|56| fear and worry

He saw her before he saw

Anything else in the room.

~F. Scott Fitzgerald

______________

I watch Vanessa's even breathing as she sleeps on my chest, her hand resting near my heart along with her warm comforting presence makes me tear up,

This girl entered my life and completely flipped everything upside down, any thoughts I may have had that I'd never love again, or smile and enjoy life vanished out of the cold dark room I was trapped in,

She lit the room on fire with her heating presence, she brought joy to my life when I thought all I would have in my life was misery and pain,

Her pain was kept from the world, masked by her bright smile that held lies and the truth that no one knew, it physically pains me to think about her living with this realization for years without having someone by her side, to hold her hand, and be there to wipe her tears when she feels weak and like there's no more hope left,

I love her with everything I am, every dark horrendous part of me loves her entirely, the deepest parts of me that are filled with hatred and agony have been replaced with the love I never thought I'd feel again.

I gently rake my fingers through her hair, holding on to the girl who's my whole life, touching her and still not comprehending her existence, the fear of losing her is too much for my brain to wrap itself around, its as if my heart can't even think of the possibility of her not living in the same city as me...let alone the world

"I love you more than anyone has ever loved someone, and I promise to do anything possible to give you a second chance at life" I whisper into her hair

I sigh quietly grabbing my phone and making sure not to disturb Vanessa's sleep, I see a text from my lawyer saying we need to be at court next week, I text him back confirming the date and time for the trial,

After, I dial my mother

"hey, hun everything okay?"

I take a deep breath still gently running my fingers through Vanessa's hair

"Can I have dinner with you and father today? I need to talk to you about something" I say quietly

I hear shuffling in the background and the unmistakable voice of my father most likely eating his breakfast before work, the mother asks him something and they talk in hushed tones

"That sounds good, will Vanessa be joining you?"

"No it will just be me, how does dinner time sound?"

"sounds good, is everything alright with Vanessa?"

I smile at the fact mother cares for Vanessa, it's just a small detail, but I appreciate that my parents see the pure treasure she is

"She's okay, shes exhausted so I'm letting her sleep in"

"I can't imagine her going through all that herself...and at a young age no less"

"Yeah...it sucks but I'll stick by her side through everything"

She stirs slightly, but doesn't wake up she just nuzzles herself closer to me, and her quiet little sigh makes me grin

"I'm proud of you son...your father and I were so worried for you all these years, I'm so glad you found someone who brought out the extraordinary man I knew you were hiding"

"Geez, mother was I not extraordinary before?" I fake shock

"That's not what I meant and you know it" she laughs

I chuckle "I know what you mean, and she did help me in more ways than one, I don't think I've smiled or laughed this much than I have with her"

"I'm glad you found your smile again" her reply clearly holds a grin

I talk to my mother for a few more minutes and then go back to just watching Vanessa.

"I can feel you staring" she whispers against my skin, her fingers brush over my heart and her lips lay a gentle kiss over the tattoo

"How can I not stare at you?" I smile watching her every movement

"Maybe you can close your eyes" she quietly laughs at her response making my grin widen

God, I love her so much, sometimes I'm not even sure how you can love a person this much, how they can consume you whole and take over your everything.

"Very funny sunshine" I chuckle

"Would you still love me if I was a...mhm, microwave?" She asks half asleep

I can't help it, I burst out laughing

"What? People always say worm but I hate bugs" she mumbles with a smile

"Well answer it" She mumbles after a moment

"Yes I would, I'd turn you on all the time" I bite her ear teasingly

she bursts out laughing, her eyes connect with mine and I look at her cute sleepy eyes, and messy hair, her cheeks tinted pink...

My Beautiful girl.

"That was a good response," she says in between laughs

I shake my head but a stupid grin is still stuck on my face

"Come here" I pull her down on top of me and I hold her close, feeling the thumping of her heart against my skin, she sinks into my touch and sighs in contentment,

"What do you want to do today?" I ask as I run my hand along her back, she mumbles something incoherent into my chest that I couldn't quite catch

"What was that I couldn't quite hear you?" I say tickling her side

She laughs and in a breathless whisper says "I said we should go to a park and have a picnic or something"

"Alright how about you get more sleep, I'll wake you up in an hour and we can start to get ready" I whisper into her hair

"You sure? What will you do while I'm asleep?" She yawns still exhausted, she has terrible insomnia, and its worse because of her heart, she usually has a difficult time going to sleep at night but then takes a bunch of naps during the day,

