Chapter 17: Chapter 15

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

If something is destroyed, how can it still be saved?

Chapter 15

"She's back."

A hand cupped the back of my head, tilting it up, and I felt something grooved touch my bottom lip, warm liquid sloshing against the rim.

"Drink."

I obeyed. Swallowing the earthy tasting water in huge gulps. It got rid of the awful taste lingering on my tongue, and wet my dry throat. Heat spread from my chest outwards, and it was then I felt how freezing my fingers and toes were, so much so they burned. My head pounded and darkness hid my sight, swirling shadows swelling and throbbing in time with my stuttering heart.

"I can't see."

A growl rumbled from my left.

Suddenly aware of Hati's presence, alongside Eirny by my right leg, I tipped my head towards where I guessed he stood, the spot I could sense the air fizzling with a anger, tainted by the sour smell of fear.

The hand behind my head lowered down my back to help me sit up properly against the wooden headboard, and the movement brought an ache to my chest. My hand flew to the spot. The very spot I had a vague recollection of being shoved by a woman who looked like a dreaded Sluagh; eerily beautiful even with one half of her face rotted away.

Had I had my first meeting with Hel? Was the fact I could remember everything that had happened mean I was beginning to exert a measure of control over my power?

I swallowed.

If I'd known what I would learn, if I'd known I'd have Mànas torn from my hands again, and learn more about what I was, would I have decided to listen to Hati and stay away?

The goddess had told me she would see me again soon, whether it was to return souls to Náströnd or some other reason; and I could only think of one. I should have found relief that part of my path was clear, that I was to rid the world of Blood Drinkers. But at what cost to myself?

Panic swelled like a tidal wave, more crushing than the force that dragged my soul through veils and realms. A vice gripped around my throat and I suddenly I was wheezing, one hand pressed against my bruised chest while the other tried to claw away what wrapped round my throat. I could hear muffled voices but not what was said, and then the scalding heat of a branding iron tearing my hand away from my throat.

"There's nothing there, Eabha, listen to me. You're hurting yourself, there's nothing there. It's a side effect from being among the dead, an illusion, nothing more. Breathe." The bed dipped, and a male thigh brushed up against my own. Hati's voice was soft, spellbinding as he forced his presence to be felt through my panic. Fingers squeezed my wrist, releasing slowly before sliding up my arm, over my shoulder, and up my neck to cup my cheek. "I have you, my female."

His eyes were the first thing that returned to my sight.

Two orbs of burning fire chased away the darkness until my mate's face came into view, as stricken as it was furious.

I hiccuped. The expression faltered. And when I flung myself against his chest with heaving sobs, he melted. Comforting noises rumbled from his chest as his fingers rubbed at the roots of my hair, his other arm locked tight around me, as if to prove he was there, that I was safe. I couldn't get close enough. Couldn't get warm enough no matter how I nuzzled against him.

The judgement of the Gods. It's you. They whisper that it's you.

Would he hold me so close if he knew?

I'd warned him. I'd warned him there was something wrong with me, something dark that crept out when my magic felt strong. . .something that made me dangerous. . .

I didn't care if my Alpha found me weak in that moment, and if he did, he didn't care. He held me together as I broke, crushing my to his chest, and for a second my heart warmed with loving appreciation.

"I could hear his heart," I choked between softening cries. "I could hear it. I could feel him, smell him, he was warm to touch, he even looked older. How could that be? Why create such a cruel mirage? I should have brought him back with me. Why can't I just bring back? Maybe that's what she meant. That I would come back for him. I can't leave him alone there. It should have been him. All I am should have been him, he would have been better. I should be there instead."

My rambling wails were probably unintelligible to Hati and Eirny. He tried to hush me and get me to explain what I meant, but I couldn't. Over and over again, my mind replayed the sadness cracking my brother's face as I was torn away. As he was torn from me.

How could anyone live with this weight?

Even in death, he had thought of me. He'd given up staying with our Uncle Aonghas, our Alpha, and seeing our mother's ancestors in land they'd roamed before leaving Tir Na Nog for this mortal realm thousands of years ago. He'd given up his life, and his afterlife. For me.

Rocking gently side to side, I could feel my mate's turmoil in the stiffness of his jaw propped on top of my head. My fingers curled against his bare chest, nails digging in, but the sting didn't bother him, or he knew I needed it.

Slowly, the sobs turned back to hiccups and I felt able to take a proper, shuddering breath.

"You saw Mànas?" he asked in a gentle murmur, rumbling a purr when the very mention of my brother's name brought a fresh waterfall of tears that fell no matter how hard I squeezed my eyes shut. He heaved a sigh and pressed a kiss to the crown of my head. "Oh, Elskan Mín."

