thirty

“you are

every hope

I ever had.”

Cold.

Everything was so cold.

And so dark.

It felt like somebody had nailed my eyelids shut when I tried opening them. And when I failed to do that, I tried concentrating on my other body parts. Doing so made me grow consciously aware of the cold. Every single part of my body felt too cold to move.

Besides, I didn't think I had enough energy inside me to move anything.

I think I was shivering. A small whimper escaped my lips as I searched around for any sort of warmth. Maybe the voice wasn't even from my mouth. It sounded so far away.

Why could I not open my eyes?

"Hey, hey, it's all right." Someone spoke near me, close enough. It came out soft and concerned. I whimpered again.

Then I felt a warm touch on my forehead and that was literally the warmest thing near me, so much so that I involuntarily leaned into the touch, not wanting it to go away.

"She has a fever. Is that normal?"

"Yeah." I heard another voice, a quiet, concerned one. "That's a normal symptom. I think she's got hypothermia. But...it'll be fine." Though I was pretty sure I heard the doubt in her voice. I was too tired to recognize the voices. I just wanted to sleep, but the cold felt too unbearable.

"Maybe we should take her to the hospital."

"Maybe we should." There was the doubt again. "But I checked her vitals. They're coming back to normal. She should wake up soon." Hope, was that hope in her voice? Why did my head feel so slow?

"It's just mild hypothermia. I'll...go and make you both some hot chocolate. Shout if she wakes up." And then there was a pause. "I'm serious, Alastair."

Alastair.

The warm touch pulled away from my forehead, leaving the same cold sensation behind, and I heard myself groaning softly at the loss of it. This numbing cold was too much.

"Ophelia?" There was a small murmur somewhere near me. "Can you hear me?"

Yes.

However, what came out of my mouth was something like, "C-Cold."

"Right. Fuck, I'll get you some more blankets."

I waited and waited but ended up opening my eyes. Everything was just too bright, like someone had literally brought the sun in here. I sat up and another groan escaped my lips. My entire body felt like jello and not in a nice way. It ached inside me feverishly.

Someone stepped into the doorway and stopped immediately. It took me a while to realize that it was Alastair. Then the shivering hit me out of nowhere.

I wrapped my arms around myself and curled up into a ball, shivering. I was trembling. I felt so cold.

"Ophelia," I heard him. He sounded strange. He sounded worried. "Are you all right? Hey, hey," I felt someone else's hands on my arms before I was pulled up in a sitting position again.

I blinked groggily up at him, trying to make out his face amidst my blurry vision.

"Talk to me." He murmured with such urgency that I knew I had to talk to him. I didn't want him to sound so worried. Why was he even worried? "I can't help you if you don't talk to me, Ophelia."

Talk to me. Talk to me.

"I..." My mouth felt heavy. It took me a while to register when he picked up a large blanket from somewhere behind me and wrapped it around my shoulders. Then I exhaled heavily, leaning onto him as he sat down in front of me on the bed. "I...I'm cold. So...cold."

"Okay. Okay." He whispered before draping another blanket around me, pulling me against him. I breathed out a sigh of relief. How was he so warm? "Tell me, does it hurt anywhere?"

He leaned sideways before picking up something from the floor, sliding it over my head. It was warm. It kind of lessened the pounding headache. A wool hat?

"You're...w-warm." I mumbled into his chest, my trembling fingers grasping the blankets around me.

He responded by wrapping an arm around me. "Ophelia, does it hurt anywhere?"

But I was long gone into a less cold sleep to answer him at all.

******

The next time I woke up, I wasn't in a sitting position. I was still cold, but much less than the first time I had woken up.

I tried moving but something rested on top of me, something soft and heavy. And I was a little too groggy to get it off of me. So I ended up groaning.

"Morning." I heard a voice somewhere around me. I opened my eyes but couldn't really see anything other than the blankets. "How do you feel?"

I groaned again, pressing my face into the pillow. "Too many."

"What?"

"Blankets."

Alastair responded by pulling the heaviness off of my shoulders. I breathed in the fresh air and sat up, only to wince at the way my brain seemed to wobble within my skull.

"I don't think you're fine just yet," he murmured, picking up a mug from the side table. "I warmed up your hot chocolate. I think your sister fell asleep."

I looked up at him and blinked before slowly reaching out for the mug. He carefully handed it to me, but I couldn't really hold onto it when my fingers slipped, too numb to hold.

"I...can't hold it." I frowned, rubbing my eyes instead.

