The next GSA meeting had a lot going on.
We put out a bunch of snacks, including a bougie charcuterie board courtesy of Maggie McKenzie, and got the karaoke machine plugged in and ready to go.
Jake was mostly hanging out in the corner with Liv. He was, thankfully, being quiet and respectful; however, I noticed how close the two of them sat, occasionally "accidentally" brushing their legs against each other. Something sharp settled in the pit of my stomach and I quickly looked away.
As things got going, I spotted a new face lingering near the door. It was a younger kid who looked nervous and unsure of himself. He had a baseball cap pulled low over his eyes, and he kept glancing around as if he was worried someone would see him.
"Hey, you must be Grant," I said with a smile.
"Yeah, that's me," he replied timidly. I knew he must've been about 16, but he looked younger than that. He had large eyes that were opened wide as he came inside and looked around, his posture slouched with uneasiness.
"You're in good company," I reassured him.
Grant gave a small, hesitant smile as he took a few tentative steps into the room. I guided him towards the group.
Miles was playing around with the karaoke machine, trying to get it ready. Sky was beside him, offering unhelpful advice to get the microphones set up properly. Sky noticed us and smiled at Grant.
"Hey!" Miles grinned at Grant, showing off his dimples. "Welcome to the chaos."
"Hey, everyone, this is Grant," I announced, placing a hand on his shoulder briefly. "He's a sophomore at Clareview."
As the introductions continued, everyone gathered around. Janessa gave Grant a reassuring smile. Harper and Margot were discussing something animatedly but paused to welcome him as well.
We settled into our usual spots, some on the couch, others on the floor. I could see Grant slowly starting to relax, his posture less rigid, taking in the faces around him as everyone introduced themselves. Then, it was time for karaoke.
"Alright, who's going first?" Miles called out, holding up the microphone.
"Connor should go!" Liv exclaimed.
"Not happening," I replied quickly, feeling the familiar twist of nerves in my stomach.
"Seriously?" Liv raised an eyebrow at me.
"Don't worry, Harper and I can start us off," Miles said, getting up and grabbing the mics, passing one to Harper. "We're not afraid to look stupid in front of you cowards."
Harper grinned. "Alright, let's do this shit." As the music started, Harper began to sing "Black Sheep" by Metric.
Harper wasn't terrible; she did her best to try to hit the notes. Miles chimed in for the chorus, his voice pretty off-key.
I'll send you my love on a wire
Lift you up, every time, everyone, ooh, pulls away, ooh
From you.
Despite their lack of singing abilities, everyone who knew the lyrics got excited and sang or bobbed their heads along with the song. We cheered for them at the end. Miles and Harper grinned at each other and high-fived as if they nailed it.
Next, unfortunately, Jake and Liv were doing a duet, both of whom I knew had terrible singing voices. The intro to "Lgbt" by cupcakKe started blaring through the speakers. As soon as I realized what song they were doing, I started laughing.
Jake started rapping in his white-bro style, a faux serious look on his face as he belted out the lyrics. "Fuck out the way when you see me! I'm rollin' with the LGBT."
Liv grinned and pointed to me as she rapped, "Gotta make these bitches sick when they see you. And if a bitch wants beef, give her beef stew."
All of us lost our shit as they performed, laughing our asses off. It quickly became clear that Jake and Liv had rehearsed this, including slightly off-beat dance moves.
At the end of the song, Liv smiled at everyone, saying, "You're welcome" as Jake said, "She made me practice that song like 50 times."
"Your turn, Con," Liv said to me as she held out her mic to me.
Everyone stared at me expectantly, as if watching me make a fool out of myself was their reason for even coming.
"I'm...not really a singer," I said. "I can just be part of the audience."
"Come on, Connor," Sky goaded me.
"You can't escape it now!" Miles called out.
With everyone cheering me on, I finally relented. "Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you."
The intro to "brutal" by Olivia Rodrigo started playing. "I love rock and roll," I joked into the mic, feeling sweat build under my arms.
I started singing, my voice shaky, while I tried to ignore everyone's eyes on me. I caught Liv staring at me, an excited look on her face as she literally sat on the edge of her seat. I smiled and rolled my eyes at her.
And I'm so sick of 17
Where's my fucking teenage dream?
If someone tells me one more time
'Enjoy your youth,' I'm gonna cry.
I launched into the chorus, everything around me disappearing as I shouted out the lyrics in a super, embarrassingly angsty voice.
By the time I sang the final lines, I felt a rush of adrenaline. The nervousness I had felt was replaced by some weird sense of liberation. The group erupted in cheers and applause, everyone shocked by how I had sung so intensely.
Liv jumped up, grinning at me. "Wait, Connor, that was amazing!" Others nodded in agreement.
I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling awkward as everyone praised me. It was almost like I blacked out, turned into some other version of myself, but had now returned to my usual self.
Janessa grabbed the microphone, smiling at everyone. "Okay, I'm gonna go next."
Then, she started singing "Talia" by King Princess, immediately one-upping me. Janessa could sing. Her voice was soft and haunting, and something in her tone hit me where it hurt. Josh had mentioned this song before, when he talked about Charlotte. The memory of him, combined with the lyrics and Janessa's beautiful voice, was like a punch to the gut.
Everyone praised her as she finished the song, but Liv's attention was pulled to me.
"Con, are you crying?" Liv asked me, looking at me with concern.
