Chapter 26: Twenty-five

Confession #24: I might’ve possibly flipped my shit when Reese made her own confession.

“You’re going out with him?” was all I could think to explode. “~Tomorrow~?”

“Umm…” Reese cringed and guiltily met my gaze. “Yes?”

Holy shit.

~Holy shit~.

I suddenly couldn’t breathe so well.

If Riker hurt Reese because of me…

Oh, fuck. I’d been so worried about Patricia and watching for an attack from that direction, I hadn’t even thought of Ethan ~Riker~ angling to use her.

I was such a fucking idiot.

Reese looked so worried, so guilty, and I wasn’t sure how to handle that. I wanted to reassure her that I wasn’t mad at her—even though, dammit, I ~was~ kind of hurt and pissed after watching her make plans with another guy, right fucking in front of me. But I ~knew~ she and I couldn’t be together—I was a prostitute—so I fully supported the theory that she should live her life however she wanted, dating ~whomever~ she wanted. Except theory and reality were suddenly polar opposites, and this shit just sucked.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“I…” She didn’t know how to answer. That hurt too. She’d purposely been hiding this from me. “Well, for one, I haven’t seen you since ~Sunday~. Then I… I completely forgot about it until ~he~ showed up just now, and…” She shrugged. “By then, you already knew.”

“When?” I demanded.

She looked totally confused. “When ~what~?”

“When did he ask you out?”

“Oh. Um…” She spent a moment thinking it through before saying, “Tuesday night. Why?”

Okay, maybe this date thing really didn’t have anything to do with me. Riker had threatened me ~last night~ and he’d asked Reese out two days before that. Unless, he’d decided to strike back before even bothering to threaten me. Dammit. I wasn’t sure what his ulterior motive was here. Did he just like her—which wouldn’t be hard to believe since she was amazing—or was he using her to hurt me?

Suddenly, another thought struck me. “I thought you had study group on Tuesday nights.”

She’d purposely not told me about setting up a date with another guy, what else had she kept from me…or straight-up ~lied~ about?

Dammit, Riker was already coming between us, making me doubt and question everything.

“I do,” she blurted. “I mean, I did. He’s ~in~ my study group.”

I don’t know why that made me flinch, but it did. It just hurt knowing piss-ant ~Riker~ shared a class in common with her. And her Tuesday night study groups were for her virology course, which was her major. She and Riker both wanted to go into the medical field together. They already seemed to mesh more than she and I did.

Not that I should even think about a ~me-and-her~ scenario because that could never happen. But shit…it was all I ever thought about.

“When the library closed,” Reese went on, explaining everything to me in hyper speed.

“We weren’t finished with our assignment, so he came back to my apartment and we worked on it—”

“He did ~what~?”

Oh, Jesus, he’d been to that cozy little apartment of hers above the garage, the one I’d fantasized about living in with her? The same place where I’d envisioned breaking in every surface and piece of furniture with her? Fuck, what if Riker took her out and it went so well that they had sex on that couch under the blanket she had draped over the backrest? Or in the bed of that little room that smelled so strongly of sweet pea? Or against the kitchen cabinets next to the fruit basket where I’d stolen an apple?

The haunting images struck so fast I felt physically ill.

And why in God’s name had he asked Reese out less than a week after his mother’s suicide attempt? Jesus, what a stellar son he was.

“Hey, what is ~wrong~ with you?” Reese asked, looking pissed.

“Oh, I don’t know,” I snarled, unable to stop myself. “Maybe it’s this irresistible urge I have to ~break Ethan Riker’s face~.”

The bastard wanted to steal my happy place from me. He wanted to take away my ~Reese~.

Reese’s mouth gaped open incredulously before she hissed, “Excuse me?”

“You heard me,” I shot back, wanting to go find Riker right that moment and do him some serious lasting harm.

I got that his mom was hurt and he was upset, but that did ~not~ justify messing with Reese.

“Mason,” she muttered, lowering her voice conspiratorially, “what the hell? It’s not like I have to babysit Sarah that night.”

“This isn’t about Sarah. And you ~know~ it.”

Even though most of my anger was directed at Riker, I was still hurt that she’d omitted the details of her date from me.

Tears swam in her eyes before she hoarsely rasped, “You said we were just friends. I thought—”

Oh, God. Now she looked as miserable as I felt. Shit!

“We ~are~.” I had to close my eyes and turn my face away against that depressing reality. “Damn it. We are, but the only reason we’re ~just friends~ is because there’s no way we could possibly ~ever~ be anything more.”