"I'll answer some of the emails you transferred to me" I cup the back her her her laying her back down onto my chest, she gladly nuzzles her face into my neck, planting a gentle kiss there making me suppress a groan

________________

"So what did you need to talk to us about?" Mother asks as we sit at the dinner table at my parent's home,

I put my fork down with a sigh, suddenly I'm not hungry and the Italian pasta dish in front of me doesn't look as good as it did a minute ago

"Do you guys remember the conversation Vanessa had with you two about her heart and how the only way for her to live is from a transplant?" I ask looking at my mother and father's questioning gazes

They both nod "yeah, don't lose hope Aaron I'm sure she'll get a heart" mother tells me trying to reassure me

"It's not fully about that mom" I whisper

"You guys know how much I love her" I scratch the back of my neck as nerves rise

My father's eyes go wide as realization flows through his body and shock courses across his face "son..." he whispers

Mother's brows fur as she looks at father "what's going on? I'm very lost at the moment"

"I want to give her my heart" I whisper

Mother gasps and fathers eyes fill with tears as he nods

"But...in the likely case the heart that's transplanted to me is rejected, I want to make sure you guys are okay with this decision, you already lost one child" I sigh my voice breaking as I speak

"Oh sweetie" mother whispers standing up as she rounds the table and attacks me in a hug

"I know you guys took Avery's death hard...we all did, and I just don't want you guys to go through that again" I hesitate as I speak

"You really wanna give your heart to her?..." father asks in a whisper

I nod "I love her with my whole being, and I want her happy and healthy, she deserves to wake up every morning smiling and knowing she doesn't have to worry about her heart anymore, I want her to live in peace and live her life to the fullest" tears stream down my face as I speak

My mother only just hugs me tighter letting me cry, "I don't want to lose her" I whisper

"I know honey I know" she whispers soothingly

"You won't hate me for doing this, right?" I ask hoarsely

"How can we hate you when you're willing to risk your life for someone you love...I know I would give your mom my heart in a heartbeat, so how could I possibly hate you or go against your decision" father pats my shoulder as his tears fall freely down his face

"Does she know?" Mother asks wiping my tears away with her sweater sleeve

I shake my head "no absolutely not, she would rather die than have me risk my life for her, she'll tell me how you already lost one child and it's not worth the risk"

"She's the sweetest girl I've ever come across that's for sure," she says softly

"She is, I don't know how I got so lucky to be able to love her" I smile through my endless tears

"We won't tell you what to do because it's not our place, but please be careful and think about this decision, because it's a big one" mothers just hugs me tighter as she speaks

I cry out all my fears, and shed every ounce of weakness I feel in this moment

"What if I'm not enough for Her?" I utter quietly

The silence of both my parents sets a wave of panic to course throughout my body, the sobs that rack my body grows more intense and painful,

"Aaron, why in the world would you think you're not enough?" father asks patting my shoulder

I shrug, my throat feeling dry from fear, "I'm a terrible person, and I'm always working... I just feel like she deserves more...she deserves the world, I'm not good enough for her" I whisper through a choked sob

"Aaron...why would you think of yourself that way? You're such a good man, we're proud to call you our son and that woman loves you...we see it in the way she treats you, the way she looks at you, and the way she shifts closer to you as if you're her safety and her home" my mother speaks with a quiver in her voice

"I'm so scared mom" I whisper clutching to my mother, scared for the future, terrified I won't get enough time with Vanessa, and scared my parents won't let me save my girl

"You do what you feel is the right son...I know you'll make the right decision, and we will support you with any decision you choose" father says quietly

I nod and hug my father, my parents sit with me letting me cry all my worries and unease away, I let them hold me in this moment of weakness and utter fear. I let them pick up the pieces of my broken self and mend them until I'm strong enough to fight for Vanessa and my future.

______________

"Your presence is irritating me right now...Leave" I spit out to the woman who came into my office to tell me about a client

"I have an assistant for this bullshit" I sneer

"She's not in her office...so I came to yours, I'm sorry" she clears her throat before running out of my office

Not in her office?