"It's all right." He sat down in front of me. "I'll help you with it, yeah?"

I hummed in agreement because I really wanted something to drink. And hot chocolate sounded really warm right now. So when he brought the mug near my lips and carefully tipped it a little, I gulped it down in mere seconds, relishing the warm tingling feeling that came along with it.

Alastair pulled it away when I was finished and an involuntary sigh escaped my lips. I gazed across the room, my eyes stopping at the window. It was morning outside. The last time I had woken up, I faintly remembered it being nighttime. How many hours had I slept? And why did I still feel so cold?

"Do you want me to wake up your sister?" He asked me once he had kept the mug away.

I looked up at him and his warm grey eyes. He was staring at me, waiting. He looked so tired, I realized, like he hadn't been sleeping for days. I slowly reached out my hand and touched his hair that had messily fallen over his forehead. They felt a little wet.

"Showered." He answered my silent question when I pulled my hand away. "Do you feel better than before?"

"Yes," I murmured. "It's...it's less cold."

"Okay." He nodded, passing me a small smile. It was mixed with relief, concern, and maybe even a bit of sadness. I didn't like that he looked so sad. "That's good."

I gripped onto one blanket around me and inched closer towards him until I was leaning against his chest and he had his arms around me.

"Why...why d-do I feel cold?"

He tensed a little, one of his hands softly trailing up and down my back.

"Don't you remember?" He asked.

"I...I don't know."

His other hand slid into my hair and he stroked softly, leaning down and pressing a kiss on the top of my head. I snuggled closer against him. "We went ice skating at the lake. The...ice broke and you fell in."

It took me a while, but I remembered. I remembered it all right.

"Oh," I whispered.

There was just silence after that. Then he pulled me even closer. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Ophelia."

My head wasn't that clouded up to not know why he was apologizing. I just didn't have the energy to think about it right now.

"It wasn't your fault that I...fell in," I murmured slowly, heavily.

"It was." He replied sadly. "It was all my fault. I'm so sorry."

"Please d-don't," I whispered, feeling the guilt clawing in my chest when he apologized. I didn't like that feeling. And I just didn't want to feel anything right now. "I feel bad when you...apologize."

He didn't say anything else in response to that, just tucked the blanket further around me.

"Do you still feel cold?"

"Yeah," I whispered, shifting just a little with a semi-groan that mostly went muffled by his shirt.

"Okay." He replied, exhaling slowly. "Let's just wait for your sister to wake up. I don't really know what else to do that'd make you feel better."

I let the silence wash over me for the next few seconds, thinking. How long had I been underwater? How long had it taken me to lose consciousness? I remembered some bits, but being pulled out wasn't one of them.

"I already feel...feel better," I murmured.

"Not just yet." He said. "I still think we should've taken you to the doctor."

I scrunched up my nose in disgust, my fingers slowly trailing along the front of his shirt. "N-not the doctor. I...don't like hospitals."

"Really?" He sounded a little bewildered. Better than him sounding so sad. "Why did you volunteer at the sanitarium then?"

I shrugged. "I don't know."

He breathed out a small laugh and I relaxed even further.

And then someone's phone rang, breaking the silence that followed. Alastair shifted a little and I think it was his phone. He declined it though, the call, and when it stopped ringing, I pulled away.

"All right?" He seemed reluctant to let me go, concern lacing his voice. "What's wrong?"

It took me a lot of effort to straighten up but I did it nonetheless.

"Who was it?" I asked in a whisper.

He seemed confused and I thought he didn't hear me until his gaze trailed down to his phone, where I was looking.

"No one important." He said.

"You don't have to--"

"I'm here for you, Ophelia." He cut me off with a small frown. "Don't push me away all over again."

It took me by surprise. The obvious hurt in his voice that he'd been trying so hard to hide, all that took me by surprise. It hadn't really occurred to me until now how terribly he was taking this. With that underlying sadness in his voice, he thought this happened because of him. He was blaming himself (probably from the moment I'd lost consciousness) and I wasn't helping in the slightest.

I was being way too slow.

I opened my mouth to tell him that I hadn't meant it in that way, that I hadn't meant to push him away, but right then Luce stopped by the doorway and came inside. She looked like she had just woken up, judging from her ruffled pajamas.

"Oh thank Lord." She murmured as her eyes raked my form and then leaned down to pick up a fallen blanket from the floor. "You're awake. Finally. I can't even begin--"

Alastair's phone rang again, making her stop whatever she was about to say. He looked down at it, clenching his jaw. I had a feeling his frustration wasn't just at the person who was calling him. He was frustrated with me too.

