The next day at school, as I explained my idea of creating a GSA club to Liv, she looked excited, yet her lips curved into a thoughtful frown as she thought about it.
"Do you think Principal Anderson would even go for the idea?" Liv asked, her brow furrowing slightly as she leaned forward. "I feel like, for legal reasons, he wouldn't say no, but he'd also make it impossible."
I sighed, a knot of anxiety forming in my stomach, and unconsciously started wringing my hands. "To be honest, I don't even want to approach him about the idea," I admitted. "Like, it gives me serious anxiety just thinking about it. I also feel like I'd go through the stress and everything and no one would even show up. I know there are other LGBTQ students here, but having them basically announce it to others at school is probably a terrible idea."
Liv paused as she thought. Then, her eyes lit up with a sudden realization. "Well, why does it have to be at school?" she suggested with a smile. "You could have it in a more private, anonymous space and just post about it on social media or something."
My mind raced with the possibilities, but I still felt doubtful. "I...I don't feel like I'm the person for this," I confessed. "I mean, I barely accept myself, especially in front of others. Shouldn't Miles be the one spearheading this whole thing?"
Liv reached out and lightly fake slapped both sides of my face. I grabbed my face in mock pain and shot her a pitiful, puppy dog look.
"Connor!" Liv exclaimed. "There is literally no one else in our community who can do this. Do you know why?"
"'Cause they don't want to?"
Liv rolled her eyes. "Because you understand the pain of not only being terrified to come out, but also for experiencing rejection from your family because of it," she explained. "Sure, Miles has a tough time at his school, but he didn't grow up around here. You did. You are the one to lead a Clareview gay revolution and I'm so freaking here for it."
A small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. "You're obsessed with me."
"Okay, true," she conceded with a grin. "But you're more obsessed with me."
"Oh, by the way, I saw this meme on Twitter I wanted to send you," I said, scrolling for it on my phone.
After I sent it, Liv's phone lit up. But I saw that the name for my contact said Melissa Johnson.
"Who the fuck is Melissa Johnson?" I asked her, giving her a confused look.
Liv looked at me guiltily. "Okay, so...you know how my mom goes through my phone because she's psychotic? Well...she might have, um, mentioned how she didn't want me hanging out with you anymore." Liv paused and bit her lip. "And I might've told her I'm not friends with you anymore. So I changed your name in my contacts."
"Rude!" I gasped. "I can't believe your mom hates me now."
"We actually got into a huge argument about you a while back," Liv admitted. "I'm sorry! I know she sucks."
I smiled at her. "It's okay. Kind of genius to do that, though."
"I have a whole fake backstory for Melissa Johnson. She's really into true crime podcasts, she has two cats, and her favorite show is Grey's Anatomy."
I snorted. "She sounds like a loser."
Liv laughed and said, "I have to lie every time we hangout. It's like I'm having a secret affair with my gay best friend."
"You mean your cat-loving best friend, Melissa Johnson?"
As Liv and I joked around more, the bell signaling the end of lunch rang, jolting us out of our conversation. We gathered our books and stood up, preparing to head to our next class.
Before we could leave, though, Jake walked up to our table, a determined look on his face. "Can I talk to you guys?" he asked, looking first at Liv until his eyes settled on me. "Please?"
I had noticed Jake no longer ate lunch in the cafeteria. To be honest, I had blocked his number after the day I blew up at him. So, if he had tried reaching out, I wouldn't know.
When the new semester started, Mrs. Hayes had also redone the seating arrangement in Spanish, and I no longer sat next to Jake. So, it had become infinitely easier to avoid all of my former friends.
"Go away, Jake," Liv said, annoyed. She walked past him towards the cafeteria's exit.
As I went to follow her, Jake put his arm out, pressing his hand into my chest to stop me.
For a second, from the way he pushed his hand into me aggressively, I thought he was going to beat me up or something. But then he dropped his arm to his side, and I saw a look in his eyes that looked almost pleading, desperate.
"Connor, will you just talk to me for a sec? Please?"
I briefly thought about actually listening to him, giving him a chance. But then I remembered what he'd said that first day back after the NYE disaster, the mocking look on his face, and the fact that he never, not even once, tried to stand up for me.
"Go to hell," I said, pushing past him to catch up with Liv.
