Chapter 23 - A Certain Finality

Darrell and Robert spent the rest of the day at the car boot sale wandering up and down the aisles of cars looking at all the things for sale. Robert didn’t buy anything else since he’d already spent more than he should on his motorcycle jacket but Darrell did well, finding a nearly new pair of work boots and a few tools for a good price. By late afternoon, they were ready to head home.

Once they were back in the car, Robert’s dark thoughts returned and desolation overwhelmed him again. As he remembered the weekend they celebrated Georgie’s birthday, he couldn’t help wishing bitterly he’d never taken her to Dover. If they’d spent her birthday in Bath like he’d originally planned she’d still be with him.

Or perhaps not, he thought grimly as he considered it more. They were going to find out eventually, weren’t they? There was no way something like that was going to stay hidden forever. And when it did, wouldn’t it shatter their relationship like it had that weekend? Wasn’t it really just a matter of time?

Time, Robert thought bitterly. He thought he had all the time in the world, time to work with her and help her overcome her fears, time to help her adjust to her new life, and then the rest of their lives to spend together. But now he could see his time with her was limited, he just didn’t know it. The clock started ticking the moment the bastard released them – and Dover was when his time ran out.

“D’you still not want to talk about it, Robbie?” Darrell asked quietly, interrupting his thoughts.

Robert sighed deeply. Darrell had cut short his weekend with Betsy, and not for the first time, so Robert wouldn’t be left alone to deal with the pain and desolation of her leaving. It was the only time they got to see each other since they were both busy during the week in separate cities. Robert owed it to him to at least tell him what had happened.

“Georgie called me yesterday morning,” he said quietly as he kept his eyes on the road ahead. There was a pause, and he could tell Darrell was surprised. Of course he’d never let on to anyone she’d been in contact with him, at least not until his mum saw her picture.

“Oh?” Darrell said finally.

“Yeah. She, uh, asked me to come to Chicago – to live with her,” he said even more quietly, his chest aching. Darrell didn’t say anything, but Robert knew this surprised him as well.

After a few minutes, Darrell asked, “What did you say?”

“I said ‘No”,” he said, looking out the window so Darrell couldn’t see his face, shame burning through him again as he remembered how cruel he was to her.

“Oh,” Darrell said quietly. There were several minutes of silence, and then he asked, “Don’t you want to be with her, Robbie?” Robert sighed again.

“I dunno, Darrell. I just – don’t know,” he said quietly, and then cleared his throat against the tightening.

“I’m – shocked,” Darrell said hesitantly. “I mean, when she left, you were absolutely gutted. I would’ve thought you’d be anxious to get back with her again.”

“I know, but it’s – complicated,” Robert said quietly, as he kept his face turned towards the window.

---Then---

Robert’s body tensed immediately hearing the man speak French and he could tell Georgie’s did too. She looked like she was frozen, looking straight ahead at Darrell.

As far as Robert was concerned, there was only one explanation for some fucking French wanker to know her. He looked up at him, trying to figure out if this was one of the men who’d raped her in that room.

He was young but older than they were, perhaps in his mid twenties. His hair was styled and he was dressed well in a casual way, wearing expensive jeans and a polo shirt. He was looking at Georgie like he was excited to see her, but nervous. Robert got the distinct impression he didn’t know her.

He began speaking apologetically to her in rapid French while smiling but she didn’t move. When he stopped speaking, he looked at her expectantly. She spoke a few words quietly back to him, not looking at him, but Robert knew she’d said ‘No’ at least twice. He looked confused, looking to the rest of them as if they could confirm or deny what she’d said.

Then he spoke to her again, and at the end of what he said, he touched his hair and then pointed at her. Georgie looked up at him suddenly. Robert couldn’t see her face but Darrell could, and judging from his darkening expression, her reaction wasn’t good.

Then without any warning, she jumped out of her chair, knocking it over and ran out of the café. Robert jumped up to follow her, hearing Darrell shout behind him, “What the hell did you just say to her!” He didn’t hear if the bloke responded before he was out the door.

Once he was outside, he looked around but didn’t see her. He was immediately alarmed, knowing how frightened she’d be once she stopped running in a panic and realize she was alone. He had a hunch and went behind the café where he was relieved to see her at the far end of the car park. She was already at the car, desperately trying to get into it but the doors were locked. He ran over to her.

“Georgie, what’s wrong? What did he say to you?” he said loudly. She looked panicked.

“He said he knew me!” she cried. “He called me a by a different name but he said he knew me!” Robert was immediately filled with an intense rage.

