thirty four

"why do we know,

but act like we don't."

Another day or so passed by with no contact from Alastair. He was fine, though. Maria updated me the next night, telling me he was discharged from the hospital. That's all I got to know.

Mrs. Hawthorne said I should stay away from him. I didn't want to. That was the last thing I wanted to do. But who was I to decide? Alastair didn't need me. Perhaps I made things worse for him when I was there with him. And maybe staying away from him wouldn't be as selfish as spending these last few days with him.

I promised I'll be there for him when he needs me. And it seemed like he didn't need me these days.

So I kept it that way. I stopped texting him or calling him and I stayed away. That didn't stop me from thinking about him though--which I constantly did.

And that's exactly why I found myself going into the woods that night, at the lake. I thought that would make me think about him a little less. I thought that would lessen the craving inside me to see him, to see how he was doing.

It didn't help, however. If anything, when I reached there, I just found myself feeling lonelier than ever. Because he wasn't here with me. Not to forget the last time I was here, I had fallen through the ice and nearly drowned.

The lake was frozen again. So it didn't nearly scare me as much as it should have. Besides, I was too busy thinking about Alastair.

I sat there for the rest of the night, looking over at the icy blue lake and the faint reflection of the moon against it. I sat there thinking about all those times I came here with him, all those happy times when things had been easier. When I hadn't realized that I loved him.

How ironic it was though, that I was scared of falling in love and when I did fall in love, I messed things up as well. Perhaps I should have warned myself of this when I had made plans to visit Luce during my vacations. Perhaps I should have been more careful and not cared when Nadia had sent me with those files to room 221 at the sanitarium, to that one room that changed so much for me.

Maybe I could've stopped it from happening, only if I had been expecting it.

Falling hopelessly in love with someone was the last thing I expected when I came here.

And it was too late now.

I went back to my apartment somewhere around midnight and did the exact same thing the next night, and the night after that. Took a casual stroll in the woods, went by the lake and stayed there for the rest of the night.

It was helping in a way. Because when I got back home, I was way too tired to think about things and it took me much less time to fall asleep. It didn't, however, lessen the want inside me to see Alastair, see his beautiful grey eyes, or hear his voice. But it helped.

Luce was awake when I entered the apartment quietly that night, after strolling through the woods and the lake, closing the front door behind me. I stopped dead in my tracks when I noticed her sitting on the couch, waiting for someone. Me.

"Hey," I murmured with a tired smile. I felt exhausted.

She frowned at me. "This is the third night, Lia."

I looked away and headed inside the kitchen for some water. I decided to pretend that I didn't know what she was talking about. Third night of what? Me going to the lake? But I'm pretty sure I was too careful to not let her notice. How would she figure it out then?

"Are you ignoring me?" She asked in disbelief.

"Just curing my parched throat." I rolled my eyes before gulping down a glass of water. "Honestly, why are you even up right now? Don't you have an early shift tomorrow?"

"You're leaving in a week."

I sprawled down on the couch beside her, sinking into it. "I know. I'm so not ready for that."

"Will you not talk to Alastair before leaving?" She asked, pulling up her knees and facing me. "A goodbye?"

"We don't need a goodbye." I managed a smile, even when I felt like shit from the inside. "And...I hate goodbyes so..." I ended it with a shrug.

"You know what I mean, Lia. You haven't talked to him since that night at the hospital. You didn't even tell me what happened there. And now you're acting like...this. Like it doesn't matter?" She was frowning a little. "I know you don't like opening up, and I know you've never opened up fully to me, but honestly, Lia, I saw you being so happy with him. I'm not gonna let you give up on the one thing that I know you truly want."

She was glaring at me. I couldn't help but laugh under my breath.

"It's fine." It wasn't. "I'll talk to him. It isn't even...that big of an issue."

"Really?"

I went silent at that.

"Call him." She told me. "Don't give up now, Lia."

I called him when I got in bed.

He didn't pick up.

******

The next night, once again, I went to the lake.

I took an extra four wrong turns that night, somehow ending up so deep in the woods before I came anywhere near the lake. Perhaps it was because of my overcrowded mind that I missed the usual route. That night I was lost in my thoughts more so than normal.

It was almost near midnight by the time I reached the familiar path which led to the lake and the curtain of green vines that hid it from view. I nearly sighed in relief when I recognized the path, stuffing my phone back inside my pocket since I didn't really have to call Luce or someone else to help me out of here.

Woods creeped me out. Especially at night. But I needed to reach the lake. It felt like I needed it.

As I moved some of the green vines away with my arm, I stopped dead in my tracks when I noticed another presence there besides me.

A boy was sitting near the lake with his back towards me. His head was angled slightly towards the night sky, his midnight black hair disheveled thanks to the slow, chilly wind.

I recognized him. Of course, I did.

