forty six

"I wanted you

to see my heart."

Noah and I were silent on our way out of the studio. It felt like the more steps I took away from that place, away from Alastair, the more it seemed like something was slowly tearing me apart. Like an elastic band, it felt like I'd snap if I took another step away from him.

But the surprise still clouding my head kept me going.

Alastair wasn't dead. It wasn’t in my head. I wasn’t going insane.

“What's wrong?” Noah asked, breaking the silence.

I looked up at him and realised that I had stopped midway across the street. He was already standing by his car, waiting for someone. For me.

“Nothing.” I shook my head and walked towards him. “So. You wanted to see me. Why?”

Noah had changed out of the clothes I saw him wearing by my house. I hadn’t realised. “Why don't you get inside the car first?” He suggested.

I shook my head again. “I can’t. I’ve got to go back home. Besides, we didn’t...I didn't agree to this.” Whatever this was, I wanted to say. Why would I even get inside his car? What was he even expecting from that stupid kiss? For us to get back to normal like we were before?

It was all my fault. I made it more complicated, this...this thing between us, by kissing him like a stupid fool. Why did I keep doing that? Why did I keep messing things up for myself?

“I know.” He smiled, the smile that I knew he kept for his hookups. I wished he wasn't smiling. “Just half an hour. We’ll go someplace quiet. Just to talk, I promise.”

Just to talk. I didn’t know what exactly he was proposing by that.

I opened my mouth, probably to refuse when he beat me to it,

“Hey, give me a chance, will you?” He pleaded, looking at me from over the hood of his car. “I promise I won't try anything. If that's what you're so afraid of.”

I had to pull the ends of my coat closer against myself before I opened his car door and slipped inside. I knew this was stupid. That was probably the one recurring thing that I seemed to hate the most about myself these days. I knew this was stupid. I knew giving Noah a chance was an even more foolish thing to do. It was self-destructive and toxic what I was doing to myself.

But perhaps that's what I wanted right now. I found comfort in destroying myself. Why, I didn’t know. I never knew why.

It felt like I wasn't even in control of my mind or my surroundings anymore. I was slipping away and away towards numbness. It was scary. But wouldn’t it feel amazing when I finally grasped it, the numbness, and just stopped feeling altogether?

Sniffing, I leaned the side of my head against the window as Noah drove the car out of the street. I felt so cold. And I wished Noah would turn on the heater at least. He didn't though.

“So,” he started, glancing at me for a brief second before pulling his eyes back on the road. “Who was that guy?”

I closed my eyes. “I don’t know.”

“You looked like you knew him well back there.” He sounded confused. Curious too. “Haven't really seen him around here, now that I think about it.”

“He’s new.”

Noah hummed in response. “Well, how do you know him then?”

I shrugged. “I don't.” I think I did, but maybe I really don't.

He thankfully let go of the topic, even though I was sure he wanted to ask more. The drive went by in silence and I was relieved when I realised he was driving within town. Not somewhere unfamiliar--I didn't trust him enough for that.

“We’re here,” Noah announced right after stopping the car.

I looked out of the window and noticed an abandoned building in front of us. The streets were not nearly deserted but the building was. I recognised the construction site pretty quickly.

“You remember this place, don't you?” I felt Noah looking at me. I kept staring at the familiar structure in front of me, letting a few locked up memories resurface my head. “We came here when--”

“I remember.” I cut him off softly. “I remember this place.”

When Noah got out, I followed him out too. Under normal circumstances, I don’t think I would ever follow Noah, out of all the people, inside an abandoned (and mostly destroyed) building. But I did at that moment. I followed him right towards the small, rusted staircase that led up to the open roof of the building. I followed him until we were there. At the old, empty rooftop.

And then we both were sitting there at the edge, and he was right beside me, and I could feel our shoulders touching just a little. It was like old times. Except that I didn't want those old times to come back.

“I never really visited this place again,” Noah spoke, his eyes trained to the familiar picture in front of us.