I have this weird gut feeling that I need to find her, so I stand up and walk into her office,

And just like the woman had told me, she is not in here

"Vanessa?" I call as I walk the Halls

I text her but no reply,

Call but once, again no reply,

I speed walk to my office and look at the security cameras,

The one in the hall that shows Vanessa's office door shows her leaving her office a shaking mess and making her way down to the bathrooms,

She doesn't come out after the footage rolls for almost an hour,

I run over to the bathrooms and make sure there's no other women inside before fully entering,

"Vanessa? You okay?" I ask gently

"Aaron?" I hear a muffled soft, voice croak out, a sniffle follows shortly before I hear a click from the stall and her walking right into my hold

"What's wrong beautiful?" I whisper into her hair

"I got another text" she whispers into my chest fear courses through her as she clutches onto my body,

I feel tense and at my reaction, Vanessa just holds tighter to me, I take her fully into my arms lift her, and walk to my office in quick strides,

Her legs wrap around my torso and her arms around my neck, she sighs between cries and leans fully into my touch, sniffing before laying her head down on my shoulder,

After I get into my office and lock the door I sit on my chair with her in my arms

"You're safe...I'm here okay? I'm holding you and I won't let anyone hurt you" I whisper into her ear

She trembles, physically petrified, her body continues to shake under my hold, her cries stop but her body is still frozen in fear.

"I'm here" I whisper once more

"You're here" she whisper back, her voice quiet and scared and it makes my heart ache,

"Can you show me the message?" I ask gently as I run my hand through her hair

She inhales a shaky breath in and reaches into her pocket and hands me the phone, mumbling a password

Unknown: what's the point of fighting in court if you'll die soon? Don't be cruel. just leave us alone, or else your heart isn't going to be the reason you die.

My jaw clenches as I read the threatening message, it makes me angered that I can't just choke the man to death without a sentence in prison...yet I find myself knowing I'd gladly take a prison sentence to see her ex and Wren rot a slow, painful death

"I'll figure all of this out okay? We're going to go to our place tonight and I'll hold you until you sleep, and massage your head making sure you feel relaxed, then when you wake up I'll have breakfast ready in bed for you, you'll eat and well go to my lawyer's office, then have your picnic in the park, that sound good?" I say all while stroking her hair slowly watching her trembles slowly stop and her breathing even out

"Would it be cheesy if I said you're my hero?" She whispers and sighs almost dreamily

I smile wide even though she can't see it "definitely cheesy..."

I feel her smile against my neck and it fills my heart with peace knowing I got some sort of happiness out of her in a rough situation

"I love you" she whispers

"And I love you" I smile into her hair

"Always?" Her voice trembles as she speaks quietly

"And forever" I nod as I hold her close

_______________

I sit on the bed after I wake up flipping through the albums I made as she sleeps by my side...clutching onto my arm, I look at all our memories, our journey, and adventures,

It's strange how fast your whole life can change, a singular moment can direct you in the opposite path you were originally walking down,

One single kiss and I was a goner.

But that's a lie...I was a goner the minute she smiled, her every touch, laugh, and grin consumes me whole until I am someone who is utterly consumed with the woman.

I quietly put the album into my nightstand, I made two of them one more personalize with notes and tickets and everything that I gave to Vanessa, and one with extra copies of pictures I could look through myself,

I kiss the side of her head and get up making sure to not wake her,

I cover the blanket over the top of her and put the frog stuffed animal that fell on the floor into her hold, she immediately clutches to it half asleep,

I smile taking a quick picture of her before I go and make her breakfast.

I wake up to the wonderful smell of waffles and fresh fruit,

I feel a warm breath along my jaw and a deep voice speaking making me shiver "wake up sunshine"

I smile, my eyes still closed as I blindly reach for Aaron, he complies and lets me pull him on top of me,

"I don't understand how you like me fully on you like this" he chuckles in my ear

"I mean I don't like you completely on top of me...because I like to breathe, but when you're halfway on me it makes me feel good, your like a hot weighted blanket or something, I'm not sure why" I whisper sleepily

"Cus you love me, and I make you feel safe" he smirks against my jaw

I smile opening my eyes "nailed it" I whisper

"Sit up a bit, I brought you some breakfast" he helps me sit up a little in bed and kisses my cheek

He brings the tray on the nightstand on my lap and I grin at the Belgium homemade waffles his mom taught him to make at a young age, some maple syrup and strawberries on the side, along with a small cup of coffee with a ton of whipped cream...just how I love it

"Thank you, you truly should think about changing careers to a chef" I grin

He hums and brings a stray piece of my hair behind my ear "I'd rather just be your personal chef, can't be giving an eyeful to everyone"

I blush looking down at the plate, he's not wrong, Aaron cooking shirtless is absolutely brain-melting and something only I want the pleasure of seeing

"Eat, and then we need to get to my lawyer's office" he runs his finger along my cheek gently

I nod "how much time do I have to get ready?...we didn't even get anything ready for the picnic!" I panic trying to rise from the bed but Aaron shakes his head putting his hands on my shoulders to stop me

