one

"back to

the stars

perhaps I'll

find you

there."

I didn't mean to step on the lady's dog.

I didn't mean to fall down either when I tried preventing the poor doggy-murder.

Obviously, if I had seen the little beady-eyed pomeranian on my way outside the busy London airport, I would've stopped. I would've even let the poor pup pass by first.

But none of that happened. Not when I didn't notice the dog, or the lady either (which was utterly disbelieving since she was wearing a bright green overcoat--a color I wouldn't have missed for the life of me).

The heavily crowded airport was to be blamed too. Even so early in the morning, it felt like the entire city had somehow made its way in here, and I was not entirely willing to ask anyone for directions.

Truth be told, I wouldn't really call myself anti-social. No, I actually liked talking to people. It was that in moments like such, I didn't like bothering people. Like why would that random dude standing with a suitcase by his side want to help me with directions? Or why would this lady in a neon green coat tell me the way out of here when I almost stepped on her puppy?

"Oh my God, Pixie!" The lady in green exclaimed. "Are you all right?"

She wasn't asking me, which she should've since I was the one face-planted on the polished airport floor, not her fucking dog. Tell me, why were pets even allowed in such crowded places? Was it my fault that I hadn't seen the poor puppy in front of me? Probably yes, but not entirely.

Or maybe it really was my own goddamn fault for not looking where I was stepping.

I lifted myself up from the floor, feeling thousands of stares nailing me right there. This was certainly not the very first experience I had hoped for when my plane landed here.

Deep breaths, Lia, deep breaths.

I saw the woman planting approximately five kisses on the puppy's head, before breathing out a sigh of relief--almost as if her little pet had just battled this severe near-death experience. It embarrassed me. Everything right now was embarrassing me.

Way to make an entry to a country I haven't ever been in before.

The lady gathered her dog in her arms, gave me a menacing glare, before walking away. I save her dog by not breaking his paw (thanks to the block-heeled boots I was wearing), falling down in the process, making an utter fool of myself, and all she gave me was a glare?

Why did this already feel like I was back home?

"You're welcome," I mumbled under my breath, standing up from the floor, and trying to keep my face from heating up any further. Fortunately, most of the people around me, except for a few, had been too busy to notice me on the floor (rude, actually).

All except for one person.

"That was a remarkable entrance."

When I looked up yet once again, it took me a few seconds to recognize Luce--my sister. Almost instantly, a huge grin broke across my lips and I had to refrain from hugging her. It was a natural response to stop myself from being impulsive, even though I loved hugs.

It had been years since the last time I saw her. And I don't think we ever hugged when I was a little kid. I had never been that close with any of my siblings. Weird, but I was still genuinely happy to see her.

"In my defense--" I wiped off my jeans before picking up my carry-bag from the floor. "--she was a bitch."

Luce broke into a laugh and I couldn't wipe off the stupid grin from my face either. It felt really nice to see her after so long. She was still the same, however, just a little bit taller than the last time I'd seen her back in New York.

She looked just like Mum; her hair was the same as Mum's soft brown waves, the same angular face as hers too. A younger version of her, that's what Mum said all the time. It was just her bright green eyes that differed her from me, or Mum even, and I think she got that from her father--Mum's first husband. The one person Mum never liked talking about.

That also made Luce and I half-sisters.

"It's so nice to see you, Lia." Before I could've known what was happening, she'd stepped closer and enveloped me in her arms. It was a bit strange that it took me a while to realize she was hugging me. Maybe because I hadn't initiated the hug first, or maybe because I wasn't really expecting it.

A little surprised, I hugged her back. Her dark brown coat was a lot warmer than the cold surroundings and I couldn't help but notice that she smelled like lemons and jasmines.

She smelled like home.

A small wave of sadness washed over my heart when I thought about home, about New York. It was probably the homesickness kicking in. But then again, being here right now, so many miles away from home, felt a little easier to breathe.

"So how was your trip?" Luce asked as she pulled away with a grin that mirrored my own. The Luce I remembered from ten years ago did not have freckles, not the ones softly dusted across the bridge of her nose right now. I didn't even remember hearing that strange lilt of an accent in her voice.

She had changed. I don't know why I felt surprised. Didn't everyone always?

"Tiring." I sighed. "That one lady in the plane who sat on my right had a baby with her. And I can safely say that he was a bitch too."

Her eyes widened slightly before another laugh left her lips. Something swelled inside my chest, an incredibly happy feeling.

"I really hope you don't go around calling everyone a bitch at the sanitarium." She added, taking hold of my bag from me. "That won't be very ethical."

