I created a group chat with the GSA members, which Miles immediately named "The Rainbow Wave." We used it for sharing ideas for the club and sending memes exclusively. Miles suggested that at the next meeting we watch a documentary on Stonewall, which we all shot down. As important as learning about LGBTQ+ history was, we were trying to get new members, not scare them away.
Miles joked about how our club was like a secret society, which was actually an apt description of the club. Sure, I advertised it on social media, but it was impossible to recruit new members. No one wanted to feel like they were constantly looking over their shoulders, worrying that someone would find out they were coming to the meetings.
I wasn't going to give up, though. Every time my phone buzzed with a new message in the group chat, I couldn't help but smile. Even if we only helped one person, I was okay with that.
On the last Saturday in February, I worked my usual morning shift at Elysium Espresso.
It was lightly snowing outside, and the shop felt peaceful. Harper and I were working a shift together, which I was grateful for. She was a surprisingly comforting presence. She never asked me about the whole thing with Josh, never made any comments; we just existed comfortably together, making coffee.
I was behind the counter, pouring steamed milk into a latte just as the morning rush was dying down. I noticed, out of my peripheral vision, Harper kind of watching me. After I handed the latte to the customer and they left, Harper approached me. She had an uneasy look on her face.
"Hey, Connor..." she started slowly. "Can I, um, ask you something?"
"Yeah, what's up?" I turned to her, wiping my hands on my apron and trying to act casual. She was making me nervous.
Harper shifted on her feet, looking a little unsure. "I was wondering if you could send me the address for your club. I, um...I-I want to come to the next meeting. And I was hoping to bring my cousin, Skylar. He could really use a supportive group right now. If that's okay, obviously," she added quickly.
I raised an eyebrow, surprised. "Really? I mean, yeah. Uh, that'd be awesome. I can text it to you. We're getting together again Monday evening."
"Okay, cool," she said, visibly relieved. "He's been just having a tough time. So, I thought it'd be...I don't know, helpful maybe? And I just always liked you, so I figured..."
"Yeah, you're both always welcome," I said with a smile. "We'd love to have you."
Harper smiled gratefully at me and gave my arm a light squeeze. "You're the best."
I understood, then, why my friends had once thought Harper was into me.
A few minutes later, I saw people enter the coffee shop, and just like that my entire previously good morning was ruined.
Lydia, accompanied by Ben, walked through the door. Fuck. Me.
Lydia looked panicked when she saw me, but it wasn't like she didn't know I worked there. Ben, however, had a stupid grin on his face when he saw me. I hadn't talked to either of them in over a month.
"What's up, Connor?" Ben greeted me. From the look on his face, a twinkle in his eyes, I knew he wasn't being sincere. I tried to steady my breathing, to brace myself for whatever stupidity he was going to throw at me.
He walked up to the counter and leaned against it. Lydia stayed a few feet behind him, not making eye contact with me.
"What do you want?" I asked him, trying to keep my voice steady.
"Two medium lattes, one with oat milk," he said. He stared at me, still with that grin on his face I wanted to wipe off with my fist.
I punched in the order. "That'll be $8.50," I said, trying to sound as indifferent as possible.
Ben handed me a $10 bill, but as I went to grab it, he pulled it back, just a couple of inches out of my reach. "You know, I've been thinking," he said in a low voice, "maybe you should stick to serving coffee. I mean, no one wants a fucking fairy working for them."
He finally set the $10 bill on the counter. My stomach twisted into knots, and my hands shook slightly as I handed him his change. I wanted to say something, anything, but I felt like I was choking on my own words.
I glanced at Lydia, but she just looked away.
As Ben took his change, he added, "I'm actually praying for you and Josh. Hopefully he doesn't go and off himself like his last girlfriend."
I wanted to get angry, to scream at him. It was his and Lydia's fault everything with Josh and I had happened. I mean, sure, I had wanted to come out, but I wanted to do it my way, on my own terms. It felt like everything just kept happening to me, like I had no agency in my own life.
I also didn't understand how someone I used to consider one of my best friends could be so casually cruel like that.
Harper hadn't heard what he said, but as I turned away to go make their coffees, she saw the look on my face and the way my hands were shaking as I went to grab the oat milk. I blinked back the tears that had begun to form in my eyes.
"Are you okay?" she asked me quietly.
I couldn't open my mouth to respond, couldn't say anything. I just nodded, which didn't convince her.
"Do you want me to cover for you?"
I shook my head. The only thing worse than my friends turning on me and becoming giant assholes would be running away from them.
Finally, I finished making their lattes and handed them to Ben. As he took them, he smirked at me and said, "Keep up the good work."
My face burned with anger and humiliation as they turned to leave. What was wrong with me that I couldn't stand up for myself? For Josh? Why did I just stand there and take it?
Harper came up to the counter, her eyes full of concern. "Connor, what's going on? Are you okay?"
I caught sight of Ben looking back at me over his shoulder as they exited the shop, but this time, I met his gaze head-on. He smirked, but I didn't look away. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me flinch.
Maybe I couldn't change anyone's mind or make them stop being assholes, but I could choose how I reacted.
"It was just some idiots from school," I finally managed to tell Harper.
She frowned. "What did he say to you? You looked really upset."
"I'm fine," I said, shaking my head, trying to forget about that look on Ben's face as he was taking pleasure in making me feel small. "Just your usual homophobia." I forced myself to smile at Harper.
"Ah, the Clareview Special," she said, nodding. "A latte with a side of homophobia and bigotry."
