Chapter 19 - Cutting Without a Knife

Robert was lying in his bed with the crook of his arm over his eyes. It was Saturday morning, the beginning of another endless weekend with hours to be filled before he could go back to work again. He was just trying to think of what he might do when his mobile started vibrating. He reached over to his bedside table to get it and looked at the display.

Shit. He couldn’t believe it was her again.

Why the hell couldn’t she leave him alone? She’d just called two fucking days ago. Every damn time she contacted him, he was left dealing with all the feelings she’d stirred up. And just when he’d gotten over it, she’d fucking call him or e-mail him again. How the hell was he supposed to forget about her if she kept at him like this?

He wouldn’t answer it, he thought angrily. She could fucking call all she wanted, he just wouldn’t pick up. And when he got up, he would delete her fucking e-mails and the picture as well.

His mobile stopped vibrating and he breathed a sigh of relief. He knew it wasn’t over but at least he had a moment of peace. Sure enough, a few minutes later, it started vibrating again. He didn’t bother to check the display.

As it continued to vibrate in his hand, it almost felt like it was her hand shaking his, trying to get him to pay attention to her. Mercifully, it stopped. Then a few minutes later it started up again and he couldn’t fucking take it anymore.

“What!” he shouted when he answered it.

“Oh,” she said, sounding a little surprised, then said, “Hi, Robert. It’s me, Georgie.” As soon as he heard her familiar soft voice, the anger drained out of him, and he could feel desolation taking its place.

“Yeah,” was all he could manage. There was a pause.

“How are you?”

“Alright,” he said with a sigh, and laid the crook of his arm over his eyes.

“Good. I’m glad.” There was a much longer pause. He could swear he heard her breathing on the other end of the line.

“I’m calling because I need to ask you – I mean, I wanted to ask –,” she said hesitantly, her voice suddenly higher and shaky. He waited through a pause before she started again.

“I’ve been thinking a lot, you know? And I –.” He heard her sigh deeply when she stopped.

“I just wanted to ask you –,” she started shakily again, and then there was another pause.

“This is harder than I thought it would be,” he heard her say quietly to herself.

As he waited through another pause, he thought it would be almost funny, if he didn’t feel like he was dying every time he heard her soft voice. He wished she’d just hurry up and say whatever it was she was going to say. The sooner she did, the sooner the call would end, and the sooner he’d stop feeling like he was being tortured.

“I-want-you-to-come-to-Chicago,” she said quickly as if it was all one word. It was so quick, he wasn’t sure he heard right.

“What?” he asked, taking his arm off his eyes.

“I want you to come to Chicago,” she said more slowly with her voice shaking and breathy as if she’d just been running.

He sat up in his bed, hardly able to believe what he’d just heard. What the hell? Was she fucking joking? He didn’t even have to think about it.

“No.”

“Uh – what?” she said, actually sounding surprised, and he could feel the anger boiling up.

“I said ‘No’,” he said firmly. There was a pause.

“Oh,” she said quietly, drawing it out as if she just realized something. “Maybe I wasn’t clear,” she said shakily. “I want you to come live with me – here – in Chicago.”

“And maybe I wasn’t clear! I said ‘No!’” he said loudly. He was sitting on the edge of his bed now.

“Why?” she asked in a small voice. He could tell she was close to tears if she wasn’t crying already, but he didn’t fucking care. The fact that she didn’t understand what should be obvious made the anger boil over.

“Why? Because you fucking left me, that’s why!” he shouted.

“But I told you when I left I just –.” He couldn’t fucking believe she was going to make him go through all that shit again.

“And you also said you didn’t want me to come with you!” he shouted interrupting her. “You told me you didn’t want me! You fucking stabbed me in the back! And then you left me! So, No! I am not coming to fucking Chicago to fucking live with you, Georgie!” He was now standing in the middle of his bedroom with no knowledge of how he got there, his body shaking with rage. He could hear her sobbing into the phone.

“But – I love you, Robert,” she sobbed. “I never stopped loving you. I told you that.”

“Right! Did you think maybe I’d have a hard time believing you after you fucking left me?” he shouted.

“Please, Robert!” she sobbed. “I want to be with you!”

“Maybe you should’ve thought of that before you left me!”

“Please, Robert! Don’t say that!” she cried.

He didn’t know what to think or say anymore. His mind was reeling as the enormity of what was happening was starting to hit him. He ended the call just as he heard her cry, “Please,” one last time and threw his mobile as hard as he could in his closet, as if that would make her voice leave his head. But he knew he hadn’t been quick enough. Something terrible was coming for him and he had to get the hell out of there.