***
Since I obviously couldn't host a GSA meeting at the house I currently wasn't living at, I had to bring up the idea with Miles to see if we could do it at his parents' house. So, that evening after school, I sat down with Miles in the living room. His parents weren't home from work yet, but I'd have to get their permission, too.
"So..." I started tentatively. "Um..."
"Oh my god," Miles interrupted impatiently, but still with a good-humored smile on his face. "You're giving me anxiety. Spill it."
I let out a brief laugh. "How do you feel about opening your lovely home up to potentially complete strangers?"
Miles let out a loud laugh. "What, like a home for wayward gays?"
"For a GSA club."
Miles flashed me a toothy grin and nodded slowly. "Yes. Okay, yes! Love that idea!"
"Really?" I asked.
Miles put his hands over mine, which I hadn't noticed I'd been nervously wringing until that moment. He grabbed them firmly, as though he could tell I needed someone to tell me to chill out, that everything was fine.
"Yes, really," he said, still keeping his hands on top of mine. "I think it's a really great idea. Other young people in the area need to find a safe space where they can connect with people who are going through the same thing."
I don't know exactly what I was thinking at that moment, I just knew I felt really safe and supported like I had never truly felt before.
So, I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his.
Miles immediately pulled back from me. My mouth dropped open in shock as I came to my senses.
"Shit!" I gasped. "Oh, no. Shit. Miles, I'm so sorry!" I covered my mouth with my hand.
"It's okay," he said quickly. "It's fine. You're okay."
"What did I just do?" Tears quickly welled up in my eyes.
"It's partially my fault. I put my hands on yours and I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."
"I have to tell Josh," I said, my voice thick, my breath quickening. "Shit, what if he breaks up with me? I haven't even talked to him since he left. What if we're already broken up and I just didn't get the memo?"
Miles looked like he was about to grab my hands again but stopped himself. "Take a breath, Connor. You're about to start hyperventilating. Just take a deep breath, okay?"
I inhaled deeply and exhaled a long, shaky breath. "I should send him an email, right? To tell him and apologize?"
"If you feel you need to do that for yourself and for Josh," Miles said, "then I definitely think you should. But before doing anything, you just need to focus on centering yourself. You can send Josh a message tomorrow or something, okay?"
I nodded while taking a few more deep breaths. "I'm really sorry."
"Connor, please don't apologize to me. Listen, I'd love to be kissing you." Miles smiled gently at me. "But you need to figure out your situation with Josh and yourself. We're not going back down that road, okay?"
I quickly wiped my eyes, trying to force myself to keep it together. "Yeah, I know. It was just...an impulsive, spur of the moment thing."
"I know." Miles cuffed my shoulder gently. "Please don't make this weird now. Like, let's just move on and forget about it and instead talk about this genius GSA idea!"
"I'll do my best," I responded, trying to seem calm, but internally I was still freaking out. "Um...I'm going to need help with some Instagram marketing I think. I actually already know the first person I want to personally invite and hopefully they'll come."
"Liv?" Miles asked.
"Okay, the second person," I replied with a short laugh. "This person had an anonymous account on Insta and messaged me, telling me how brave they thought I was. So, I'm thinking it has to be someone from Clareview."
"Aw, that's so sweet! You definitely have to message them and invite them."
"I really don't want to put you on blast and post your address for the entire Internet to see, but I'm also not sure how else to get the information out."
"Could you say, 'Message me for details'?" Miles suggested.
"I don't think anyone would actually message though. I don't know."
"Do some crazy guerilla marketing and create a Grindr profile where you message the gays on there."
"I'm not sure if you're joking," I said, "but that's actually kind of a great idea."
"I'm full of great ideas."
(Later, Liv reminded us that all the profiles were mostly anonymous and we could accidentally attract, in her words, pedos, so we didn't end up doing that.)
Miles and I continued chatting about different possibilities for getting members, as well as what the club should do and be about. I was really excited to be moving forward with my life, to find something, finally, that I was passionate about.
The whole time, though, my mind kept wandering back to Josh. I wanted to talk to him, to share this with him, to be close with him, but I also needed to tell him about how I kissed Miles. I considered the possibility that maybe I was outgrowing Josh.
Was this the start of a new chapter or the end of an era?