|53| he knows

My heart is so full of you

I can hardly call it my own.

~Liana Radulescu

________________

I wake up feeling nauseous, tired, and deliriously confused,

I look around noticing that I'm in a hospital room, my vision is hazy as I take in my surroundings, and the smell of sanitizer and cleaning products hits me and makes me feel even sicker as I remember when Aaron and Henry experienced the hospital smell, As well as both my parents at some point.

I don't remember much, just me trying to get some work done, and then out of nowhere I have the worst pain I've ever felt in my stomach, then I tried standing up to go to get some water and everything goes blank, I think I remember the slight memory of someone whispering "you will be okay my sunshine" but I'm not sure If it was my imagination or not.

I see a nurse come in and smile when she sees me "oh good, you're awake"

"What happened? How did I get here?" I ask, my voice coming out hoarse as I try to speak,

She sighs as she checks my IV "I'm sorry to have to say this...you had a miscarriage, it seems that the condition of your heart couldn't be strong enough for two people"

My heart plummets to the floor as the whole room grows dizzy and my body freezes in pain,

A miscarriage?

I had a baby?

A baby...with Aaron

And it's gone.

"I was pregnant?" I reply in a whisper in complete heartbreak

"I'm assuming you didn't know?" She says quietly

I shake my head as a sob escapes my throat "how far along was I?" I manage to choke out

"A little over 4 weeks" she replies

4 weeks...

Did I get pregnant the last time Aaron and I were intimate before I ended it?

I think back, I remember feeling nauseous, and not good all the time but assumed it was because my heart was slowly giving out on me, I assumed I didn't have my period because my period never arrives when it's supposed to,

But in reality, I had a little angel inside my stomach...a beautiful child Aaron and I created, Gone just like that...because of a damn heart condition that he doesn't even know about, We could've had a child and Aarons oblivious to it, he's probably in his office working the day away.

Because I chose to keep my heart condition a secret out of fear, out of the thought of not wanting to burden and hurt someone's feelings, I lived for so long only having to rely on my feelings, never having to speak about my problems with someone since I had no one...

But then I did have someone but when I wanted to tell him it was never the right time, it would've been cruel to tell him when Henry had the kidney failure going on, and it wouldn't have been a good time to do it when Aaron and Henry had the surgeries and then past that point the guilt ate me out alive for not saying anything...it had already past too long and it became a thing I hid out of fear of how he would react...out of the unknown that could've happened.

He would think of me as a liar, would he trust me after knowing I hid this big thing from him the whole time I knew him? He probably wouldn't.

And now it's far too gone...and I'm terrified to tell him, but now I fear I have to, he deserves to know I was pregnant and he also needs to know I miscarried as well, no matter how painful it sounds to have to say.

"Would you like me to send in your boyfriend?" The nurse asks bringing me out of my deep thoughts

My blood runs cold and I suddenly lose all my senses as I hear her words, as my brain catches up.

Boyfriend?

Oh. My. God

Is Aaron here?

"What?" I ask in a whisper

"Aaron your boyfriend, he's been here for almost two days since he found you, he's a mess and has been crying and going crazy making sure you get the best care" she gives me a sad smile

"We finally got him to leave your room to get something to eat, he's been glued to your side for about forty-eight hours" she speaks again

A sob escapes me as I attempt to catch my breath

He did that for me?

I give her a nod because I'm too afraid to speak, too scared of how broken my voice will sound if I open my mouth.

He's been here the whole time? He's been crying?

Oh no...the nurse must have told him about the miscarriage

Shit.

I'm so busy trying to calm myself down from crying that I don't notice when Aaron enters

Or even when he steps closer, not even when he says my name once then twice,

He takes my hand in his and that's when I notice his presence in the room

"Aaron" I choke out

"I'm here sunshine, I'm here," he says voice hoarse and raw

It's clear as day he was crying and probably screaming at the nurses to do their jobs to the best ability

I feel the hospital bed dip and feel him climb in beside me

I immediately crawl close to him clinging to him as I sob, ignoring the fact that I have no right, that he could be seeing other people, that he may be here only because I changed him a while ago to my emergency contact.

