MY IDEA OF the perfect morning was waking up next to James, both of us safe and happy in each other's arms. What wasn't a part of my ideal criteria was waking up at the crack of dawn to my mother standing by the foot of my bed, glaring at me. My eyes instantly snapped open and I felt my blood run cold. "Mom," I gulped.
"Daniella Evangeline Parker!" Full name, how typical. "What on earth is he doing here?"
James groaned as he slowly woke up, his expression mirroring mine verbatim when he spotted my fire-breathing furious mother.
"You," she growled, pointing at him, "get out of my house and never come back here again."
"Mom!"
James gave me a stern look, indicating I should shut up. "She's right." Without another word, he got out of my bed and walked out the door, not even bothering to retrieve his clothes from yesterday.
"That was harsh," I scoffed at my mother who didn't seem the least bit fazed.
Her steely eyes were still zeroed in on me. "What were you thinking? You're seventeen, and as long as you're living under my roof you are not to bring dangerous boys like him in your bedroom for crying out loud!" she seethed. "He is troubled and I don't want you to have anything to do with him." She couldn't even be bothered to address James by his name.
I felt my blood boil at the accusations she was throwing at him. "He's not troubled or dangerous. He's nice, smart, caring, andâ"
"I don't want to hear this, Daniella. If I see you two together again I won't hesitate to kick you out of my house."
I gawked at her. "Mom, can't you just listen to me?"
"We'll talk about this when you're home," she dismissed in a stern voice. "Get dressed and go to school." She stormed out of my room without hearing me out though I wasn't surprised. For Mom the final word was always hers.
~*~
James was already gone by the time I was ready for school so I drove Brenton to what turned out to be the most painfully silent ride. Everyone in the house heard what happened but I was relieved Brenton wasn't trying to pry or talk about it. The last thing I wanted to do was relive any of this morning's fiascos. I parked the car and we parted ways as I ran into the school looking for James. I spotted him at his locker and made my way over, not caring who I bumped into or shoved on the way there. His back was facing me as he retrieved his textbooks.
"I'm so sorry about this morning, I don't know what got into her. It's all my fault, you said you wanted to leave, but I made you stay and I'm..." My voice trailed off when he turned around and I sucked in a sharp breath of air. Although his nose was much improved since yesterday, he was sporting a black eye, bruised cheek, and a busted lip. "What happened?" My fingers hovered beside his face but James recoiled before I could touch him.
He turned away from me, concealing his face. "I had no choice but to go back to the house."
"Tate did this?" I asked with a frown.
"He wouldn't let me in unless I learned my lesson."
I wrapped my arms around his waist, trying to fight the tears that threatened to escape. "I'm so sorry, this is all my fault." I waited to feel his warm embrace but I never did. James' arms remained limply by his side, so I pulled away and casted him a questioning glance. "Want to skip today?" I asked when he didn't respond.
He shook his head. "Your mom already hates me enough. The last thing I need is for her to find more reasons to despise me."
"Don't say that. She doesn't hate you."
We both knew that was a blatant lie. I didn't understand why my mom harboured such negative feelings towards James but whatever the reason it wasn't justifiable. He was an amazing person and it wasn't his fault she couldn't see that.
I expected James to remain quiet and not say anything, considering silence was usually his go-to in most situations. What I wasn't expecting was the words he was about to utter. "Maybe we need some time apart."
I took a breath before answering. "What?"
"I think we should go on a break."
"Why would you say that?" I tried to keep my voice levelled but it betrayed me by cracking at the end of my question.
James refused to make eye contact and he looked down. "The timing isn't right for us. I think it's best if we just end it."
How could he say that? How was he giving up on us so quickly? I liked James more than I thought I was capable of. Hell, even like was an understatement, I loved James. Yet he clearly didn't feel the same if he was giving up without putting up a fight. After everything we'd been through together, I honestly thought he cared enough to try.
"James," I croaked. "Don't leave me."
