|51| she cant die.

And I don't want to forget

How your voice sounds

~Unknown

________________

It's been a week...Christmas has passed, it's a new year, and another day without Vanessa.

I told my parents I was drowning in work so I couldn't go to their Christmas party, but in reality, it was because I'm a coward and I don't want to admit to my mom that the girl I love with my whole being has chosen to leave,

Its been a whole month without her, a whole month that I haven't been able to kiss her, hug her, show her that I love her, its been a week without her being my assistant, I feel too guilty hiring a new one so I do the work myself, and I never realized how much Vanessa did for me until I took on her job as well.

I never really realized how empty I felt before Vanessa...my heart breaks for my parents and how they had to see me like this for years after Avery died, I can't even explain the way your heart breaks and head spins when you find a loved one unconscious and not breathing, it's a feeling I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy, it's something that haunts you for a lifetime and never leaves, sure you might smile again and be happy, but you always have this memory of pure an under agony...the worst day of your life, and something like that never leaves you.

I clear my throat and get back to work, an envelope catches my eye like it has this whole week...its Vanessa's final paycheck, foolishly I've been putting it off because I don't want to send it off without seeing her because that paycheck gives me one last excuse to see her again, I know I can send someone to give it to her, or even send it by mail, but the truth is I just want to see her again...even if it's for a minute.

I take a deep breath and decide to stop chickening out and just go over to the building and give it to her, I grab the envelope and my coat and head out to my car, I ignore people calling my name because they're not important...my sunshine is,

Even though she's not mine anymore...

My hand goes over my heart, where the tattoo is, she doesn't know this, and she's never noticed but the tattoo has a small V hidden in the moon crevices, she's always on my heart, and my heart is always hers.

__________

When I get to the building she works in I walk up to the receptionist and ask where her office is located.

"Umm I'm sorry but I don't know who you are and I can't send random people to the boss's assistant's office," she says giving me a deathly glare

"I'm Aaron Huxley...you may know me or not, but I don't care you will tell me where her office is located, or else, I know the boss and I'm sure I can tell him something that will make him fire you" I spit out

I show her my ID with a glare

"Aaron Huxley..." she says slowly parting her mouth in realization

She clears her throat and tells me where it is, I don't even let her say anything else since I storm towards the elevators, but I try taking deep breaths while I prepare myself for seeing her after a whole week, I'm not sure what I'm even going to say.

'Shit this is a bad idea' I mumble, but before I can back out the elevator stops at the floor her office is at, I slowly walk to the number she told me her office is,

I knock and take a deep breath, no one answers so I knock again, I know that she's is in there because the receptionist on this floor told me she is,

I take a deep breath and just decide to open the door, I don't see her in here and sigh as I put the envelope down on her desk, disappointment fills me as I realize I now have to leave without seeing her,

Before I turn around the sight of a foot makes me stop dead in my tracks, I walk forward and my heart lunges in my throat as I see Vanessa unconscious on the floor, with a pool of blood around her lower part and she looks slightly pale, I'm transported back a decade ago when I found my sister in the bathroom, the whole room spins and I feel like I'm going to faint, I immediately drop to my knees in front of her and feel for her heart, I don't breath as I search for her pulse

"Come on sunshine, don't leave me" I mutter

I don't realize I'm crying until I see tears drop on her cheek, "come on" I whisper my voice breaking along with my heart

I almost scream out in relief when I feel a pulse, it's not strong but it's there, I quickly call 911 and barely register anything happening as I kneel in front of her, "stay with me, please don't leave me, you can't leave me you're the reason I've been able to find a reason to wake up every morning" I whisper in agony

"I love you...okay, and I'll respect that you don't want me as long as you wake up, I won't bother you or talk to you just please wake up" I plead

"Sir you have to move so we can help her," an EMT says from behind me

I move aside and watch them take her away, my shirt is covered in blood as well as my pants from when I knelt in front of her, and my tie is somewhere on her floor when I threw it to be able to breathe better, as well as my business jacket, all I have is my white button up that's not so white anymore, I run after everyone and shove people aside, ignoring everyone stares

"I'm driving with you guys," I tell them when we get to the ambulance

"Who are you again?" An Emt asks

"Her boyfriend...and hopefully fiancé soon please help her dammit," I say, it's not the truth but I wish it was, I wish to marry her,

But that's not something I'm allowed to wish for since she's not mine anymore, but all I care for at this moment is that she's alive, nothing else matters around me as I watch the love of my life barely being able to fight to live.

"Alright but you have to hurry because she needs to be checked out immediately," she says after some thought

I immediately get into the ambulance and hold Vanessa's hand as they check her pulse and whatever other shit they need to do, I feel tears roll down my cheeks but I don't care, I don't care about anything but her.

"You will be okay my sunshine" I whisper only to her

I wait and watch as they check her out and look her over, checking her blood pressure, sticking her with needles

"So it seems that she may have suffered a miscarriage" the person checking her says

I don't think I can breathe as I listen to her, the whole world stops and stares in shock for a moment, my stomach sinks in the realization that she had a baby in her stomach...our baby, and it's gone now

"She was pregnant?" I whisper

The people's faces fall "you didn't know?" Someone says

I shake my head slowly as I look at Vanessa, "that probably means she was very early and she didn't even know herself, we will have to check at the hospital to 100% make sure that it was a miscarriage" she says

I don't look at anyone but Vanessa as we drive to the hospital, no one matters, no one's voice, presence, or even reassurance matters as I stare at her, nothing will make me feel better unless she wakes up,

she's my whole world and I fear that the whole world is about to be destroyed and taken from me.

