Chapter 40 - A Thousand Words

As soon as Robert had the door to his hotel room closed, he dropped his arm from around Georgie’s waist.  While he watched her wipe her face with her hands, there was loud laughter muffled through the door as the four blokes walked down the hall.  He knew it wasn’t a good idea to let her come in his room, but he wasn’t about to leave her out there in the hallway to face those smirking wankers when she was so vulnerable.

She looked up at him with sad eyes.  “Thank you, Robert,” she whispered.

“It’s – alright,” he said, and walked away from her to the bed closest to the window.  He sat with his back to her and leaned over, putting his head in his hands, feeling awful.

Now that she was alone with him, he had a feeling he knew what she was going to talk about, and he didn’t want to have that conversation.  How was he going to keep from hurting her?  Even if he admitted the truth, that he hoped they could be together in the future, there was no way it wasn’t going to feel like a rejection to her.  But it would be far more cruel to tell her there was no chance.  He had a horrible feeling that whatever he said was going to crush her.

He kept his eyes closed, wanting to put off the moment he’d have to talk to her for as long as possible, but it was so quiet he could hear her approach him.  She stood close enough he could hear her breathing while he waited.

“Robert, I –,” she started out hoarsely, then stopped and cleared her throat.  “I want us to be together again.”  His heart sank.

“Please, Georgie.  Don’t do this, alright?” he begged her quietly.

“But I love you.  I love you so much,” she said, her voice filled with pain.

“I – know that,” he managed to choke out, his chest aching unbearably.

“So – can we – be together?” she asked hesitantly, her voice shaky.

“I – just don’t think it’s a good idea right now, alright?  I –.”

“No!  Please, Robert!” she cried out, making his heart break even more.  He hated this.

“I’m sorry.  Maybe when you –.”

“Why?” she asked desperately.

“Because I can’t take the chance you’ll reject me again, that’s why!” he said more forcefully than he’d intended, quickly wiping the tears that had leaked out of his eyes.

“I know I made the wrong decision!” she cried.  “I promise I’ll never do it again!”

“You did it last week!” he said, looking at her with astonishment.  There was a moment of silence while she looked startled.

“What?” she asked.

“Last week, Georgie!  On the train!”

“The train?” she asked faintly.  Then he saw recognition in her eyes.  “You mean when I got mad on the train?”

“Yes,” he said, putting his head in his hands again.

“But Robert, I thought you understood – I was mad at me – not you.”  He looked up at her.  “I wanted to show you how much better I was doing – and then I got scared.  I was angry because – because I felt like a failure.  I don’t want you to have to take care of me – but instead –.”  She didn’t finish, sounding defeated.

He felt terrible.  She’d tried to tell him that night, but he’d assumed he knew why and hadn’t let her.

“I’m sorry about the misunderstanding,” he said quietly.  “I didn’t realize, but – I still don’t think we should –.”

“Robert, please!” she pleaded as she started crying again.  “Can’t you see how –!”

“Georgie, stop!” he said loudly, desperate for her to listen.  “It’s not going to work, alright?  Not now.  You’re not ready yet and I can’t take that chance!  D’you understand?  I can’t take that chance!”  He was shouting now, unable to keep the words from spilling out.  “You have no idea what you did to me when you left!  You fucking hurt me!  You laid in bed for two weeks?  I laid in bed for three!  And it took me weeks to climb out of that hole!  I can’t go through that kind of pain again!  I won’t!” he finished firmly.  She looked at him with wide eyes, her mouth open in shock, and then her face fell.

“You don’t trust me anymore,” she said in a small voice.  “You don’t trust me because I hurt you.”  She staggered over to the edge of the bed and slumped a few feet from him, her shoulders hunched in defeat.

In the sudden silence, Robert realized with horror what he’d just blurted out.  He didn’t want to be lashing out at her like that.  This was not what he wanted their relationship to be, the two of them full of bitterness and anger, throwing the past at each other.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you, Robert,” Georgie said sadly as the tears spilled over, and she quickly wiped them away.  “I wish – I wish I hadn’t left you.  It’s just – I didn’t know what else to do.  I just – couldn’t live with it anymore.” It was learning about the fucking bastard’s tapes, he thought bitterly.  He’d wanted to destroy their future and tear them apart and in the end, he’d managed to do it.