He didn't berate me. Didn't tell me I shouldn't, or couldn't, bring him back. Didn't argue that I was foolish for going back to the land of the dead, that I'd made a mistake. He just let me feel until my stomach stopped churning and my body relaxed somewhat against his.  When he did finally speak, I listened.

"He is there for the very same reason you would take his place, Eabha. You love each other. Death has parted you and still I have never seen a sibling bond as strong as you and he share, strong enough he could call to you from beyond the veil before your powers had properly begun to manifest." He placed another hot kiss to my forehead. "Think on this too, changing positions would not have lessened anyone's pain. Your mother and father would still have lost a pup. Niamh and Anndra, a beloved sibling. If he had been in your place, he might have made different decisions that could have led to more good, or more death, and more harm. He might never have come here and found me. Sköll might have found him first. Because he is not you.

"You got your family here. You stood your ground when you could have thought yourself mad and crumbled under doubt. You have stood up to Vargr, dead gods, territorial goddesses, and human politics. Do not give yourself less than you deserve, Alpha Eabha NicTabhin, wielder of magic, defender of wolves, huntress, savior. . ." He tilted my chin up to kiss me, his tongue skimming the seem of my lips. "My mate. Do not torture yourself with the infinite number of what ifs."

He listed my merits with pride warming his tone, and some of my doubts did melt away. I rested my forehead against his and closed my eyes, breathing in as he breathed out.

"I need her wrist," Eirny murmured, issuing a growl when I resisted her tug on my arm.

I nearly growled back, but that would have required energy, and I was drained. Limp and exhausted. Allowing her to take my wrist, I ignored her as she pressed two fingers down, humming to herself after a minute or so.

"I don't need a scolding," I said quietly. "But I won't lie and say I didn't intend to go back. Not last night though. . .I just sort of. . .ended up there."

"The look on your face tells me you understand now why I warned you. As much as the living should not wander the land of the dead, the living should not have all the knowledge of the dead either." His gaze lowered to my neck where I could feel the sting of scratches my own nails had left, then down to my chest where a bruise was blooming. His lips twisted. "I did also warn you about it being polite to ask for an invitation before showing up in another's realm."

"I don't need an invitation," I grumbled, wiping tears and snot away on the sleeve of the chemise I'd slept in to stave off the cold.

The two wolves eyed me sceptically. Hati with an odd look of frustrated amusement.

"Your sarcasm is cute, but this is serious." His hand slid to mine and he hissed, rubbing his burning thumb over freezing digits. He shook his head, glancing over at Eirny. "Her skin is like ice, and she can barely keep her head up. I won't have her anywhere near any of them like this."

"Any of who?" I asked, trying to focus my gaze on his so he would settle.

"A reply came from Ásgarður late in the night, a summons more than a reply to my request for an audience. I was woken by Caldar saying there was a damn messenger at our gates. Of course they'd choose that hour, make a point in dragging me out of bed. I left you to sleep rather than wake you." He sneered at first, then suddenly slumped back and a ran a hand over his face. "Of course. I left you to sleep. . .when I came back you were cold. It was me. You've been sleeping peacefully because me."

Maybe it was exhaustion that made me snigger despite myself. "Such an ego."

Eirny cackled, rising from the bed. "Indeed, but he may be right. Like me, Hati's magic is adept at healing and calming, even if he has a penchant to chose more chaotic magic. The wards around the castle wouldn't stop a safe intention."

I didn't know how I felt about Hati, even unknowingly, using magic on me. But I had been grateful for peaceful sleep the last few nights. That he'd been summoned to Asgard only added to my unease.

"I have a message for you too," I said, giving him a watery smile. "My brother told me to tell you that he's watching you, and should you treat me badly, he will find a way to make you pay."

Bright-fire eyes widened slightly. "You risked your life to go to Helheim so your brother could threaten me from across the veil? He risked calling you to him for that?"

"Of course not, and do not see it as a threat alone. He is watching us. That's an honour."

"He is watching you. As many are. At this rate I shall have to tether my soul to yours in order to do the same."

He was frightened. And it was my fault. Nipping at his jaw and rubbing against his chest wasn't enough to assure him I was alright, and rubbing my head beneath his chin and offering my throat in return wasn't enough supplication to ease his frustration with me. But I couldn't find the words to tell him the real reason Mànas had summoned me.

"You should finish Eirny's tea, and eat if she allows it. I must go to Caldar and arrange with my council to prepare for our absence." Peeling away from the bed, he stood and closed his eyes, stretching to relieve the tension. When he cast his gaze back at me, it was softer, but no less disapproving. "When you are ready to tell me what Mànas said, I will be there to listen, and hold you. He is a good male. . .threatening an alpha for his sister."

