Chapter 39: Our Secret Moments: Chapter 39

CONNOR AT SOME POINT, I will eventually learn how to tell my sister no. And maybe she’ll also know when to listen to me.

After the game, I let her rope me into a stupid party at Oliver’s house. I don’t understand how she managed to find out before I did. Hell, even Archer was there and got an invite before I knew. She had a party outfit under the jersey she was wearing and she and Elle were ready to go the second we came back out of the changing rooms.

I let her give me more and more drinks until I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t focus on anything other than Catherine before I had the drinks and drinking only made it worse. I always knew I would never be one of those people who can drink loads and either not feel a thing or end up bouncing off the walls. I’m not Wes, for God’s sake.

No.

I’m a sad drunk.

Which means leaving the party early, downing as many waters as I can to sober up and sitting in my dorm alone as I repeatedly call Cat’s phone. The girls didn’t tell me where she went. Not like they could anyway, they’re both off their faces. I’m not expecting her to answer, whatever she’s doing, but I like knowing that she knows that I’ve tried to contact her in some way or another.

As much as I have every right to be annoyed with her, I just can’t. So what if she missed the end of one of the greatest games I’ve ever played? I might not have had her there, but I was surrounded by the love of my family and my other friends. I worked well with the team and we managed to pull off a great game. That should be enough for me.

I pace around the empty dorm, needing to do something with myself. All the alcohol has worn off and all I’m left with is a heavy pit in my stomach, longing for her. Fuck. I really am a sappy shit, aren’t I?

Whatever’s going on, I can’t just storm over to her dorm all the way across campus and expect her to be there. She might not even want to talk to me.

Oh, god.

What if she doesn’t want to talk to me? What then?

She’s quite literally the only person I want to talk to sometimes. I want to live in a bubble with her, play house in a place where no one can hurt us. She feels like half of my soul. She’s not the part of me I thought was missing or needed fixing. She’s the part of me that’s always been with me and she brought me back to life.

So if I need to wait, I’ll wait.

CAT By the time I get back to my dorm, it’s early hours in the morning.

I’ve spent the last five hours hanging out with JoJo and finally having a grown up conversation with my dad. I had no distractions. No phone to pull out to use as an excuse. I didn’t try to pull out my journal and back out of the inevitable conversation. Instead, I sat through it and I bade it welcome home.

I didn’t realise how much we needed to have that conversation until tonight. Like JoJo said, it shouldn’t take her almost dying in front of us to realise we had to fix up our act. We’ve been misunderstanding each other for years and pushing each other away instead of being there for each other in our moments of need. She was right. We were both too stubborn to admit how much we needed each other.

Of course she is.

When I finally push open my bedroom door, the first thing I do is plug my phone onto charge and fall face first on my bed.

Just having regular emotions is exhausting enough. My brain is still struggling to keep up with the events of the day, but the second my phone restarts and my messages and miscalls start to pop up, I’m thinking of one person and one person only.

Connor.

I sit up in the bed, pulling the covers right to my chin as I lean over, picking up my phone still connected to the wire. All my messages and miscalls are from him.

CONNIE Baby, where did you go?

Is everything okay?

Are you okay?

Call me when you can.

Please let me know that you’re okay.

Are you mad at me?

I don’t care if you were screaming in my face and telling me to leave, I still need to know you’re okay.

I’ll stay up until I know you’re okay. Just text.

My hands shake as I press the call button, trying to see if his last message is actually true. Part of me doesn’t want him to answer. I don’t want him to have missed out on sleep because of me. If I was smart enough to buy a charger whilst I was out or brought my own, I wouldn’t have to be calling him at two in the morning.

He answers on the second ring.

“Catherine? Are you okay? Please tell me you’re at home,” he says, breathing heavily.

“I’m in my dorm,” I whisper, turning on my side. The weight of the day crashes onto my chest and I don’t have the energy to explain what happened today. “Something happened with my dad and JoJo today, but I don’t want to talk about it. Is that…. Is that okay?”

