Chapter 13: Chapter 12

"It won't be for very long, I'm sure," Neea said. "Just until she can get into a rehab clinic."

"How long?" Teddy asked. He stood in the doorway of her bedroom as she folded laundry on her bed.

"A few days maybe."

"It's already been long enough!" Teddy said, raising his voice. "This is too much!"

"Please, Ted," Neea said. "She'll hear you."

Darwin was resting downstairs on the couch in the living room. Neea had gotten her cleaned up and bandaged then made her a sandwich for lunch. After that the girl just needed sleep.

"I don't care if she hears me!" said Teddy loudly.

"Listen, we'll get her into a clinic, and then I'm sure her parents will want to come and take her home when she's feeling better. But until then we can't just send her back out onto the streets."

"Mom, this is totally insane! I'm not doing this, OK?"

"Ted, it's just..."

"You didn't even ask me first! You do this stuff and it's like it doesn't even matter what I think! I'll go to Dad's if I have to, I mean it. I'm not staying here if she's..." Teddy stopped himself. He was so mad his voice was getting shaky.

Neea knew not to push him. She waited, adding a neatly folded t-shirt to a stack of Teddy's clothes, and listened as his breathing settled. Finally she left the laundry and went to where Teddy stood, took his hand in both of hers and said quietly, "I'm just so worried about what will happen to Darwin if we don't help her."

Teddy looked at his mother and sighed. He knew what she meant.

Sienna.

• • • •

Somehow I wasn't KO'ed when Kodi punched me. I went down immediately of course, but stayed conscious, even while he stood over me and hit me twice more in the face.

I had my hands up to try and protect myself but that wasn't doing any good. I remember shutting my eyes, waiting for another punch, but he didn't hit me again. He just said "Fuck, Darwin," as if he was disappointed that I'd forced him to beat me up. Then he took off.

I stayed there on the ground groaning pathetically until a car started to come down the alley, then I got up, pretending like I'd just been having a nap or something, pulled my hood forward so people wouldn't see my messed up face, and walked away. My mouth and cheek were throbbing and I was surprised, when I checked, that all my teeth seemed to be in place.

Kodi's rage was both totally in character and completely unexpected. It obviously wasn't just about the memorial to Lorraine, or even Kodi being embarrassed for his lack of scientific knowledge—there was clearly something else going on. I think I was more than just collateral damage.

I think Kodi was pissed at me because I was making it awkward for him to be with Bryn. He didn't lure me to the alley to beat me up, but all that anger was boiling up inside him and it just came blasting out.

I'm back at Neea and Teddy's but I didn't exactly decide to come here. From that alley, I just walked, not trying to find Kodi, not going back to the Couch and the others, not going to Yvonne's or to the Gin Hole or to have a cup of tea at the fucking Empress Hotel—not going to any of the other places I could have gone, and by not going anyplace else, I ended up here.

The meth is definitely wearing off and the dreaded come-down's coming on but so far isn't too bad. I'm lying on the couch in the living room under a heavy blanket. I'm dead tired but not exactly sleepy, so I'm just lying here eyes closed, hearing but not really listening to Neea and Teddy talking upstairs, probably about me.

The boy is understandably a little anguished about having an intruder in their midst. This was always going to be awkward, but so be it. The edge of the wool blanket is scratchy against my cheek but at the moment I'm really into not moving so I ignore it.

Neea was pretty freaked about Kodi beating me up. She wants me to go to the police and file a report. "He's dangerous and violent. He needs to be stopped, Darwin. He needs to get help!"

I agreed with everything she said then told her that I'm definitely not doing that. If Kodi ever found out that I'd told the police, he'd kill me. Possibly literally, but whatever, it would be way worse than a few punches to the face. I'm not about to voluntarily bring that on myself.

My parents never beat me. My mother always found deeper ways to hurt me, and my dad wouldn't hurt a fly. My high school boyfriend Ethan could be cruel at times, but he definitely wasn't a hitter. I've never been in a fight in my life unless you count Jenna Patrick slapping me in grade four right in front of Miss Buller who stepped in before I could even retaliate, so when Kodi hit me, it was a total shock. Maybe I'm an idiot for being with a violent guy, for believing it would never happen to me, but that's what I believed, and that's what I had to believe in order to stay with him all those months.

So yeah, I was stunned at first, but after that I was just incredibly sad about it all. Sad, and pissed off. I don't intend to be one of those girls who forgives the guy and hopes he'll change. Fuck that. I know Kodi won't change. Yeah, I loved him—and I'm pretty sure for a while he loved me too—but when his fists were hitting my face it didn't feel like love.

That should be, like, Rule Number 1: if you love someone, you don't hit them. And the flip-side to that—let's call it Rule Number 1-B—if someone hits you, don't love them.

