Chapter 14: HUGE X3: Chapter 14

Mom is crying and it hits me like a knife in my chest.

Bryan drives us back to his house quickly after I take her call. He can hear her sobbing and see how upset I am. The lump in my throat is too big for me to swallow and I don’t have anything to say to him. I’m so damn confused.

As we pull into the driveway, mom is sitting on the front step waiting for me. Her eyes are red from her tears. I get out of the car and hear Bryan following closely.

Mom gets up and pulls me into a fierce hug that freaks me out.

“What is it?” I ask, thinking that maybe the doctor has called with my results and she knows how bad they are.

“We need to go home, okay?” she says, her voice fracturing.

“Why?” I ask. If she knows something, I need her to tell me now.

“Because this isn’t right.”

I stare at her for a second, understanding finally that Doug has been talking to her. I’m so fucking angry that tears spring to my eyes. It’s her fault that I’ve been lonely all this time, wanting Bryan and thinking he wasn’t interested. She knows what I’m going through right now and she wants to judge me. She wants to make me feel like shit for trying to find a sliver of happiness in my shitty life. I don’t even know what to say.

I turn my back on her and stamp towards the pool house. My shoes and bra are still in there and I feel ridiculous having this argument with her in Bryan’s driveway.

“Katelin,” she calls after me, but I don’t turn. I have nothing to say to her.

Bryan follows as I stride down the path, reaching the pool house door and knocking. It’s Austin that opens this time. He looks between me and Bryan, his eyes questioning. I can see him glance at Bryan’s hand that is still bloody and needs cleaning up.

I want to ask him what happened after we left. I feel guilty for getting them into trouble with their father when they’re only in town for a few weeks. Being a downer on their vacation wasn’t something I ever intended.

Austin steps to the side and I head in, finding my shoes and slipping them onto my feet. I don’t bother to put on my bra, but stuff it into my purse.

For a moment, I find myself at the center of a triangle made up by these brothers that look so alike it’s as though I’m in a mirrored room, surrounded by the reflections of just one man. I take a deep breath and glance between them, seeking out each of their eyes in turn.

“I’m sorry,” I say, because it’s all I can find that fits. Tears stream down my cheeks because everything feels so messed up and it’s all because of me. I have no idea if the brothers will all be speaking when I leave. Will Bryan be angry at the twins for what happened earlier. Will the twins be mad at Bryan for storming off and taking me with him? Will they all be mad at me for seemingly playing them all off each other and their father? Trouble was not my intention, but I seem to have stirred up a whole heap of it. Instead of finding some peace I’ve found more to worry about.

Bryan steps forward, but I duck to the side and I’m at the door before anyone can say anything.

I hear them all striding forward as I make my way outside. “Katy,” Bryan calls, but I don’t turn back. I run to my car as fast as I can, my heart hammering against my chest. I drive at speed but when I’m around the corner I have to pull over to take a breath and wipe my face. I rest my head in my hands because I’m lost. Whichever way I turn there is something or someone I don’t feel able to face. The future feels so uncertain.

The twins had been my sanctuary but even they feel distant now. My mom had been my confidant, but now she’s mad at me and ashamed. Carrie is sick. Bryan, who has always been a friend if nothing more, is now neither a friend nor a lover. And me? I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m floundering and so damn scared. I start driving again, and for a while I just cruise, listening to my music too loud with the window down, trying to drown out my thoughts.

But it’s not enough. My mind is shouting too noisily for me to ignore. I’ve never been anything but a social drinker, but tonight feels different. Tonight I want to drown my sorrows. It’s early to go to the Red Devil. It’ll be empty, maybe just the bar staff setting up for the night, but it’s the only place in town I feel okay about going to. In my yoga pants and slouchy top, I hardly look ready for a night out, but I don’t care. There are only a few cars in the lot so I pull up close to the building. As I open the door, the barman turns to check me out. His name is Darryll. We’ve had a few laughs over the years, mainly on nights when I was trying to distract myself from Bryan. He’s cute in a tattooed, emo kind of way and he smiles as I walk towards the bar.

“You’re early,” he says, looking at me questioningly as I slide onto a stool and rest my purse on the bar.

“In need of a drink,” I say.

Darryll frowns momentarily but he asks me what it’ll be and makes me a double gin and tonic regardless of his misgivings.

I drink it as soon as he slides it across the bar and ask for another. Another frown. “Hey, Katelin. You should take it easy.”

“It’s just a drink,” I say, trying to remain calm. I know he’s just looking out for me, or maybe just doing his job, but I don’t need him to baby me. I want him to serve me what I’m asking for.

When I’ve downed the second double with him watching, I start to feel the effects of the alcohol. Warmth spreads from my stomach through my limbs and into my brain. My face feels tingly and for once it isn’t because I want to cry.

“Another,” I say.

“I don’t know…” Darryll says looking reluctant.

“Hey. I’m having a really shitty day,” I say. “Gimme a break, Darryll. You know me.”

“I know you when you’re here with your friends to have a good time.”

“So, I’m a little early tonight.” There’s a slur in my voice that only makes him look less certain.

“I tell you what,” I say, putting my palms flat on the bar and leaning forward. “Gimme one more and that’ll be my last.”

He rubs his face as though I’m really stressing him out. I’m sure he has things to do and I’m just an unwelcome distraction right now.

“Okay. One more,” he says.

“Yay. Thanks, D.” I’m trying to sound lighthearted in case he changes his mind. As soon as he hands me the drink I down it. It’s so cold that I gasp as it slides down my throat.

“So,” Darryll says, picking up a cloth and wiping down the counter in front of me. “What’s going on with you, girl?”

“A whole heap of shit, D.”

“Well, Katelin, there is one thing I can tell you for absolute certain.”

“What’s that?”

“You ain’t gonna find any solutions in the bottom of a bottle.”

“I’m not looking for solutions. I’m looking to switch it all off for a while.”

“Is it working?”

I close my eyes as the alcohol really starts to take effect. “You know what? I think it is.”

He sighs and pats my arm. “Whatever you need then, I guess.”

He turns and starts to fill the freezers with bottles of beer from an open box on the ground. I watch him and think about all the random people that have crossed my path in my short life. What happens when people pass away? So many people to think ‘I met that girl, once upon a time’. Even with all the lovely alcohol in my system my thoughts are still too fucking morbid.

“You know what, D? I really need to dance.” I slip off the bar and twirl around, looking at the empty club.

“Now that I can approve of,” he says. “I can put something on for you.”

He has a remote control that must connect to the club sound system in some way. In a few seconds, the place is filled with the pulsing beat of a house track I love. “Now that’s what I’m talking about,” I shout, heading towards the center of the dance floor. I close my eyes and put my hands in the air, shaking my thang like I’m in my bedroom and there’s no one watching. I don’t look to see if Darryll has gone back to his chores. I don’t care if there is anyone else in the building who could be wondering what the fuck I’m doing. This is all about release. It’s about shaking off the things I don’t want to think about until I absolutely have to. I have a few more hours before I’m going to know for sure and I’m going to make damn sure they’re memorable.

I dance for so many songs as each blends into the next. I dance until I feel too tired to carry on, until my head feels heavy and my feet sore. I dance until I feel like I have nothing left. When I finally open my eyes, it isn’t Darryll who’s watching me, but three of the sexiest men on the planet, and I’m mad as hell.