"I'm sorry." He slammed his locker door shut and stormed off before I could utter another word. Despite the dozens of students walking past me I never felt more alone than I did right now.
I was practically paralyzed in place, unable to move as the reality of the situation dawned upon me. I glanced in the direction James left, my gaze falling to a group of guys at the end of the hall. My eyes made contact with the ringleader of the group who looked at me with concern, his brown eyes asking if I was okay. When I shook my head he gave me a solemn nod. Call it twin telepathy, but Brenton knew exactly what had happened.
~*~
The week following went by agonizingly slowly. Every night I'd leave my window wide open and wait for James but he never came. Every morning I'd wake up early and linger on my porch for a possible run-in with him but it never happened. It was as if he vanished out of thin air. I didn't see James at school, in the neighbourhood, anywhere. I had been calling and texting him nonstop but he didn't bother to reply back. I knew my messages and voicemails were going through but I didn't get a single response.
Mom was too absent to realize this was killing me but my brothers, Amber and Holden knew. Brenton and Alex knew better than to try to get me to talk about it, so they silently did all my chores and gave me space. Whenever I didn't come down for our pointless family dinners Brenton would give Mom a believable excuse. Hell, even Niko was doing his part as a supportive brother. When he found out about the breakup â from Brenton I presumed â he mailed me a bunch of my favourite chocolates. Every few days I'd check the mailbox to find more chocolate addressed to me from a certain Penbrooke student. The mere thought of Penbrooke University made me feel sick to my stomach. Knowing that school was James' top choice made me want nothing to do with it. I loved Niko but not enough to ever visit him at that hellhole again.
It was almost funny how my mother never set foot in my bedroom and the one unfortunate time she did she caught James. Even more comical, she never returned to my room after that encounter. The seldom times she was home she wouldn't even look at me or try to hold a conversation. While I was slowly healing from the revelation about my dad, my hatred for my mother was only growing. She singlehandedly took away the two men who meant something really special to me. I let her kick out my dad and I didn't even put up a fight for it. Although I was hellbent on seeing Dad again, after our last encounter and Brenton's pleads for me not to, I decided that wasn't the best idea. While I was furious with my mom, I hated my dad more for what he did. I wasn't cutting the woman any slack, but my dad was definitely to blame for what happened. Despite being beyond upset about James abruptly ending our relationship, the only thing that set me off more was the ample pity coming my way. I felt like a child with the way Amber, Brenton and Holden were babying me. I knew the last thing Amber and Brenton wanted on their date nights was for me to intrude, but there wasn't a single dinner, movie or evening romantic stroll that they didn't drag me to. While I appreciated how much they cared, it was slowly driving me insane.
"We got you chocolate milk," Brenton said as I sat at the lunch table. He and Amber each handed me a carton, prompting me to raise my eyebrows. I gestured at the carton already sitting on my tray before I started eating my pesto chicken panini.
"Hey, guys." Holden set his tray beside me as he sat down. "I got you chocolate milk, Dani."
Enough was enough. It hurt my heart to do this, but I took the carton and chucked it across the cafeteria. It hit a freshman on the back of the head who timidly looked round to see who threw it. When his eyes landed on me he quickly turned around, pretending as if nothing happened.
Brenton sighed. "Don't let your anger out on innocent children."
"Stop giving me pity," I barked as I took another bite of my panini.
Amber frowned at me. "We're just worried about you. I haven't even seen you this down since..."
I rolled my eyes. "You can say his name. Cade, James, I don't care. All boys suck."
Holden placed a hand on his heart. "Ouch."
Brenton threw a potato chip at his best friend. "Don't flatter yourself, you're part of the trash population."
I raised an eyebrow at my twin. "What makes you think you're exempt from that group?"
"How were everyone's classes?" Amber asked in an attempt to lighten the mood.
I found the perfect opportunity to escape. "That reminds me, I have to ask Mrs. Frazer for an extension on the biology project."
Amber nodded sympathetically. "Want me to come?"
