Mine and Josh's conversation replayed over and over again in my head. I should have expected it to turn out the way it did. Josh and I were never going to get together; that was just the way it was.
My brain knew this, but I couldn't quite get my brain and my heart to communicate with each other. I had it bad for Josh, and it was nearly impossible to ignore and push down those feelings, especially because of what happened at the party.
Getting through the school day on Monday was rough. I had to pretend everything was fine with my friends, and I didn't have anyone I could lean on or talk to about the whole situation. Which of course only made me want to talk to Josh more, a classic closeted conundrum.
Liv, as the prophet she was, was absolutely correct: I did end up getting guilted into going to Jake's party. Not by her, though; by Jake. It really didn't take much.
In Spanish on Tuesday, Jake said, "You're coming to the rink on Friday, right?"
I looked at him, waiting for some insult about me being terrible at hockey or something to follow, but his eyes were kind of wide. Innocent. At that moment, I knew he was genuinely wondering and hoping that I was going to his birthday party.
"Yeah, man," I replied, giving him a half smile.
Jake grinned and slapped me on my back. "It's gonna be great. My parents rented out the whole rink, so we can drink and play some puck."
I laughed awkwardly and said, "Sounds...dangerous."
Inwardly, I cringed at the thought of skating with his hockey bros, secretly hoping I'd break my leg before Friday.
***
Arriving at the rink for Jake's birthday party felt like literally stepping onto thin ice, as though it'd crack open and I'd fall through at any moment.
I wasn't athletically inclined, and Jake and the majority of his friends were the polar opposite of me. I didn't get how to talk with them, how to act like them. I always felt like an outsider, despite Jake being a part of my friend group.
But since apparently he and I were best friends, I swallowed the apprehension gnawing at my gut and approached the rink. The icy air stung my cheeks as I walked over to a group huddled around Jake on benches on the sidelines.
Sophia, Lydia, and Ben were there, along with Isaac. There were five other girls in attendance, as well as members of the hockey team. I noticed a couple of guys from the soccer team, including Josh's friend, David, were there, too; I didn't even realize Jake was friends with any of them.
Half of the attendees were out skating on the rink, while the others sat and drank from cups I assumed had alcohol in them. My heartbeat quickened as I scanned the room to see if Josh had been invited, but I didn't see him.
"What's up, Connor?" Jake greeted me as I joined them.
"Hey," I said tentatively. "Happy Birthday." I handed him a card I'd gotten for him that contained a $50 Amazon card, since I'd had no idea what kind of gift to get him. I also handed him a gift-wrapped box and told him it was from Liv.
"We were just about to gear up to play some puck," Jake said.
"I can just watch," I replied.
"Come on, Connor," Lydia said. "Even Sophia and I are gonna play."
"Don't group me in with you," Sophia interjected. "I'm a figure skater. These guys got nothing on me."
"I don't know how to play," I told them.
Jake got up and slapped me on my back, grinning. "You can just be a wall rider. If the puck comes to you, just pass it to whoever on your team is open."
"Yeah," David added. "Hockey's pretty easy. Soccer is what takes actual skill."
He was clearly trying to goad Jake, who took the bait. "Oh, yeah? Want to make it interesting?"
"First person who scores on the other team has to pay up," David replied.
"How much you wanna bet?"
"Fifty bucks."
"You're on, ankle bender," Jake said, and they shook hands.
They divided us into two groups of ten, giving each team an equal amount of actual hockey players to ensure fairness. I ended up on Jake's team, along with Lydia, Ben, Isaac, 2 other hockey players, a girl from our school named Chloe, and a couple of guys from the soccer team.
As we began getting dressed in hockey pads and putting on our skates, Josh arrived, notably empty-handed.
"Yo, Josh!" David called out, waving him over. "You can be on our team."
Josh and I briefly locked eyes as he walked past where I sat on the benches and joined the other team. I swallowed, my heartrate rocketing.