It was a frozen picture, if not for the few people down there. You could see the back of the building from here. And an open sky. It wasn't beautiful. Nothing green or pretty or breathtaking. It was just plain and bare and muddy.

But it was quiet. Calm too. There was a kind of beauty in that alone. And then a thought hit me.

“You made me love rooftops because of this place,” I said, my eyes fixing on a pile of debris along one corner.

Noah smiled at that. “It's kinda scary, though.”

It was at first. Especially the first time he brought me here, years ago. I think I hated rooftops back then. But then I started coming here often or found other new rooftops like this, and every time I imagined Noah to be there with me. All until he left me behind. Like everyone else, I guess.

“Yeah,” I whispered. But weren’t beautiful things always a little scary?

We were silent for a few minutes. It strangely felt like I was falling and falling and falling. I didn't exactly know where though. I didn't think I cared either.

“We kissed, you know.” I tensed a little when he spoke. “I have a feeling you've been avoiding me since then.”

I sighed. I had been trying to avoid him from way before that. “I was drunk.”

“But you kissed me.”

I furrowed my brows at him. “My bad, Noah. But you shouldn't care.”

He had the decency to look offended. “Why not?”

“Because you don't like me enough to care when I kiss you or not.” I nearly exclaimed in frustration. “Why the fuck not, you ask? Shouldn’t you already know the answer to that? Is this another one of your ways to pretend that you want to date me, just because you need the attention of some hotter, much prettier girl in town?”

He frowned and looked away. “You're making me sound bad.”

A small laugh escaped me in pure disbelief, and I rubbed my eyes with my fingertips. God, this was stupid.

“Why are you laughing?” He asked.

I shook my head, closing my eyes. “You can't even admit that you were wrong back then. Must feel necessary to withhold that stupid golden boy reputation of yours.”

He scoffed. “I wasn't wrong back then. You know it was your fault too, right? You just...expected too much.”

“I always expect too much.”

He nodded. “See, not my fault.”

I exhaled heavily and looked away from him. Would things be easier if he was not like this?

“That's not what I wanted to talk about, you know.” He mumbled.

I nodded, wrapping my arms around myself. I wanted to curl up here and just lie down. Fall asleep for a long long time.

“I get that you're angry with me,” He added. “But why can't we just leave it behind? It happened years ago. And I do like you, Lia. We can move on.”

There we go, I thought. Another person telling me to move on. How easy was it to say that? Move on. Like you could just erase the past and move on to a blank new page. How did you do that?

“What do you want me to say?” I asked him quietly.

“That you'd give me a chance? Give us a chance?”

Us.

“I can't do that.”

I heard him sigh heavily. “Okay. Well then, at least try pretending that you can be around me. You always seem so scared when you see me. Except for that one night when you were drunk.”

I blinked back the tiredness.

“All right.” I nodded, and I felt awfully empty from the inside. “We can move on.”

Like I said, sometimes I wasn't even sure that I had control over my own self anymore.

******

Alastair texted me during my Chemistry class. I didn't open the text, not until lunch, when all four of us (Tara, Steph, Nora, and I)  were huddled on one of the cafeteria tables out in the open. Not until I felt like I needed something to pull me out of the disturbing conversation all three of my friends were indulged in.

“No, I'm telling you!” Tara exclaimed quietly, her eyes wide. “Alicia told me that she saw Casey and Brandon getting all steamy in one of the rooms at Brian’s party. She even recorded a video of them.”

“Damn,” Nora replied, managing to sound the least bit interested and quite the opposite at the same time.

Steph had her eyes wide too. “I did not see this coming.”

“Are you all just ignoring the fact that Alicia is a creep?” I looked at all three of them.

Nora laughed shortly before taking a bite of her apple. “That's not news, Lia.”

Tara nodded, still sympathetically patting Steph on the shoulder. Apparently, Steph had this year-long crush on Brandon. Steph fell in love with the most unexpected people. It was kind of endearing in a way.