"Did they tell you?" I whisper

"The part where you had a miscarriage or the part where you've had heart failure for 3 years?" Aaron says with the most heartbroken voice, I have ever heard

Time stops as I hear him say that, And The world spins twice as fast and freaks out with me at the realization,

He knows...

And it wasn't even me that told him

I stiffen in his hold and try moving away but his grip tightens not allowing me to escape,

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my heart failure," I say between sobs

I feel him cradle the back of my head bringing me closer to him

"I wanted to tell you, I promise...I finally grew the courage the day you transferred me...but then hearing you saying it was too difficult working with me and everything else...made me feel sick to my stomach and guilty to try getting back in a relationship with you knowing you were mad" I whispered

He didn't say anything which gave me room to continue to speak "I love you too much to guilt trip you into staying with me...I was a coward to not talk to you about it, I know that but I let my thoughts ruin what we had and I'm so sorry Aaron, you will never understand how terrible I feel for keeping all this from you" I break down as I talk

I hear him take a deep breath in, I feel a teardrop on my shoulder, and my world crashes.

I lift my head from the crook of his neck to see his eyes red and tears streaming down his face, I cup his cheeks and rest my forehead on top of his as I wipe his tears "I'm so sorry" I whisper "please don't cry, don't shed tears because of me" I plead

"Is this why you broke up with me?" He whispers in confusion

I swallow harshly "yes a little bit...I was also getting threatened by Wren and David, they manipulated me into thinking it would've been better if I left you before I die" I admit quietly, embarrassed as I say the truth...saying it out loud makes me realize how much of a coward I was to let two people get in my head,

Get into between me and a man I love more than the possibility of living longer.

"I'm going to kill them...I found the texts on your phone and my lawyer has been trying to find who's responsible and now we can put those idiots in jail" he says with the clearest anger and pure frustration laced in his voice

I cling to him tighter, scared he will disappear any second, it's probably foolish of me to hold on to him knowing I'm the one who let him go...but at this moment his presence is the only thing keeping me sane, so I allow myself this selfish moment for a second

After some time he speaks

"Did you know about the baby?" He asks

"God no, if I knew I wouldn't have ever broken up with you, even if I would've died I wouldn't keep you from our child" I choke on my sob

"We could've had a baby" I choke over my words as more tears spill and the real realization hits,

I feel more of his tears fall and he strokes my hair trying to calm me

"I missed you so much Aaron," I say

"I hated having to be professional with you knowing I hurt you, I hated that I couldn't hug you, or kiss you, I hated the fact I couldn't tell you I love you, I hated it all Aaron, even when I'm the one who did it, I caused the heartbreak myself," I say crying harder turning almost hysterical

I feel him shifting and grabbing me and then he sits up slightly bringing me closer to him, I cling to him as I cry

"I would be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken, or angry at you...but it was mostly because I knew that if you stayed in my office a second longer I would've gotten on my knees begging for you back, but I blamed myself-

"I thought I wasn't good enough for you and you finally realized that and then I found you in your new office when I went over to give you the final paycheck and I felt more pain than I've ever felt in my life, it was like finding my sister in the bathroom all over again, I was scared I was about to lose the most important person in my life, the person my heart beats for, the person I love unconditionally even if they ended it,

-and then to hear the doctors say words like miscarriage and heart failure, God Vanessa the last thing on my mind was that we weren't together...I just wanted you okay" he says completely obliterated in anguish

I've never seen him this broken and not put together in my whole 3 years of working for him

His hair is a mess, his eyes red and puffy, his suit looks to be the same as the night before since it's coated in blood and his tie is nowhere to be found along with his jacket...