“Do you know that fucking wanker?” he shouted. “Did he hurt you?” Maybe he was one of the men who’d raped her. And if she confirmed it, Robert was going back in the café and kill him.

“No!” she cried desperately. “He said he knew me from the internet! How can he know from the internet, Robert? I’m not on the internet!” Robert suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe as his whole body went cold.

“He said he recognized me! He said he knew me from my hair! How can he recognize me, Robert? How can he?” she cried louder, searching his eyes.

He stared at her with horror, unable to speak as images of what he’d done with her while being filmed filled his mind. Was he on the internet too? Then her hand covered her mouth and her eyes got wide.

“You know,” she said in an ominously hushed voice. “I can tell you know. Tell me!” she cried out. “How can he know me?”

He didn’t want to say it. He couldn’t do that to her, he thought desperately. He couldn’t put that thought in her head. What if he was wrong?

“I don’t know, Georgie! I don’t know!” he shouted emphatically, but it was the wrong thing to say. Her mouth opened in shock, and then her face fell as she suddenly looked devastated. She was looking at him the exact same way she had after they’d come home from the clinic, like she didn’t know him anymore.

“I can’t believe it. You’re lying to me,” she said faintly as tears welled up in her eyes. “I can’t believe you’re doing it again after you promised me.” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked at him with that scorching gaze.

“You’re a liar, Robert!” she shouted as she glared at him through her tears, the words cutting him and making him wince. “I know what you think! You think I’m stupid! You think I’m too dumb to know when you’re lying to me!”

“I’m not lying, Georgie! I’m not!” he shouted desperately. “It’s just – I don’t know for sure,” he pleaded.

“You don’t know what for sure, Robert!” she spat at him.

“I think – I think he might have – put the tapes – on the internet,” he said haltingly

“He who? What tapes? What the hell are talking about?” she shouted angrily.

“The films, Georgie! The films he made – of –.” He didn’t continue because he didn’t need to. He saw the realization come in her eyes as her hand covered her mouth again. Her eyes were filled with horror and pain.

He was ready for her to lose control and shout at him, begin screaming in agony, or perhaps run away like she just had from the café. But he was completely unprepared for what came next. That’s why when her eyes rolled back in her head and she sank down as if her legs had been cut out from under her, he only just caught her before she fell face first into the gravel in a dead faint.

Betsy and Darrell had just come round the corner to the car park and started running when they saw him holding her. Betsy’s eyes were wide with fear as she cried out, “Bloody hell, Robbie! What happened?”

“Darrell!” Robert shouted, and he immediately helped hold Georgie so Robert could pick her up to carry her to the car. Darrell unlocked and opened the rear doors and then helped Robert lay her across the back seat. She was frighteningly pale, white as sheet, and completely limp.

“Betsy, can you get –,” he started.

“I’m on it!” she shouted and ran back to the café, hopefully for something to use as a compress.

Darrell picked up Georgie’s legs and held them against his side, trying to make the blood flow back to her brain. Robert knelt next to her head, and rubbed her temples, but he didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. How the hell do you get someone to come out of a faint? Her skin was cold and clammy under his fingers, scaring him even more.

“Fucking wanker didn’t speak much English,” Darrell muttered darkly to him. “I warned him never to speak to her again unless he fancied having all his teeth knocked out.”

Robert nodded, unable to say anything as he looked at Georgie, feeling utterly desolate. This was going to devastate her. If the bastard put the films he’d made of her on the internet, and Robert had no doubt he had, they were all over the world. There was nowhere she would be safe from wankers who’d got off watching them approaching her like this. How the hell do you recover from something like that? Knowing sick wankers were watching you, knowing you could be anywhere when they approached you. And he was utterly powerless to do anything about it.

Betsy returned with a wad of wet paper and Robert moved out of the way. She knelt down and put it on Georgie’s forehead. Georgie flinched when she felt it touch her and whimpered. Robert felt a small bit of relief she was showing signs of coming to.

“There, there,” Betsy said soothingly. “You’re alright, Georgie. You’re going to be just fine.” Georgie started moving her head back and forth as she continued to whimper.

“Hold still, Georgie. I know it’s cold but it’ll help you feel better,” Betsy said.

She wasn’t moving her head because it was too cold, Robert thought grimly. She was shaking her head ‘No’. She was saying she wasn’t alright. She was saying she wasn’t going to be just fine. How the hell was he supposed to fix her now? After everything they’d gone through already, this was too much. He didn’t fucking want this.