I tuned them all out and opened my texts, my eyes stopping at the one unknown number that was probably Alastair’s. He must’ve changed his number since I didn’t recognise it.

“What are you staring at?” Nora asked me over Tara and Steph's rambling.

I didn't bother looking up at her from my phone. “Nothing.”

I felt her peeking over my shoulder way before I could have switched off my phone. She raised her brows at me then.

“Is that him?” She looked up at me. I had told Nora bits about what had happened at the studio. Not everything, but the few important things. “He’s texting you. And you are contemplating.”

Just to prove her wrong, I opened the text.

Unknown: are you free right now? -Alastair

“Did you talk to him?” Nora asked me quietly, still slowly chewing on her apple. “You know, you didn't tell me what you guys talked about at the studio. Did he tell you why--”

“No.” I cut her off. She raised her brows at me again. “Noah came by. I left with him.”

She took her time to digest what I had just said and when I glanced up at her she was staring at me like I had grown three heads.

“You're telling me,” she leaned closer towards me, her voice dangerously low, “that you chose Noah over him? The guy that you love? The guy that you thought was dead, but who isn't? The guy who you haven't seen for almost a year now?”

Her voice rose a notch with every question. I cringed.

“I can’t...I don’t expect you to understand.”

She frowned at me. “Of course I don't understand. That doesn’t mean I can’t tell when you’re making a big mistake. What the hell is wrong with you?”

A small lump formed in my throat when I heard her asking me that. Instead of saying anything, I looked down at my phone and typed a quick reply.

Me: I’m at college. Won't be free for a while.

Nora sighed and looked away, busying herself with Tara’s line of conversation again. I wished she didn't do that. I wished she wasn’t pissed at me. But wasn't that my fault? Hadn't I been giving clueless, blunt answers to her or everyone else these days? It wouldn't be their fault--Nora’s fault or my mum’s fault or anyone else’s fault--if they stopped caring.

A small shiver went through me right when another text from Alastair popped up on my screen,

Unknown: Okay. When will you be free then?

I thought about it. I thought about it for a little too long.

Me: Not today. I don’t think I'll be free today.

I lied.

******

I spent the next three days either cooped up in my room or at the college studying. I was studying most of the time, and not because the annual mock exams were coming up. But because that seemed to be the only way everyone left me to myself.

Mum didn't pester me on being inside my room most of the day. Mason and Helen stayed away. My friends didn't seem to catch up on it either, not when I had my face stuffed in one textbook or another.

Even Noah stayed away. Well, he did ask me thrice to hang out with him. One time at the bowling alley with his friends. The second time to the neighbourhood park, alone with him. And the third time to a party (which was tonight).

I refused every time.

But with Alastair, it was different. I found myself pretending for some reason that I didn't see his texts. He did text me, but not as frequently as before. It ached inside me when I realised he was giving me space.

But what if I didn't need space? What if I was doing all this, pushing people away, without really meaning to? Why couldn’t I make up my mind? Why was I doing any of this when I knew where it would eventually lead me to?

“Lia!” Helen exclaimed and I jumped a little in surprise. “What the hell is your problem?”

I didn't realise what exactly I had done wrong, not until I noticed a large smudge of gold paint on my sweater, right below my elbow. I looked up at Helen and she was seconds away from shooting daggers at me.

“I asked you to do one thing and stay the fuck away from this banner.” She seemed angry. I would be too, I realised, if I was her. “God, if my hands weren't so full right now, I’d actually kill you!”

Okay, yeah, that was a little too mean. But still, I couldn’t blame her. I knew how hard she had been working on this banner, for almost a whole week now. She had been making this banner for one of the music clubs she attended (one that she had made with a few of her friends this year). Helen had somehow found this newfound infatuation with playing electric guitars, hence the music club. I didn’t understand how she got time for all this, including all the parties she went to, and still keep up with her uni work.

I once again looked down at the banner which was spread out on the tiny balcony floor. I was truly a little mortified when I realised that I had ruined a big chunk of its painted part.

