00:17 - 26/12/2024
on the background: ã30åèä¹ ããªã¼BGMã2:23 AM / ãããããå ¬å¼ã
This is all so absurd. I don't even think I care anymore, unfortunately. "Losing it"...I wonder who is this great person who hasn't lost it. Or who keeps the head on the neck. Thinking about it, I don't think I'm able to keep mine on my neck, I don't feel like it belongs there. I prefer to carry my head around like a balloon, let it fly for a while and then retrieve it, kind of like with kites, but without depending on the wind. Simply soar upward, sway a little, look at the world from a distance and return to the ground without ever touching it. If someone tried to tie my string to a rock I think I would die.
I would want to go to a square and say things. I don't know what I would say, actually, in fact, once I'm there I might as well go silent. Take my things and go somewhere else. Sometimes I feel like I have a lot to say, but then once the time comes to say it, it's not that much. Maybe it's just that I don't know how to tell, which is strange, because there are so many occasions when I am forced to tell things. And maybe I would like to be a teacher. That's strange, I just don't understand that, and not in the sense that I can't reason except in a rational way, but that it's not clear to me from all other points of view either.
They say the world goes on. It's really moving on, although it doesn't feel right to give a definition. Who needs a definition of something we all feel? Sometimes it is really useless to look for words for feelings. They can never be painted anyway, except with external images.
I wonder what my problem is. Do I think I have one? I think I have so many of them. Maybe there aren't so many, it's just that they seem huge to me and I can't visualize them well. I definitely don't understand myself when I'm with other people. Not entirely, after all when I sit down to talk to myself it's not so mysterious anymore, but in the moment it's an enigma, I start off automatically without telling myself anything clear. Acting without thinking? Acting out of fear, out of a sense of inadequacy. Why on earth do you confuse feelings with reasoning? Thoughts have nothing to do with how you feel. Jesus Christ, why don't you just tell yourself what you feel, leaving aside the ifs, the buts, the whys? Tell me what you feel.
Okay, here it is then: I'm discouraged. I'm tired. What a generic word. That's a thought you associate with a feeling you feel all the time but can't point to except with "tired." Have you run a marathon? Have you done a workout? Have you walked all day? Maybe, the latter. But no. So I'm not tired. I'm discouraged. Definitely better. And so, you give yourself over to total delirium and shut down and preclude yourself from having a nice Christmas with your family for that reason. A more than valid reason, from a certain point of view. And actually, what can I do about it, if I feel a certain way?
My God, I certainly can't change the way I feel about ... others. I don't have to come to terms with my own feelings, oh my goodness. Why do I do this all the time! Why am I so angry now? Because enough is enough! Enough is enough, I would say, or is it? But enough to whom, forgive me! To yourself? It's so absurd that I don't understand myself. I hate hate hate hate hate the situation I'm in, I hate it with all my heart, I wish someone would come and save me. Kind of a stupid thought, you're always waiting for the mysterious stranger to come and save you. And then you don't fit one. What do you want from life? ...To be well. To stop having to worry about not being the way I am, about being afraid of the world crushing me, about my and everyone else's hypocrisy and selfishness.
What a peculiar Christmas. Somehow, it makes sense.