“You want…” Her eyes went wide, and her voice went hushed before she whispered, “Do you really want more?”

I stared at her, not quite able to believe she’d just asked me that.

The truth was so obvious to me, I figured anyone who’d ever looked at me already knew. Patricia certainly did. Monica knew. Eva knew. Even that fucking prick Riker knew.

“Don’t you?” I whispered back. Then I realized what I’d just asked, and I shook my head, laughing bitterly. “Or is this ~only~ sexual attraction for you?”

That would be my luck. I’d been falling for this girl—falling hard and fast—and she just liked my smile or some shit.

But she looked sad when she confessed, “You know it’s not.”

God. Oh, God.

Hearing that was as relieving as it was painful.

“Then why the hell are you so confused about why I’m flying off the handle?” I had to know.

“I don’t know.” She winced. “Because it’s easier to play dumb.”

“Well, you’re not dumb. Don’t play dumb.” Realizing I was only making things worse instead of better, I shoved my calculus book back into my bag to leave.

But that only seemed to panic her. “Mason? What’re you doing? Where are you going?”

“I’m ~leaving~.” Like I should’ve done five minutes ago, as soon as I’d realized she was dating other people. “What does it look like I’m doing?”

I shoved things so haphazardly into my bag that a paper fluttered free and started to blow off across the surface of the table between us. Reese smacked her hand down on top of it, saving it, only to hold it ransom when I went to reach for it.

I sent her an impatient glance, to which she glared right back at me, refusing to give me the page back.

“So if you can’t have me, then I’m not allowed to date ~anyone~? Is that what you’re saying? My God, Mason. Do you realize how much of a douchebag you sound like right now?”

“Yes, damn it!” I exploded. I knew just how wrong I was about everything.

The admission threw her off-balance, and she didn’t have a ready answer.

“I realize ~exactly~ what I sound like,” I said. “And I’m trying to stop, Reese. I’m ~trying~ here. Jesus, why do you think I’m taking off right now? If I stay, I’m only going to say something worse.”

One of the tears that had been swimming in her eyes finally fell.

It broke me.

“Christ, don’t cry.”

“What do you want me to do?” she sobbed, wiping the tear away. “Do you want me to call it off? Tell him no?”

Surprised I had that kind of power over her, I glanced away, shame covering me like a rash. I didn’t want to ruin her big date. Riker had asked her out before last night; he probably hadn’t even known she and I were friends until today… Even though he hadn’t seemed very surprised or even upset that I’d been sitting at the same table with her, talking to her. So, he had to have known.

Still…

I didn’t want to ruin anything for Reese until I gathered all the facts. Even if the idea of her with anyone else killed me, I would step back and not interfere. Much.

So I shook my head and said, “No. Don’t call it off. I want you to be happy. I’m sorry for being a drama queen. Okay? I want you to have fun with…whomever. Just have fun and be happy. Keep being you.”

That only made her cry more.

I was bombing this. I was bombing it so hard. Needing to flee before I started crying right along with her, I snatched my homework from her hand. “I have to go.” Wiping at my own eyes, I hurried off, running blind.

Reese wanted to date. I could deal with that. She was one of my favorite people on the planet. I wanted her to be happy. I ~did~.

It was just…

I was a selfish bastard.

I wanted her to be happy with ~me~. Not with the moron Riker.

Even though he wasn’t a gigolo and didn’t have a bad reputation.

Plus, the guy loved his mother, even if he sucked at showing her so. And I mean, he sucked bad at it. But he’d warned me away from her twice now because he was worried about her. That had to mean ~something~.

If he hadn’t used Reese to get at me, she would probably be okay with him, better off than she’d ever be with me, anyway.

Damn it.

I entered the main building and veered right, no idea where I was going. I just needed to move, to escape this pressure that was building in my chest. It’d be nice if I could escape who I was altogether, or at least un-make all the mistakes I’d made, but I couldn’t, so I just kept striding along.

Just as I was approaching a T-intersection in the hall and I was trying to decide which way to go from there, left or right—God, I hated being forced to make one drastic decision after another—I heard her voice.

“Mason!”

I slowed on instinct, unable to ignore her, but then I realized… What purpose would another conversation right now serve except to make things worse, to make me want her more and then to just hurt her even harder? The result between us was always going to be the same. We could never happen.

“I can’t believe you just walked away from me like that,” she raged. “We are so not done talking about this.”

Not done?

Not ~done~!

What the fuck was she talking about? We hadn’t even ~started~. We could never start. And that’s what killed me most.

