Chapter 11: HUGE X3: Chapter 11

“Oh my goodness, there is so much pink.” Walking into Carrie’s mom’s front room, I’m greeted by the full baby shower spectacular; pink balloons, pink streamers, pink gifts, pink cake.

“This is nothing,” Carrie says. “You should see what Eth and Nath have done to our spare room. I need sunglasses to walk into the nursery.”

“What?” the twins say in unison. “You mean you don’t love our decorating efforts?”

“Did I say that?” Carrie laughs. She rubs her huge belly absentmindedly. I haven’t seen her for a few weeks and she seems to have doubled in size. Mind you, if her boyfriends are anything to go by, her babies are likely to be big! I wince, thinking about what she is about to go through, twice! “Come and sit with me,” she says, patting the sofa cushion next to her. I’m early and most of the other guests who’ve arrived are family members, fussing over the food on the long trestle table.

I slump in next to Carrie and smile as Eth brings her a tall glass of water. Whenever I see them all together, they’re looking after her like she’s a princess.

“So, what’s been going on with you?” she asks. I’m quiet for a moment. It’s not the time or the place to be talking about what I’ve been facing, but I can’t lie to her now that she’s asked. This was what worried me about coming today, but she’s my best friend and there was no way I could make an excuse not to come.

“I’ve had some stuff going on,” I say. “I won’t tell you about it now but we can talk after, okay?”

Carrie looks at me with concerned eyes. We’ve been friends for so long that I know she’s trying to figure me out. I must be giving off bad vibes because she grabs my hand and squeezes it. “You’ll stay after everyone’s gone?”

“Yeah. Of course.” God, my throat burns from her concern. I swallow against the tears that want to spill. Kindness can hurt so badly sometimes.

I need a distraction so I hand her my gifts for the babies and tell her to open them before everyone arrives. I managed to get the cutest Wonder Woman onesies from Etsy, and a ‘Wonder mom’ tank that will look great on Carrie when she’s back to her usual size. I can’t stop looking at her giant bump. It’s like she’s been taken over by an alien infestation!

She gives me a hug and I cling to her warmth. My lovely friend is going to be a mommy. It seems crazy, but she’s going to do great, and with her two sexy boyfriends looking after her, I know she’ll be well supported.

“So, I have a confession,” I whisper as she folds her gifts.

“What. Tell mommy!” We both burst into fits of giggles.

“I had my own bit of twin fun this week,” I say, with such a huge smile on my face that it hurts my cheeks.

“Fuck off,” she says, punching me on the arm.

“Shh with the potty mouth, the babies will hear. I’m serious. You wait. You’ll meet them later.”

Carrie frowns. “You mean Bryan’s brothers?” I nod and her eyebrows practically hit her hairline. “But what about Bryan?”

“I didn’t know they were his brothers,” I say, like that explains everything. “In other news his dad is dating my mom and that’s the reason he’s never made a move on me?”

“Shut up,” she gasps.

“And, apparently he wanted to all this time.”

“Oh my God. The idiot. And now it’s too late.” I know my face falls when she says that and she tips her head to one side. “Well, I mean, now that you’ve hooked up with his brothers. And we need to talk about that part. I want all the details. We can compare notes.”

“Oh my God,” I say. “Now I know why you have a permanent smile on your face.”

I look at my friend and the glow she’s been radiating since she finally admitted her feelings for Eth and Nath and settled into a relationship with them. That’s what you call inner happiness. It shines from deep inside.

“Was it just a one-night thing?” she asks.

“No, but they’re going back to New York in a few weeks.”

“And then it’ll be just you and Bryan.” Carrie winks suggestively. This is the girl who found a way to tell her mom and stepfather that she was having a polygamous relationship with her stepbrothers. I guess once you have achieved that feat you’re going to be the kind of person who thinks that anything is possible. I’m finding it hard to think that anything is possible right now.

“I don’t think things will ever work out with Bryan.” Admitting that to Carrie is like finally admitting it to myself. I get a lump in my throat again. Just as she starts to tell me that anything is possible, Nathan heads to the front door and is followed into the house by Bryan and the twins. When my eyes meet Bryan’s I get a shiver down my back. He’s so damn sexy but it’s the worry I see in his gaze that hits me in the heart. I smile but it feels small on my face. Smaller than he deserves as a friend who I know is worried about me, but I can’t help it because I’m still so mad at him. Jason and Austin appear behind him. They all look so much alike that I want to laugh. Doug must have some mighty powerful genes to override two women’s genetic material so much. If I didn’t know better, I would think they were triplets.

The twins smile. They look naughty which I like. I love the way they’re not treating me like I might break down at any point. Carrie nudges me in a totally obvious and very mortifying way.

“You go girl,” she mutters under her breath.

“Says the girl who’s already there!” I laugh.

“Hell yeah. I’m living proof of the merits of multiple love.” She rubs her stomach and beams. Ethan comes into the room carrying a tray of mimosas in tall glasses and she watches him hungrily as he passes. “Damn, look at that ass.”

“Carrie!”

“What? He’s mine. I can ogle him if I want.”

“God,” I say, but inside I’m so happy for her I could burst. Life is for living. That’s what Jason said and Carrie is living proof that seizing what you want is the way to happiness. Love has made her like a super charged version of herself. Gone are the insecurities and inhibitions. I feel a pang of emptiness that my life is still so different than hers.