"I know." I smiled reassuringly at her. "I'm pretty sure I know enough about ethics, Luce."

°°°°°

The city of Camberley was beautiful.

Even if I was seeing most of it from inside a cab, it still felt beautiful. Tall Victorian buildings lined both sides of the road. Each street was crowded with people, with most of them just beginning to start the new day.

I realized how early it was right then when I switched on my phone. I also realized that I had plenty of unopened messages, most of which were from my two dear friends, Tara and Steph, and the others were mostly from my family.

Later, I told myself. I'd reply to them later. Mainly because right then I couldn't take my eyes off from the strangely new surroundings.

It was a bright morning with a crisp chill in the air. I couldn't help but lean back on the worn-out leather seat of the cab and breathe out a small, content sigh.

"You'll love it here," Luce spoke up beside me. It was a bit strange to hear her talk in such a posh way. When I pointed that out to her, she told me that I might just need to get used to it. After all, I was in Camberley, a city that depicted old England itself.

"I know." I smiled back at her. I couldn't stop smiling. "This place reminds me of those based on a true story horror movies. And I love horror movies."

She rolled her eyes but kept smiling nonetheless.

I wasn't lying, though. This part of the town did look like it was from one of those old black-and-white movies. Old England, that's what Luce told me. At that moment, all I could really see was the fresh wave of autumn spreading over the tall oak trees.

It was beautiful.

When we reached the apartment, Luce's apartment, I was a bit taken aback by the messed up state of it.

"Pardon me for the state of this place," Luce said as I dumped down my luggage on the plush, peach carpet. "I assumed that you wouldn't really care so..."

"You make such grotesque assumptions."

She turned towards me, stopping midway from taking off her dark overcoat. "Really?"

"No. I was kidding." I cracked a grin. "It's totally fine with me." I usually never cared about tidiness. Especially not here, not now, when the warmth of the apartment seemed to invite me to doze off immediately.

"We've got to catch up on loads of things, Lia. I've got so much to tell you." She walked around her small kitchen, putting various things away and trying to make space at the same time. I had always considered her a neat freak, and she probably even was, but the state of her apartment was strangely the opposite.

Not that I was complaining.

I stepped inside the lounge and couldn't help but smile at the atmosphere here. It wasn't really lively, but it was warm and there were so many family photos adorning the walls, a fireplace (that didn't seem to be working, but still), and a large, plushy couch. That seemed to be everything I needed in that moment.

"I like your place," I murmured before plopping down on the couch, letting the numerous soft cushions engulf me like my own personal teddy bears.

"I'm so excited to show you the places here. You're going to absolutely love the Great Library. And the hospital, you're going to love everyone there." She kept on rambling as she tried pulling her brown hair--which was starting to go a bit frizzy--into a very messy bun.

"Oh, and remind me to introduce you to Mrs. Hutchins. She's the next-door neighbor and she would love to meet you." She added.

I kept on nodding as the couch further pulled me in.

Luce kept on talking for the next few minutes and I couldn't help but think how quickly my life seemed to be a little less of a burden than a few days ago. I'd been in a small, secluded town on the outskirts of New York just a day ago, going through that last painful day of my first year of A levels, trying to juggle my family problems in one hand and my excited state in the other. And now I was here, in England, and I knew nobody here except Luce. That's mainly what was exciting me so much. I knew nobody here, nobody knew me. There were so many exciting opportunities waiting here for me.

A whole vacation away from home.

"Oh shit." Luce cursed and I broke out of my happy-land. "I didn't get the time to pick up grocery. We might need to eat out today. Sorry."

I eyed her funny. "Why are you apologizing?"

She remained silent and blinked at me as if the answer was obvious enough. When I still remained clueless, she patiently pointed it out to me, "I thought you knew how much I hate eating food that isn't homemade."

Of course, I remembered that. I think.

"Oh." I raised my brows. "I must've forgotten."

She narrowed her eyes ever so slightly before they trailed lower down my face, almost examining my entire form. I knew that look. I also knew what was coming next. I'd grown a whole lot accustomed to what came next when somebody looked at me like that. And that was merely why I shrank further into the couch, wishing for one whole second that I could truly disappear.

But then again, if I were to disappear from here, where else would I go?

"God, you need to eat more." She frowned at me. "Haven't you been eating lately? You look--"

"I know," I said a little too abruptly before forcing a grin on my face, which obviously must've come out tired due to the jetlag and all. "So, where are we going? I'm starving. Any fancy places that you want to take me to?"