Swallowed up by the agony of it, I snapped, letting it consume me whole.

When I spun to face her, she gasped from the unexpectedness of it. I caught her arm just above the elbow and tugged her through the open doorway of a nearby empty classroom. Once I shut us inside alone, I pressed her back to the door and came in close, snarling in her face.

But the anger died on impact because…~holy hell~. Being this close flipped my world on its axis. Air hissed from my lungs as we nearly touched chest to chest. I felt her immediate arousal from the primal depths of me, and I knew she’d let me do anything I wanted.

And I did want. I wanted every little piece of her, and every part of me screamed for me to just take it.

That’s why I held back. Her trust scared me senseless, made me feel responsible, like I needed to do the right thing. And fucking her against this door was probably ~not~ the right thing, no matter how amazing it might feel.

My body was tense and heavy with need as I groaned out my misery and levered my face over her shoulder so I could thump my forehead to the door. Our cheeks brushed past each other in the process, and she shuddered.

Setting my chin on her shoulder, I spilled out my biggest fears, posing them as accusations.

“Was he in your apartment all night? Did he sleep on your couch? Did he touch you? Did he ~kiss~ you?” A harsh breath scraped from me as I reached up to touch the scar on the back of her neck. “Did you tell ~him~ the secret behind this?”

She touched my cheek and sobbed out a choked breath. “No. Mason. ~Stop~.”

Lifting my face to meet her gaze, I sucked in a painful breath when I saw how red-rimmed her eyes were.

I’d made her cry. What kind of monster would make such a sweet, quirky, cheerful, optimistic girl like this ~cry~?

“God. Reese, I’m trying to be cool about this. I’m trying not to blow off the handle. And I know I’m failing. But damn…”

I wiped away some wetness from under her eye with my thumb.

“This sucks,” I muttered from clenched teeth. “He can ask you out, and take you to dinner, and try to steal a goodnight kiss. He can go as far into it as you’ll let him take you. And I can’t even compete.”

Her eyes misted even more. When she lifted her hand to touch my cheek, I caught her fingers, stopping her.

“You know, I think I fell for you the moment I heard you laugh across the campus courtyard,” I admitted. “When I looked over and saw you, I ~knew~. You were something different. Something incredible. I knew from that first glance that nothing was ever going to be the same again. You were a complete game changer. Even when I realized you were sitting with Eva and might be like her, I didn’t care. I wanted to know everything about you.”

She gave a tear-filled smile. “And here I thought you hated me from that first glance.”

“I never hated you,” I promised. “You just scared the shit out of me, so I tried to stay away. I was afraid to get to know you because I ~wanted~ to so badly. I thought surely you couldn’t be as good as I’d already built you up to be in my head. Except every time I turned around, there you were, and you ended up being better than I ever imagined.”

I have no idea why I was admitting all this. But it just kept bleeding out, like a wound that couldn’t heal. “The more I got to know you, the more I knew I should stay away. I could only hurt you. But I could never quite stay far enough away.”

I sank closer to her until I felt her breath against my mouth, stealing a phantom kiss. I closed my eyes, imagining what it would be like for real, what it’d be like if she were mine.

“Are you still a gigolo?” she asked.

And there it was. Reality.

I pulled back, sucking in a tortured breath. “I’ll always be a gigolo, Reese.”

Her features crumpled. “No.” She shook her head adamantly. “No, I don’t believe that. You can stop. You can—”

“Don’t you get it yet?” I moved back, hating the sudden absence of her body heat even as I craved more space to breathe again. “It doesn’t matter if I stop or not. This stigma, this ~curse~, will never go away. Eighty years from now, people will read my obituary and say, ‘Mason Lowe? Wasn’t he that gigolo?’ ~God~!” I closed my eyes and clutched my hair with both hands. “That even rhymes. They’ll probably make a damn limerick out of me and I’ll become an immortal ~prostitute~.”

Needing to move again, give myself the illusion that I could escape, I started to pace the room.

But Reese caught my arm. “Mason, I don’t care about your reputation. I don’t like your past but I don’t care about that either. All I want to know about is ~right now~. So right now… Are you still having sex with other women?”

I looked at her, debating.

Should I tell her the truth?

If I laid it all out there, told her I couldn’t be with anyone else because all I wanted was her, she might… Fuck, she might accept me as I was and fulfill all my fantasies. We might actually end up ~together~. The mere idea made me lightheaded with a want so strong it scared the fucking shit out of me, which immediately made me want to back away, untrusting it, because the vision was too good, too tempting. It could never happen.