“Of course it is, sweetheart.” His voice is so soft and gentle I just want it to put me right to sleep. Well, there’s an idea.

“Do you think you could stay with me on the phone until I go to sleep?” I ask, twisting one of my hands in the comforting fabric of my bedsheets.

“Of course,” he replies instantly.

Comfortable silence washes over us for a few beats. “I’m sorry for missing the game. I know how important it was for you, but I know the first half was amazing. You were amazing.”

He sighs. “You don’t have to apologise.”

“But, I do. I hate that I left you. You know how important it is to me for people to show up and I didn’t show up for you, and I’m sorry. I really am,” I whisper.

“I was annoyed, but you mean so much more to me than any game could, whether you’re in the stands or not. Your family needed you. As long as you’re safe, that’s all that matters to me.”

I bite my bottom lip. “Are you sure? You’re allowed to be mad at me, Connor.”

“I know, but I’m not. It was hard, but we’re both okay now, right?” I close my eyes at the sound of his voice.

“Yeah,” I sigh, wanting him closer to me now more than ever. “Too bad you live on the other side of campus, huh?” I try to add some sort of humour to my voice, but it just sounds sad and weak, much like how I feel right now.

“Yeah, it’s too bad,” he replies. “Do you want me to distract you until you fall asleep?”

“Yes, please.”

He shuffles on the end of the phone, but I can’t tell exactly what he’s doing. Maybe he’s getting comfortable in bed. “Okay, imagine that I’m with you. What would you want me to do?’

I don’t even have to think about my response. It’s all I’ve thought about since my dad dropped me off outside of campus. “I’d lay on my back, you’d lay on my chest, where you’d be able to keep me down, keep me calm… keeping me safe.”

“I’d like that,” he says, his voice hoarse and rough. “What else?”

“I’d stretch my arm out and you’d put your arm over mine and you’d lock your fingers with mine. We’d stay like that for a few minutes until I start to feel you everywhere.”

“That sounds really good,” he says, his breathing suddenly heavier. Weird. “Keep going.” I open my mouth to speak, but when I hear a groan on his side, I stop, frowning even though he can’t see me.

“Are you jerking off right now?” I ask, laughing quietly.

“No,” he pants.

“Are you lying to me?’

“Also, no.”

“Then what are you doing?” I get out through another laugh. I sit up further in bed, still hearing his heavy breathing on the other end of the phone.

“Open your door, Catherine.”

“What?” I gawk, a little too loud. “Is this your version of phone sex where I have to open the door because you get off on knowing that someone could walk in? Because if it is, I’m really not in the mood to–”

He groans. “Just open your door.”

I do as I’m told and walk through my bedroom door towards the door to my dorm. The wind is basically knocked out of me when I see Connor. I don’t know why it feels like it’s been years since I’ve seen him. Years since I’ve felt him, or heard his voice.

He doesn’t make a move to come in. Instead, he looks down at me, his smile bright and soft. “Spin for me.”

“What?” I laugh, a real smile spreading across my face.

“You heard me, sweetheart. The last time I saw you in a jersey, it wasn’t my number you had on your back. I want to see you.”

He lifts one of my hands above my head and urges me to spin around. I stumble slightly as I do, but he catches me, laughing. He tries to spin me again the other way and I end up tripping over again and now we’re both laughing.

“You’ve got to be quiet, baby,” he manages through a chuckle, shaking his head at me.

“Then stop making me laugh,” I whisper-shout, hitting him in the arm. He catches my wrist, circling his huge hand around it easily.

“Why would I? It’s my favourite thing to do,” he mutters, pulling me further into him until his back presses against the door. He leans down to me, and we both know what we need without saying it.

I wrap my arms around his middle, snuggling my head into his chest. He holds me there, his steady heartbeat soft against my ear. He doesn’t pester me, or ask me what happened today and I don’t ask him anything either. We just exist together. Feel together. He feels like coming home.