March
I finally received an email from Josh the first week of March. The last time I had heard from him was when we said goodbye.
I knew he was responding to me admitting that I kissed Miles, so I hesitated before opening it. He was going to break up with me; I knew it. He hated me for everything that had happened, and on top of that, I kissed someone else.
I tried to take deep breaths as I clicked on it.
Connor,
I remembered the last words Charlotte said to me. I'd been trying to block everything from that time out, to numb myself so I didn't have to relive it. But the thing about rehab is that they make you think about those things, go to places you never wanted to go again. So, I remembered.
Charlotte and I were talking about what she should do, when I was telling her to just keep our secret for a little bit longer. She was crying, and she looked at me and said, "It shouldn't be this hard."
I asked her, "What do you mean?" and she said, "Living. Love. None of it's supposed to be so hard."
Us, you and me, has always been hard. And I know I'm responsible for a lot of it. If I'd just let Charlotte come out, if I'd just set her free, maybe she'd still be here. Maybe things would've turned out differently. I don't know.
I guess this is my way of telling you that you don't need to worry about me anymore. You can be yourself. You can be with whoever you want, be whatever you want. Be happy. Without me.
I'll be fine, okay? I won't drag you down anymore. You're going to have a life that's bigger than me, bigger than that town and everyone in it. And I'll always be rooting for you, no matter what.
Josh
I read his email once, then again, and then three times until the realization settled on me that Josh had, in fact, just broken up with me.
My heart shattered as I stared at my phone until the screen went dark. I wanted to cry, but for some reason I couldn't. It was as though, against my will, my body had decided it couldn't or wouldn't produce any more tears.
I knew it had been hard. Of course I knew that. It seemed like our entire relationship had been doomed from the start. It was always chaos, always difficult.
But I thought it was worth it. We were worth it, worth fighting for and trying for.
I got angry, then, ironically because I was mad Josh wasn't mad. He should've been pissed at me for what I did, or at the very least he should've been sad. But he just resigned to it, as if he were some kind of hero for "setting me free."
Selfishly, I thought that, if he had actually loved me, he shouldn't have been willing to just let go of me like that. The thought that Josh and I were over for good made me realize how much I didn't want to lose to him, how much he meant to me. I certainly wasn't fine with ending things between us like that. No, I wasn't going down without a fight.
So, I wrote him back.
Josh,
I understand that you feel guilty and awful about how everything with Charlotte went down. And sure, maybe things could've been different if you'd made different choices. But we can't rewrite the past. All we can do is focus on the present and look forward to the future, and I still see you in my future.
Don't think for a second that you're doing me a favor by politely bowing out and letting me go. You're not dragging me down. You never have been. I know I fucked up by kissing Miles. But I told you because I was hoping we could work on moving through it, getting past it. I don't want a life that's bigger than you. I want a life with you. I want us to figure things out together, not apart.
If you need space, that's fine. Take it. But don't just end things like this. I'm not giving up on you, on us. So if you're really set on ending this, you're going to have to try harder to convince me. Because right now, I'm still here.
Love,
Connor
I hit send and closed my laptop, feeling a mix of defiance and dread. This wasn't over. Not yet. Not if I had anything to say about it.
***
Later that week, I found out I had been denied to Berkeley. I had also been accepted to the University of Iowa, which was more of a backup, not an option I was seriously considering.
With the help of Nick McKenzie, I submitted an Expression of Continued Interest form to the University of Michigan, updating them on my new extracurricularâGSA club president. Though it wasn't technically sanctioned by the school and therefore couldn't be confirmed, I basically explained the situation and hoped it would be enough to bolster my application and get accepted.
It felt good, taking small steps towards my future. At the same time, it made me think of my parents. I wondered if they thought about me, if they worried about me. I wondered if having me out of their lives made it easier or better for them.
Miles's parents would occasionally urge me to reach out to them. Every time I thought about doing it, though, I'd be filled with anxiety and dread, remembering our last couple of conversations together. So, I didn't.
I wanted to focus more on the future and on the good things I had going on. I didn't want to think about the past because it made me feel like the walls were closing in on me, inching closer and closer until I couldn't breathe.
At our next GSA meeting, which included the same people as before (Janessa, Margot, Harper, and Sky), there was a knock at the front door. It was pouring outside, with thunder rumbling and lightning illuminating the sky. When whoever was at the door knocked, the unexpected sound made a few people jump.
Everyone looked up towards the front entrance. "Did any of you guys invite someone else?" I asked them. I hadn't given out the information to anyone new.