Her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at him with confusion, the blue in her eyes darker. Then she looked at Betsy and down at Darrell who was still holding her legs. “What?” she said faintly, as she pulled her legs out of Darrell’s arm and tried to get up. All three of them shouted, ‘No!’ at the same time and Betsy put her hands on her shoulders, trying to keep her from getting up.

“Georgie, you have to stay down or your just going to faint again!” she said loudly.

Georgie gave in and laid back on the seat, putting the crook of her arm over her eyes. Then she burst into tears. While Robert watched her cry, he was filled with despair as he felt all his dreams for their future slipping away. The enormity of what he was facing overwhelmed him – he had no idea what he was supposed to do.

After a minute, he sighed deeply, and said tiredly to Betsy and Darrell, “I’ve got this. Why don’t you two go for a walk? Give us some time, yeah?”

“Are you sure, Robbie?” Betsy asked, looking up at him like she couldn’t believe he wanted them to leave, but Darrell went to her and helped her up, saying quietly, “C’mon Bets. Let’s go.”

While Georgie laid there crying, Robert steeled himself, trying to push away the despair. This was far worse than anything they’d ever faced, and if they had any hope of getting through it, he had to be strong, strong enough for both of them.

“Georgie, please don’t cry,” he said gently, kneeling down and rubbing her arm to console her.

After a few minutes, she wiped her face with the wet wad of paper as she sat up and he sat down next to her on the seat. They were both quiet while she picked at the paper in her hand. He tried to think of something to say, something that would make her feel better, something that would make having tapes of her being raped on the internet not horrible. He came up with nothing.

“I just can’t do this anymore, Robert,” she said quietly, her voice filled with pain while she continued to pick at the wadded up paper in her hands.

“I know,” he said quietly. He knew exactly how she felt.

“It’s just too hard.”

“I know.”

“And you don’t deserve this,” she continued as he looked at her with surprise. “It’s not fair to you.”

“Georgie, I don’t care about that!” he said emphatically. To his shock, she suddenly glared at him.

“You’re going to sit there and tell me you honestly don’t care about this! That it doesn’t matter to you?” she said angrily, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Yeah, I am!” he said loudly, instantly feeling angry.

“Okay, whatever,” she muttered angrily, as she looked away from him, wiping the tears off her face with the wet paper.

He wanted to shout at her, to say he could give a fuck if there were tapes of her on the internet, but he forced himself to stay quiet. Now wasn’t the time to get into it with her. It was obvious she was too upset to believe him no matter what he said. They could sort this out later, when she was calmer and able to listen.

“I’m sorry our holiday is ruined,” she said sadly, after a few minutes.

“Our holiday is not –.”

“Robert!” she shouted, glaring at him again. Then she looked away, took a deep breath and blew it out, making an effort to get under control before she looked back at him. “You know it would really just be better if you didn’t talk at all, if you can’t tell me the truth!” He felt ashamed. It was a lie.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. They sat in silence for a few minutes and then he saw Betsy and Darrell come into view, returning from their walk.

“Do they know about the films?” Georgie asked plaintively, as if it had just occurred to her.

“No.”

She slumped, and said, “Well, at least that’s something to be grateful for,” with a sad, bitter edge to her voice.

As Robert watched Betsy and Darrell walk towards the car hand in hand, completely focused on each other while they talked, he couldn’t help the feeling of jealousy that rose up in him. What he wouldn’t give for him and Georgie to be like that, a normal ordinary couple with normal ordinary problems. Then he heard Georgie mutter so quietly he could barely hear her, “They’re so lucky,” and it made him feel even more desolate.

“At least, I can keep their holiday from being ruined,” Georgie muttered, as she started to climb out of the car.

Before she stood up, she looked over at him. When he looked at her, her vivid blue eyes were filled with pain and sadness – and defeat. She looked utterly broken. It hurt too much and he had to look away.

As soon as Betsy saw Georgie stand up, she let go of Darrell’s hand and ran up to the car, crying “Georgie, what are you doing?”

“I’m okay, Betsy. Really,” Georgie said. Robert noticed she was using her unnatural voice, the one she used when she was trying to pretend everything was alright. Hearing it made him feel even worse.

“Did you guys have a nice walk?” Georgie asked, and Robert sighed while he got out of the car.

He met Darrell’s eyes as Betsy said, “It’s so pretty down that way. You wouldn’t believe how many wildflowers there are.” The way Darrell was looking at him let him know nothing would be said about what had happened.

“Well, I think it’s time to be off! What d’you say?” Robert said as brightly as he could manage.