He didn’t waste any time, pulling on the clothes that were lying on the floor next to his bed, not caring they were his work clothes and covered in paint. He put on his converse trainers, ran down the stairs and was out the door in a matter of seconds, not bothering with a jacket or saying goodbye to his parents in the kitchen.

The air was chilly but he didn’t care as he started running down the street, flat out as fast as he could. He didn’t stop until he couldn’t get enough air in his lungs to keep going. But even then he pushed himself, walking as he wheezed and coughed, his lungs burning.

He put one foot in front of the other, half running, half walking, looking at the ground, not paying any attention to where he was going, desperately fighting off the heavy bleakness that was threatening to overwhelm him, trying not to feel the crushing pain in his chest, or think about what she’d just said to him.

---Then---

Robert brought Georgie into their room and closed the door behind them.

“I want you to sit down, Georgie. I have something important I need to talk to you about,” he said, leading her to the bed.

“Okay,” she said, leaning against the headboard and grabbing a pillow to hug.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about this and I think there’s something we should do. I think we should go to a health clinic and have some tests taken.”

“What kind of tests?” she asked, suddenly wary, her body tensing.

“It’s nothing to worry about,” he said quickly. “A lot of couples go to get tested when they’re in a relationship with someone they care about. They get tested to make sure they don’t have any diseases –.” And then he had to stop to take a breath, afraid of what her reaction was going to be to what was coming next.

“Because you can give them to each other when you have sex,” he finished quickly. He was dismayed when she suddenly looked alarmed.

“Do you think I have diseases?” she asked loudly, her eyes wide.

“No! No, Georgie!” he replied quickly but firmly, moving closer to her and taking her hand. “I definitely don’t think you have any diseases. Like I said, a lot of couples do this. I just want for us to be sure. I mean, I’d hate to find out later on that I had something and gave it to you, yeah? I love you. This is just so I make sure you’re safe.”

“I want to make sure you’re safe too, Robert! I don’t want to give you any diseases!” she cried.

“That’s right, we both want to be sure. And if by any chance we do have something, the doctors can give us medicine to make us better, so I don’t want you to worry about this, alright?” he said, hoping like hell neither of them had HIV.

“Okay, Robert,” she said, sounding relieved, and leaning back against the headboard.

“I’ll make the appointment with the clinic and we’ll go get the tests, yeah?”

“Okay.”

He pulled the pillow out of her arms so he could give her a tight hug, a feeling of relief washing over him. This had been loads easier than he’d thought it would be. He was glad he’d waited. She’d taken the news as well as he could’ve hoped for. They’d get the tests done and hopefully they’d both be healthy. Then they could finally put the past behind them, no longer living with what that fucking bastard had done to her hanging over their heads. They’d finally be free to move on.

Robert made appointments for the two of them at the local health clinic that day. The earliest he could get them in was two days later. He was relieved on the day of the tests that Georgie was completely relaxed when it was time to go. As they climbed in the car, she was chatting happily and he thought it was good sign, especially because he was nervous as hell and sick with worry.

When they arrived at the clinic, they checked in at the front desk and each got a form to fill out. The waiting room was full, but they found two seats together and Robert started filling out his form.

There were a few women there with toddlers and one with a newborn baby. Instead of filling out her form, Georgie was immediately drawn to the newborn. She’d never gotten over her sense of wonder and fascination with babies and children.

“You’re baby is so beautiful,” she said to the young mother. “Is it a boy or a girl?”

The mother smiled, and said, “It’s a girl.”

“What’s her name?”

“Lily”

“Oh, that’s such a pretty name!” Georgie exclaimed.

At this point, Robert knew she’d spend all day talking to the mother if she could. He pulled on her arm to get her attention. “Georgie, you need to fill out your form,” he said when she turned to him.

“Oh, right. Okay,” she said, looking down at the clipboard in her hands, but within seconds, her eyes were on the sleeping newborn again.

“How old is Lily,” she asked the mother.

“Fourteen days,” the mother said, looking at the baby with pride.

“Oh, just two weeks! She’s so little!”

At that point, Robert gave up and just started telling her what to put in the boxes but she could barely write anything down because she was so busy watching the baby. Soon the mother was called by a nurse but Georgie was still distracted, watching the toddlers playing together.

When they were finished filling out their forms, they sat quietly, holding hands while Georgie continued watching the toddlers. At one point, she looked at him smiling and he smiled back, grateful she was calm and relaxed, and didn’t seem to notice how nervous he was.

When a nurse came into the waiting room and said, “Georgia Russo,” Georgie seemed startled, suddenly turning to Robert.