But that didn't make me step forward, towards him. Towards Alastair. I kept rooted to my spot, a little afraid that if I moved, something might happen and this all would vanish. And then the bigger part of me was scared because I feared if I made my presence known, he might just walk away.

If he had wanted my company, he would have answered my calls. Or my texts. Which meant that he didn't need me. Not right now. And so I didn't move.

I had to leave.

Or I could stay, a small part screamed inside my head, tugging at my heart. Stay and talk to him. Stay and ask him why.

Shaking my head as if that would stop my thoughts, I took a small step back and turned around, starting to walk away.

"Wait!"

I froze and turned back around. I stared at him then, stared at him with wide, fearful eyes. How had he noticed me?

"Hey, um..." I trailed off, swallowing. I tried to look away from his face, but even when he was a little too far away, I just couldn't stop staring. Because I had missed him so much.

"What are you doing here?" Alastair asked, slowly and carefully, almost as if he was trying not to scare something away. He thought he was going to scare me away. I almost laughed at that thought.

Instead, I stuffed my hands inside my hoodie pockets and bounced a little on my feet, looking around the numerous trees. Anything but his face. Anything but that soft, miserable look in his eyes as he looked at me.

"I just thought to come by. Haven't been here in so long." I replied and my voice, for some reason, sounded a little hoarse. I was lying to him, I realized. I hated lying to him.

"But you were leaving." He was frowning now.

"I was." I nodded.

None of us said anything for the next few seconds. I felt his stare on my face, drilling into my bones, asking me to stay. I didn't want to leave either.

"You shouldn't leave then." He spoke up softly.

I was shaking my head way before I could've thought twice.

"No, it's fine--"

"Ophelia," He cut me off, still with that familiar softness in his voice. The warmth that I had needed so badly these past few days.

I looked up at him then, blinking as my heart raced.

"Stay." He went on. "Please."

And then I was nodding, because I really didn't have that much of self-control to be this close to him and still walk away. I wanted to be near him, even if it'd be for a few minutes. I wanted to be near his presence, fill the absence of him, just for a while.

I noticed the full moon glowing right above the frozen lake when I sat down beside Alastair, placing a noticeable amount of distance between us. I didn't want to and it hurt not being close to him, but there was already this unspeakable distance between us, and I felt it in the air. I felt it and it hurt.

I was always the one who pushed people away. I wasn't used to being pushed away for once.

"Were you leaving because you saw me?" Alastair asked. It was a murmur now since we were sitting close enough.

I shifted a little before sparing him a glance. And then I was staring at him.

God, how was it possible to miss someone when they were right here with you?

"No." I lied, before grimacing a little and looking down at my hands. "Yes, I...I didn't want to intrude. "

And you didn't want me, I almost said.

"You wouldn't have." He replied. It should've relieved me, but it didn't. Instead, I wanted to grab him by his shoulders, shake him and ask him why he had been avoiding me for so long. I wanted to ask him why he had pushed me away when that was the one thing he knew that scared me the most. I just wanted to ask him why.

I trailed my fingers against the grass beside me, my gaze stuck at it.

"Why..." I trailed off, clearing my throat. "How are you doing?"

It wouldn't matter, I told myself. The answer to that might not be what I was hoping for. And that might hurt more. I didn't want it to hurt more.

Alastair turned his head to look at me and when I looked into the silver in his eyes, it felt like a heavy, frightening burden was being pulled off my shoulders. Those eyes, I realized for probably the hundredth time, those eyes would forever be my salvation.

"What do you think? " He asked quietly.

"Doesn't really matter what I think," I said.

"It does."

"Does it?" I asked him, frowning just a little. Why else would he ignore me for days? Why else would he not pick up my calls or answer my texts? Why else would he not let me know that he wasn't doing fine? Why else would he push me away like he was pushing away everyone else?

I was like everyone else to him. Perhaps he wasn't really sure whether to trust me anymore, not after I showed him that photograph and left him in that mess.

"Don't you trust me anymore, Alas?" I asked him in whisper.

He looked surprised, taken aback, like this was the last question he had been expecting me to ask. Still, it didn't take him any more than a few seconds to answer me.

"I do." He said, then frowned. "Ophelia, this isn't about trust. It was never about trust."

I looked away then, feeling this small lump in my throat.

"I saw all of your calls and your texts." He added, and I heard the strange urgency in his voice. Like he desperately wanted me to believe him. "I saw them but I couldn't answer. Not because I didn't trust you. God, that isn't--you are the only person I trust more than my own life, Ophelia."

I clenched my jaw.

"I didn't answer your calls or texts because...I'm messed up." He continued. There was this strain in his voice that made me want to hold his hand. And I might've even done that, but something didn't let me.

"I already fucked up when I told you to leave that night. I didn't want you to leave, but I still made you. And then there was that picture." His voice fell to a small whisper, not even managing to properly conceal the hidden anguish. "I...tried to remember. But I couldn't. I tried so hard."

