January
The texts from people at the party inevitably began rolling in. I put my phone on "do not disturb" and didn't respond to any of them. It was too much to deal with.
However, I continued to talk to Josh and Liv, the only people who I felt were truly on my side. On Tuesday, my birthday, Liv, Josh, and I decided to have a little celebration. I doubted Josh was actually in any mood to celebrate, but he agreed to hangout. We ended up deciding to meet at Liv's house. Her mom was at work, so we had the house to ourselves until early evening.
I ate lunch with my parents, who gifted me an Apple Watch and an Amazon gift card. I pretended to be excited. (First world problems, right?) My parents wanted me to stay for a while longer, but I told them Liv and my other friends were throwing me a party and it'd be rude to keep them waiting (sort of true).
So, at around 1:00 PM, I got in my car. I played music on the drive there to distract myself from my intrusive thoughts.
When I arrived, Liv met me at the door with a hug. "Happy Birthday, Con!"
Her dog, Charlie, walked into my leg as I entered her house.
"Is it?" I asked, bending over to pet Charlie. I had meant to say it jokingly, but the way my laugh sounded forced made it seem very much not like a joke.
Liv frowned as she ushered me inside. "I'm sorry. This sucks. I was hoping to distract you from..."
"My life going up in flames?" I offered.
Liv rolled her eyes. "Your life isn't over. I've been thinking about the party nonstop the past day, and I really do think you're blowing it out of proportion."
"Well, we'll probably find out at school tomorrow."
She led me into the living room, which was decorated with streamers, balloons, and a handmade sign that said Happy Birthday in glitter paint. As I took in the decorations, a smile spreading across my face, she shoved a gift-wrapped box into my arms.
"Oh, Jesus." I shook the box. It wasn't very heavy.
"Don't shake it!" she scolded me.
"Sorry."
I unwrapped the box and opened it. Inside was an assortment of small gifts. The first, which was clearly breakable, was a mug with Jennifer Coolidge's character from The White Lotus with the quote, "These gays...they're trying to murder me!" I laughed out loud at that.
The second was a black t-shirt that said "gay panic" in pink letters. The third was a bumper sticker with the words, "I support the homosexual agenda." The last gift in the box was a wooden hanging sign that read, "Don't hide your colors" with a rainbow heart.
"I thought they were...you know, aspirational or whatever," Liv said as I stared at the box's contents. "I know you're not super 'out there' yet, but one day you will be, so I thought you should be prepared." She laughed.
I set the box down and pulled her into a hug. "Thank you," I said into her ear. "Don't be offended if they sit in the back of my closet for a while, though."
"I'm going to ignore the irony of that," she responded.
Shortly after, I got a text from Josh saying he was almost there. I met him at the front door. When I opened the door, his appearance made me pause. He had dark circles under his eyes and his hair was unkempt. He looked like shit (at least by his usual standards).
"Happy birthday," he said, giving me a small smile.
"Are you...okay?" I asked as he entered the house.
"Never better." His words were a little slurred, and as he walked, I noticed he was a bit off-balance.
I grabbed his arm, pulling him towards me. He wouldn't meet my eyes. "Are you drunk right now?" I asked him.
Josh continued to stare at the floor. "A little."
"Oh my god, did you drive here?"
He vehemently shook his head. "No. No, I walked."
"It's fucking freezing outside!"
"'S'not so bad." Josh stumbled a little. I kept my grip on his arm to keep him upright.
I let out an exasperated sigh and led him into the living room, where Liv was playing music through the speakers. She turned towards us as we walked over to the couch.
"Hey, Josh," Liv greeted him.
"'Sup?" Josh responded and then plopped down on the couch.
Liv gave me a look of confusion and I said, "He's drunk."
"Only a little," Josh argued, but he wasn't fooling either of us. He rested his head on the back of the couch and closed his eyes for a moment. Then, he opened them again and looked at me. "I got you a present. But...I forgot it at home."
"It's fine," I said, more tensely than I meant to.
"I made you a cake," Liv said suddenly, as though she were trying to diffuse the tension. "Do you guys want some now?"
"Sure," I responded quickly and followed her into the kitchen.
Quietly, Liv asked, "He didn't drive here, did he?"
"No, he walked." I sighed. "He's, like, clearly not okay, but I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do."
"If I knew, I'd do it for you," she said. Then, she opened the fridge and pulled out a sheet cake with homemade frosting. "Sorry, it's really ugly."