Because in reality, we couldn’t be together. She’d just end up hurt.

She let go of my arm as if she knew she wasn’t going to like my answer right before I said, “Well, I think you ~do~ care about my reputation. Ethan Riker is pristine white and you agreed to go on a date with ~him~, didn’t you?”

Frustrated annoyance flared in her eyes as she clenched her teeth. “~Mason~.”

She tried to reach for me again, but I evaded her. “Don’t. It’s fine, okay. I’m not the type to bring home to your parents. I get it.”

“No, you ~don’t~ get it! Just shut up for a second.”

When I did, she took a moment to visibly calm herself before meeting my gaze.

“In the library that day,” she said, “you told Dr. Janison you weren’t scheduling any more clients.”

“Jesus,” I groaned. “Do you have elephant ears? You weren’t supposed to hear that.”

“Well, I did. And it made me think… I thought you were ~retiring~. But then… Then you came to my apartment and started in about almost getting caught by a husband, and I wasn’t sure anymore.”

I’d said ~what~ at her apartment? That must’ve been on the night I’d drank too much. Didn’t matter. The important thing here was that my past fibs were finally catching up with me. I closed my eyes and bowed my head. “I lied about the husband. I haven’t… I haven’t taken a client since…”

“Since when?” she prodded.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said, refusing to think about her English professor and the role-play she’d had me act out in that office.

“Yes!” Reese cried. “It ~does~.” When I remained stubbornly quiet, she demanded, “So why did you lie about the husband thing then? What really happened there?”

I cringed, unable to tell her I’d raced over to her place that night because I’d been worried what Patricia might do to her. I didn’t want her worrying in case the landlady was full of hot air.

So I lied again. “Nothing,” I said, glancing away. “I turned down a persistent woman wanting services, and she got nasty, that’s all. She called me… She called me some names. Nothing I hadn’t heard before, but it left me stewing afterward, and I wanted to… I had to… I just needed to see you. I needed to be around someone who ~didn’t~ think of me that way.”

When tears filled her eyes, I felt like a cad. “Oh, Mason,” she whispered. “Why didn’t you just tell me the truth?”

~Because then you’d know how wrong I really was for you~.

I took a step back, guilt nearly suffocating me.

Needing to redeem myself, I gave her one truth. “Because if I’d told you the truth and you knew I’d stopped whoring myself out for money, I was scared you’d let me do things to you that I was dying to do.”

Blinking at me, Reese gripped her head in her hands as if trying to process what I’d said. “Okay, let me get this straight. You stopped your practice because you wanted me, and then you turned around and lied about it, making me think you were still doing it in order to keep me away.”

Yeah, sounded crazy, didn’t it? But that fit, because I’d lost my mind a while ago. “Maybe,” I said.

She scowled at me. “That makes no sense. If you stopped so you could have me, then why did you lie to keep me away?”

“I didn’t stop so I could have you. I ~know~ I can never have you.”

“~What~? Why can’t you ever have me?”

“~Because~,” I sputtered. “We just went over this. I could never deserve you. You’re too good for me. You’re out of my reach. You’re… You’re Reese Randall.”

“You’re wrong.” She shook her head adamantly. “I’m not. All you have to do is stretch out your hand, Mason.” She patted the center of her chest. “I’m right here.”

Oh, God. I wanted to. I wanted to so bad. But… “I can’t. I’m tainted.”

“No.” She stepped toward me.

Knowing that if she caught me, if she touched me, I’d give in, I darted past her and opened the door of the classroom before glancing back to take in her shocked expression.

“I thought we could just be friends,” I said. “But we can’t. I won’t be sitting with you at lunch anymore. I won’t be doing anything with you anymore. I hope you enjoy your date.”

I left the room, already regretting my decision.

But thinking about everything I’d done to her already, forcing her through my back-and-forth indecision, I knew it was better this way. She’d be much better off with—

Thinking his name seemed to produce Ethan Riker in front of me. He must’ve seen Reese follow me inside the building and then watched us enter the empty classroom together. He leaned against a wall at the other end of the hall, just waiting for us to emerge. When my gaze caught his, he sent me a dirty glare, then pushed away from the wall and stalked off.

I stared after him, wondering what his agenda was. Had he asked Reese out to get at me, or did he genuinely like her and want to date her? It seemed like a strange coincidence that we’d be into the same girl. But then again, this was Reese. Who ~wouldn’t~ fall for her?

One thing was for certain. I wasn’t going to let him take out my favorite girl without discovering the truth first.

I hurried after him.