Chapter 23 – Tiger Mom

Although she finished buying chips and cola, can she not find the checkout counter?

I understand getting lost on an unfamiliar road, but getting lost in a grocery store? How bad is your sense of direction! Can you find the stage when you go out to perform? Or are you saying that no matter the street or grocery store, the directions are all crystal clear in America? Even if it’s the same Wal-mart, does it become a maze after coming to China! You’re like a rat trapped in a maze, you’re going to die without any help!

I walked behind her and pretended to meet her accidentally.

“Ai Mi, you’re lost again, right?”

“Your, your mom is…” (ED: she literally says your sister, but your mom insults are more common in the west) Ai Mi spoke halfway then changed to say: “You…walk in front of me.”

I didn’t want to bicker, so I walked in front of her to lead the way. After walking for a while, her speed dramatically decreased. Her steps were originally small, I guess she tired herself out earlier when she was lost?

“I’ll help you push the cart.” I said as I grabbed the handles on her shopping cart.

She vigilantly shook, as if I was going to steal her chips and cola.

After thinking for a while she handed her shopping cart to me and walked by my side.

I put my own basket in the cart and pushed the shopping cart effortlessly. I purposely slowed down to match Ai Mi’s pace.

It seems like Ai Mi noticed and spoke to me in a softer tone.

“Can, can we go to the ‘back to school’ area first?”

“Sure, us celestial imperials are selfless model citizens.” I joked as I turned the shopping cart around.

Ai Mi put her hand behind her back and still had a skeptical gaze in her eyes.

“Umm, are you someone hired by Peng TouSi?”

“Who? I don’t know anyone with a surname of Peng.”

“Peng TouSi’s surname isn’t Peng” Xiao Mi had a sharp mouth like a small beast. “He’s my personal bodyguard, he’s tanned, buff and a lot taller than you!”

“Taller than Yao Ming?”

“No, not that tall…but he’s at least 2.05m. He was a consecutive champion in Russia’s death wrestling matches, and was nicknamed ‘Black Grim Reaper’!”

Hey, hey, hey, it sounds like you’re saying this Peng TouSi is a 2m tall, berserk bloodthirsty black boxer! Is it fine to hire such a scary person to be the bodyguard of your 10-year-old daughter? Compared to these foods labeled as junk food, Peng TouSi, someone nicknamed the grim reaper is clearly much more dangerous.

“Oh yeah, although he’s not as tall as Yao Ming, he’s killed someone before in an underground fight club!” Ai Mi flaunted in a lofty manner.

No matter what she doesn’t want to lose to anyone, even if she has to compare to a strange point. Are you in elementary school! I don’t give a damn if Peng TouSi has killed anyone before! Also, does it make him better than Yao Ming just because he’s killed before? You should know that the celestial empire is a land of martial arts, its the birthplace of Fist of the North Star. Who knows, maybe Yao Ming received a secret ‘Military Kill Fist’ from China’s council to protect himself in crime-ridden America. He just didn’t have a chance to use it! If he used it, he would definitely instantly vaporize his enemies with a flurry of fists.

“Hey, letting someone that dangerous be a bodyguard for her minor daughter, does your mom have a screw loose?”

“There’s nothing wrong with my mom’s head! She’s smarter than you!”

Director Cao also made a similar comment before.

“I’ll tell you this, Peng SiTou pissed off the mafia when he snuck into America and was gunned down by a machine gun into a hornet’s nest. It was my mom who picked him up off the streets! In order to repay my mom, he’s even willing to rip out his own heart!”

How dangerous is America! Not only that, but being able to be saved after becoming a hornet’s nest, is this really “America is the number one in medical science”?

“My mom doesn’t trust people easily and of course she would take my safety into consideration. The only reason she assigned Peng SiTou to me is that he’s gay, so he wouldn’t even think of touching me!”

“It just sucks that he’s too loyal to my mom. I had to spend a lot of effort to sneak out and buy chips.”

It sounds like he’s very suited to be Ai Mi’s bodyguard. Though I really can’t picture how a 2m tall gay black man is able to compete in a death wrestling match, wiggling around in a sweaty mess.

“He’s not only gay, he’s a number 0!” Ai Mi got increasingly complacent after seeing I wasn’t saying anything.

“What does 0 mean?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“It’s when they do it, he’s on the receiving end! The attacker is called 1, either way is 0.5. You don’t even know this, what are they teaching you here!”

It seems like you’re ridiculing the wrong side? What the hell is wrong with the American education system! Here, they’re bashful even talking about heterosexual love, they definitely won’t publicly talk about such high-level homosexual love!