If she noticed my obvious attempt to change the topic, she didn't say anything about it. Instead, her lips quirked up in a smile as she eyed me, a look that I wished not to decipher.

"I've got a place in mind."

***

Turns out I didn't know my very own sister. Maybe that was because we were half-sisters (something that just felt weird to say out loud).

When Luce said we were going to her favorite fast-food restaurant, I thought it was the food that might be her favorite (I clearly forgot, again, that she wasn't into fast food. I mean, who isn't into fast food? Everyone loves fast food!). But no, not the fast food, it was the waiter--who I must admit was a bit hot--that seemed to be her favorite.

"A bit? He's plenty hot, Lia." Luce gushed just as the waiter-dude left after taking our orders.

"It's plenty gross to watch you ogling out a guy," I told her, almost gagging, and she laughed.

Once our food came by and I had halfway stuffed the cheeseburger down my throat, I realized that not just the waiter, but the food here was pretty amazing too.

"So," Luce initiated, wiping her fingers on a white napkin. "How's everyone doing back there?"

I only eyed her silently since my mouth was still full.

"At your home." She added. "How's Mom doing?"

I took my time to chew on my food, pondering over her words and how she had entirely eliminated the fact that it was her home too. But maybe she was right, maybe it wasn't really her home.

"She's doing good." I shrugged. "Everything's the same actually. Mum's still mostly busy with the shop." I didn't know whether I should've told her about the others. Did she want me to tell her about my dad?

"Mason? Is he still in that all-and-every video game phase?" She asked me when I glanced up at her, noticing the slight glint of affection in her eyes.

Luce wasn't really that close with the rest of our siblings. I couldn't really remember her and Helen (my other sister) going along. Luce and my dad were the same too. But she cared about Mase (my little brother), and maybe that was because Mason loved talking to her over the phone whenever I used to call Luce. Mason loved talking to anyone and everyone.

"He's still the same." I smiled at the mention of him. I could still see his teary face when he found out I was leaving for England. Of course, he hadn't admitted that he'd miss me, but he had been sad and that was enough to warm my heart. The closest to a decent relationship I had with any of my siblings.

"And well, Helen's the same too. Still into studies and boys and all that other university stuff. She can be a bitch sometimes, but I'm sure that's nothing surprising for you."

Once I had finished the last bits of my burger, I realized that Luce was staring at me. And when I looked into her green eyes, it took every bit of my self-restraint to not tell her that I absolutely despised when people stared at me like that.

"What?"

"Nothing." She replied and looked away.

"Just because you're a psychiatrist, you can't go around staring at people, you know," I frowned then. "Actually, I'm pretty sure you should know not to stare at people since you're a psychiatrist."

She laughed softly. "I feel like that is a part of my job."

I couldn't help but look at her in disbelief.

"To stare people down."

"I'm sure it makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable."

She hummed in response and eventually waved off the topic. "So, what plans do you have for the sanitarium?"

I leaned back in my seat and stretched out my legs. It had been a tiring flight, all right.

"What do you mean?" I inquired a bit worriedly. "I'm just supposed to...take care of people, right?"

A part of me felt anxious when I thought about it--talking to strangers--but then again this volunteering program was basically the only reason I got to come here in the first place. And even though socializing wasn't really my forte, especially in a hospital, I think I was pretty good at helping people. Or at least, that's what Mum says.

A small groan slipped past my lips when she gave me that look again, the judgemental one.

"Ophelia," She said. "I'm serious."

I groaned again, this time at the name. I knew damn well she was being serious. But it also didn't mean I appreciated it when she called me that. I hated my name (all credits to Mum, of course. She doesn't even like Shakespeare!).

"The Oak Valley Sanitarium rarely ever holds these kinds of volunteering internships." Luce pointed out. "The hospital's known for a lot, you can't just mess up in there."

I was offended. "Why would I mess it up?"

"I'm not saying that you will." She shook her head. "I'm just saying that you need to be careful with everyone there. I might not be able to help you if one of my colleagues think you're a shit volunteer."

"Wow, thanks."

She must've noticed the look on my face, which was a mix in between surprise and disappointment (mostly at myself) because she laughed.

"Look, I know you'll be fine. You're great when it comes to people and that's exactly why I told you about this volunteering program."

I sighed and nodded.

"Besides, I know you needed some time away from...there." She said and she was eyeing me again and I was starting to hate everything around me.

"Yes." That was my only reply.

Before she could've said anything else, which I really wasn't ready to hear, her ringing phone interrupted the both of us. I watched her as she took it out of her pocket and answered the call.

