Over the weekend, I tried to get used to using my crutches to get around. It was surprisingly difficult; apparently, I had very little upper body strength. By Sunday, though, I'd gotten a little better, but I knew getting around at school was going to suck.
I had also called in sick to work indefinitely. My parents seemed to be fine that I didn't want to go to the coffee shop with my crutches. I also texted my coworker, Harper, to let her know I wouldn't be in for a while.
An influx of texts and Instagram messages continued to come to my phone, people asking me if I was okay and wanting to know what happened. Josh messaged me as well, apologizing and asking how I was doing.
It hurts, I sent back. But I'll be fine.
Then, after thinking more about our conversation at the hospital, I sent another message. Sorry about what I said on Friday. I'd like to be friends.
Evidently, though, he hadn't meant what he said that day, either, because he replied, You were probably right. Maybe we should just keep our distance.
I stared at his message on my phone, my heart dropping. I thought, after the events at the rink, the way he seemed to care about me, maybe he had some sort of feelings for me, romantic or otherwise. But apparently he just felt guilty. Or maybe he pitied me.
Regardless, I didn't reply to his message.
Liv dropped by on Sunday afternoon with a care basket that mostly consisted of candy. I told her how everything went down, including how I was on the ice a total of about 2 minutes before the accident.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I forced you to go to his party."
I shook my head. "No, you didn't. I went for Jake. He's actually...not that unbearable." I paused, then added, "Sometimes."
"I think he has a crush on me," she said in a hushed voice, as though Jake was listening in from another room.
I laughed. "Jake has a crush on every girl."
Liv narrowed her eyes. "So, you're saying I'm nothing special?"
I backtracked, panicked that she was mad at me. "No, no. I mean...I'm just saying thatâ"
She grinned at me. "I'm just messing with you."
I rolled my eyes and then tentatively asked, "Do you...like him back or something?"
Liv shook her head. "No, definitely not. I just hope he doesn't ask me out. That'd be so awkward."
At the same time, I hoped Liv would never ask me out. That'd be a nightmare.
***
Later that night, as I laid in bed, I opened Grindr again. I hadn't been on it since I blew my cover with Josh.
I saw that he had either blocked me or deleted his profile, since he no longer showed up on the app.
Another profile, whose age showed as 18, popped up. For probably the first time since I'd downloaded Grindr, this person had an actual photo of their face and a name: Miles. He was cute, with curly brown hair, flawless skin, long eyelashes, and dimples. I was wary, though, because he definitely could've been a catfish.
His profile said he was a few miles away. It was one of the only normal messages I had received: Hey.
Hey, I messaged back.
What's up? Miles asked.
Nothing really, just watching TV, I responded. You?
Same, actually. What are you watching?
Ginny & Georgia. Hbu?
Trashy reality shows lol, he replied. Are you in high school?
I hesitated before answering. Would saying yes give too much information about me? I didn't really think so, since Clareview was a decently large school and there were a couple other high schools in the area. And if Miles was real, I already knew what he looked like. But I didn't think he went to Clareview because I felt like I would've taken notice of someone who looked like that.
So I said, Yeah.
Me too, Miles said. Shit sucks, right?
Oh definitely. Living my worst life.
It was nice talking to a guy other than Josh, who so far seemed normal. I think my thought process at the time was that maybe the best way to get over Josh was to immediately cling onto the very next cute guy who showed me any kind of attention.
Do you wanna send face pics over Snap? was his next message.
Ummm... was all I sent back.
Sorry, too forward?
A bit? I responded. I really wanted to know if he was real, but I couldn't get myself to take that leap.
This town is so weird, Miles said. I just moved here at the start of this school year and at my last school it was normal to be, like, out of the closet. I had a lot of friends too but suddenly now I'm the biggest weirdo at Aspen Heights.
I'm jealous you didn't have to grow up around here, I replied. Honestly, it's not that I don't want to, it's just that, you know, it's different around here.
Yeah no I understand, he responded. People around here can be mean. I just think that it would be so exhausting to always hide a huge part of yourself from the world.
Before I could overthink, fueled solely by the hopelessness I'd felt since I discovered I was gay, I sent the message: Connorhill06 is my Snap.
I got a Snapchat notification about 2 minutes later: MandM_vibez added you. A moment later, Miles sent me a photo, confirming that he wasn't a catfish and was, in fact, the attractive high schooler he claimed to be. The caption on his selfie said, Ignore the cringey username I made when I was like 12.