"I'll be right back." He excused himself before getting up and leaving the room, not even caring to spare me a glance. I watched him leave, feeling a slow heaviness falling over my chest.

"How are you doing, Lia?" Luce spoke up, breaking the awful silence before sitting down in front of me. Right where Alas had been sitting a few seconds ago.

"Tell me how you feel." She took my hand in hers, squeezing. "I'm pretty sure it was just mild but I still need to ward off the doubts. Do you feel nauseous?"

I shook my head because I didn't. "I just...feel cold."

"Obviously." She sighed and shook her head, mostly in disbelief. "I don't even know where to start. Quite frankly, I want to shout at you. At him too. But you...already look so fucked up. And well, Alastair...I don't think he slept even once since he brought you here." She was still shaking her head.

I swallowed uneasily. "How long was I out?"

"The whole day yesterday." She replied. "This was foolish, Lia."

"I didn't know the...the ice would break."

"Well, you should've been careful."

I sighed, closing my eyes. There was this troubling feeling inside me, an uneasy one. Why was Alastair taking so long to come back?

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "You can't blame him, though."

"I'm blaming you both."

My eyes darted across my room, settling at the clock. It was way past noon right now and Luce usually left by this time for work.

I looked back at her. "Aren't y-you...going to be late for work?"

She stared at me. "I'm taking a day off."

"Because of me?"

"Your teeth are still chattering."

I pulled the ends of the blanket closer against myself, leaning back on the pillows. "Luce--"

"I'll see." She cut me off, dismissing the topic. "You should take a hot bath. It'll help."

I didn't really respond, but when she spoke about a bath, my mind drifted off to the bathtub in her bathroom and how it had been overflowing with water when no one had gone near the tap.

It made me shudder. Not because of how creepy that had been, but because I remembered that cold water seeping through my socks when I had closed the faucet. The cold water was just like the one I remembered in the lake.

"Lia," Luce whispered, staring at me. "Are you sure you're all right?"

I looked back at her, not sure what to say. I was all right, but I didn't think I was at the same time. So much had happened in such a short while. It was scary that I wasn't really bawling my eyes out.

"Yes," I told her, managing a small smile. "You...you shouldn't take a day off b-because of me."

Luce didn't wave off the topic like last time. Instead, she sighed and nodded.

"Okay. I'll ask Alastair to stay until I get back." She murmured, fluffing up one of my pillows which was discarded at one end of the bed. "Take a warm bath. I'll maybe make some calls to a doctor and see if I can--"

"Don't." I blurted out, almost wincing at the way my head swam for a few seconds. "Don't force him to...to stay."

I didn't say that because I wanted Alastair to leave. God, that was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want him to leave. I said that because I remembered what had happened there at the lake, right before that ice broke below me. I remembered the hurt in his eyes. I remembered the words I had said to him.

Luce gave me an odd look, not really saying anything until she was standing by my closet and picking out a warm beige sweater for me along with some sweatpants.

"He's been worried sick, Lia." She said, "I don't think he'll leave even if I tell him to."

Then she handed me the clothes, nudging her head towards the bathroom. "I'll prepare you a bath. Come on."

******

When Alastair didn't come back to my room and when Luce insisted that I go take the bath she had prepared for me, I decided to do just as she had said.

And it helped.

The warm water was everything I needed at that moment. Even though it slightly irked me to be near water right now, I couldn't help but relax, closing my eyes at the warm feeling around me. It was a bit scary, especially since I had technically drowned in the lake, but I couldn't really care much about it. At least not right now.

I sank lower in the bathtub until the water reached just below my chin. I stayed there for as long as the water remained warm. When it started getting cold, I started shivering right on cue, and then I had to step out of the tub, wrap myself within the warm towel (which honestly did no good), and shrug on the clothes Luce had given me.

By the time I stepped out of the bathroom, I was trembling.

"You look worse," Alastair said. And he was right. I felt worse. Now that I was out of the warm confines of the bathroom, my fingers felt numb, along with my nose and my ears and my cheeks.

But when I saw Alastair sitting on my bed, looking like he had been waiting for me, I breathed out a small sigh of relief. I'd been seconds away from thinking that he'd left.

"I-I'm fine." I stuttered before walking towards him. Except that my legs felt too numb and slow and I ended up stumbling.

Alastair was fast enough to grip my arms, not letting me fall.