After turning, because Ai Mi was walking on the outside she was left behind by me and tried hard to catch up.

“Wait, wait for me!”

I realized that I unconsciously started to walk faster, so I stopped and waited for her.

Because she was left behind by me, she had an angry expression.

“Hey, if you’re not sent by my mom and you’re not hired by Peng TouSi, then who are you?”

“What’s your guess?”

“…Stalker, or maybe paparazzi!”

Do you still have that kind of impression even after I helped you so much! You still can’t tell good from bad? Do you believe I won’t kidnap you right now and call Peng TouSi for ransom money?

“Hey, is this the gay Peng SiTou? Your young master is in my hands, and if you don’t transfer money to my family’s online store, I’m going to kill her.”

If Ai Mi still suspects me like that, I’m really going to make that kind of phone call!

Seeing my dissatisfied expression, Ai Mi supported her chin and made a thinking posture.

“If you’re not a stalker, paparazzi, or my mom’s lackey…does that mean you’re really Lei Feng?”

Even the selfish Americans know about Lei Feng? Comrade Lei Feng you can rest easy now.

“Um, although I’m not really interested, you should still tell me your name.”

“No need, us Lei Feng don’t leave our names when doing good deeds.”

“No way! You have to tell me! You already know my name!” Ai Mi relentlessly asked.

“Ok…I’m called Ye Lin, Ye from leaf, and Lin from QiLin.”

How do you write “QiLin”? Ai Mi said unhappily.

“If you have such a difficult name to write, it’s more troublesome for me to remember!”

There’s a limit to how unreasonable you can be! It’s a Chinese name, why would I care if an American can write it or not!

After we reached the ‘back to school’ area, Ai Mi looked around and then took 4, 5 checkered books to practice handwriting, and unwillingly threw it into her cart. (TN: pages probably look something like this, used to practice writing)

“Don’t buy it if you don’t want to! It’s like heaven and earth compared to when you were buying chips! Why are you forcing yourself to practice writing?”

I felt guilty when asking, it’s probably too late for my crappy handwriting even if I started practicing now, right?

“I don’t want to either, but I have to!” Ai Mi moaned dejectedly.

“Mom said in order to become more popular in the Asian market, I have to practice my penmanship and signature! I also have to mail her every week so that she can see if my penmanship improved or not!”

It was as if she was already tortured by her mom and she was almost going crazy. The more she spoke the more emotional she got, and she pointed to the cola in the cart.

“Other than chips, I’ve only been able to drink a sip of coke before! She always warned me to stay away from junk food, saying things like I’ll lose my health and figure if I touch junk food…even though the other kids are eating it, I want to eat it too! So, during my 8th birthday, while my mom wasn’t paying attention, I took a bottle of coke from a neighboring kid and…”

“What happened?”

“I just drank a sip, then my mom discovered and slapped me. The coke spilled all over me!”

“That is kind of a pity.” the more I heard the more problematic Ai Mi’s mom’s style of raising a kid became.

“Heng, even if that happened, I was still able to retrieve some by licking it off my clothes…”

Stop mentioning these types of past achievements! Is licking coke off of your clothes something to brag about!

“Anyways, my mom treats me the worst! Since childhood, she forced me to play piano, read literature, and didn’t allow me to play with other kids… if I didn’t finish my homework she would hit my hand, she controlled my life 24/7…”

“Is it that exaggerated?”

“It’s worse than you can imagine! She also said stuff like nurturing me to become an international idol…”

“Idols are welcomed, isn’t that good?”

I’ve never had the feeling of being welcomed, so I was a little bit jealous.

“I don’t want it! It’s tiring and bothersome to be an idol, if it wasn’t for my mom, I wouldn’t want to be an idol!” Ai Mi grabbed her hair tightly, it felt like she was becoming hysterical.

“I want to be a normal person! She can go be a superwoman herself! Wait and see! I’m definitely going to do something that will make my mom very angry… something that she will regret a lot.” Ai Mi gnashed her teeth as she swore in front of me.

I saw that Ai Mi didn’t need anything else so I waited for her to calm down, then lead her out towards the exit. It seems like Ai Mi isn’t as nervous and paranoid after all that venting.

I suddenly had a thought, the mom who treated Ai Mi so inhumanely, isn’t that what the Americans call the legendary “Tiger Mom”?

I was glad to have a father like that.

At least I was able to enjoy childhood as much as I wanted to.

Of course, if I wasn’t bullied by Little Tyrant, that would have been an even better childhood.

Let’s go to the checkout counter.