Chapter 5

(Chapter song ‘Experience' by Ludovico Einaudi)

GRAHAM “It's been a while since we last talked. How are you?”

I stare out to the skyscrapers thinking how simple it is to just be tall and hold yourself together like that. No cares or worries. Just be. Always in the same spot. Day in and day out. Nothing ever changes. Nothing wants you to change.

“Graham?”

“Hm…” I turn my head to Rachael, Phoenix's resident psychotherapist. She’s an attractive woman for sure with her long auburn hair, blue eyes and milky skin, but I can’t see her in any other light but the person who apparently wants to fix my broken ass.

She crosses her legs and rests her notepad on her knee. “How are you doing?”

The corner of my lip ticks up as I adjust myself in the chair across. “As good as can be expected, I guess.”

She nods. “When we last talked, you were dealing with voices. What’s that like now?”

I clear my throat. “I-I don’t hear them anymore.”

“Good. That’s certainly a good sign.” She writes on her pad. “What about the images?”

I glance out the glass. “Gone too.”

“Graham, that’s wonderful. It’s progress.” She smiles.

“I guess.” I mutter as I rest my elbow on the arm and my mouth in my hand.

“How’s your relationships? Friends? Girlfriend?” She asks.

“Polly left me.” I grumble.

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. Did she say why?”

I stare at the white, fluffy clouds traveling across the sky over the red Arizona desert. “She said she didn’t know who she was dating.” I turn back, give a quick smile and fixed my jacket.

“What do you think she meant by that?” Rachael asks.

I shake my head. “I don’t know. I mean, I tried to give her what she wanted, but my head…” I trail off and look out the window again.

“She had trouble with your disabilities.” Racheal.

“Surprising.” I say with sarcasm.

“It’s OK. Not everyone can cope with people who need special attention. You shouldn’t punish yourself. What's going on with you is not your fault.” She says in a caring voice.

“No…I know…It just…hurts.” I mumble as I cross my leg.

“I understand that. That’s why you come here. To talk about it and work out the reasons for it.” Racheal writes some more.

“I don’t think there’s any reason for this.” I glance up at her. “My life…my former life…it’s gone. I can’t get that back.” I watch the clouds once again. “I’m broken beyond repair.”

“Nobody’s broken beyond repair, Graham. It’s only a matter of adjustment. To understand the new challenges you have and allow yourself to fit them into your world. It may not be your former life, but it’s still your life.” She says.

“Not sure if I want it now.” I mumble.

“Why do you say that?” She asks.

I turn back to the window.

“There’s no judgements here. You can be honest.” She says.

I watch the people on the road, walking around and being normal. It hurts my heart because I can’t.

“I’ve been having dreams. Nightmares…actually. Of my time…over there.” I start.

“The mirror world.” She supplies.

“I’m in the fight. I see Zander on his knees. I feel myself running and stop in front of Eternity. Instead of a knife, a lightning bolt hits my chest and I explode.” I take in a shaky breath as I scan the window of the towers outside. I don’t know what I’m looking for. Maybe something that help me make sense of it all.

“Your brain is trying the process the guilt of what happened. It’s turning a preventable object into a non preventable one. It’s normal to feel guilty, Graham.” Her voice is tranquil, but it does little to calm me inside.

“I don’t feel guilty for saving Zander. I feel guilty for coming back as…this.” I flick my dress shirt. “I’m weak…Useless.”

I lean my mouth on my hand as I look out to the sky.

“I should’ve stayed dead.” I grumble.

“You aren’t useless, Graham. You have strength in other areas.” Racheal consoles.

I shake my head. “I can’t…do anything. I’m so fucking scared. Everywhere I go, everything thing I do. It’s there. Plunging into my heart and ripping me apart. I can’t work. Can’t drive. I can barely leave my apartment because if I do, it kills me. Over and over.”

“The fact that you’re in my office this morning says that’s not true. You have to let the memories go. You need to embrace the new life you’ve been given. I understand how scary it is, but instead of hiding from it, face it. You were that once before. Emotionally, you’re still a soldier, even if you can’t physically function as one. You still have that bravery in you.” Racheal says.

I feel the rage inside build as the reflection of how much of coward I have become plays on my chest.

I whip my head to her. “Really, Racheal? You call this fucking suit brave?”

She sits back with a look of concern on her face. She clears her throat and adjusts her position.

“Hello, Graham.” She says low.

I get up and walk to the window. “Hi.” I stuff my hands in my pockets and watch the world outside.

“How are you?”

“How the fuck do you think I am?” I turn to her and lean on the window.

“Still angry I see.” She says as she writes things down.

“Yeah, well, if you were stuck in this pissant, you’d be angry too." I grumble.

“I get that. So, why are you here?” She asks.