"Careful, Lia." He furrowed his brows. "You need to be careful."

"I w-was careful."

He made me sit down on the bed and I breathed out a content sigh, rubbing the tip of my nose when it started tingling. And then I sneezed right before sneezing again.

"Bless you," Alastair murmured as he eyed me with a small smile. I managed to smile back before another sneeze escaped my lips.

"Ugh." I groaned and rubbed my forehead. "I don't feel so good."

"Does your head hurt?"

"Yes," I whispered sadly.

"Come here." He opened his arms and I fell into his chest, resting my face against him. I couldn't help but let out another pleased sigh. "Better?"

"Yeah." My voice was mostly muffled. "I'm...I'm sorry for making you stay. You don't have to if y-you're busy or something."

"Ophelia," I heard him sigh heavily. "I like being here. With you. Do you understand?"

I pulled up my freezing hands until they were trapped between us both. At least that way they weren't freezing anymore.

"I like taking care of you. I like being there for you when you need me, if you need me. I like this." He added softly. "You're not forcing me."

I frowned slightly. "But...what if I am?"

He breathed out a short laugh. "No, you are not. I'm here because I love you. I promise."

I love you.

A small involuntary smile crept on my lips and I settled against him, all snug and warm.

"Okay," I whispered.

We sat there for a while until my shivering lessened a bit. Alastair held onto my hands, engulfing them with his own and keeping them warm. I nearly fell asleep again.

My room was messed up like always and I was slowly growing aware of that. I was a little embarrassed that Alastair got to see it like this, even though he had been here before. Perhaps I should have listened to Luce a few days ago when she had seen the mess here and bluntly told me how horribly untidy I was.

I pulled away from Alastair just a little, cringing at the bright sunlight coming from the windows.

"Your lips look a little blue," Alastair whispered, his thumb softly tracing my lower lip, and his gaze slowly trailing upto my own. I noticed the concern in his eyes as I pushed back my hair away from my eyes.

And then a smile formed on his lips.

"Do you think it'll help if I kiss you?"

I didn't even have to think twice about it. I just nodded. And when he leaned closer and slowly pressed his lips against my own freezing ones, I nearly melted against him.

My eyelids fluttered shut at the sudden warmth that filled my insides. Everything felt so warm.

But he pulled away too soon.

"It was helping." I think I was pouting.

His smile widened. "Yeah?"

I nodded eagerly and he kissed me a bit longer this time, drawing me closer.

When I pulled away to catch my breath, I found myself momentarily thinking about the frozen lake. Perhaps the initial numbness was wearing off, morphing into shock. It felt a little terrifying now that I thought about it.

Especially when I found myself thinking about that dark, cold water all around me, and that cold tug I had felt when I was pulled under. Had I been imagining things? But why had that felt so real?

I looked down at my ankles, covered in warm, fluffy socks. I could still vaguely feel something wrapping around it, tugging onto my ankle.

But how could've someone pulled me in?

"What are you thinking about?" Alastair broke me out of my thoughts, his eyes on me, curious.

I sucked in a breath and shook my head. I would sound stupid if I said it out loud. What if he brushed it off? Or worse, what if he laughed at me? What if he blamed it on the shock I was just starting to feel?

But didn't I trust him?

I found myself recalling the harsh words I had spoken back at the lake, when we had been skating, when he had asked me about Noah. I had gotten scared and irrationality came with it.

I glanced up at him, in his warm grey eyes, and he was still patiently looking back at me. Waiting.

"I...I..." I stopped short when I realized he wouldn't want me to apologize. But how else would I let him know that I was truly sorry for those harsh words I had spoken to him earlier?

"What is it?" He took hold of my hand, gently brushing his fingers along my palm. It made my racing heart slow down a little.

"I...felt someone pulling me in," I spoke up, my eyes widening just slightly as I looked at him, waiting for a negative reaction.

He frowned before raising his brows. "Pulling you where?"

"In the...in the lake. When the ice broke, it was--someone grabbed my ankle." I added and a small shiver ran down my spine when I thought about it. "I know it sounds stupid, but...but I felt it. I think. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. My head probably just made it up."

As if that makes it sound way less stupid.

When I looked at him, he was still frowning.

"What do you mean someone pulled you in?" He asked.

I could only shrug helplessly.

"I didn't see anyone there besides us." He added. "It was just...us."

I nodded, feeling this small lump in my throat, clawing its way up.