---Now---

They’d been driving for a while in silence when Darrell said, “I know things were complicated between the two of you, Robbie. More complicated than you’ve let on, but –,” he stopped for a moment and Robert knew he was searching for the right words. “I guess – I’d just – hate to see you make a mistake, is all.”

“Yeah, I know,” Robert said quietly to the window.

Darrell didn’t say anything more, but he didn’t need to. Robert knew he’d reached the point when he had to make a decision. Was he going to get back together with Georgie, or carry on without her?

If he did choose to be with her, he’d have to move to Chicago. He’d already finished applying to universities here. If he moved to the States, he’d have to go through the whole process all over again. There’d be no way he’d be attending this year. It would mean being a whole year older before he’d be able to start university and a whole year older before he could settle into a career. He was already a year older than beginning university students. Did he want to delay it another year?

What if being with him was what made it too difficult for Georgie to cope? Wasn’t she making tremendous strides in getting better since she’d left him? What if he went to live with her and it brought back all the painful memories of her past? There was no guarantee she wouldn’t fall apart on him all over again. He remembered what it was like having to deal with all the chaos her problems caused, constantly trying to keep them moving forward, having to be strong enough for both of them as they took hit after hit. It was exhausting living like that.

And if she did start having problems again, how hard would it be for her to decide it was all too much and leave him again? Not bloody hard at all, he thought grimly. She’d already been prepared to leave him twice. Did he really want to take a chance on having it happen again, having to go through all that pain again? He nearly didn’t survive it the first time round. And he’d be stuck, living in the States with no support system, no family or mates to help him. It would mean another tremendous upheaval in his life to move back home if he didn’t want to face it all alone.

But could he let Georgie go? Could he really carry on, knowing he’d never see her again, knowing she’d never be a part of his life again? The thought filled him with despair, but if he was honest with himself, he’d already started moving on without her. Even though it was still a struggle, he was doing loads better than when she’d first left him two months ago. And even though she’d asked him to come back, she’d begun the process of moving on without him as well.

Getting back together with Georgie wouldn’t be moving forward, it would be going backwards. He’d be undoing months of progress, with a likely chance of having it all fall apart on him again. He couldn’t bear the thought of going back to the beginning and going through all of it all over again. No, it was better this way, he decided finally. They should both continue the process of letting go. They could forget the painful memories of what had been done to them, continue to heal, each in their own way, and move on with their lives.

When Darrell dropped Robert off at his house, they didn’t say much. Robert thanked him and he could tell Darrell understood how grateful he was for all he’d done for him. He walked into a quiet house and found a note in the kitchen from his parents telling him they’d gone out for the evening. He was glad and made a sandwich to take up to his room.

When he sat on his bed, he wasn’t hungry but he forced himself to eat. He knew if he didn’t, it would be difficult for him at work tomorrow. And he wanted to make sure he finished the sandwich before he looked to see if there was a reply from her.

When he opened his web browser, he wasn’t surprised to see an e-mail waiting for him. He sighed deeply and clicked on it. It was even shorter than the one he’d sent to her.

Dear Robert,

I understand and I forgive you.

I’m sorry too.

Georgie

Well, that was it, wasn’t it? There was no mistaking it had a certain finality to it. It was clear she’d conceded as well. It truly was the end. Even though he’d already resigned himself to it, he still felt desolate. He closed his laptop and set it on the floor, then laid back on his bed, putting the crook of his arm over his eyes while the reality of it sunk in.

As he remembered everything that had happened between him and Georgie over the past six months, he thought maybe the lesson he needed to take away from it was that sometimes love just wasn’t enough, sometimes two people just weren’t meant to be together no matter how much they might wish it, sometimes the problems a couple faced were too big to overcome. Because no matter how much he’d loved Georgie, how hard he’d fought to save her life and have her be with him forever, in the end he’d still lost her.

He was grateful the weekend was over and he’d be going back to work in the morning. And tomorrow was Monday. He had the whole week to recover before the next weekend came. He rolled over and pulled his bedcovers over his head, trying to ignore the desolation and the terrible ache in his chest. He concentrated on his breathing and tried to turn off his mind so he could go somewhere else.

****

This chapter was not an easy one to write for a lot of reasons. From the very beginning I knew Georgie would have a difficult time adjusting to her new life, and Robert would have a difficult time adjusting to her. I think neither of them were very well equipped to deal with the challenges they faced and it was inevitable they would collapse when the pressure became to great. Is this the end for Robert and Georgie? Read on to find out.

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