I shook my head and rejected her offer. After third-wheeling on all of their dates, they deserved some alone time. I just hoped Holden got the memo and left to give them some space as well. I took one of the three remaining chocolate milk cartons and exited the cafeteria to go talk to Mrs. Frazer. I highly doubted she would give me an extension of any kind, but if talking to that witch meant I didn't have to sit through another brutally awkward lunch then so be it. I walked to Mrs. Frazer's classroom before knocking on the door, already regretting coming here. That woman wasn't my biggest fan and I realized now that I should have just stayed back at the cafeteria instead.
"Come in," she answered from the other side. I opened the door and took a step in, immediately earning a dirty look from her. "Is there something I can do for you, Ms. Parker?"
I nervously fidgeted with the hem of my shirt. "I wanted to talk to you about the assignment."
She raised her eyebrows. "I wasn't expecting you to come so soon, but I can't say I'm surprised."
"Okay." I had no idea what she meant.
"I was going to wait until tomorrow but since you're already here, very well." She opened her desk drawer and took out a sheet of paper, handing it over to me.
"What is this?" I asked as I skimmed it.
"Your grading rubric," she answered. "I must say I was quite impressed with the work you and Mr. Hastings produced."
Written on the bottom of the paper in red marker was 100%. I stared at the rubric in awe, beyond confused how the assignment was already graded when I hadn't touched my research in weeks. James must have submitted the assignment beforehand which baffled me considering I didn't even start my part, much less finish it.
"Thanks," I said, still blown away that he did this.
"I wish you all the best with your endeavours in the fall," Mrs. Frazer said as I left, making my strange day that much weirder.
While walking back to the cafeteria I took out my phone and dialled James' number. I knew he'd be happy to know we got perfect, and the least I could do was pass the message forward. While I didn't have my hopes too high about him answering the call, I figured I could leave a voicemail message for him to hear later. The bell rang once before I was met with a voice that did not belong to him.
"I'm sorry, the number you have dialled does not exist. Please try again later."
My throat went completely dry and I was finding it difficult to breathe. He blocked my number. James seriously blocked my number. It'd only been a week since he broke up with me and he was already pretending I didn't exist. The boy who I was really falling for and saw a future with didn't even feel remotely the same. To him, I was evidently disposable and easily replaceable. I knew he must have been hurting, but so was I.
I wanted to make things work even if my mom didn't support our relationship but he gave up so quickly. He didn't even try to fight for us and took the first chance he could to bolt. If I really meant something to him he would've tried a little harder. We only had a few more months in this measly town anyway. We could have just laid low and then openly date each other once we started college in the fall, and no one would be the wiser. We could have gotten over this hurdle, I knew we could have, but James either didn't think so or he didn't want to. I couldn't tell whether his lack of faith or his lack of care hurt me more but both stung pretty badly. If I had known he was going to break my heart I would have never gotten involved with him.
Thinking more about James made me feel sick to my stomach and just the sight of the chocolate milk carton in my hand made me want to puke. Instead of returning back to the cafeteria, I walked straight out the doors and to the parking lot, ready to hibernate until graduation.
~*~
I spent the rest of my afternoon driving around before finally deciding to come home. Brenton didn't know I cut my day early, but luckily the world was on my side when he texted me he was getting a ride from Holden and they'd pick up Alex too. I parked my car on the driveway as I arrived, and I checked the mailbox on our lawn in hopes of more chocolates from Niko. The chocolate bars he had been mailing were the only things keeping me going at this point. I leafed through the mail, bummed to see bills and junk mail, but no chocolates. I was about to put the mail back inside until an envelope addressed to me caught my eye. I didn't think much of it until I recognized the sender's address.
It was a letter from Dad.
