Chapter 110 – Black Wood Ear Mushroom

I always thought the name “Henderson Department Store” was really strange. (TN: Henderson in Chinese is Heng Ji where the individual character Heng means everlasting and Ji is gay)

All throughout China, regardless if you’re a magician, a pianist, or a singer, if they get involved in a sex scandal with the opposite sex, they would feel embarrassed to walk the streets.

It seems Henderson Department Store is at the forefront of our current generation.

It’s fine just being ‘gay’, but to go as far as ‘forever gay’, are you planning on being ‘gay’ til the end of the world!

I hesitated in front of this gay department store and wasn’t sure if I should follow Xiao Qin inside.

There were people of all ages entering and exiting the building. Some were middle aged females carrying their child, some were elderly couples with white hair, some were same sex college friends, and flirting couples were also a common occurrence.

Amongst the crowd, we were the only ones wearing our uniform and carrying backpacks. You could immediately tell that we were students that just left school.

Since there were many young men among the customers, it made Xiao Qin a bit nervous, and she nestled against me without a word.

When she didn’t act crazy, she was pretty gentle and cute.

I stood in front of the department store without walking inside. Xiao Qin didn’t urge me either as if she was willing to accompany me for an eternity.

I thought about it and didn’t want to stand here and continue the shame play. There were already a lot of passersbys that were pointing at us.

There was an intellectual young married woman wearing glasses who told her elementary school age daughter:

“You see that? If you don’t work hard and study, you’ll only be able to find that kind of boyfriend in the future!”

Her daughter glanced at me and immediately started crying.

“Mommy~~mommy~~ that person is staring at me! Please don’t let me be taken by him, okay? I’ll definitely listen to mom! I’ll never get married in the future! I’ll design a rocket with mom and dad!”

It seems I inadvertently created an aeronautics engineer. I have no more regrets since I made such a large contribution to my country.

No regrets my ass! Why are you using me as a negative role model? Is there such a drastic contrast when I stand next to Xiao Qin? You guys haven’t seen her true self! Don’t think that she’s a cute and helpless-looking girl! Do you guys think that we’re together because I threatened her? Stop joking around! I was the one who was threatened by her to come to this gay store and buy a bra!

“Ye Lin classmate, can I grab on to you arms?”

Xiao Qin asked when she saw that most of the passing couples were locking arms.

I immediately fiercely refused:

“No! Stop getting ahead of yourself! You’re already lucky that I came with you!”

Xiao Qin lowered her head in a whimper as if she was the victim in a case of domestic violence.

Not far from us was pair of one tall and one fat otaku with thick, round glasses. After seeing how I treated Xiao Qin, they started furiously conversing with each other.

“Still not content with such a beautiful girlfriend! God is blind!”

“Exactly! We’re both wise and handsome yet we’re still single and can only jack off!”

The gaze they used to stare at me was filled with resentment and jealousy.

Resent my ass! Don’t just talk, if you had any skill come and steal Xiao Qin! I won’t stop you even if you flirt with her right in front of me! If you actually took Xiao Qin away from me, I won’t be angry, I’ll even visit your house with gifts!

I’m not sure if those two were too used to slandering on the net, but their voices were loud as if there was no one around. As they walked closer, they didn’t even lower their voice and the fat one continued to say:

“Hmph, the good meat is taken by dogs! A good bitch taken by dog…”

As I saw they were getting out of line, I started getting angry. I suddenly took a step forward and stared at them like a wolf.

Although they were both older than me and one of them was taller than me, I wasn’t afraid of them.

When I went to net cafes with Xiao Ding from the pet hospital, I’ve already seen the life of otaku.

For 24 hours, other than eating and using the washroom, they would spend their time online, gaming.

Some of them would even save time on their meals. They would pull all nighters for a week and only eat one cup of ramen per day and finally faint inside the washroom (It was Xiao Ding who called the ambulance)

If you abuse your own body like that, you can already expect the results.

That’s why when I made a ferocious appearance, those two ran away in a hurry. They had zero courage unlike me.

But after running a short distance they were still whispering to each other and I could faintly hear the words ‘black wood ear mushroom’ and other filthy obscenities. (TN: Black wood ear mushroom is a slang that refers to a girl’s vagina and how she has a lot of sex.)

I wanted to chase after them but Xiao Qin held on to me.

As if she was afraid of getting me mad, she quickly loosened her grip. But it seems she didn’t want to let go entirely, so she used her index finger and thumb to pinch onto my clothes thinking she wouldn’t be discovered.

Whatever, she kind of looks like a child who’s afraid of getting lost.

“Let’s stop wandering around and quickly find an underwear shop to buy what we need.”

A man should face reality. I wanted to delay not buying a bra, but it was only making it worse.

Xiao Qin who was holding a corner of my clothes suddenly asked: “What’s black wood ear mushroom?”

Based on her bewildered expression, it seems she actually doesn’t know.