"Yep, pretty much."
Finally, I let out a long, slow breath, feeling like I could actually breathe and speak and be normal again.
"If anyone ever comes in and bothers you again," Harper said, "just let me know. I'll square up." She put her fists out in front of her.
I laughed. "Please, do not get into a fight on my behalf. 'Cause I absolutely cannot back you up."
She moved her fists around in a circular motion in front of her face like an old-fashioned cartoon character. "Why I oughtta!"
"Yeah, you'll definitely scare them off by doing that."
As we laughed and joked around, thoughts of what Ben had said slowly left my mind, and were replaced by excitement for the next GSA meeting.
***
Two days later, Miles, Liv, and I were again sitting in Miles's living room. Except this time, I was less anxious, because I knew we had four people who were coming.
When I had told Liv about what Ben said to me at the coffee shop, she was livid. Like, her face got all red and she clenched her fists as she thought up several different ways to get back at him. One of her ideas was to throw piss-filled balloons at him. Another was an elaborate plan that involved planting a bloody knife in his locker and framing him for murder.
I'd told her, "But someone would have to be murdered in order to frame him for it" as if that was the only fault in her plan.
In the end, we decided to do absolutely nothing but just try to live our best lives out of spite.
A few minutes before the official start of the meeting, there was a knock at the front door. I got up to answer it, knowing it was Janessa. She had confirmed her friend, Margot, would be coming for the first time.
I opened the door to see Janessa, a warm smile on her face, and who I assumed was Margot, a short girl with curly auburn hair and glasses. Margot wore a floral dress with black combat boots and a nervous smile. She stood about two feet behind Janessa, clearly apprehensive.
"Hey, Connor," Janessa greeted me. "This is my friend, Margot."
"Nice to meet you, Margot," I said to her. "I'm really glad you decided to come. And I'm glad you decided to hang out with us weirdos again," I told Janessa with a laugh.
They came inside, and we posted up in the living room again. After introductions were made, I gave Margot some space to talk, if she wanted to.
"I don't know if Janessa already told you guys," she started, "but I'm bisexual. Um, wow it feels weird to say that out loud to other people." Margot let out a nervous laugh. Janessa put a comforting hand on her friend's arm.
"Trust me, I know," I told her.
"It's also kind of...nice to say," Margot continued. "Like, I'm many other things, but I'm also into girls sometimes. Just admitting it, not just to myself, but to others, it's...freeing. I don't know. Does that sound stupid?"
"Not at all," I said.
"Janessa came out to me not that long ago, and it was crazy because I was dealing with these feelings I didn't understand. Then, after she told me she was gay, I did some research or whatever, and I saw 'bisexual' and something just clicked. I was like, 'Yeah, I think that's me.'"
"That's awesome," Miles said, grinning at Margot.
As Margot relaxed into the environment, I saw a look form in her hazel eyes. It was like her eyes almost hinted at an inside joke, one that she was always in on. I knew she was someone who had multitudes to her, where she could easily switch from joking to having deep conversations. I liked her.
We talked for a bit longer, until there was another knock at the door.
"Be right back," I said, getting up to answer the door.
Outside stood Harper and her cousin, who was hard to miss. He had bright blue hair styled in a messy, yet somehow intentional way that made him look almost effortlessly cool. He wore a black hoodie with the sleeves pushed up, revealing a tattoo of a compass on his forearm.
"Hey, I'm Sky." He reached out a hand, and I was taken aback by the formality that it took me a second to reach out and shake his hand.
"Nice to meet you," I said, feeling déjà vu to a few minutes ago. "Come inside." I smiled at Harper, who smiled back.
Harper looked a bit nervous as she led Sky into the living room, but Sky seemed more composed. He glanced around the room, taking in the scene with a calm but curious expression.
"Hey, everyone," Harper said, giving a small wave. "I'm Harper, Connor's coworker. This is my cousin, Sky."
"Hey," Sky greeted. "Nice to meet you guys."
"I love your hair," Liv told him. "I'm Olivia, or Liv, by the way."
Again, we did introductions to everyone, and gave some space for Harper and Sky to introduce themselves more in-depth.
"So," Sky started, "my unfortunately incredibly straight cousin, Harper, here told me about this group." Sky flashed Harper a grin, who laughed and rolled her eyes in response. "I'm actually trans, female to male. I came out a couple of years ago, which was when my parents kicked me out. So I've been supporting myself since then."
"I'm so sorry," I told him, while others made noises of sympathy.
"Yeah, I've been finishing school online and working two jobs to save up for college," Sky continued. "I do a little graphic design on the side, which I want to major in." The way he spoke, with such certainty, like he knew exactly who he was, impressed me.
"I just need to get out of here for good." Sky let out a bitter laugh. "Like, go far away and never look back. 'Cause we all deserve to be appreciated and seen for who we are, not what we are. You know?"
Everyone nodded in agreement. I was in awe of Sky. He had overcome so much and could talk about it all so openly.
Miles seemed to feel the same way because he told Sky, "Jesus, that was beautiful. You should be giving TED Talks."
Sky laughed, and I saw the two share a look with each other that hinted at...attraction? If Liv got a whiff of that, I knew she'd be trying to play matchmaker.
We all continued talking about our fears, struggles, and dreams for the future. I looked forward to what was to come, but there was still some doubt and uncertainty that lingered in the back of my mind.
I pushed it down the best I could, while simultaneously silently waiting for the other shoe to drop.