I put a hand to my face and realized a couple of tears had slid down my cheeks without me even realizing it. I quickly wiped them away, embarrassed. "No. I mean, yes, but it's just...a really good song and Janessa's a really good singer. Stop staring at me like that."
"Are you okay?"
Everyone had quieted down and was staring at me, looks of worry on their faces. I felt my cheeks heating up and looked down at the floor.
"I mean, I'm fine. I don't know. Josh had mentioned something about that song Janessa sang, and I started thinking about him and how I missed him. And then I remembered how he had broken up with me, so..." My voice trailed off.
"Wait, what?" Liv asked in a shocked voice. "When did this happen? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I'm so sorry, Connor," Miles said, shooting me a look of sympathy.
I shrugged, silently willing everyone to stop looking at me. "A couple of weeks ago. I-I don't know. It was just over email."
Liv got up and walked over to me, enveloping me in a hug. Suddenly, Miles's arms were also wrapped around me, and soon after everyone was just crowded around me, wrapped around me and each other like some sort of human cocoon.
"This is really unnecessary," I told them. "I mean, we're not really broken up. Or, we are, but I'm trying to...change his mind. Or maybe I'm just in denial."
Everyone pulled out of our ridiculous group hug and sat around me, leaning forward as though what I was saying was incredibly interesting. I wished I hadn't said anything. I usually held my cards close to my chest, never fully revealing everything that was going on inside my mind. I didn't like being this vulnerable, not in front of so many people who maybe considered me some sort of leader.
"What happened?" Liv asked gently. I didn't like the way her voice was quiet and gentle and unlike her, or the way she was looking at me like I was a mental patient she needed to be careful with. Like I was fragile.
"He said something about how he needed to let me go because he thinks he's dragging me down," I said, pretending I was talking to Liv and not the entire group. "And I told him that's not true at all and how I didn't want to end things like this. Then, in his most recent email, he basically doubled down. 'Love isn't enough to fix what's broken in me.' That's what he said in the email I got a couple days ago."
"That's sort of beautiful," Janessa commented. "I mean, it's completely misguided, but he's trying to sacrifice his own wants or happiness or whatever for you."
"But I don't want him to," I replied. I let out a sigh, my frustration with Josh coming through my strained voice. "I never asked him to. I would never ask him to. Because I love him and want to be with him even when it's hard. No, especially when it's hard." I groaned and closed my eyes, trying to ignore everyone's eyes on me.
"'The hard is what makes it great,'" I heard Margot say. I opened my eyes and looked at her. "What's that from?" she asked.
"A League of Their Own," Janessa replied.
"Oooh, we should watch that!" Margot replied excitedly before remembering what we were talking about. "Sorry. Um, anyway, I get what you mean. Have you told Josh all of this?"
I nodded. "Yeah, but he's stubborn."
"Hey, that's what Charlotte said about him, too," Janessa told me, a small, sad smile on her face. "She said he's loyal to a fault and could be so stubborn she wanted to smack him."
I let out a brief laugh. "Yeah, sounds about right." I then sighed again. "I don't know, I just feel like if I could talk to him in person, we could figure everything out. But we can't, so I just stare at my phone all day, hoping to get an email from him with a message I'll probably never get."
"I wish I knew you were going through this, Con," Liv piped up. "Do you want me to roll up in Utah and talk some sense into him?"
I smiled and rolled my eyes at her. "Yes, please. Figure out where he is, break into where he's staying, and demand he unbreak up with me. That wouldn't be psycho at all."
"Alright, I'll go pack a bag," she said, pretending to get up.
"Wait, if you're going to Utah, I'm coming," Sky said. "I've always wanted to go to Zion National Park."
"Salt Lake City is where it's at," Harper told him.
"I know you guys are joking," I interrupted them, "but we actually should go somewhere and do something fun. To get away from this shithole for a bit."
I had seen on Comet Haus's Instagram account that Lois Carmen Denominator would be performing there again in a couple of weeks. I thought back to what she'd said, about having a chat the next time she performed. It was possible that she was just trying to get another fan to show up. But something about her felt really genuine, and I wanted to talk to her again to see if it was.
I had decided then I'd bring up the idea of all of us going to the club together. I knew it might be a lot for some of them, but that night had awoken something in me. I wanted them to feel that, too.
"Where?" Sky asked me.
"There's this club in Mayford," I said, looking at Liv, who smiled excitedly at me. "A drag queen Liv and I saw there before, Lois Carmen Denominator, is performing there again."
"Oh my god!" Miles looked at me with wide eyes, a grin spreading across his face. "I follow her on Insta! Yes, we definitely should."
Grant finally contributed to the conversation, his voice coming out quietly. "I-I would like to. Go watch drag queens, I mean."
"Then it's settled," Miles announced. "We're going!"
Before everyone got overly excited, I said, "Well, one complication. You all need fake IDs to get in. It's 21 and over. Liv and I had to use them last time."
"I mean, I have a fake," Sky told me. "There's this website you can use. It's pretty much as shady as it sounds, but it works. I can hook us all up."
With the plan in place, we spent the remainder of the meeting hashing out details. It was a welcome distraction from me staring at my phone and willing myself to not send Josh 100 emails. Or do something as crazy as Liv joked about, like showing up unannounced in Utah.
Maybe I just needed to find a way to move on. Maybe I needed to accept that Josh and I had just been temporary, that it was over now. Yet a part of me still believed, deep down, we'd find our way back to each other.