"Okay, guys," Jake said to our team. "As your captain, I'll pick 6 of us to be our starters. Obviously, I'll be the center." He looked at his hockey friends. "Tate, you'll be the right winger, and Tyler will be left defense. Ben, you can be my left winger for now and Lydia can try out right defense. Connor, I'll put you in goal."
"That's a terrible idea," I protested. "You said I'd be a wall rider."
Jake rolled his eyes. "Fine, Connor can sit out for now like the pussy he is and Tommy can be goalie."
Jake was usually so easy breezy, so it was kind of weird seeing him get so fired up for a friendly game of hockey. Even as he insulted me, it oddly almost made him attractive. Almost.
I sat back down with our other benchwarmers as the rest of our team went out on the ice. The other team's six starters went out, too, which I noticed consisted of Josh.
Once the puck dropped at center ice, Jake immediately made a play to get possession. With the game underway, the contrast between the hockey players and the newbies became immediately apparent. Jake and the other hockey players moved quickly with precision, whereas others, like Ben, were very clearly "ankle benders." He awkwardly fumbled around on the ice, unable to keep up.
David, despite previously being overly cocky, was not a good hockey player. He had better balance than Ben, but he wasn't fast enough.
What Josh lacked in skill he made up for in pure athleticism; whenever Jake would get close to scoring, Josh, who I assumed was on defense, would just barrel right into him, knocking him down.
Now, I'm all for gender equality and the fact that women can do everything guys can, but body-checking a woman in this situation was probably not the best move, which was how I came up with an actual hockey strategy.
With the score tied 0-0, Jake called a timeout to switch out players.
"Put Lydia or Chloe in center," I told him.
"I was gonna put Chloe in defense," he said.
"No, listen, Josh will be too timid to...you know," I said, looking warily at the girls. "I mean, not that...he couldn't or shouldn't, you know..."
Lydia caught my drift and thankfully interrupted me. "Josh won't knock a woman down. Chloe can take center so she can score on them."
Jake nodded slowly. "Okay, yeah. I'll take left winger so I can pass to her. Ben, you can keep the bench warm because you play like a girl." He paused, then added, "I mean, you play...terribly?"
"Come on, man," Ben said.
Chloe and Lydia both exchanged a look, and Chloe said, "Men are dumb as hell."
The rest of our team didn't argue with that.
"Connor, you ready to go in?" Jake asked me. "You can be right defense. All you have to do is not let anyone score."
"I'm...okay not playing for now," I replied hesitantly.
Jake finished swapping players and made sure everyone knew what to do, and then the game, which was slowly becoming less friendly, resumed.
Sophia, who moved around on the ice gracefully, accidentally passed the puck straight to Jake, who made his move by passing to Chloe. Chloe was only a few feet away from the net, and once she got the puck, Josh skated towards her. He pulled his punches at the last second, though, and Chloe hit the puck right past their goalkeeper and into the corner of the net.
Our team cheered, including those of us on the bench, while Jake's hockey friends on the other team threw insults at our team. Jake and Chloe high-fived, and Chloe took off her glove to throw her middle finger up at Josh, who laughed.
"You owe me $50," Jake called out to David.
"Nah, man," David replied. "You had to score, and you didn't. Bet's still on."
"Whatever, goon. You're about to be $50 poorer." Jake then skated over to the boards. "Connor, get your helmet on. You're coming in as my other winger. I need you to pass to me if the puck comes by you."
I sighed, resigning myself to the inevitable. As I stepped onto the ice, my feet wobbled unsteadily beneath me. I was a terrible skater. But I pushed down my apprehension and pretended to be excited about playing hockey.
As we resumed, my heart pounding wildly in my chest, I stayed near the boards. David somehow managed to get possession of the puck and weaved around players to attempt to score on us, but our goalie jumped in front of the puck, stopping it.
The puck glided from stick to stick, and with a bad pass from the other team, I somehow wound up with it. I froze, looking down stupidly at the puck.
"Pass it, Connor!" Jake yelled to me.
As I was about to do anything to get the stupid thing away from me, members of the other team, rushing forward, were suddenly upon me with no sign of slowing down.
I shut my eyes, bracing myself for impact.