I fisted my hands in my lap, tensing a little.

"I didn't understand how that picture could have been true." He sounded so lost and he wasn't even looking at me anymore.

"I'm sorry." I blurted out, feeling the lump slowly growing in my throat. "I'm so...so sorry, Alas."

He seemed a little bewildered when his eyes found mine.

"I shouldn't have--"

"No." He cut me off, letting out an exasperated sigh. "Don't you understand, Ophelia? I've been kept in the dark about my own family. About my own brother."

My breath hitched a little.

"Do you think I deserved not to know about him?" He seemed so sad that I didn't stop myself this time before taking hold of his hand. His gaze trailed down to it, before slowly looking back at me.

"You pulled me out of that darkness," He added.

I furrowed my brows, squeezing his hand. "No. No, I made it worse for you. I made it so...much worse, Alas." My voice broke as I blinked back the sudden tears.

He stared at me, in my eyes, and I noticed the way they softened, even more when he heard my voice breaking. Then he looked down at our hands, tugging them closer towards him before wrapping both of his hands around my own.

"I was already worse, Ophelia." He murmured. "I still am."

I shook my head, not really saying anything in fear of breaking down.

"Those flashes," He added. "I had them twice that day. The day...you visited me at my aunt's house. One happened before you came. And the other one was when you left."

My eyes widened a little and I found myself gripping his hand a little more tightly. No wonder he had looked so tired that day when I saw him. I hadn't thought much about it. I hadn't known--

"What?" I whispered. "Why...why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know."

"Alas," I sniffled, rubbing my eyes with my free hand, trying to clear my vision from tears. "God, why did you not tell me? If you'd have told me then I wouldn't have--"

"Shown me the photograph?" He asked, cutting me off. I fell silent at that. "Hid it from me like my aunt?"

The family talk, I realized, they must've had the talk Iris mentioned at the hospital.

"I didn't even know if it was real," I said.

"It is real." He replied, looking at me. He looked at me for a long time. "Cassius. That was his name. And I didn't even remember that. I don't even remember anything about my own twin. Do you know how it felt like when I couldn't figure it out?"

I merely stared back at him.

"Nothing felt real, Ophelia." His voice fell down to a whisper, his eyes clouding over with that immense sadness. "You were the only real thing for me. And when I told you to leave, when I had another one of those visions, it started feeling like I wasn't real either."

You are to me, I wanted to say. But I said nothing.

He looked back towards the lake then, his head hung low in despair.

"I pushed you away when I shouldn't have. I avoided you when that was the last thing I should've done. I took those...pills." He whispered. "And I was fully aware of it all, Ophelia. I'd be lying to you if I said that I didn't mean to do it."

His grip on my hand loosened a little and I found myself gripping his hand tighter, not wanting to let go, not wanting to even if something deep inside me told me that this was it. That I would have to let go.

"Everything's wrong with me." He said, his eyes finding mine. "You don't deserve someone like me."

And then a tear escaped my eye and I looked away, closing my eyes shut. Because God, this was exactly what had kept me terrified the past few nights.

"My whole family is dead." It was all raw. His voice, the emotion in his voice, the look on his face. Everything felt raw. "My own brother is dead. And all that was left behind was me. I don't understand why."

I pulled my hand away from his grasp.

"Don't say that," I spoke up, sounding a little harsher than I meant to. "You don't know what happened to them, Alastair. Don't you dare blame it on yourself."

A small, incredibly sad, smile tugged on his lips.

"I know," He said. Just that, nothing more.

I exhaled shakily and felt my tears drying up, not even bothering to wipe them anymore. I felt tired, exhausted, and sad. This conversation wasn't what I had been expecting when I came to the woods tonight. I hadn't been expecting anything when I got out of Luce's apartment, thinking just about the lake as I walked and walked.

This, this miserably sad conversation that immensely felt like a goodbye, wasn't what I had been expecting.

"So what now?" I asked him after a while, after I couldn't take the silence anymore. Because the silence made it feel like everything was fine when it wasn't. Nothing was fine right now. Something between us was broken and I didn't know how to fix it.

"Knightsridge..." He trailed off, his gaze centered at the frozen lake. "I think...I'll go there to find some answers."

I nodded, feeling this heavy feeling in my stomach weighing me down.

"And I'll go back home," I whispered, too low for him to even hear it. "I'll give up on us."

He was looking at me. I didn't even have to look back at him to know that.

"I was hoping you wouldn't." He said.

I looked at him through my tears. "Why?" Why does it even matter?

He smiled then, that same smile that I had grown so incredibly attached to. That smile that made it so much easier for me to breathe.

Except that now, it just tightened the hold on my heart, letting me know that this might just be the last time I see it.

"Because I know you can keep this together," He whispered, "enough for the both of us."