"Stop worrying, we'll get sandwiches on the way to the park, and I have all the desserts and the drinks ready...with your cute little picnic basket you love so much" he smiles gently

I put my hand on his face bringing him close "how did I get so lucky with you?" I ask quietly shaking my head as I look into his eyes

His face breaks into an emotion that looks between some sort of relief but also hurt,

"I think I'm the one lucky...absolutely beyond lucky to get to have you in my life" he whispers gently

I tilt my head watching his face, something is weighing on him, he looks stressed and tired, and slightly worried

"You okay?" I ask

He stares at me for a moment, just looking over my features, he looks down and picks up a strawberry bringing it to my lips,

He parts my lips with the strawberry and I open willingly taking a bite out of it,

He watches me silently not wanting to talk about what's worrying, or bothering him,

I pick a strawberry up myself and bring it up to his lips with a soft smile, he sighs and opens his mouth a little,

I watch him chew and I put my coffee cup on my nightstand and the tray by my side on the bed and I climb onto Aaron's lap,

I cup his cheeks "you don't have to tell me what's wrong, you don't even have to talk right now, but I do hope you know I'm on your side...I'm forever going to be team Aaron, and I don't want you thinking you have to go through something alone"

"I made the mistake of keeping my heart failure away from you...and I understand if you feel like you don't want to tell me because I wasn't honest with you" I sigh dropping my hands from his face

"But Aaron I don't want to see you breaking in front of me...little by little and not know what to do and how to fix it, I want to be there for you, so you know you're not alone, that you have someone who loves and cares for you" I whispered

He cups my face pulling our faces close to one another

"I'm scared okay" he admits in a whisper

"I'm terrified that we're going to get to my lawyer's office and they won't be able to do anything to those assholes, I'm scared that I'm not good enough for you, that you feel like you're missing something in a relationship when you're with me" he whispers, his eyes water over and it makes me swallow hard suddenly feeling like the world is spinning to fast for me to comprehend

"Aaron...how could you ever think you weren't good enough for me? You're my...well you're my everything, I wouldn't smile and mean it, I wouldn't sleep peacefully at night feeling safe, or want to fight for a better healthy future if it wasn't for you" every word I speak is clear and true

It's in these moments that I truly realize that my heart failure doesn't only affect me...but those around me too.

I'm nervous to even tell Henry because I feel like he doesn't need the extra stress...and yet I know he deserves to know, he told me about his kidney and I need the courage to tell him about my heart.

I hold Aaron and let him fall asleep in my hold, I eat my breakfast quietly and let him rest, I can tell the stress is getting to him because usually, he gets a night of full rest,

But now he's been barely getting four hours asleep a day, kind of like me.

____________

"We have a lot of evidence against them... and they really messed up with this text, they deliberately threatened you...so that's going to help us in court" Aaron's lawyer and now mine as well speaks to us

Aaron holds my hand, rubbing his thumb along my fingers in a calming gesture that somehow lessens my worries,

"I want you both to just relax and not worry about any of the legal processes because that's what I'm here for," the lawyer continues to speak

We sit in there for over an hour discussing all the legal actions we can take, ultimately we choose to try to fight in court to make sure they get thrown in jail.

____________

The birds chirp up in the trees, the wind is flowing through my hair and even though it's getting slightly warmer, Aaron still brought a blanket because he read that patients with heart failure should stay warm, but he also got worried and told me to take the blanket off if I get hot because to much heat isn't good for the heart either,

I kissed him and told him to stop worrying and that if anything I'll tell him.

I used to be able to eat a whole twelve-inch sandwich in one sitting, but as my heart condition worsens so does my appetite,

I only manage to eat half of it and a chocolate-covered strawberry before I can't anymore,

Aaron sits against a tree and my back rests on his chest, his arms are wrapped around my waist keeping me close as we take in the fresh air and all the memories everyone is making outside around us today,

I watch a few children in the distance play tag and giggle as they chase each other, it hurts to know I most likely won't ever be able to have kids because I won't live to that period,

But also I don't think I'd be able to stomach the thought of having a child and also has to go through heart failure because of me.

My mother had me before she knew about her heart failure so it wasn't her fault,

But I can make sure that I don't give a child the stress of that kind of future if I make it out of this alive, though it breaks my heart to think of having no children.

Aaron and I continue to talk and he holds me, we pretend at this moment...

We sit and pretend,

That everything will be okay.

-----notes-----

Yet another early upload!

And also another Longer chapter today♡

Vote and comment!

Word count: 4191