Kodi hit me. I don't love him anymore.

• • • •

Teddy was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. He had his headphones on and was listening to a post-metal band called Trossin and letting the distorted drone of the music flood his mind. This time his mother really was going too far. It was like she thought that by helping Darwin she could undo what happened to Sienna.

Teddy would never admit it to Neea but he was angry at Sienna for what happened. If she hadn't messed around with hard drugs and died, Teddy's parents would probably still be together.

Well, maybe not, he thought. And maybe that wouldn't even be good. They were pretty different. It was actually hard to imagine Neea and Alan ever being together in the first place. But still, Sienna's death put both his parents through the kind of hell that most people never have to deal with in their entire lives. Teddy thought they probably blamed themselves for what happened to her. They put on appearances of contentment and happiness most of the time but they were hiding a sadness that would never go away.

And why? Because Sienna wanted some thrills in her life and didn't know what she was getting into. It was stupid and so unfair.

Teddy's last girlfriend, Naomi, liked to smoke weed and took Ecstasy a couple of times when they were together. She always seemed a little disappointed that he wasn't interested and then when he told her about Sienna she got all defensive like she thought he was being preachy when he was just explaining why he wasn't into it.

You'd think that his mother, of all people, would understand that he didn't want to be around drugs or people who use them.

"Hey Dad," Teddy said.

"Ted! How ya doing? What you been up to?"

Alan always acted so surprised to hear from him, his subtle way of reminding Teddy that he didn't call often enough. Teddy didn't feel like delving into the details about what was going on with Darwin, them hitting her with their car, his mom helping her get better, etc.

"Not much," he said. "Hey, I'm wondering if it's still okay if I come over there for Thanksgiving weekend."

Neea sat at the desk in the dining room and did a search on her laptop for drug rehab treatments in the Victoria area and found a few clinics in and around the city. She printed out info sheets for the most promising ones and put them into a file folder she labelled "Darwin: rehab". She'd make an appointment with Dr. Rao, her family doctor, for Darwin and see if he was familiar with any of the clinics and available treatments.

She really hoped that Teddy might start to feel some compassion for Darwin. Maybe this whole thing would be good for him. He needed to learn that the world was bigger than his little group of friends and his safe and tidy neighbourhood. Victoria was a good city, but like any city it had its dark corners and Teddy should be aware of them. This girl Darwin had managed to slip into one and Neea was determined to pull her out, whether it made Teddy uncomfortable or not.

Googling for general info about meth withdrawal and rehabilitation, Neea was getting the feeling that the web might not be an infallible resource. There seemed to be a lot of conflicting information and most of it was just opinions based on the experiences of individuals. Even among the experts there was plenty of disagreement about how best to treat addiction. Neea wondered if Dr. Rao had any experience with addiction, or could at least point her in the direction of someone who did. She'd call his office in the morning and make an appointment for her and Darwin to come in and discuss it. Darwin could get a general check-up as well.

Neea sat back in her chair and stared blankly at the row of browser tabs across the top of her computer screen, all dealing with addiction and crystal meth. She looked into the living room where Darwin slept on the couch, just a slender shape under the zigzag-patterned grey blanket Neea bought a few years ago on a trip with Teddy to Vaasa on the west coast of Finland. The girl was turned toward the back of the couch and the blanket barely moved with her breathing. This could have been me, she thought.

Growing up in the Helsinki neighbourhood of Kaivopuisto, only child to loving but busily distracted parents, Neea had sometimes felt guilty for her relative prosperity and other times felt oppressed by the safe and sheltered life she led there. Her best friend, Annika Niemi, couldn't understand Neea's restlessness and teased her for not being satisfied, even though Annika herself did nothing but complain about her own life and her big, noisy, awkward family. Neea laughed at Annika's complaints, secretly jealous of the loud and quite un-Finnish turmoil of the Niemi house.

The two of them, while never sympathizing with one another, found comfort in their shared angst. They would egg each other on to various forms of rebellion, beginning with the mild transgressions of staying out later and straying farther from home than their parents would allow, then later upping the ante by hanging out with punk rockers and bad boys, until eventually experimenting with drugs.

Sitting on an outcropping of rock in Kaivopuisto Park, Annika and Neea smoked marijuana together for the first time and felt, if not high exactly (since they didn't inhale the sharp smoke very deeply), then tingling with the exhilaration of doing something they were definitely not supposed to do.

Smoking weed didn't hold their interest for long so they progressed to hallucinogenic mushrooms and other things, eventually trying cocaine which, to them, seemed like a grown-up drug. Coke was fun but expensive, so soon they were committing petty theft in order to buy more coke. When Neea and Annika got caught, the police were kind enough to let them off with just a stern warning, but at home, the consequences were more severe. For Annika that meant stricter curfews and limits on what she could do and where she could go, punishments that only led to further rebellion. Neea's parents, on the other hand, didn't really put new limits on her. Mostly they were just hurt. Neea still despaired remembering how much she had disappointed her mother and father who were devastated that she could have gotten herself mixed up in drugs and stealing.

