31. Was It Hell After All

A monster. A murderer.

That's what you are, little one.

Look what you've done.

You killed!

Finally!

Elisa swifts in her bed, unable to wake up already. She knows this is a nightmare. Yet, she can't get herself to wake up. She also doesn't see anything. But she can hear everything. The handler her voice echoes and echoes while darkness surrounds Elisa completely. There's not a single light, and for a second, Elisa tells herself that she deserves this. After all, she did kill. She did murder.

The wind howls, making Elisa crawl away . . . But to where? It's all darkness, and it feels as if the wind is everywhere. The howling sounds all around Elisa. Where can she go? Nowhere. If the Commission's cell felt like hell to her, then she was so very wrong. It was nothing! Absolutely nothing! This is on the other hand . . .

This does feel like hell.

And just as she realizes so, a light appears. A sob sounds, and Elisa realizes it is her own. There it is, the light. It's hard not to see, really. It's a lantern like light floating around in the dark. It should light up everything, but it doesn't. Instead, everything around it stays dark, black.

Elisa her eyes narrow at the light. She follow every movement of it, too. It moves slowly, but oh so gracefully. It even makes several twirls, making Elisa tilt her head to the side. What is it? She doesn't know. It's too far away to know.

That's why Elisa sits up, presses her knees against her chest. She also curls her arms around her waist, needing her body heat to stay exactly where it is. If she wouldn't do so, she's sure to freeze to death. That is if she isn't dead already. Surely you've got to be dead to wake up in hell? Or is everyone wrong? Is hell somewhere you can wake up in anytime?

A shiver goes down Elisa her spine, and she tightens her grip around her waist in reaction. It can be hell. After all, a monster deserves to land in hell. A murderer deserves to rot away in a place like that. She deserves to suffer.

The light is closer now, and Elisa concentrates on every movement it makes. Watching the glow makes her forget a little about the darkness around her, so her eyes don't leave it. They stay on it, watch it, focus on it.

And then it's right in front of her. It's as if it has seen her, too. As if it's coming right at her. Not in a frightening way, though. It circles towards her, and it lowers and lowers in the air.

Then it lands right in front of her.

At first, the glow is too much for Elisa her eyes to handle. That is why she has to close them for a few seconds. Then, she forces them open, curious what the light is here for. Why it came to her rescue. When her eyes have gotten a little more used to the light, she can finally see what it is.

A fire. It is a fire.

Elisa should be scared, she realizes. But she isn't anywhere close to being afraid. Instead, she uncurls one arm, and her hand comes closer to the fire. Immediately, the fire radiates warmth, and Elisa sighs in relief. Warmth. At least she won't suffer of the cold any longer, and she's grateful for that.

"Why are you here?" Elisa murmurs, knowing very well the fire won't answer her. But it is the question that has been zooming around her mind ever since the fire appeared out of thin air.

Not able to stop herself, Elisa lets her hand go closer to the fire, to the warmth. It doesn't burn her, not even close. Actually, it stays the same warmth it was before—even when she's so close to touching it.

Then why not touch it, she wonders. If she's already dead, nothing can hurt her anymore except for her own guilt, right?

With her index finger, she goes right into the dancing flame. Nothing happens, making Elisa frown. So this really is hell? It is weird, Elisa must admit. That she doesn't burn.

Then something does happen. In fact, everything happens. The flame disappears. And that in thin air. It doesn't start floating in the air again. No, this is like a magic trick that a magician would do. The one second the fire is dancing around Elisa her finger, and the next one, it is gone.

Darkness takes over again.

Elisa swallows, looking around, hoping to spot the fire again. She needs it to come back, warm her up, because the cold is threatening to make Elisa a statue already.

"Please," Elisa begs, still knowing that no flame can understand a word she says. But she needs it to come back again. It can't leave her alone, too! In this darkness. In this hell. "Please. Please. Please."

Then it happens.

Elisa her jaw drops to the ground.

Thousands of teeny tiny flames are dancing around her. Elisa watches them all in awe. They dance around her, lighting up this hell.

The darkness disappears oh so quickly. It is still there, though Elisa doesn't notice it anymore. The flames have her complete focus. She can't think of anything else as they circle around her. As they float in the air.

It takes her at least a minute to loose the slightest bit of interest in the amazing spectacle everywhere around her. But when she does, Elisa her eyes flicker down to her own body. Thanks to the many flames, she isn't cold anymore. Her other arm has freed her waist, too, and her hand is now resting in her lap.

Elisa her eyes flicker to her other hand, and realizes . . .

She realizes that this is her.

Of course this body is hers—there's no doubt about that. But that isn't what she meant. No, the flames are hers.

She created them.

In her free hand, the one that her eyes have just fallen on, dances the slightly bigger flame. It does so slowly, dancing more gracefully than a minute ago, when it was in front of Elisa. Every twirl caresses her skin. The flame even zigzags around her fingers, but it returns to her palm afterwards.

How? Elisa doesn't know. Yes, she begged the flame to return, but she didn't create it at first, right? Elisa shakes her head, confused.

Her eyes stay on the flame in the palm of her hand. She lets her thoughts and fantasies wander. It brings her to all kind of places, but they all have something to do with the flame. And only one makes a little sense to her. Well, it doesn't—not really. But the moment she thinks of it, all her other thoughts magically disappear as if they didn't have any worth or truth in them at all.

Because this feels like the truth. Elisa can feel it in her bones. In her heart.

"You're me," she whispers quietly.

For the first time, the flame does react to her words. Its dance begins to quicken. The height of its jumps becomes higher every time.

At one point, it jumps too high to stay in Elisa her palm. That is why it leaves the safety of her hand. Instead, it lands on Elisa her elbow.

Now, it doesn't jump anymore. It still twirls, though. In no time, it starts to dance around Elisa her arm, making her smile in astonishment. With every twirl it makes, more and more of the strange but yet familiar energy rushes through Elisa her veins. Her hands start to shake softly, but Elisa doesn't notice this. Her eyes can't leave the flame that is now dancing upon her shoulder.

Then, it goes to her other shoulder. Again, Elisa follows it carefully. It is so careful, and yet, so dangerous. So Elisa.

Fire warms, but causes death and pain, too. This thought haunts Elisa . . . Because it is about Elisa. She can warm up people their lives, but she can cause death, too. She did it already. Immediately, her mood changes. Instead of joy, she now feels hatred . . . for herself. For her own soul. Her existence. Fire. That is what she is.

She stands up, narrowing her eyes at the fire on her shoulder.

The fire extinguishes when Elisa shakes it off her. All the other dancing flames disappear with it.

And then Elisa is all alone in the darkness again. This time, she doesn't care. The flame represented her soul, after all. She was always alone. The flame was her. There's no true difference now.

Her eyes widen at the realization. There's no true difference now. The fire was always a part of her since she got injected with the handler's serum. The monster was always inside of her.

There's no true difference now.

She succeeded in silencing the monster for so long and at such a young age.

There's no true difference now.

She can still do this. She can still push the monster away until it can't control her anymore. It isn't impossible.