"It's perfect," I told her with a smile.
We cut a few pieces and brought them back into the living room, along with a glass of water for Josh. The three of us ate and chatted about random stuff and tried to ignore the elephant in the room. Josh wasn't real chatty, but he chipped in if someone asked him a direct question.
I looked over at Josh, who was sitting next to me on the couch. But I saw that Josh had pulled a freaking flask out of his jacket pocket and was drinking from it, like he was a cowboy in a Western or some shit.
I snatched the flask out of his hand. "Jesus, seriously?" I asked him. I felt like a nosey mom as I sniffed it. It smelled like straight vodka. I turned to stare at him, my heart thudding in my chest. I was worried about him, about what he was doing to himself, and all I wanted was to help him.
But, instead, my concern came out as frustration. "Why are you back on this bullshit? And why won't you fucking talk to me about it?"
At that point, Liv had noticed what was going on.
Josh, kind of lazily, as though he were shooing off a fly, said, "Fuck off, Connor."
Before I could say anything in response, Liv took control of the situation. "Josh, it's really fucking rude of you to show up drunk as shit to Connor's birthday. I know you're going through some shit right now, but so is he! Connor is trying to help you and all you're doing is being an asshole. So either sober up and get it together, or leave."
Josh blinked, probably taken aback by Liv's shift in personality. Typically, she was affable and easy-going, but I knew that she had another side to her, where she would stand up for herself and others when needed.
I was sort of torn between my best friend and my boyfriendâI didn't know what to say or do, so I just kind of sat back and watched the situation unfold.
Finally, Josh stood up. He looked at Liv, and then he turned to me. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I justâI don't know what to do." His voice cracked at the last part. He fell back down on the couch next to me.
"I know," I said quietly.
"I'm scared," Josh said in a taut voice. "I'm anxious about like, school tomorrow and everything. I just wanted to not think or feel for a while. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't know."
I nodded. I didn't really have anything to say because I'd been thinking the same thing, but I was handling it better than Josh. Or maybe I was just handling it differently.
Liv came over to the couch. "Worrying about what hasn't happened yet isn't helpful," she said. "All you're going to do is drive yourself crazy. If everything does go as badly as you're both expecting, then we'll deal with it as it comes. And yes, I said we because like it or not, we're in this together. Okay?" She looked at me and then at Josh.
Josh slowly nodded, while I said, "Yes, Mom."
Liv scoffed and playfully hit my knee.
"So," I said after a few moments of silence. "I guess we just have to...wait and see."
***
When I walked into school the next day, I anxiously awaited and prepared for the worst. As I took my seat in my first hour class, I felt like everyone was staring at me, but I couldn't tell if I was just imagining it.
When class began and no one had said anything to me, no one asked me about the party, I started to relax a little. Maybe Liv was right. Maybe everyone was just too concerned with their own lives to really care all that much about mine.
After the bell rang, I headed to my next class, English. I took my usual seat next to Liv.
She smiled at me. "How are you?"
"Um, fine, I guess?" I leaned in close to her and quietly added, "I feel like...no one knows?"
"See, I told you it'd be fine," she said with a reassuring smile and a gentle pat on my arm.
But I should've known better. I should've known this place and these people better. Because, before the bell rang indicating the start of class, Jake's friend, Tate, turned around and looked at me. He sat just a couple of seats in front of Liv.
"Hey, Connor," he said, grinning cockily at me. "I heard you cheated on your girlfriend with a dude."
Laughs and whispers erupted around the room. Heat rose to my face as I glared at him. I felt everyone's eyes on me, judging me.
"Shut up, Tate!" Liv scolded him, shooting daggers in his direction.
Liv turned back to me, but I was already out of my chair and grabbing my backpack.
"Connor!" I heard Liv call out, but I didn't stop. I hurried out of there.
But now what? I couldn't just leave because then the school would notify my parents that I'd skipped class. Or did it even matter?
I ran into the bathroom as I took time to debate between running out to my car or going back to class and ignoring the assholes. It was empty, so I just stood over by the sinks, staring at my reflection.
There would be a certain kind of power, I thought, in going back to class with my head held high, acting like I had nothing to hide. Because the truth was, I didn't have anything to hide or be ashamed of.
But then, why did I feel so scared? So embarrassed, so completely helpless?
I locked myself in a stall and pulled out my phone. I hadn't seen Josh yet, so I wanted to see how he was doing.
Are you doing okay? I texted him.