He looks completely broken and I fear it's all my fault.

"You know you can leave right, there's nothing keeping you from having to be here Aaron...I hurt you, I don't deserve to have you holding me, I don't deserve to have you comforting me" I say realizing how incredibly selfish I am right now

"You listen and you listen clearly to me Vanessa, now that I have you back in my arms there's no amount of screaming for me to leave that will ever push me away, I don't care what you think or say I'm staying, your mine and I'm yours and there's no damn way I'm leaving your side," he says sternly and his hands keep my face in a place in front of him

"But I'll die Aaron that's not fair to you" I whisper confusion lacing my words

He sighs looking over my face, he doesn't attempt to wipe my tears because they never stop "firstly, you will get a heart transplant if it's the last thing I do, but if you don't, I will be by your side through all of it making sure the last moments of your life were just how you would want to spend them" he says stroking my hair

"Relationships and real love aren't easy...and if you truly love someone you stay when it's hard" he mutters

"I really really love you, you know that?" I whisper too scared to say it because there's a possibility he hates me

"And I really love you," he says kissing my forehead melting away any fear I had that he didn't feel the same

"I will never give up on you, my heart will continue to beat for you and I will continue to love you, nothing will ever change that," he says sternly looking me dead in the eye so I know there's no lie in his words

"Do you forgive me for breaking your heart?" I ask my voice barely above a whisper too scared to ask but knowing I need to

"You can break my heart a thousand times if you want, but nothing changes the fact my heart beats for you and is yours, and I don't ever plan on giving it to anyone else," he says quietly

"I forgive you, but the question is do you forgive yourself? Because I don't want you feeling guilty sweetheart, I know you and I'm sure you will beat yourself up about the fact you didn't tell me about the heart failure or that you let people manipulate you into breaking up with me" he says continuing to stroke my hair trying to calm me

"I don't think I deserve to forgive me" I whisper into his chest

"Well fine then, I won't forgive you until you forgive yourself," he says

"But That's not fair" I whine as tears flow and I lift my head to look at him

I see the small sad smile playing on his lips

"God how I missed you" He breathed out looking at me

"Even if I lied to you?" I knit my brows together in slight confusion

He nods "I don't like that you didn't tell me because I would've been there for you, but I miss you so damn much Vanessa, I hope you don't lie to me after this though"

"I won't," I say and it's a promise, one I vow to hold.

"Good," he says as his lips inch toward mine

I don't know who makes that final step but it doesn't matter the minute I felt those soft lips on mine the world feels a little better, his warm lips on mine feel like there healing me, mending me back into something better,

He's the moon to my sun, we're on opposite sides of the coin but on the same coin nonetheless, he's bringing light into the darkness in me, guiding me through the dark pathway with his stars shining around him,

when we kiss it feels like I can breathe again, like my heart is restored and I'm taking my first real breath...he's my healing and he's what makes me feel whole, he makes my broken heart that barely works feel full and better than ever,

I taste the pain, and hurt in the kiss, along with our tears meshing together.

It's been a month too long.

A month since I touched him, a month since he's held me, a whole month since I felt his perfect lips on mine

It seems the world has stopped for a moment as our tongues mesh together and we cling to each other,

We're exploring every inch of each other's mouths as if it's the first time we've kissed

And in a sense it is, it is the first kiss after he knows the full me, the first kiss since the hardest month, and the first kiss since he's chosen to stay knowing I will die if I don't get a donor's heart, and through everything I put him through he's chosen to continue to love me and to stay by my side, and that alone shows how foolish I was too not tell him from the start

"I loved you before you knew about my feelings, I love you now, and I'll keep loving you for as long as I have you, and if your time has ended, I'll love you forever after that as well. There's no me without you" he whispers against my lips after we part from a long kiss of feverishly letting our pent-up feelings out,