I scrub a hand down my face. “Sick of his fucking whining for one. Oh, woes is me, I died. Fuck off.” I push off the window and walk around the room.

“You know you could help him.” She says.

“There’s no help for him. You see him. Pathetic, oozing self pity. Fucking blind!” I rip the glasses off my face and shove them in my pocket.

“Ok, but Graham. You can’t just take over whenever you’re annoyed by him. He can’t learn when you do that. You can’t keep hiding from him either. If you would just try integration…”

“No. Not a chance. I’m not integrating with this douche no way.” I spin around and walk to the window. “And you keep your mouth shut!” I growl.

“Ok, first. This is an office of respect. You calm down and keep the foul language to a minimum. Second, I will respect your privacy, against my better judgment, but you are entitled to patient privilege as long as Graham is not in danger from you.” She warns.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to throw the nerdy professor off a bridge or something. He just…can’t handle me. I feel it. His brain would pop or something.” I stare out the window.

“But you do realize your level of disassociation isn’t sustainable. You can’t live like this, Graham.” She says.

“I would if he would stop kicking my ass out!” I turn to her. “Why the hell would he want to live like he is? I’m the better one! I can get his life back!” I say as I thump my finger into my chest.

“You aren’t the Host personality. You are the alter created to help Graham cope with the PTSD surrounding his death.” She watches me walk around.

I point to her as I pace. “I am not the fake one. He is.” I spit.

“Ok. Graham. You’re not fake. You’re just a part of Graham that is built to protect him from the reality that he thinks he won’t be the same as he once was. You are the part of him that he wishes he had back, but for reasons within him, he’s not allowing that to happen.”

“What’s that mean? He can’t see or walk straight or lift 10 pounds because he thinks he can’t?” I ask with confusion.

“It’s the only explanation as to why you can see, walk straight and have strength. Grahams psyche is projecting his strengths onto you, but it’s not stable because you are just a single part of who Graham is. In essence, you’re not whole. You can’t be split in two. It’s dangerous to the mind. Especially if you insist on being reckless and erecting amnesia barriers.” Racheal leans back in her chair.

“I’m not reckless. I’m bored, Racheal. I found this wonderful place and he’s keeping me from it so, I need to get my kicks in when I can. But there’s only so much nutty professor I can take. I need him to see things my way.” I slump in the chair.

“To him, he’s missing pieces. If we told him in a healthy way…” She starts.

“No! He can’t know, alright?!” I bark. I turn to the window. “He can’t know. I’m not ready.”

“A some point you will have to be.” She says.

I take my glasses out of my pocket and put them on. I slowly turn back to her. “I’m sorry, I tuned out. What were saying?”

She smiles. “I…um…asked how teaching was going.” She laces her fingers in her knee.

I smile. “It’s great. Really. The kids are…They’re brilliant.”

She tilts her head. “That’s wonderful.” The timer on her coffee table goes off. “Well, that ends our session for today.”

I sit up. “Oh…” I adjust my glasses and look around the floor. “That was quick.”

“Time just flies by sometimes.” She says as she stands.

“Right.” I stand too.

She leads me across the floor to her front door. “I want you to make an appointment for next week. I think we may be getting to a point where we could really explore the root of your fear. Starting with that dream.”

“If you say so.” I lean to her. “You are the therapist.” I chuckle.

She giggles as she opens the door. “Take care of yourself. Call me whenever you need to talk. You may be a patient, but you’re also my friend. Don’t be afraid to come to me.”

“I won’t. Thank you.” I walk out and look at the time. It didn’t feel like an hour at all.

“Hunter.” Racheal greets.

Hunter stands up from his chair in the waiting room. “Graham. How’s it going?” He walks to me and takes my hand. Pins and needles stab my skin and I take it away.

“I’m…okay.” I say as I rub my palm to calm it. “You?” I glance at Racheal.

“I’m great. Just keeping the brain in check.” He smiles as he taps his head.

“Good. I'll…leave you to it.” I slap his arm and turn to the receptionist.

“Hunter. Nice to see you, again.” Racheal says as she motions him into the office. She turns to her receptionist. “Add Alpha Mitchell to the calendar for next week.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“Bye.” She waves.

I wave back. “Bye.”

Taking my appointment card, I leave not feeling fixed, but better for some reason. Talking helps relieve some of the pressures off my mind. I wish there was a quick fix for my issues, but I’m not dumb enough to not know that this will take a long time.

Sometimes I feel torn in two. One side is perpetual grief for what I once was and the other is the struggle to accept reality and move on. Somewhere in the middle, I sit wondering where to go from here. What could possibly be in store for me?

I just don’t know. It’s all so confusing and my phobias don’t help. I just wish someone had the answers. Anyone.

I need help.