When we get to the hospital they force me to stay in the waiting room "I want to be with her" I demand

"You can't, we have to do scans and check on her and you have to stay here" the nurse shakes his head

"That's my girl...and you better do whatever the hell you need to ensure she alright, I don't give a rats ass how much money it will take or if I need to give a damn organ, just Make sure she's okay" I demand loud and clear

I'm becoming mad and I have no control over it, "God dammit! One minute you tell me to stay and that you urgently need to help her and now you're standing here like a helpless peasant doing nothing, Go and do something" I spit out watching them standing still staring at me

"WHY the hell are you all standing here for Go help her!" I scream out

They all run out to wherever the hell they need to be and I pace the waiting room in a blur, I don't know how long it has been but it's been too long.

"When can I see her?" I raise my voice slightly when I speak, but I know I don't sound as demanding as I think since my voice breaks with each word I speak,

The receptionist sighs "sir it's only been half an hour"

"Yeah a half hour Too damn long" I argue

"I understand you're worried about your girlfriend sir, but there's nothing I can do to have them hurry up...they will call you when they're done and will tell you everything," she tells me

I take an angry deep breath in and go back to walking helplessly around the waiting room trying to contain my anger and fear, thoughts run through my head...

What if I lose her today...?

What if she dies...

What if I never see her again...?

What if, what if, what if...

"God I hate this" I mutter to myself as I take deep breaths

God knows how much time passes by...

"Listen...I understand all you can do is sit behind a desk and do nothing because it's your damn job but can you just check if they're done with her. Is she alive? Anything Will be helpful " I raise my voice in pure and utter distress

The woman types on the computer and I hear her mutter under her breath "wow I wish someone loved me as much as you love your girlfriend"

No one on this planet has loved someone or something as much as I love Vanessa.

"It looks like she's almost done with a scan...so they should be done soon," she says taking a sip of whatever shit is in her cup

I don't say anything to her as I walk back around the waiting room and pace back and forth,

More and more time goes by and I slowly lose my mind and hope.

"I have a patient named Vanessa Adler," someone says

I never turn so fast before "that's my girlfriend," I say quickly walking over to the nurse

He nods and tells me to follow him, we make it to a room and I see Vanessa is still unconscious and has an IV in and some kind of fluids being put in her,

"Okay the doctor will be here shortly to explain everything," the nurse says before leaving

"Hi sweetheart" I whisper taking her hand

"Please be okay, I can't lose you, you're my everything and the world will be so dark without you, I'll be dark" I whisper with my voice breaking and tears falling

Her steady breaths calm me, I rest my forehead by her body and listen to her breathing and I try to calm myself

"I love you, Vanessa Adler," I tell her with my voice barely above a whisper

I hear a knock at the door and the doctor comes in shortly, "hello I'm Doctor Phillips nice to meet you" he says sitting in a chair

I give him a nod and a look that tells him 'get the hell on to telling me about my girl I don't care about your name'

"So unfortunately Vanessa did have a miscarriage at a month along in her pregnancy...and it was due to her heart failure not being able to beat for two people" the doctor nods sympathetically

The room spins and my heart gets stuck in my throat, my head aches and hurts so damn bad,

heart failure? What the hell is he saying to me

I try keeping my composure and close my eyes as I feel the room getting darker and spinning uncontrollably, everything around me stills and I'm brought back to the present moment

"Can you repeat that?" I ask slowly trying to keep myself upright

"Her miscarriage?" The doctor asks

I intake a short breath "her heart..." I whispered

"Her heart...you said because of her heart failure, what the hell does that mean?" I whisper in a Broken voice

The doctor's face slightly falls "oh...I'm assuming she didn't tell you then" he clears his throat

I level him with a look that tells him to dare to not tell me anything,

"Her file says she had heart failure for over three years, and she's expected to live a few more months unless we find her a donor"

"She knew about this heart failure for over three years?" I say steadily

Anger, hurt, dread, pain, betrayal, everything hits me all at once as I realize she's known and hasn't told me,

I've been kept in the dark about this,

She's going to die?

I'm going to lose her either way...

That doesn't register right away as the distant voice of the doctor talking echoes within the walls, he talks and I don't listen because I can't, everything feels like it's going in slow motion and five times too fast all at once and I can't breath

God, I don't think I've been able to breathe since I found her in the office,

I'm not okay,

She's not okay,

We're both not okay,

But she's more than not okay...she's dying

And all sense has been pushed out the window,

All I can feel, breathe, and hear is Vanessa

All I care about is making her pain go away

"And she goes to checkups every three-ish months it says here" the doctor looks at some papers

"She's dying" my voice cracks as I whisper the truth to myself

"Can you get me tested to be a donor?" I ask

"Well yes..." he trails off

I stand up "then what the hell, are we waiting for?" I spit out

_______________

"You're a match..." the doctor nods with a shocked expression

"Well then what do I have to sign to make this happen?" I ask

"Excuse me?" The doctor says

"My heart hers...point blank Period, it been hers for the past year we've been together, hell even before that too, and it will be hers for an eternity, now what do I sign to give her my heart?" I say my voice lethal and my gaze dares him to disagree

-----notes-----

Well, that happened...I feel like I'm going to faint and I don't feel good, (stress has been getting me lately)

Vote and comment!

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