Chapter 6: HUGE X3: Chapter 6

I chill and watch some TV while mom does exactly what I thought she was going to do; the extreme clean combined with much conversation in hushed tones in the kitchen. There is nothing really on that holds my attention enough that I can forget what might be lurking beneath my clothes. I check my phone sporadically, but it’s quiet. That might be a good thing or it could be a bad thing. For an instant, I imagine there being a physical fight between Bryan and his brothers, and then I scoff at myself. Bryan has had years to make a move on me so he has absolutely no right to be getting funny about me having a good time with someone else. Maybe he will be jealous. Maybe he just won’t like the idea that I had a threesome. I would think most guys would find that a bit hard to deal with, at least without being judgmental assholes, but then again, Bryan is friends with Eth and Nath and he respects them.

When the doorbell rings I assume it’s probably one of mom’s friends or a door to door salesman of some sort. I leave mom to answer and hear hushed conversations coming from the hallway. Then the door closes and there are two sets of feet making their way toward the den.

I’m pretty stunned when I see Bryan coming up behind my mom. I thought he’d call. It never crossed my mind that he might appear in person.

‘Hey, Katelin,’ he says, meeting my surprised gaze with a look of embarrassed concern.

‘Hey,’ I say. ‘Whatcha doing here?’

‘I thought I’d come by…you know.’

There’s an awkward silence where my mom looks between us as though she’s trying to work out what’s going on. She looks more stressed than she did before and I can’t think why. Maybe she thinks Bryan is going to upset me or maybe she’s worried I’m going to cry in front of him and be uncomfortable about the whole thing.

‘Sure. Do you want to go sit outside?’ I say, thinking on my feet for a way to get whatever conversation we’re about to embark on out of my mom’s radius.

‘Yeah.’

I offer Bryan a drink and fix him an iced tea on our way through to the backyard. We don’t make small talk. I guess the time for that passed us by when he spotted me doing the metaphorical walk of shame from his pool house. I close the door behind us and we walk to the corner where mom has a bench beneath a pretty arch of flowers.

It’s weird to sit in my home environment with Bryan. Although we’ve known each other from college, neither of us has ever been to the other’s house. I thought I knew him quite well but the events of the past 24 hours have shown me that I don’t.

‘So,’ he says, resting his drink between us, then leaning forward to place his forearms on his thighs and his head in his hands. Poor thing looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

‘So.’

‘So you met my brothers.’

I take a deep breath and nod. It’s annoying me that he won’t cut to the chase here. We both know that we both know what happened last night. Why the hell is he beating around the bush like this?

‘I guess you could put it that way,’ I say. Bryan glances over at me, his eyes searching my face. In all the time that we’ve known each other, he has always laughed at my sass mouth. Today he doesn’t seem so amused. ‘You never told me you had brothers.’

‘I guess I didn’t,’ he says.

There’s another uncomfortable silence and I look around at the garden, focusing on a plant that is swaying in the gentle summer breeze. It is so peaceful out here, enough that I start to feel calmer myself.

‘Look,’ we both say at the same time, and end up laughing together.

‘This is awkward, huh?’

Bryan nods. ‘I don’t talk much about my family.’

‘Why?’ Now that he’s said it, I realize how little I know about his home-life.

‘It’s complicated.’

‘Aren’t most people’s these days? I’m hardly from a mom, dad and two kid family myself.’

He nods and runs his fingers through his hair. In that one action, I see Austin. When he sits back in the chair and fidgets his leg up and down, restlessly, I see Jason. It’s strange to find that I know their mannerisms better than I know Bryan’s after all this time.

‘Austin told me…’ Bryan looks so uncomfortable, and for a minute, I think he’s going to ask me about the sex. “…about the lump.”

I flinch when he says it like that; so matter of fact. I nod and watch as his pretty green eyes look me over. His gaze drifts down to my chest as though he unconsciously wants to see if he can see anything. Then he realizes what he’s doing and looks away.

“You’re going to get it checked out?”

“Yeah. Tomorrow.”

“Good.” He takes a long swig of tea and exhales a deep breath. It feels as though there is so much unsaid between us. Reams and reams of conversation that will probably never be verbalized. I’m not really expecting it when he stands, though. “Look. I think I should go.”

“Okay.” I sound confused. I am confused. I thought he was here to give me a hard time about what happened. I thought maybe he might be here out of jealousy; I guess I was hoping from the dropping sensation I get in my gut.

“You know if you need anything.” I nod, watching him fidget, putting his hands into his pockets and then pulling them out again. His eyes are soft and concerned but he looks so damn uncomfortable. I know how he feels. I felt exactly the same way whenever I went to visit my Auntie. It’s like you can smell sickness and want to back away from it in case it’s contagious. Ridiculous, but that’s how it is.

“I’ll walk you out.”

We shuffle through the backyard, not really talking, and I take him around the side of the house. When we reach the driveway, he turns and puts his arm around me, pulling me against his chest in an awkward but fiercely tight hug that takes me by surprise.

“It’s going to be okay, you know.” His voice seems thick with emotion and I don’t know how to react. I want to slip my arms around him and weep against his chest. I inhale and catch the scent of him that is so much like Austin and Jason and that just makes the craving even worse. He smells good, like alpine forests and warm summer breezes. I feel secure in a way I haven’t for a long time. My heart hurts because even though he’s here and he’s being kind, it still as though there’s this barrier between us. Why doesn’t he want me in the way his brothers did? Why does it feel like he cares for me, but then he’ll just walk away and leave me with nothing real? I want to ask him, if only so I can stop asking myself all these damn annoying questions. But he pulls away before I have a chance to pluck up the courage. He waves in a manly laid back way but walks to his car with his shoulders slumped. I stand, bare-footed and horribly bereft and watch him walk away.