I swallow slowly and take a deep breath in "I have heart failure and the doctor is giving me a few months left...that's why I won't be able to be here next year" I admit quietly

Matteo's eyes are wide as well as Enzo's while the girl's eyes are filled with understanding and pain

"And please don't tell anyone...especially you Enzo don't tell Aaron Huxley he can't know" I plead

"Wait...aren't you guys together though?" Enzo asks brows knit together in pure confusion

I explain to them the general picture of everything, "I won't say anything, you have my word" Enzo says

"Same" Matteo says nodding

"Thank you" I whispered

We talk a little longer until I say my goodbyes and head on over to Henry's place, he said he was getting dinner with a few colleagues for Christmas but they should be done by now.

But just to be sure I give henry a call

(Call with henry)

Henry: hey Vanessa! Merry Christmas

"Merry Christmas henry, hey are you home? I wanna give you your gift"

Henry: I'm still at dinner but I should be home in about half an hour if you wanna come by then

"Alright That's perfect...see you then, have fun at your dinner"

We talk a little more until we say our goodbyes and I end the call

(Call ended)

I make my way to the park filled with people and sit on the bench watching the snow continue to fall.

I wonder to myself how Aaron is doing, if he's with his parents or alone, or maybe he's dating again and that thought alone makes me feel sick.

I take deep breaths to help subside the nauseous feeling, I close my eyes for a moment and get flashbacks of Christmas as a little girl, my parents smiling and me running around our Christmas tree, all smiles and pure udder oblivion to what was going to happen in the future.

"Merry Christmas mom and dad" I whisper

I am seated by a big Christmas tree in a New York park so people aren't paying attention to me, I take it as an opportunity to just talk to my parents and explain how my final Christmas has been so far.

I talk and talk and before I know it Henry texts me letting me know he's at his place, I run to my car because I start getting bad anxiety when walking in places where I'm alone, especially after almost getting sexually assaulted in the park, even if it was in a different park with no people.

When I get into my car I take a deep breath and whisper a "merry Christmas Aaron" because I can't help myself, even when I tell myself I'll stop thinking about him I break that promise and do it, as I drive to Henry's all my mind is holding on to are memories of Aaron, and me, us traveling together, our dates, the sneaky kisses we would share at work, or the smiles he would send my way...just to me so only I would see because I was given the gift of being able to see his smiles, "I mean Mr. Huxley...merry Christmas Mr. Huxley" I let out a small sob mixed with a laugh

My mind keeps wandering to the 'what if' like maybe if I would have told him from the start I wouldn't be caught in this mess, or maybe if I wouldn't have chickened out and told him that day he fired me I would've spent my Christmas with him, maybe maybe maybe...

To bad that I won't ever know if I did tell him sooner because surprise surprise I can't goes back in time, I debate whether I should text him merry Christmas but as I park at Henry's building I keep myself from texting him, the less I talk to him the less painful it will be when I move away.

I knock on Henry's door and smile when I see him, it's crazy to think months and months ago he was sleeping on the streets and now he looks like a brand new man, even his smile is different, it's filled with life and real happiness, I greet him with a big hug "merry Christmas henry"

"Merry Christmas Vanessa" he grins hugging me back.

The rest of the night I manage to forget about Aaron for a moment as Henry and I take turns talking about our Christmas and what we did, he has such a big smile on his face as he talks about how this is his first Christmas where he's smiled and made good memories,

It makes me happy that he's able to have friends and make better memories for himself, but it also breaks my heart as I think about all the times he spent by himself out in the cold,

That's why I feel really good about my organization idea, we already had another meeting that went amazing and I can see the hope people have in their eyes as I talk to them, some people volunteered to tell everyone their stories and how they want to change their way of life, and it was crazy to see and hear how different everyone's experience is with homelessness and how they became that way.

All I know is that I will spend my last dying breath trying to help these people have a better life,

The lives they deserve.

-----notes----

Early update because somebody dm'd me on Wattpad with a really sweet comment ♡ thank you to them.

Omg...so like we're getting close to Aaron finding out about her heart....*cue me screaming since I've been planning this idea for months and I finally get to write it!*

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. It's a filler chapter so not that good but needed to be written lol

Vote and comment!

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