I added him back, but then hesitated before sending a photo. The only other person in the entire world who knew that I was gay was Josh, which had already been stressful enough. My palms were sweating. Maybe I should ghost him, I thought to myself. But Miles already knew my name. And I knew his name, his face, where he went to school, and that he was so cute.
"Fuck it," I muttered to myself, then took and deleted about 10 different selfies from different angles, until I finally decided one was good enough to send. I had only my bedside lamp on, so my face was partially illuminated in the photo and I threw up a peace sign. Without captioning it, I sent the Snap to Miles.
He replied almost immediately with a selfie showing off his perfect teeth, captioned with, Okay ngl you're way cuter than I was expecting you to be.
I stared at his picture, my heart thudding. At least he didn't think I was ugly? I sent another Snap showing only half of my face, captioned, Thank you? Lol.
Miles sent me a message instead of a photo: Where do you go to school? Clareview?
Yes, I replied, my fingers practically trembling as I typed.
I know I might be being too forward again, but would you wanna hangout sometime? We could hang at my place. My parents are really chill about the whole me being gay thing, so it'd be a safe space. No pressure tho.
Naturally, my mind wandered back to Josh. I couldn't just shut out my feelings, but it wasn't like we were or would ever be dating. I couldn't even say that Josh and I were friends. It'd be really nice to be able to talk to another gay human, especially one that wasn't afraid of hiding who he was.
Eventually, I responded, Maybe. I'll think about it. Then I proceeded to do just that, almost nonstop.
***
Before school the following morning, Liv picked me up for school; the doctor had recommended not driving until I got the cast taken off. She also very generously offered to walk me to my classes so that I didn't have to worry about carrying my books or getting knocked over in the hallway.
Throughout the day, a surprising number of people wanted to sign my cast. In first period, Lydia, Chloe, and four other girls signed it. My cheeks got red when I saw that one of them, a girl named Amber, drew a heart next to her name. I'd barely said more than 2 words to her my entire life, but she smiled at me like we knew each other.
In English, several others wanted to sign my cast, crowding around mine and Liv's desk. Afterwards, I leaned over to Liv and quietly asked, "What is going on right now?"
She gave me a weird look. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, why is everyone suddenly acting like we're friends?"
Liv shrugged. "People get excited about things like that. Also, I think there's a rumor going around that you're some kind of hockey god." She giggled as she said the last part.
"Yeah, anyone who was at that party knows that's not true."
I noticed the girl who sat next to me kept looking over at me, which I tried to ignore.
Mrs. Katz once again started talking about college applications, a reminder that I hadn't even started my applications despite the due dates quickly approaching. I hated thinking about things like that, how soon I'd have to make those big decisions, including what career path I wanted to go down. I pushed down my dread, hoping the answer would just magically appear somehow.
After English, as Liv walked me to Spanish, Jake approached us in the hallway, along with his hockey friend, Tyler. Jake grinned at me and patted my back. "The chosen one hath returneth!" Jake announced loudly to everyone in the hallway.
"Gretzky's got nothin' on him," Tyler said in agreement.
My face burned in embarrassment as people in the hallway looked and smiled at me. I was positive, then, that they were all messing with me, talking and joking about me behind my back.
"I can take him to español," Jake said to Liv. She handed my stuff off to him even though my eyes pleaded with her not to.
"See ya!" Liv said to me with a smile and went to her next class.
After Jake and I had taken our seats, I glared at him. "Why are you saying all that shit to everyone?"
Jake gave me a wide-eyed innocent look. "What? Are you mad?"
"Everyone's fucking laughing at me, dude."
"No, they're not, Connor," Jake said with a laugh. "Haven't you heard? You whooped everyone's ass in hockey and then took on three guys when a fight broke out."
"Who's saying that?" I asked. "You and everyone who was at your party knows that's not even close to being true."
"Connor, who gives a fuck? I started the rumor and got everyone else from the party in on it."
"Why?" I asked, genuinely confused.
Jake shrugged. "I kinda...felt bad. I don't know. Everyone will forget about it in a couple of days. And listen, girls love a guy who gets injured doing something badass. Trust me." When he winked at me, I didn't know if I wanted to punch him or kiss him.
As Mrs. Hayes started class, I accidentally made eye contact with a girl, who quickly turned away with a smile on her face.
Yeah, nothing good could come from this.