For Neea, life was never quite the same after that, either with her parents or with Annika. Her parents still loved her, of course, but she knew she'd betrayed their trust and believed at the time that she'd never get it back. While she felt she'd put a wedge between herself and her parents, she didn't continue to rebel, or at least not in the same way. Her thoughts turned from drugs, punk fashion and dangerous boys, to getting far away from Finland.

Thailand appealed to her with its beaches and mysterious temples, and Morocco too. Australia became her obsession for a time—she longed to wander in the Outback and meet aborigines—and then South America, where she hoped to explore the length of the continent all the way down to the wild landscapes of Patagonia then back north to Peru to learn traditional weaving. She'd had so many plans that came and went but, ultimately, it was to western Canada that she finally made her escape.

Annika, on the other hand, became a cocktail waitress and got hugely into clubbing and raves, along with the drugs that went with them. The two of them lost touch. Only recently Neea had discovered, via the Internet and a mutual friend, that Annika still lived in Helsinki and had settled down with a guy from Ethiopia and they had two young boys. Neea hoped to get in touch with her but hadn't yet found the time. Soon, she thought to herself.

She bookmarked a couple of the browser tabs, closed the laptop, then got up to check on Darwin.

• • • •

I wake up to the sounds of Neea fussing around in the kitchen and eventually she comes into the living room with a tray holding two teacups, a teapot and a plate of sliced and buttered fruitcake. She puts the tray on the coffee table between us and pulls an armchair over to sit opposite me. As we sip our Earl Grey I can tell our seemingly random conversation isn't really random and she's steering it in a certain direction. Now she finally gets to the point.

"The only thing people seem to agree on is that a rehab clinic can really help," she says.

"Forget the clinic!" I say, dropping my half-eaten piece of fruitcake back onto the plate. "I don't want to go to one."

"But Darwin, you can't expect to get over the effect of the drugs without some medical help," says Neea.

"You keep talking about the effects of the drugs like I'm some hardcore addict! I used it maybe ten times. Fifteen at the most. It's not like I'm gonna go into withdrawal. I just need time to rest and I'll be fine. I'll be out of your way soon, OK?"

"It isn't that we want you out of the way. We want you to be healthy, and we also want you to be safe. What will Kodi do if you go back onto the street?"

"I'll figure something out," I say. "I'll be fine."

"Well even so, what happens if you start taking meth again? I've been reading about this drug, Darwin, and it's very difficult to quit. A lot of people relapse. At a clinic they would..."

"Oh my god! Did I not just say that I won't go?" Now I'm raising my voice because she doesn't seem to be getting what I'm saying.

"You know, you said you wanted to help me," I go on, more calmly now. "So help me. You, not a rehab clinic, OK? I know that's asking a lot, but you said you wanted to. If you changed your mind, fine. I'd understand. Just say the word and I'll be on my way."

"No, I haven't changed my mind, but I want what's best for you. What if what's best is more than I can do? There are experts who deal with these problems every day..."

"What problems?" I say loudly. "Look at my face. Do you think meth did this to me? Meth isn't the problem, OK? I just need a place to stay that isn't with Kodi, isn't my Aunt's shitty apartment and definitely isn't my house back in Kamloops. End of story."

"I know you're convinced that meth isn't the problem Darwin, and I really hope you're right, but without an expert..."

I put my hand up to stop her and get up off the couch. "OK, it's fine. This was obviously a mistake," I say. "Thanks anyway."

I'm heading for the front door, expecting Neea to run after me in a panic, but she doesn't. From the living room I hear her say, very calmly, "All right, no clinic."

"What do you mean?" I ask her suspiciously.

"I mean I won't insist on you going to a rehab clinic. I won't even mention it again. How does that sound?"

"Hmm," I say, a little wary of her sudden change of heart.

"Yes," she goes on. "If that's what you really want, then that's what we'll do. Some people do seem to get past this without professional help, so it is possible. I think it's a mistake, but you can stay here until you're ready to move on. Maybe you'll get a job and find an apartment, I don't know. Whatever you want. I'm willing to help you on your terms."

"Really," I say, skeptically.

"Really," she says. "I only ask two things."

"OK... what things?"

Neea gets up from the chair and walks over to me, then slowly and precisely says, "No drugs can come into this house, ever. You understand? And no more Kodi either. I can't help you if you're going to stay with someone like that."

I look at her a moment, frowning, then nod slowly. She holds her hand out to shake. I eye her kind of warily and then finally reach out and shake her hand.

"Deal... I guess."

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— D.B.