“I'm sorry.” I frowned down at the paint on my elbow. It looked funny. “I didn't see--”

“Yeah, no wonder everyone is staying away from you these days. You just fuck everything up.” Helen hissed with a dirty frown in my direction before huffing and rolling up her sleeves, carefully trying to pick up the banner and get it out of here before I, I guessed, accidentally ruined it any further.

It shouldn't have bothered me. What she had said, I mean. It never did. I was used to having Helen snapping at me most of the time. I did that to her most of the time too. We didn’t really have a decent sibling-to-sibling relationship.

Still, it didn't help at the moment.

I left Helen after murmuring another small sorry and headed for my room, closing the door behind me. It was nearly past evening and I was sure Mum would be coming upstairs to find out what the shouting was all about.

At least I wouldn't be out there, I thought.

That didn't help either. The small sinking feeling in my stomach slowly started growing and growing and I was tired. Maybe Helen was right. I pushed everyone away. I fucked things up all the time. I just...I didn't know anything anymore. I wasn't sure about anything anymore. Everything was just there, and then there was me, a tiny dot in the distance. And I had no idea what to do.

I had my face pressed into my pillow and I was curled up in a fetal position on my bed when someone knocked on my bedroom door.

“Lia, why is your door locked?” Mum asked from the other side.

I opened my mouth to reply but a small, muffled sob came out instead. I quickly pressed my face back into the pillow. God, I felt too exhausted to even care that my mum was waiting for an answer. I was losing my fucking head.

“Lia?” She sounded concerned now. “Lia, sweetie, open the door.”

No. No. No. What was the point?

“I’m...fine,” I shouted, my voice breaking in between. I'm pretty sure Mum heard it too.

“Lia, let me in.” She said, her voice lowering to a soft one. “What's wrong, sweetheart? Is it about Helen? You know she didn't mean whatever she said, right?”

So she had heard it. Did she think I was becoming a mess too? Messing myself up and everything around me? Did Mum look at that ruined banner of Helen’s and wondered how much of a disappointment I was becoming? Did Mum still look at me as a disappointment just like Dad did sometimes?

Wrapping my arms a little tighter around myself, I closed my eyes and caved into myself.

I don't know how long Mum stayed. She must've left after a few minutes when I didn't say anything. Everyone left eventually. And the saddest, most infuriating part was that I wasn’t even sure if I wanted them all to leave me in the first place. That alone made me want to pull my hair out.

After an hour or two, when I thought I was done crying and felt pretty done with myself, I splashed some cold water on my face and exited my room. No one was outside in the lounge, all except for Mum in the kitchen.

“Mum,” I said.

She spun around, her eyes widening a little when she saw me. She placed down the wooden spoon from her hand, wiped her hands with the dishtowel, and stepped towards me.

“Honey,” She was frowning, her hand reaching up to brush softly against my cheek. “Is everything all right? What's wrong?”

I hesitantly shook my head, pulling away.

“I...uh, there's this party happening tonight. Can I go?” I asked her, my eyes drifting towards the pot on the stove. I didn't know what she was cooking, but it smelled nice. Too bad I wasn’t hungry.

“A party?” She was still frowning. “Lia, I don't think that’s wise, sweetheart.”

“Why not?”

She sighed. “Well, will you get drunk?”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m eighteen, Mum. I wouldn't be asking you for permission. But I am. Shouldn't that count as something?”

Mum looked worried. I wished I hadn’t said those specific words.

“Is Nora going to be there with you?” She asked, her voice still soft and maybe a little cautious too.

“Yeah,” I said. It wasn't a lie. Nora just didn't know that I'd be there too. To her, I was busy studying at home. “She'll be there.”

Mum nodded, still not looking completely satisfied. “And you'll return before midnight?”

I shrugged. “I'll maybe sleep over at someone’s house. I don't know. But I’ll...I’ll let you know.”

That, and sending her the exact location of the party, was enough to convince Mum. Then I opened Noah’s recent text and told him that I had changed my mind.

I was going to the party with him.