You would have loved each other as much as you would have challenged each other, I wanted to tell him, but the grief trapped the words. They would never meet. And more than any other, I wanted Hati to meet the brother who'd helped mould me into who I am.

Leaning down, Hati cupped the back of my head and guided me to sink into him once more. "I will send for your mother for you."

"Thank you."

How had he known I need her?

A kiss to the top of my head, a pointed look to Eirny, and he left our den to arrange for our departure. . .to Asgard. . .for an audience with gods. . .

I snorted, then covered my face when Eirny blanched at the sound. Nothing was funny, I knew that.

Venturing to ask the only other wolf I knew would have knowledge, I dropped my gaze to pick at a bobble of threat on the blanket covering lap, "Eirny, do you believe it is possible for one to be both saviour and destructor?"

Her hands slowed in folding a ragged cloth, lavender eyes searching my face before she sat back down with a warm hand on my leg. "I suppose. . .sometimes things must be destroyed to be saved; crops gone bad must be rid of to save the rest, setting a fire on land can stop wildfires in their tracks, limbs removed to stop infection spreading. . .lives ended to save a world. . . However, I am certain of this, you are not evil, Eabha. Nor callous or cruel. If you were to act or do something others might see as destructive, I would trust that you had no choice but to; that you were doing it because you must to protect those you love."

I fell silent as I contemplated her words, but they didn't sooth the niggling doubts plaguing me. I could promise myself to do nothing that would shadow my soul but could I keep it, was there anything I wouldn't do to keep my loved ones safe? The answer was no. And the certainty that if I would burn worlds to save them was as terrifying as any outside power.

What would the future hold for Mànas to think it could be me, and not Sköll, who would topple gods from their pedestals? Why would the gods give me the power to do so in the first place?

A rattle of hinges and the door to Hati's den swung open. Mother hesitated at the entrance, her gaze sweeping over her Alpha's den with keen appraisal but a twitch of skin showed she wasn't comfortable in the heart of another's territory.

"This space is mine as much as his, a mhamaidh," I called to her. "I need a hug."

I felt too old to be demanding one, but my mother was moving before I could tell her what was wrong, the request from her pup sweeping away her hesitations about coming into the room. Sitting opposite Eirny, she bundled me into her arms and her familiar purr was as comforting as it was when I was small.

"She is physically well," Eirny spoke up, perhaps prompted by the way I sensed my mother's hackles bristle at the sight of the healer.

"I trust you, Eirny," mother said quietly as she rubbed her hand up and down my back. "We are family now."

"Remind your teeth."

Eirny's quip dissolved the tension in the air. Mother's shoulders shook as she laughed sheepishly, her hackles softening. She took a deep breath and leaned back, eyes as dark as the fairy pools in the isle of mist roving over my face. Hati must have told her something, because when she spoke, her voice was laced with grief and heavy with resignation.

"Macha never guided Mànas' soul to Donn did she? He is not waiting for us at Teach Duinn so one day we can travel together to the Otherworld?"

Slowly, pained, I shook my head. She nodded slowly, shoulders slumping.

"Then I will not see my first-born again."

It was as if I could feel her pain as my own. My ribs crushed my lungs, squeezing out the air. That had been her final ray of hope, the thing that had kept her moving in the beginning, the knowledge her some was waiting for her.

"I don't know, a mhamaidh. If you do not meet again, know that he sends his love, and take comfort that he will see father again; he is running with our father's ancestors, with the eternal pack who hunt together in meadows forever caught between spring and summer." Under the watchful eyes of a goddess who had literally shoved me from her realm. I rubbed my bruised chest.

Sucking in a breath of amazement, mother cupped my cheek in her warm hand, smearing my cheek in white flour. "What did I do to be blessed with the pups I have?"

"What did I do to be cursed with Hati and Astrid?" Eirny watched us both with, shockingly, jealousy on her face. "Neither of my pups would sit so still and preening if I touched them with anything close to affection."

Mother nuzzled her nose to mine. "That is just my Eabha, always happy to be fussed over and petted. Mànas too if nobody saw. My younger two are most uninterested in a cuddle unless tired or cold."

"You are embarrassing me, mother. I am to meet a goddess soon."

"A goddess? Not with all that sweat and now flour on your skin you're not. Nor will I have you go before a goddess, representing the ancestors of my land, with your hair a matted mess. We will wash you, I will braid your hair in our style, and find a piece of tartan for you to take too." Her chin jut out. "They have taken my son, but they will not take you, so you will go before them with my scent on your skin so they know which mother-wolf they would need to go through first."

Awe filled my as I studied the fierce determination in her dark eyes. I had underestimated her all these years.

"Yes, Mother."