“I just couldn’t live with – you being so disappointed with me all the time.”  Robert looked over at her.  “Every time I made a mistake – or something happened – I felt so stupid.  But seeing how disappointed you were made everything ten times worse.  That day in Dover – I could see it in your eyes.  I could see how disappointed you were and – I felt like – I just couldn’t do it anymore.  It was just too hard to keep living like that.”

“Georgie, I wasn’t disappointed with you!” he said loudly when he was able to overcome his shock.

“What?” she asked, looking up at him and wiping her eyes.

“I wasn’t disappointed with you,” he said emphatically while she looked at him with her mouth open a little.

“I can’t believe it,” she said faintly.  “I can’t believe you’re doing it again.  You’re still going to lie to me about this?  I know what I saw, Robert!” she shouted suddenly, her words shocking him even further.  “Do you think I didn’t know what you were thinking?  Do you know what it’s like to see that look in your eyes and know it was because of me?  Do you know what it feels like to know you were pretending everything was okay when it wasn’t?”  She was sobbing now.  “No matter how hard I tried – something would always happen!  And I’d see it in your face – how much you hated having to take care of me!  Don’t you know how much that hurt me?”

She turned from him and covered her face, sobbing in her hands.  He could only stare at her back, too stunned to speak.  He wanted to deny it, but as the memories of that day came to him, he realized she was right.  He’d felt completely overwhelmed when he’d learned of the tapes, knowing it was going to be even harder for him to help her after that kind of blow.  Deep shame washed over him as he remembered wishing he didn’t have to deal with her on the day she’d needed him more than ever.  How could he have been so selfish and cruel?

Georgie leaned over and laid on the bed, her body wracked with sobs.  He’d done this to her, he thought with despair while he watched her.  When she’d lived with him, how many times had he been disappointed with her, angry she was finding it difficult to cope, irritated she needed him so much.  And he’d tried to hide it from her just as she said, pretending everything was fine.  How could he have been so thick not to know she was picking up on it?  He was the only person she had to rely on and he’d failed her, hurting her repeatedly until he’d finally broken her.  It was no wonder she ran from him to escape it.  What other choice did she have?

He couldn’t bear to see her lying there, all alone with the pain he’d caused her and he climbed up on the bed so he could lie behind her, pressing himself against her back.  He put his arm around her to hold her, feeling about as low as he ever had while she continued to sob.

After a while, when the tears ran out, he took her hand and held it against her chest, feeling her steady heart beats.  Night had come and the room was mostly dark, illuminated by the lights coming through the window.  He could hear the muffled sounds of the city outside and the occasional noises of people in the hallway but the only sound in the room was their breathing.

“I’m so sorry, Georgie,” he said quietly into her hair.  “You’re right about all of it.  I never meant to hurt you, but I did.  I hurt both of us.  It was so stupid of me not to be honest with you.  If I had –.”  But he couldn’t continue as the pain in his throat became too great to speak, the realization of how horribly he’d screwed up overwhelming him.

Georgie started to turn around to face him, and he moved back to give her some space.  “The truth is, I wasn’t honest with you either,” she said sadly.  “I never told you how I was feeling and – I knew it was a mistake not to go to therapy like you asked.”

“Georgie, I just –.”  He stopped himself from saying more and sighed deeply, feeling even worse.

“What, Robert?” she prodded after a moment.

“I just – I just – don’t understand why you would even want to be with me,” he said miserably.  “After what I did, I –.”  She put her fingers on his lips to stop him from saying more.

“Robert, I love you,” she said with her voice breaking.

“You deserve better than me,” he muttered quietly.

“I’ll tell you why I want to be with you,” she said, her voice suddenly stronger.  She found his hand in the dark and held it.  “You saved my life, Robert!  It wasn’t easy for you but you still did it because you loved me!  You have no idea what that means to me.  And – even though you hurt me, I know you weren’t trying to.  I think – it was just too hard for both of us, being free and – dealing with everything.”

She didn’t say anything else and while he laid there in the dark, feeling her soft warm hand in his, he realized she was right.  He’d loved her far too much to consider leaving her behind with the bastard.  Even knowing what he’d been put through, he’d do it again in a heartbeat – because he still loved her.  And by some miracle, she still loved him.  Even though he’d hurt her terribly and made just about every mistake he could with her, she still wanted him.

“Will you promise me something?” he asked.  “From now on, will you tell me when you see me acting like that?  If I’m being a twat and pretending everything is fine when it isn’t?”  Georgie gasped.

“What are you –?  You mean – if we – do you –?”

