Chapter Thirty

n.

A knock sounds on the door and I quickly wipe my tears away, pulling the thin blanket they gave me up to my chin. I'd sent Blake back home without me, although that took almost as much convincing as I had will to live. Although right now, that wasn't much.

"Come in" I call, wincing at how shaky and weak my voice sounds. No matter how much I didn't want to admit it, I've always needed someone to be my backbone for me. With Grayson at first, and then Peyton behind me, I could take anyone down with a couple of words. Without them there, I couldn't even bring myself to WANT to.

Surprisingly, Selah walks into the room as gracefully as ever, although her face tells a different story. She looks exactly like what I saw in the camera when I wanted to see how I looked earlier, and afterwards, vowed to never look in a mirror again for the next fifty years.

"What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be banging Armani for the entire night, since there's no adult supervision here?" I ask, and her face instantly turns to stone, no trace of emotion detectable. Damn, she's good. Still, why'd she show me she was sad in the first place, if she could've just been all stoic before?

"Armani and I aren't a thing anymore. I came here to see if you wanted to ride back to school with me. My mom can pull some strings and get you all signed out without your parents" she offers, folding her arms protectively over her chest.

My stomach flutters, and I instantly feel a bit better after hearing the news. I'd never even gotten to have a real conversation with Armani Hendrix. But NOW, I actually had a chance if SHE was out of the way.

"I'd love your mom to get me signed out. Mine's away in Cabo, so she wouldn't have been able to make it here in a timely fashion. BUT, I'd like you to drop me off at Grayson's cabin. If not, I'll call a car for myself".

I was sure that he'd take pity on me with the crutches I'd have and drive me home the next day. It'd be a nice time for us to get to know one another and bond. And if he needed to, he could cry on my shoulder about their breakup. Of course, I'd wear a shirt that I didn't care very much about. And then, when all of the tears were gone, he'd realize how much I'd been there for him through the hard times. By then, he'd be so in love with me, he'd realize he was never that into her, anyway.

"Right" she agrees, stepping back out into the hallway to talk to her mom. And the woman works fast. We're all signed out in under ten minutes, and I even get the hot nurse's number who wheels me out of the place. He told me that he'd answer after I graduated high school, wife or not.

Selah doesn't speak to me in the ride to the cabin, nor does she say goodbye when she pulls away. Luckily, I couldn't care less. I had too much of her ex-boyfriend on the brain to think about it. It was around three in the morning, and I'd have thought that everyone was asleep if I didn't hear the yelps and laughter coming from the backyard.

It was a struggle in the crutches to make my way up the stairs, but thanks to my morning yoga, I manage to ascend them and head into the house. The door was unlocked, which was only dangerous because of bears that could be in the area. I lock it behind myself.

"What are you doing here?".

I jump, hobbling around to face Grayson whose standing there in nothing but blue, low hanging pajama pants. The urge to enjoy him as a huge fuck you to Peyton was battling with my 'he's off-limits' side and might've won if he wasn't so angry.

"I...I came to talk to you, Gray. You're all I've been able to think about since you left earlier today" I sort-of lie. He was one of the more PRESSING issues in my mind, for sure. The fact that my eyes were swollen from crying and an actual human was seeing me like this took number one, two and three.

"I'm sorry for how harsh I was earlier, but I'm not ready to talk to you, yet. You talked so bad about everyone I love in those messages, and that hurt like hell, since it came from the person I love most in this world. I've come to realize how unhealthy being in your space is, and that I need take you off of that pedestal I've always put you on, so I need some space. You don't have to leave, sure, but there's nothing we need to talk about for now".

The person he loves most in the world. That line repeats itself over and over in my mind and a sort of desperation overcomes me. I needed him to love me, or I wouldn't have anyone else to do it.

"But I didn't MEAN any of it, Gray! Well, the things I said about you, at least. You have to know that I don't actually think of you that way".

He chuckles. "Nastassia, I know. I practically RAISED you, didn't I? Which probably means that I shouldn't have kids, because I did a horrible job. You've always been the way you are. When Jalen Cane knocked me off of my bike, you said the absolute worst things about him TO ME. But you had the biggest crush on that guy, and would sneak over to his house and paint with him in his backyard. It just hurt to see that I didn't mean enough to you, to not be picked over someone you'd only known for months when it counted".

I'd have to stalk all of JC's social media when I got into my room. He was my first kiss, cuddled up in his hammock the summer before ninth grade. It was incredibly romantic, and the best first kiss anyone could ever hope for. And he could've only gotten hotter.

"My luggage is sitting outside in the snow. Could you at least help me with that before you shut me out of your life forever? I thought you were the one person I could count on to love me forever. I guess I was wrong".

A skill that I've learned from a young age, was to pull the smaller things out of the horrible sentence that's being said to you, and think about that instead. My mom gave me the most practice at it, than I'd ever ask for. It's the only reason I wasn't crying right now. I couldn't care any less about Jason Cane.

"Don't try and turn this around on me like I'm the one who did something wrong, Nastassia. You're the toxic one in this relationship. And I've never said anything about not loving you or shutting you out of my life. I said that I need time and space. Give me that, at least".

People always say how hearing that someone wasn't angry, but disappointed in you hurt the most. But he was both, and I didn't know what to do about it.

Still, at least he brought in my luggage.