“I don’t have to go by myself, do I?” she whispered, her eyes wide.

“I, uh, dunno,” he said hesitantly. He hadn’t thought about whether they would go together or not.

“Georgia Russo!” the nurse called out.

“I don’t want to go by myself!” Georgie said loudly, looking alarmed. People seated close to them looked over. Seeing the look on her face made him even more nervous. He couldn’t afford for her to have a meltdown here, they needed those fucking tests.

“It’s alright, Georgie,” he said soothingly, willing her to stay calm. “We’ll go together, yeah? I’m sure they won’t mind.” He stood up and took her hand. As he led her to the nurse, he desperately tried to think of what he would do if they refused to allow him to go with her. When they reached her, Georgie stood almost completely behind him, as if she was trying to hide.

“This is Georgia Russo. I’m her boyfriend, Robert Bennett. I have an appointment as well. We’d like to go together.”

The nurse was young, probably in her late twenties with a kind face. Sensing Georgie’s nervousness, she smiled and said, “That won’t be a problem. Why don’t you follow me?” He breathed a sigh of relief.

She took them to a consultation room and they sat in two chairs next to her desk with Robert seated a little behind Georgie. He took her hand and held it in his.

The nurse smiled at them, saying, “I’ll just take a quick look at your forms, if you’ll give me a moment.” While she looked at them, Georgie turned and smiled at Robert. He gave her hand a quick squeeze as he smiled back, relieved she seemed better now.

The nurse spoke, getting their attention. “I see from what you’ve written here you don’t have any symptoms, but you’re interested in getting tested for – it looks like – everything,” she said looking over their forms again.

“I’ll ask some questions about your history to help determine which tests are appropriate for both of you. But first, can you tell me why you decided to come in?”

Robert spoke right away. “We’ve been, uh – dating for about four months – or so – and we’ve been sexually active for around three months. We decided we should get tested – so we can be sure we’re healthy.” He couldn’t see Georgie’s face but she didn’t seem to react to his revision of their history.

“I’m glad you both decided to come in,” the nurse said smiling at them. “We like to see young people taking the initiative and making sure they’re protecting their partners. Have you been using condoms every time you’ve had sex?”

“Uh, no,” he said, feeling instantly uncomfortable. He knew it was the wrong answer.

“I see,” she said. “Was there a particular reason why you weren’t using them?”

“Uh, well – they weren’t available,” he said truthfully.

“Are you aware you can get them for free here at the clinic? Because we strongly suggest condoms are used each time you have sex to make sure both of you are safe and don’t pass diseases to each other,” she finished gently.

“I know that now,” he said glumly, seething on the inside. It was the fucking bastard’s fault he hadn’t used them for the first time ever.

“Are you using other methods of birth control?”

“Yes, Georgie is taking the pill.”

The nurse turned her attention to Georgie and smiled at her in a warm way. “Do you prefer to be called Georgie?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Georgie answered.

The nurse looked startled by her accent and Robert spoke up right away. “Georgie is a citizen but she grew up in the States.” He was almost certain the clinic was free to anyone, but he didn’t want to take a chance they’d deny her the tests if they thought she was an American.

“Do you mind if I start by asking you a few questions?” she asked Georgie gently with a smile.

“No ma’am.”

“I know that some of the questions might be embarrassing or difficult to answer but I want you to know the answers you give me will be strictly confidential. No one will know what you’ve told me – except Robert. Is that alright? Or would you prefer he leave?”

Georgie suddenly sat up straighter, saying loudly, “I don’t want Robert to leave!” and her grip on his hand was tighter.

“It’s quite alright. He can stay,” the nurse said in a soothing voice, and Georgie relaxed.

“I just want you to know that as you answer the questions, it’s important you answer truthfully so I have an accurate picture of your history and make sure you receive the right tests. Alright?” she finished smiling.

“Yes, ma’am. I understand.”

“Now other than Robert, have you had any other sexual partners in the last twelve months?” she asked gently.

Robert wasn’t aware if the nurse noticed Georgie’s reaction, but he could tell her body became tense, and her hand was suddenly squeezing his like a vice.

“Um,” Georgie said, and then swallowed loudly.

That was the moment Robert realized just how badly he’d fucked up.

---Now---

When Robert had run himself into exhaustion, he slowly walked the way back to his house, still reeling from what had happened. The entire conversation he’d had with her ran through his mind over and over. He remembered how incredibly angry he’d become and the things he’d said to her. Half way home he stopped walking, suddenly feeling sick.

What the hell had he just done?

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So what do you think of Robert's behavior in this chapter?  And what about that call from Georgie?

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