I shoved the envelope inside my backpack and I entered the house, going straight to my bedroom. Unable to think straight, I laid on my bed as I stared at my ceiling for what felt like hours, debating whether or not I should open the contents inside. The rational part of my mind screamed no, and I knew that was the smarter option, but my heart said yes, which was obviously the stupider option. It took some time but I realized my father was not the type of person I wanted back in my life, although the growing flame of curiosity burned inside of me like a wildfire. What if this letter was the closure I needed? If I was lucky it'd say that he wanted nothing to do with us, but the downside was it would break my heart all over again. On the other hand, what if the letter said Dad did want us in his life? I shook my head, not wanting to lull myself into a false sense of security and get my hopes up again. He made his decision and that was final. Unless it wasn't...
That debate continued in my mind for the next few hours, up until dinner time. Alex yelled for me to come downstairs and eat dinner but I ignored him, knowing I had to make a decision first. If I didn't make a choice now then I feared I wouldn't make one at all. I couldn't make a decision when Dad called about wanting to see us, and it was like this letter was my last chance. Choosing not to read it meant I wasn't letting him back into my life while choosing to read it opened my life to an endless realm of possibilities.
I couldn't do it.
I took the letter out of my backpack and turned on the paper shredder by my desk. I held the envelope over the entrance of the shredder, holding my breath as I did so. I slipped in the tip of the envelope, hearing the sound of the paper fibres being ripped into smaller pieces. I immediately retracted it, unable to go through with this plan. I had to know what he wrote. I ripped open the envelope and pulled out the letter from inside. A sea of emotions coursed through me as I read the handwritten message.
Dani,
Ever since the day I saw you I couldn't stop thinking about how things used to be. Nothing can excuse the way I reacted, and I am so truly sorry but I was just surprised to see you. After I was forced to give up custody of you kids I never thought I'd see you again so I never prepared myself for the moment you would show up on my doorstep.
You and your brothers are everything to me, and now that I know you want me in your life just as much as I want you in mine, I want to see all four of you. I've made mistakes I'm not proud of but I want to be a better father. I want to be there for you, take you out to baseball games, go on hikes in the forest, horseback riding, relive all the adventures I had with you.
I'm adding my number to the bottom of this letter so please call me. I love you, kid.
Love,
Dad
I didn't realize I was crying until a teardrop fell onto the paper, smudging the ink that said Dad. He messed up big time, but he was sorry and wanted us back in his life. My dad loved me, I knew it, and I should have been overjoyed, so why did I feel even worse? Did he actually care about me or did he feel guilty because I showed up on his doorstep? Was this love or was this pity? I knew the answer too damn well. Unable to control my rage, out of complete impulsivity I grabbed my lamp nearby and threw it across the room. It smashed against the wall and fell to the ground, the lightbulb shattering into a million tiny pieces. I knew I was going to get hell for that later but screw it, I didn't care. There wasn't really much I cared for these days.
I mentally prepared myself for a lecture when I heard footsteps running up the stairs. My door swung open and Brenton and Holden barged in, alarmed looks on their faces. Their expressions relaxed when they saw it was only me in here, but when they saw the lamp, the worry returned back to their faces. Brenton picked up the letter that must have fallen to the ground and skimmed it, his eyebrows furrowing. Watching his reaction reading the letter, seeing the broken lamp, and letting the situation dawn upon me was my breaking point. Mix in this situation with the breakup and I turned into a mess.
All of the emotions I had been suppressing came to light and I started to cry. I pulled my knees to my chest and sobbed, feeling my tears pool on my pants. While Brenton was preoccupied with the letter, Holden knelt down beside me, wrapping his arms around me. I was too upset to even push him off, knowing all I needed right now was some human comfort. He pulled me on top of him, and again I was too sad to push myself off his lap, not really caring as I dug my face in his chest. Holden rubbed small circles in my back as I continued to sob in his chest.
A loud slamming noise made me jump in Holden's arms, my head snapping up to see a set of grey eyes boring holes into mine through the closed windows. My breathing stopped when I finally saw James after a week of him avoiding me. Even from the distance I could see faint bruising around his eye, though the rest of his face was looking a lot better. I was hoping to see some kind of warmth in his eyes but he wasn't even looking at me. My heart fell to my feet when I realized he was staring at Holden, whose lap I was practically sitting on. James then looked at me with so much resentment I felt goosebumps forming on my arms and legs. It felt like everything happened in slow motion as I helplessly watched him close the curtains he had left open for months. I pushed myself out of Holden's arms but it was much too late because the damage was already done.