Since her computer skills are terrible, she probably doesn’t surf the net that much. She even stayed for three years at home and lost touch with society, so it makes sense when she doesn’t understand certain slangs.

Especially since her main way of gathering knowledge is through Japanese shoujo manga, furthermore, they’re the official Hong Kong and Taiwan versions, so it’s impossible for those translators to use any coarse language. Unlike the domestic manga stand where they sell pirated copies, those are full of slangs and popular jargon. Regardless of whether their a Japanese high school student or a pistol wielding American space cowboy, they all speak like Zhao BenShan.

I prefer the latter translations since they’re more comedic.

After she saw me daze out for a while without answering, she asked again:

“Is black wood ear mushroom not food?”

In order to get my attention, she raised her voice and it attracted the people in our surroundings.

I thought it was extremely awkward and quietly told Xiao Qin:

“Well, you could call it food…”

“When I’m at KFC ordering, why do people snicker behind me when I order the fresh and tasty black wood ear mushroom?”

“Uhh…That KFC menu item is pretty funny, they even added ‘fresh and tasty’ in front….”

“Is fresh and tasty wrong? Isn’t the selling point of black wood ear mushroom is that it’s fresh and tasty?”

Xiao Qin blinked her large misty eyes.

“Well, it’s not wrong to say it’s fresh and tasty…”

“What’s wrong! Ye Lin classmate, why do you keep beating around the bush! Why can’t you just tell me!”

“Stop asking, it’s not something you should know.”

“Why can you know, but not me? Are you treating me like a child!?”

Xiao Qin was indeed like a child. Asking about black wood ear mushroom in public completely lacking in common sense, is something only a child would do.

“Once, when I was eating in the cafeteria, I asked the class leader about black wood ear mushrooms, but she asked me who I heard it from with a serious face….”

Does she even need to ask, that word is used all over the web, just don’t say you heard it from the news or something.

“I thought about it, but can’t really remember where I heard it from. I might as well just tell the class leader that I heard it from Ye Lin classmate!”

Can you have some integrity! Who said that to you! Can you not intentionally try to lower my position in the eyes of the class leader!

“The class leader’s complexion didn’t look good and she told me it was a bad word used to insult females. She said that Ye Lin classmate, who would randomly say it to females was a bad person and that I should keep my distance from you.”

The class leader isn’t wrong! No, I’m not talking about the part where she says I’m a bad person, I’m talking about the part where the black wood ear mushroom is a bad word and you shouldn’t try to get to the bottom of it!

“I must know, how does black wood ear mushroom insult girls! Is it the same thing as SB, but for girls?” (TN: SB is internet slang for idiot)

Xiao Qin became more stubborn and twisted my clothes until her fingers turned white.

“As an example, if the class leader called Ye Lin classmate an SB, then Ye Lin classmate can also call the class leader an SB. Both sides will be even and the class leader probably won’t be that upset. But if Ye Lin class mate called her black wood ear mushroom, since it’s targeted to girls, the class leader can’t rebuttal and she’ll become so upset.”

No, if I called her black wood ear mushroom, she’ll probably just slap me?

“Ye Lin classmate is so narrow minded! You and the class leader both clearly know what it mean, but you guys won’t tell me! If you don’t tell me, I’ll have to find the truth through tests!”

Huh? How would you put it to test? Some things are better not known! Black wood ear mushroom is black because of too much tests!

“Hmph~~Ye Lin classmate, do you see that couple who’s walking towards us? They look like university students, they must know more than me! I’ll go up to the girl and call her black wood ear mushroom, they definitely won’t put it to rest and they’ll curse back! Then I can obtain a lot of information and use it to analyze the meaning of black wood ear mushroom!”

I followed Xiao Qin’s line of sight and saw a male and female couple that stopped in front of a small jewellery stand. The male seemed a bit bashful and the female seemed pretty pure, this might be their first relationship.

Can you not destroy other people’s relationship! It’s hard going out on a date, how would they feel when you start cursing and insulting them!

“Wait! Don’t you have androphobia? That guy is pretty young, aren’t you afraid of facing him?”

“Um….With Ye Lin classmate next to me, I’ll have a bit more courage. Also, I’ll only be taking care of his girlfriend, I’ll let you handle him!”

“\(≧▽≦)/ Huhu, I’ve been anticipating a couple vs couple battle for a long time…”

What is there to look forward to! Also, who’s your lover!

“Hey, black wood ear mushroom, over here, the one wearing the scarf…”

The university couple turned around with an astonished expression and I quickly covered Xiao Qin’s mouth and forcibly pulled her away.

Finally, I told Xiao Qin to ask the school doctor, Chen YingRan. That female pervert will definitely tell you what it means.

It turns out Xiao Qin already asked before and she said it was a compliment and meant a girl was very attracting.

Well, from a certain perspective, it’s also not wrong… But Xiao Qin was definitely confused by the doctor and the class leader’s completely different answers.

Xiao Qin’s attention was finally diverted when we reached an underwear store.