"I know. I just...felt it. Something really cold wrapped around my ankle before pulling me in." And then I shook my head. "It must've been in my head. I'm sorry, this is just stupid."

"No, it's not." He squeezed my hand a little tighter than before and it made me look at him. "Ophelia, you don't have to apologize for telling me something that's bothering you."

Shouldn't I?

"Did you think I'd make fun of you?" He asked me with the same softness in his voice. It made my lips curve downwards involuntarily. "I'd never do that. You never judged me when I told you crazy shit about myself. Why would I do that to you?"

I looked down at our hands, avoiding his gaze.

He ended up sighing.

"Ophelia, I don't know what happened with you, things that made you think like this. I won't ever know unless you tell me," He said. "That obviously doesn't mean I'm forcing you to talk to me about it."

I could slowly feel my throat clenching out of instinct.

"I don't know anything about your family. Or your friends back where you live." He went on. "I don't even want to imagine what they were like. You know that I'm not...I was never good with people. But I'm not like them. I'll never be like them. Because I love you."

And they didn't. They didn't really love me, I thought.

A hush fell around us after that, a kind of silence that felt too much to bear. I still didn't look up at him, even if he was still staring at me, waiting, probably hoping for me to say something. I could've felt that in his gaze. I just didn't know how to separate my emotions when they were so mixed up. So overwhelming.

All I could do was blink back the tears that had started clouding over my vision.

"Why didn't they?" It was merely a whisper that escaped my lips.

He traced his thumb over my knuckles. "Hm?"

"Why...why didn't they love me?" I found myself asking and grimacing at the way my voice broke in between.

His hand stilled against my own when he heard my voice breaking. It was a little strange how he reacted whenever I was on the verge of tears. I wasn't used to that. I was used to pity, I wasn't used to sympathy or this kind of affection.

"Because they don't see what I see in you?" He suggested, tilting my head up with his other hand, until I was looking at him, at the small, sad smile on his lips.

"You--You don't see anything in me." I scrunched up my face when a tear, slowly and painfully rolled down my cheek. "Nobody does. I don't have anything in me."

He leaned closer until it was just him and his beautiful grey eyes that I could see. I blinked before my vision cleared off from more tears.

"I see you, Ophelia." He whispered, softly brushing off my tears. "I see new things in you every day. I see things that make me fall in love with you more. And then I find myself wondering where I would've been right now if I didn't meet you in that shithole of a hospital."

I kept staring, willing, hoping that I would stop crying.

"I don't know where I would be right now if I hadn't met you." He whispered, his eyes clouding over with that raw intensity, that honesty that I couldn't look away from. "I don't even think I'd be alive right now if I hadn't met you."

A small sob hitched in my throat.

"Don't say that." I looked at him with wide, fearful eyes. "Why would you say that?"

"Because it's the truth." He replied, and I heard the same pain in his voice that I felt at that moment, deep in my chest. "Do you know why I told you that I couldn't sleep, the first time we met?"

That momentarily made me forget about my tears.

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't differ real from fake at that moment. Everything in that hospital and in that room and all those bloody people, they were driving me insane. I was going insane in that room, Ophelia. I was having those flashes, seeing things, and everything was starting to look so unreal." He held my face in his hands. "But when you came in there, in that room, you just...you looked so real. Not like those staff they sent in my room, not even those therapists. Only you seemed to be the real thing there."

I could only stare at him then, knowing that I was still crying.

"And I wouldn't be here if you weren't there that day." He added in a whisper, an honest whisper. "You told me that you think everyone needs someone. You were right. I needed you. And you made me want to live."

He wouldn't be here.

"Don't say that please." My voice cracked as I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his neck, and sobbing quietly. "Please, Alas. I don't...I don't know what I would do without you. I don't want to think about that."

I didn't want to think about the time he wasn't here with me. And I didn't want to think about that time either when he wouldn't be there with me. It hurt to even think of it.

"You're always so nice to me." I sniffled. "And I'm not used to that. I don't...think I can ever be. So don't say that. Please."

He pulled me closer by my waist, impossibly closer, almost as if he was as scared as me to let go.

"You'll get used to it." He murmured. "I promise."

"I know." Another sob escaped my lips. I pressed my face further against his hoodie, trying to hide everything. "That's...that's what scares me. Nothing lasts forever, Alas."

He placed a slow, long kiss in my hair. "We'll make it last forever."

And just like that, without any more effort, I found myself clinging onto just those few words. Hoping that they were true. Hoping that this wasn't just a lie.