In the meantime, I let my eyes wander across the restaurant, which now was halfway occupied with people. Morning chatters echoed from every direction and it almost gave me a feeling of home. But at the same time, this place was nowhere similar to my hometown. That town felt like a burden. This place felt like a relief.

Maybe I shouldn't decide on that so quickly, I thought.

"Yes...Yeah." Luce was nodding by the time my eyes found her once again. By her way of speaking, I realized that it must be a call from her work. "No, I can definitely come by. No problem."

Once she had ended the call, I waited patiently for her to tell me what the urgency on her face was all about. I hoped she'd tell me herself and I wouldn't have to ask, because then it would make me sound like I was intruding. And I wasn't meaning to intrude.

"I'm so sorry, Lia. I've got this call from the hospital and...I might need to leave. Like right now." She seemed genuinely apologetic when she spoke up, almost as if she wished she could take back those words. It felt a bit nice to know that she had been looking forward to spending some time with me.

So I just shrugged. "Okay. No problem."

Except that it was a problem. I wanted her to stay. She was the only person I knew here. I needed to catch up with her, for all those times she wasn't there at home. And I didn't want to be alone, not when I'd been alone for the entire plane ride.

"I am sorry, Lia." She repeated. "I'll try to be back by evening, but I can't be sure--"

"It's fine." I gave her a reassuring smile. "I can go sightseeing by myself, Luce." Hoping that I didn't end up getting lost.

She smiled but it seemed a little sad. Could she sense that I was lying?

"Are you sure you won't get lost?"

"Of course not." I waved it off like it was the most stupid thing she could've said. "I know this place like the back of my hand."

I was wrong. Obviously.

Because I did get lost.

Good thing was that I didn't really panic (which was a surprise since I panicked on the littlest of things.). Bad thing was that I didn't have a map with me, or Google Maps even since my phone's battery was near nonexistent by then. Just my luck, I know.

I wasn't aware of a single street in this town, and I was stranded in the middle of nowhere.

I could've asked anyone to point me in the right direction, but apart from my time-to-time anti-socialness, talking to people here proved out to be a lot harder than back in my hometown. It was a bit embarrassing to admit that I couldn't understand half of the stuff the people said here, all because of their very posh accents. It was a little hard to get my head around it. Most of their accents were heavier than a normal British one.

All this was really starting to feel like a real nightmare until I came across a huge, old Victorian building with two doors in the front. When I looked up, I had to squint a little to read the deeply carved words.

The Great Library.

Anyone could've seen the obvious relief on my face. It was a library. Libraries were places for the homeless, I-lost-my-way-because-I'm-dumb pieces of shits like me. I was meant to come here.

That's exactly why I went inside. Also, I was hoping the librarian would be kind enough to let me make a call, hopefully to Luce, so that I could not-so gladly tell her that I'd lost my way and would need her to pick me up from the library once her shift was done.

Until then I was happy to spend the rest of my day in here.

To my expectations, the library was huge, larger than any library I had ever been into. The interior was filled with tall, black shelves that circled around a few tables and chairs. My eyes darted across the numerous books and I couldn't help but feel this sudden excitement rushing through me.

I loved libraries. They were warm and cozy (and mostly devoid of any other human being) and they were just a happy place to be in.

"Um, hello," I spoke up once I was standing in front of the librarian's old wooden desk, assuming that was the librarian.

The old woman looked up from her papers and eyed me warily for a second, before breaking into a smile. "Hello, young lady. Lost your way?"

I tried not to stare at her in awe. How did she know?

"You're new here, aren't you?" She pushed aside her spectacles and gave me another warm smile. Her hair was streaked black at some edges but other than that they were just white, tied up into a neat bun. "Most of them end up here when they're lost."

I couldn't help but smile at that. Also, I could make out what she was saying just fine and that was a huge relief.

"Yes, actually. I was trying to find my way back to my apartment but I lost track of the streets. And everything is so...new here." I wanted to say strange but I did not want to offend her.

She nodded understandingly. "Ah yes, I understand, honey. I'm Mrs. Hutchins. Though you can call me Vera."

Vera. Mrs. Hutchins.

"Oh." It came out loud, and that was me breaking the most important rule in a library. I lowered down my voice and added, "You're Luce's neighbor?"

Mrs. Hutchins blinked. "Luce?"

"Luciana."

"Oh, yes." She nodded a bit confusedly and then realization flitted across her features. "Are you the sister who was supposed to arrive today?"

"From New York, yes." I was pleased to meet someone who I was supposed to meet eventually. And it also warmed my heart a little bit more when I realized that Luce talked about me to her neighbor.