Everyone shook their heads and said, "No," so I hesitantly got up to go to the door. Liv, who had been uncharacteristically quiet, also got up off the couch and followed me to the front door. She had a weird, guilty look on her face.
"What's going on?" I asked her as I went to open the door.
"Listen, I can explain," Liv said quickly. "I just wanted you to hear him out andâ"
There, on the front porch, stood Jake, soaked from the rain. His usual hockey flow stuck against his forehead.
"Connor," he said, a nervous, apologetic look on his face. "Liv gave me the address. I just wanted to talk."
I slowly backed away from the door, clenching my fists. I shook my head. "No, you have to leave." I looked at Liv, then, angrily shooting her a glare. "What the fuck, Liv?"
Jake stepped forward, water dripping off his jacket. "Connor, please. I know I was an asshole before, and I'm sorry. I've been thinking about everything, and I realize how wrong I was."
I scoffed, my anger bubbling up. "You think you can just show up here and apologize, and everything will be fine? It doesn't work like that, Jake. You can't just make up for it with empty apologies. Too little too late."
Liv stepped in between us, her hands up in a placating gesture. "Connor, just give him a chance to explain. Please."
I glared at her but saw the sincerity in her eyes. She really believed he deserved a chance. I sighed and turned back to Jake. "Fine. You've got one minute, so make it count."
Jake took a deep breath, visibly relieved. "Thank you. Look, I know I hurt you, and I was a jerk. I was...I don't know, confused. 'Cause I just didn't expect you to...be gay. You know? So, I made a shitty comment without thinking. And I'm sorry I didn't stand up for you, back when it all went down. You're one of my best friends, dude. And I swear I stopped hanging out with Ben and Lydia and them. They suck. I just...I miss you hanging out with you, Connor."
Looking at Jake, then, sopping wet, a sad, desperate look on his face, a part of me really wanted to forgive him. But another part of me, one that just couldn't trust him, told me I couldn't let him back in. I had to protect myself, my feelings. I was done with my friends treating me like shit.
"I'm sorry," I told him, shaking my head, "but I just...I can't forgive you. Not yet."
I looked down at my feet as I shut the front door. I walked back towards the living room, Liv following me. "Connor, come on. I've been talking to Jake a little bit here and there again, and he's really sorry. Like, he actually wants to change."
As we reentered the living room, everyone was staring at Liv and I, weird looks on their faces. I realized that they had overheard the entire thing. "Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked them.
"Dude, that was cold," Sky said to me.
"Of me?" I asked. "Nah, you guys don't know him. He's a dick."
"Maybe he wants to change. Do better," Harper suggested.
I sighed, feeling conflicted. "Look, I get it. But it's...not that simple."
Liv stepped closer, her eyes pleading. "Connor, just think about it. Give him a chance. I know part of you misses him."
I was about to respond when I looked through the front window. Through the rain-streaked window, I could see Jake walking down the sidewalk toward his car, which was parked on the side of the street. He hung his head as he walked.
I flinched a little at the pit of guilt growing in my stomach.
"Fine," I muttered, more to myself than anyone else. "I'll be back."
I grabbed my jacket and stepped outside into the pouring rain. Just as Jake was about to get back into his car, I shouted his name.
Jake looked up, surprise flashing across his face. "Connor?"
I jogged over to him, the rain soaking through my clothes instantly. As he stared at me, I swallowed before saying, "Listen, I'm still mad at you. Really mad. But I want to believe you're being sincere."
Jake nodded fervently, water dripping off his chin. "I swear, I mean it. I'm really sorry."
I sighed, running a hand through my wet hair. "Okay. You can come back in. But you've got to prove it, dude. You've got to show me you've changed."
A smile slowly spread across his face until he was grinning at me.
We stood there for a moment, staring at each other as rain poured down around us. It was almost like a scene out of a cheesy rom-com, but instead of romance, it was just Jake and me.
"We should hug it out," Jake said, nodding as he said it.
"Or we could...not," I told him.
"C'mon, buddy." He spread his arms out, stepping closer to me. "You know you want to."
I rolled my eyes, but gave in and allowed him to wrap his arms around me briefly. I gave him a pat on his back, and then we stepped back.
"Better?" I asked him.
"Infinitely." Jake grinned at me, and just like that, we were back to normal.
I rolled my eyes at him. "Okay, come on," I said, gesturing towards the door. "Let's go inside before we both get pneumonia."