When I look up I can see Austin staring over. This time he does look worried. He must be able to tell that my mood has changed. I tell Carrie I have to use the bathroom and she looks at me seriously again. For a moment I curse the fact that I can’t conceal my emotions for shit. My mom always said I was as transparent as a window. I head toward the hall and when I reach the door to the restroom, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I’m expecting it to be Austin but it’s Carrie. She’s followed me out of the room and now that we’re out of view of the other guests, she’s not going to wait for answers.

“Tell me what’s going on with you,” she says.

“I don’t want to spoil your day. Please.”

“Even if you hadn’t said anything I’d know there was something up. I can feel it…your anxiety.”

I sigh and look to the ceiling, trying to control my emotions. If I have to spill my awful news, I’m going to do it with restraint. Carrie doesn’t deserve to have be blubbing all over her sweet blouse.

“I found a lump in my breast.”

“Oh my god,” she says. “When?”

“A few days ago. Well, it was Austin that found it. He’s a med student.”

I can see that she’s getting emotional and I feel so terrible. “It’s okay. I’ve had a scan and a biopsy and I’ll have the results soon. It could be nothing. Maybe it’s benign. That’s what everyone keeps telling me.”

“Yeah, it’s probably nothing.” She pulls me into a ridiculously awkward embrace where we struggle to hold onto each other around her monster bump. Even though she’s trying to sound upbeat, there is a desperation to her hug that shows her true feelings.

I pull back and smile as broadly as I can manage. “Anyway, I really need to pee.”

Carrie opens her mouth as though she wants to say more but must see how difficult this is for me. “We’ll talk later, okay?” she says as I back my way into the bathroom.

“Sure,” I reply. I’m in there for a while, looking at myself in the mirror. So much has changed in my life recently that I feel different. In some ways I look different too. Tired. My sleep hasn’t been great due to all the anxiety. My hair and skin look duller. I take a deep breath and rub my hands over my face. Telling Carrie was hard and although she tried to be reassuring, I know she’s worried. I just hope it won’t overshadow her happy day. When I eventually exit the bathroom, I look to the side and see Carrie in the kitchen being hugged by Nathan. His eyes catch mine over her shoulder, and he looks so sorry for me that all the resolve I just built up seems to crumble away. I turn to follow the hallway to the front door so I can take a moment outside in the fresh air to regain my composure but Bryan is standing between me and where I need to go. I start to walk and wait for him to move but he doesn’t immediately. He’s looking at me with yet more worry and I feel like I need to scream. I need Jason and Austin to make me feel normal again. I need them to focus on silly things like comics so that I don’t have to think about anything serious.

“Katy,” he says, resting his hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off and push past him. As I reach the door I can hear him behind me. “Wait,” he says but I don’t listen.

In the driveway I stop and rest my hands on my thighs. I take deep breaths because I need to stop the swimming feeling in my head. I expect Bryan to leave me alone. That’s what he’s best at right? But he does what I least expect and puts his arms around me and pulls me close to his chest.

“I’ve got you, okay?” he says, kissing the top of my head and rubbing my back. For about a minute I lean against him, weeping silent tears and soaking up the unbelievable comfort I feel in his arms. This is Bryan, the man I have yearned for for so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to not have him in my mind and my heart. This is the man who’s always been there but never in the way I needed or wanted. And now he is. Now he’s doing exactly what I need but it still isn’t enough. This feels like pity, not affection, not caring and certainly not love.

Eventually I turn myself so I’m looking up at him. I need to see what’s in his eyes. I need him to see what’s in mine. We gaze at each other, his furrowed brow seeming to show his concern. His breathing is fast, and his grip around me is still as fierce. I’m about to tell him I need to go when he bends his head and presses his lips to mine.

I’m frozen. Everything in me stops while I take in what is happening. Bryan is kissing me, and it’s soft and gentle and exactly what I hoped it would be. His hand goes to my cheek, fingers slipping into my hair as he angles my face to his. The press of his lips, the slow movement of his mouth is so good that all the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. My hands itch to pull him towards me and for a few moments I slip into the world where this kiss means everything I want it to mean. That he loves me the way I love him. That he’s willing to make a go of a relationship with me in the way I’d always dreamed. But as Bryan seems to lose himself in the moment and the kiss becomes more demanding, my heart seems to close. This isn’t what I want. This is about him being worried for me. It’s about him not knowing how to make things better. It’s about him trying in the only way he knows, and it hurts.

I push against his chest and pull back. His eyes seem glazed and his lips are swollen from our kiss. He puts his hand to my cheek again and I take hold of his wrist. It’s that motion that makes him realize that things are not how he was expecting.

“Katy,” he says.

“This is not what I need,” I tell him, lowering his hand and letting it drop to his side.

He looks confused. “I thought…”

“You feel sorry for me, and you know what, Bryan? That feels shit.” He shakes his head but he doesn’t say anything to deny it. “Tell Carrie I left okay. Tell her I’m okay but I can’t be around people today.

“You don’t need to go,” he says. “I’ll go if that’s what you want.”

“That’s not it. Go back inside with your brothers. I’m going home.”

I turn and stride down the driveway and onto the sidewalk, hurrying to where I parked my car. When I get into the driver’s seat, I look back toward the house and see the three brothers in the doorway, all with their hands in their pockets, watching me leave.

And although I know that leaving is the right thing to do right now, I still feel like I leave my heart behind in Carrie’s family driveway.