I smile against his lips "I love you Aaron Huxley...so much that it messes with the person I thought I was, it makes me feel weak yet strong with the amount of vulnerability I'm able to show you, it scares me but I wouldn't want to be with anyone else, I'm not sure why you still want me after the things I haven't told you...but I love you too much to let you go a second time after you've made it clear you still choose me now"

"I think the biggest question is if you love me More than sandwiches" He teases as he talks which tickles my lips making me smile for the first time in a long time

I let out a painful laugh "Who even cares about sandwiches when they get to love you" I say with my tears flowing, the truth ringing through the air

"You're saying you would Choose me over a sandwich?" He smirks slightly brushing his full swollen lips against mine

I get as close as possible to him and whisper against his lips "I would choose you over anything and anyone Aaron"

And I mean every word,

Something breaks in his expression, a sense of pure adoration and love fills his face,

"And I would choose you over anyone and anything to my sunshine" he gives me a sad smile

I show him how much I love him with the way I kiss him until I can't anymore until I have no choice but to break apart for air

"I know that it won't be easy for you to have to go through the process of knowing you lost a child...our child, but I promise you I will be there for you, and I will do everything in my damn power to try making the pain more manageable," he says cupping my face, his voice is hoarse and raw and filled with so much pain

I nod and nuzzle my head in his neck while he holds me and strokes my hair

He holds me as I cry, I feel tears...his tears on me and it breaks me and makes me cry more knowing he's putting his pain aside for me...he's had possibly the most stressful, shocking, and painful two days of his life and yet he chooses to ignore it to be there for me and make sure I'm okay,

I vow that I'll be there for him as much as he lets me, this is my second chance with him and I won't let anyone get in the way of that, I made a stupid mistake and that mistake has shown me how strong his love for me is, and that love...I won't ever take it for granted.

I'll spend my last living breath thanking God that he allowed me just a little more time with Aaron, because that small amount of more time we get means everything and so much more to me.

_____________

After we lay like that, for hours he breaks the silence

"Move in with me," he says as he strokes my hair

We haven't even been together officially for more than a few hours and he's already ordering me around, sure he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend again...but its Aaron, and I know that the minute he stayed by my side for two days it meant he was mine again and I was his

I smile slightly lifting my head from his neck to look at him "is that an order Mr. Huxley?" I whisper with tears welling in my eyes

"Damn right it is" he whispers back as he cups my cheeks

"Well I wouldn't want to disappoint the Boss now would I...even if he isn't my boss anymore" I whisper against his lips as I grin and connect our lips

It's clear that now that he has me back he's not taking any chance to lose me again, he's made it clear he will be by my side through good times and bad, through times when I'm weak and strong, and when I feel like giving up.

"Speaking of that...I'm in desperate need of an assistant, do you know anyone perfect for the job?" He asks with a small smile playing on his lips

I decide to play along "I mean I have a couple of people in mind... what are your requirements?" I ask tracing his lips delicately with my finger

"I require my assistant to kiss me good morning every day, and to dance on the rooftop with me on break, I require my assistant to have lunch with me and meet me in my office at the end of the day, she has to have green eyes, brown hair that I can't help but want to touch all the time, she has to be 5'5 which is the perfect height to me, and she has to have a last name that starts with an A" he nips my ear slightly as he speaks

"That's a very specific list Mr. Huxley" I whisper as I try not to smile

It's crazy to think how happy Aaron has managed to make me in a short amount of time, just hours ago I got the worst news of my life, and now Aarons managed to keep my mind away from it for a moment to keep the tears away even for one second.

"Yeah...you know anyone perfect for the Job?" He asks tilting his head toward me

"Yeah...I can think of one person" I whisper against his lips

"Mhm well I'll need to see this person in my office next week then" he hums against my lips

"Consider her already aware" I smile before placing my lips on his

-----notes-----

My babies are finally back together! :) I'm so happy right now I couldn't wait a week to post this so instead it's yet another bonus chapter two days after the other bonus one!

Vote and comment!

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