She kept aside her paperwork and stood up. She was a short woman, but her smile was very contagious.

"It's lovely to meet you, dear." She spoke up as her eyes raked across my state. "I must say that you and Luciana look nothing alike."

I simply shrugged at that. It wasn't that easy to go around telling people that Luce was my half-sister. No one had ever really asked since Luce and I were never really around--until now.

"Never mind. Where are my manners? Come on, I'll show you around. Luciana told me that you'd absolutely love this library."

Mrs. Hutchins was nice. The library was nicer.

I didn't even see the time passing by as she took me from one shelf to another. There was even a nice garden at the back of the library which I'm sure Mum would've died to come across. It had all kinds of flowers. I promised to take some photos (not the polaroid camera I'd brought along in my luggage, but from my phone) and send them to her later. I knew she'd love them.

It was when Mrs. Hutchins had to take care of something at the front, that she left me alone. She was kind enough to let me call Luce and even though Luce sounded busy and distracted, she promised to pick me up on her way back.

I spent that time taking out various books from the shelves and dwelling in them. I came across many old leatherbound books, and even though I never really liked to ponder over historic events, those books still had something intriguing about them.

There was mostly no one else besides me in the library. Even if anybody came by, they were too quiet for me to even notice their presence.

Luce was right; I already loved this place.

I settled down on one of the tables at the back, flipping across the pages of a thick brown book that had some strangely interesting facts about this town. A few minutes later, my entire table was swarming with books like such. One look at me and my inner-nerd secret would be out.

But then again, who came to a library and wasn't a little bit of a nerd?

That's exactly when I heard it.

A light melodious tune, one that seemed to be coming from a guitar. I knew because I loved guitars.

My eyes widened a little and I'm pretty sure I felt my ears perking up. It was such a soft, beautiful tune. Closing the book in hand and slipping down from the table, I looked across the library for the source. I wanted to know where it was coming from.

As I crept closer towards the anonymous guitarist, I couldn't help but notice the slow, soft notes of it. The more I listened, the more I realized how strangely sad it sounded. A haunting melody. It sounded right out of a horror movie.

Yet I couldn't help but want to listen more. More of it.

I stopped in front of the last library shelf, almost near the back door. For a second, I thought the music might be coming from outside. After all, why would anyone be playing music inside a library? But as I inched closer towards the last tall shelf, I saw a silhouette hunched over one corner.

I stopped when the boy was right in front of me.

He must've sensed me too since he looked up from the dark brown guitar in his hands, and stopped playing the beautiful tune.

"I'm sorry." He blurted out.

"What?"

Now that I noticed more closely, he looked a year or a two younger than me. And he was wearing a dark brown hoodie with some torn black jeans.

"For what?" I corrected myself a little incredulously. "That was beautiful! Do you play guitar often?"

See? In moments like such, my anti-socialness left the goddamn country.

He was still staring at me and I couldn't help but stuff my hands inside my pockets. Why did everyone here stare at you? Was this a British thing?

"Yes." He said and leaned back a little, curling his fingers around the guitar's neck. "Are you American?"

I nodded with a small smile.

"Oh. That's why you're speaking like that."

I nodded with another smile.

"I'm not supposed to play this here. Grams doesn't really appreciate that," He said, then stopped. "You must've met her at the front."

I nodded again, and I really needed to stop. "The librarian? Yes. Do you sing?" I was bubbling with questions. I wanted to know how he could play that guitar so incredibly. I wanted to know how long it took him to learn to play that guitar. I wanted to know if what he was playing just now was something that he wrote himself.

"Not really. A street musician." He finally cracked a smile and my own grew a little more.

"That's cool. What were you just playing?" I couldn't help but ask. It was just so beautiful. And a really small part of me wanted to hear those few musical notes again.

He looked down at his guitar before taking out a small folded paper from his pocket. Once he handed it out to me and I was holding it in my hands, I realized that it seemed very old and chalky.

I opened the paper and saw the intricately written music notes. I looked up at him cluelessly.

"I found it in one of the old books on that shelf. I wasn't the one who wrote it, but I think somebody else did." He stated. Like Mrs. Hutchins, I could understand what he was saying just fine.

I slowly traced my thumb over the notes, finding myself wishing for probably the thousandth time that I knew how to write music. There was something enchanting about the whole prospect of writing music. "It's still cool that you can play it."

He responded with a small boyish grin. "I'm Rowan, by the way."

I couldn't help but mirror his grin with my own, especially because I couldn't believe I was making friends so quickly. Guess this town had its charm.

"I'm Lia."