She didn’t continue but he knew what she meant, and until that moment, he wasn’t aware that’s what he was saying.  He was suddenly filled with anxiety as he considered the possibility of getting back together with her.  What if he fucked it all up again and hurt her even more than he already had?  She was still struggling to deal with her freedom.  Was he going to be able to handle it any better?  Even if they talked about what they were feeling, would it be enough?

He considered telling her his original plan.  They’d put off being a couple until she’d had more therapy and was doing better.  He’d fly home in a few days, leaving her to continue her recovery – alone, he thought grimly.  In the dark hotel room, he suddenly saw Georgie sitting at the desk in the flat all alone, sewing her ugly clothes in the oppressive silence, waiting for night to fall when she’d be tortured by the sick bastard.

Fate had put him in that flat because she needed him.  After everything he’d gone through to save her life and bring her out, was he really going to walk away and leave her to face the rest of it alone?  She was still gasping a little while she waited for him to speak.

“I love you, Georgie.  I don’t want us to be apart anymore.”

She cried out and grabbed onto him.  He held her tight while she clung to him, crying into his chest.  He buried his face in her silky hair, unable to stop his own tears, overwhelmed with emotions.  His heart was swelling with love for her, and relief she was his again, but he was terrified.  There were so many ways it could go wrong.

Since he’d known her, there were so many times he’d fucked things up with her and hurt her, yet she’d continued to love him through all of it.  She was so sweet and caring, the girl he wanted to be with for the rest of his life.  He was going to do everything within his power to be the man who deserved her, he thought with a firm determination.

When she relaxed, he began rubbing her back, enjoying the feeling of her warm body nestled against him.  “I love you so much, Robert,” she said with a sigh.  “I don’t want us to ever be apart either.”

Before he had a chance to respond, her fingers slipped into his hair and she pulled him down, her lips finding his in the dark.  He slid his lips over soft ones, gently caressing them, tasting the traces of her salty tears.  She deepened the kiss, moaning a little and clutching at him more, pressing herself against him, matching the passion he now felt for her.  He wanted her so desperately and pulled her to him tighter, his body aching for her, but – this was a mistake he thought suddenly, and forced himself to pull away.  They both panted in the dark for a moment.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, the fear in her voice painfully evident.

“It’s – it’s just that I think we should talk.  There are things we need to decide – before we go any further.”

“Like what?” she asked, still sounding afraid.

“Georgie, I want to be honest with you.  I don’t want to move to Chicago.  Not now, at least.  I’ve already been accepted to some universities and I don’t want to delay starting.  In the future perhaps I could arrange a transfer.  I know it means if we want to be together – you’ll have to live – in England and – maybe you don’t want to,” he finished quietly.  He felt awful starting their relationship with demands, but he knew he’d be making a mistake delaying starting school for possibly another year.

She was quiet and he waited, each passing second making him more worried of what she was going to say.  Maybe this was the deal breaker, maybe she’d refuse to go back saying she couldn’t bear to live there after everything that happened.  She could decide to end it right now, and he wouldn’t blame her.

“Robert, I don’t want to – I don’t want to go back unless you promise to help me find a therapist,” she said, her voice shaking a little.

“Of course!  Of course, Georgie!” he said with relief, holding her a little tighter.  “I’ll find you one right away – and perhaps – we should both go together, yeah?  That way if any problems come up, we’ll sort them properly with the doctor.”

“Really?” she asked, as if she couldn’t believe it.

“Yeah,” he said kissing her gently on the lips.  “I think I should.  It will help me too, yeah?”

“I’ll need help with my schooling.  I don’t know what I need to do in England,” she said sadly, and he place his hand on her cheek.

“Georgie, I swear to you, I’m going to be there for you one hundred percent,” he said fervently.  Whatever you need, I’m going to help you get it, alright?  I don’t want you to worry.”  He could feel her relax in his arms, as she sighed deeply.

“I trust you, Robert.  I believe you’ll help me.”

“And you’ll tell me the minute you see me doing any different, alright?  I was serious about that.”

“I will, Robert.  I swear it,” she said just as fervently, and then her lips captured his again.

****

The day we’ve all been waiting for has arrived!  I really hope you found this to be a satisfying reunion, and if you did, please consider showing it some love with a vote.  Now that you know the real reason why Georgie left, what do you think?  Did it surprise you?  Are you happy they’re together, or think it’s a mistake?  What about Robert’s request she come back to England?  I’m dying to know what you think.