Brenton stormed out of my room and I ran after him to try and grab that letter before he could show Mom. Unfortunately with Brenton's years of lacrosse training he was much faster and had already started explaining the situation to Mom by the time I got to her office downstairs. Holden caught up to me before I could barge into her office and he placed his hand on my shoulder to stop me from going. I hated to admit it but he was right, it was better that I didn't storm in.
I waited at the foot of the stairs until Brenton stepped out of her office, no letter in hand. When he saw me he placed his index finger on his lips, implying I shut up, and he ushered me with his other hand. Holden took this as a sign to not intervene so he went to Alex, who paused his video games to watch us, and took him upstairs. Brenton nodded approvingly at his best friend while looking at me with raised eyebrows. I tiptoed over to him and we pressed our ears against the door of Mom's office, a bad habit we've had since we were kids.
She's calling him, he mouthed.
I audibly gulped, earning a punch to the stomach courtesy of my twin. I flipped him off before pressing my ear back to the door so I could eavesdrop on the conversation.
"Peter," Mom's muffled voice sounded through the door. I couldn't shake off the shivers that ran down my spine by how icy and cold her tone was. "What's the matter with you?" We were hit with silence as he responded. Sadly her phone wasn't on speaker mode so we couldn't hear the other end of the call. "Care to explain to me where you get off sending my daughter a letter?"
Brenton's eyes flickered over to me, and I had to bite my inner cheek to not show a reaction. How interesting that she suddenly referred to me as her daughter when on a typical day she wanted nothing to do with me.
Don't, my twin mouthed, making me roll my eyes.
"I understand, but you willingly gave up custody," Mom's muffled voice continued, bringing our attention back to the call. "You have no reason contacting any of my children. Do this again and I will get the authorities involved."
It boiled my blood that Mom was calling the shots like she actually cared. She was probably more scared of this situation ruining her reputation if it came to light rather than the effect it had on us. While Niko and Brenton were relatively unbothered and Alex was too young to understand, I was devastated. One parent loved me but only wanted to reenter my life because he was overridden with guilt, while the other wanted nothing to do with me but only kept me around because it was her legal responsibility. Brenton rested his hand on my shoulder but I shook it off, suddenly not wanting any form of comfort.
"Goodbye for good, Peter." When the talking died we quickly stepped away from the door just as Mom opened it. She looked at the two of us, an unsurprised look on her face. "I'm assuming you both heard everything?"
Brenton meekly nodded.
For once Mom wasn't even mad about it. "He won't be sending any more letters or messages." Her red lips morphed into a frown when she saw me. "Have you been crying?"
"What do you think?" I spat out before I could stop myself.
"I'm sorry about your father," she spoke in that fake campaigning vote-for-me voice.
"Are you sorry that he hurt me or sorry that I opened the letter?"
Mom had a pained look on her face but I didn't give a damn. "I'm sorry about both. Look, I know this is hard but we'll get through it together."
"So now you want to be a family?" I laughed bitterly. "You've been doing a real shitty job of it the past five years."
"Dani," Brenton hissed.
Mom raised her hand to silence him. "It's fine, Brenton."
"I hope you know James broke up with me, so thank you so much for ruining something really amazing in my life," I continued, letting out everything I'd been withholding. "I can't wait until fall so I never have to see your face again. All you've done is ruin my life. You don't care about any of us, the only goddamn person you care about is yourself."
I knew my words stung, and I felt bad for even saying them, but enough was enough. Mom didn't care about any of us and it was about time I called her out for it. She was just counting down the days until Brenton and I were off to college so she could wave her money and send us away. I didn't want anything to do with Dad either, but he was the one to hold this family together, not her. Lucky for her, getting away from here was exactly what I wanted too. Just a few more months and she'd get her wish so we never had to see each other again.