My phone buzzed a moment later. Not particularly.
Same, I sent back. I might be hiding in the bathroom.
A minute later, I heard footsteps coming into the bathroom. "Connor?"
I exited the stall. Josh was standing there, a tired look on his face.
"So," he said. "People know."
"Seems like it."
We looked at each other for a couple of seconds before taking a few steps forward, coming together in a hug.
"I just want to leave," he said.
"Me, too."
"Should we?"
"Wouldn't that just give them more power over us?" I asked. "Like, maybe we should just stand up for ourselves, you know? Or ignore them?"
Josh sighed. "These people aren't going to change. You know that, right?"
I shrugged, looking down at the floor. "So, what? We stay in this bathroom forever? Or we leave and transfer schools or drop out? There's not exactly an ideal choice."
"Someone asked me about Charlotte," Josh said suddenly. "They...they asked me if she knew I was a..." His voice trailed off.
"Josh, I'm sorry."
He shook his head. "Stop apologizing, Connor."
"I just don't know what else to say."
"You don't have to say anything." Then, Josh took off his backpack. "Right, I almost forgot." He unzipped it and reached his hand in, pulling out a small box. He handed it to me. "Your present." He gave me a sheepish smile.
I took the box from him and opened it. Inside was a small keychain of a soccer jersey with the number 15 on itâJosh's jersey number.
"I-I thought it'd be like, you know, you were wearing my jersey or whatever." Josh rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Is that stupid?"
I laughed. "No! No, it's great. Thank you."
I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me. Josh leaned forward and pecked me on the lips. "Cool," he said with a small smile.
We stayed in that bathroom until the end of second period. I finally decided that I wasn't going to just run away from my problems. I was going to be brave, and in this case, brave really just meant leaving that bathroom and going to class.
Josh and I exited the bathroom as students filled the hallways. I ignored them, the way they looked at us with a mix of derision, amusement, and even contempt.
"Josh!" I heard someone call out. Both Josh and I turned around to see his friend, David, standing a few feet away at the lockers with a couple of other soccer players.
"Did you and your gay boyfriend just finish sucking each other off in the bathroom?"
Except, you know, he didn't say "gay."
Everyone in the hallway who overheard David's hateful comment made noises, like oooh! and others giggled. Some had a disgusted look on their faces, and I knew it was directed towards Josh and me.
"What the fuck did you just say?!" Josh growled. I'd seen Josh angry before, sure, but never like that. He looked homicidal.
David and his friends laughed, like it was all some big joke to them. But as Josh marched up to them, I saw David get nervous. He masked it with a laugh, rolling his eyes at Josh.
I thought maybe Josh would just start yelling at them or something, until I saw him bring his arm back. His hand curled tightly into a fist and he swung it right into David's face.
Gawking students let out gasps, as did I. David groaned and put his hands to his face. When he pulled them away, they were covered in blood that dripped from his nose. "What the fuck?" he cried.
One of the other soccer players shouted something and then punched Josh in the face.
"Stop!" I tried to yell, my words getting caught in my throat. Just as I thought the boys were going to rip each other apart, a teacher exited a classroom and broke up the fight.
I felt helpless as I watched Josh, David, and the other student be sent to the principal's office.
***
I waited outside the office, not bothering to go back to class. Yeah, Josh probably should've just ignored David and walked away, but that was always easier said than done.
After a while, the door opened. I watched as David exited, tissue sticking out of his nose, followed by the other guy, and then finally Josh, who sported a black eye. He looked furious.
Josh breezed right past me.
"Wait!" I said, following behind him. He was walking towards the school's front entrance.
"Josh, what happened? Are you leaving?"
Josh finally turned around and looked at me. I cringed at the thought of how painful his eye probably was.
"I got suspended," he said, still with that angry look on his face. I didn't know whether it was directed at me or the situation.
I swallowed. "For how long?"
"A week."
"A week? What about the other guys?"
"Adam, the one that hit me, he's suspended for the next two days. David didn't get in trouble."
"That's not fair," I said, stating the obvious.
"The principal decided I was the one who started it, so yeah." Josh looked down at his feet.
"Can I...do something?"
"No, Connor," Josh replied, sounding exasperated. "You can't do anything."
Then he pushed the door open and left. I just stood there, wringing my hands as anxiety coursed through me, wishing there was somethingâanythingâI could do. But as Josh correctly pointed out, I couldn't.
Olivia Rodrigo had never been more right. It really was brutal out here.