As the fundraising event approached, school had become a 7-hour inconvenience I had to muddle through in order to get back to my life.
After the drag show, I had DM'd Lois, who our group now occasionally FaceTimed with to sort out all of the details. We spent a couple of evenings a week at Miles's house to plan, as well as just be in each other's company.
"Okay, we need to finalize the date," Liv had said at one of our first event planning meetings. "Lois said she can talk to the club owner, but we need to have a couple of options for her to present."
We'd spent the next hour debating dates, considering school schedules and other conflicts. Finally, we had settled on a Saturday in mid-May. It gave us just under a month to pull everything together.
I was basically in charge of all of the logistics. Sky was in charge of all of the designs for posters and social media posts. Liv was planning all of the food and decorations. Jake had taken it upon himself to name himself the Vibe Checker, which basically meant he did nothing except whatever Liv told him to do.
Miles had begun to reach out to local businesses and organizations to donate items for a silent auction or cash. We mostly came up empty in Clareview, but since the event was in Mayford, a few places from there had donated.
I had been working with Lois to get a few drag queens to perform so that we could charge for admittance. All of the proceeds from the event would be donated to organizations that helped LGBTQ+ youth.
Planning the event was way more work than I had anticipated. The date was approaching quickly.
"Do we have any sponsors or donations lined up?" I asked Miles at one of our meetings.
He nodded. "I reached out to a few local businesses, and some of them are willing to donate gift cards and merchandise for our silent auction. It's not a lot, but it's a start."
"We should have a photo booth," Margot chimed in. "Like, with colorful backdrops and props. If we have a photographer, people could pay a fee to get their photos or something?"
I added it to my growing list of things to get and to do.
"I know a couple of artists who might be willing to donate for the auction," Sky added. "I can reach out to them."
"Okay, cool." I smiled at him. "Liv, what did you think for the food?"
"So, I talked to a couple of vendors in Mayford. We're going to have rainbow-themed desserts, buffet-style snacks, mocktails."
"We should also have donation stations at the event," Sky added. "And maybe sell some pride-themed merchandise. It'll be another way to raise funds."
"We also need to think about, like, having security measures in place," Harper said.
I nodded. "Lois said a few of the bouncers from the club will help us out with security."
One evening, as we were finalizing some details, we FaceTimed Lois to get her input. Everyone gathered behind me.
"Darlings!" Lois exclaimed as her face filled the screen. "How are my favorite event planners?"
"Hey, Lois!" we all greeted her.
"We're getting everything sorted," I said, bringing her up to speed. "We've got the date set, most of the decorations planned and everything. Do you know who has agreed to perform so far?"
Lois's smile grew wider. "Oh, honey, I've pulled some strings. You're going to have the fabulous Miss Thingamajig, Robin Banks has agreed to perform, as well as Anita Drink. Of course, yours truly will be there. And a queen whose origin began in that hellhole you call Clareview will be there. Her name is Ella Mental. You'll love her."
"Thank you so much," I told Lois, smiling at her face on the screen.
"Oh, and I've managed to secure some fantastic items for the silent auction," she added. "We've got signed posters from LGBTQ+ artists, a custom gown from one of my drag sisters, and even a weekend getaway donated by a local bed and breakfast. People are going to be fighting to place their bids."
We spent the next half hour discussing everything from the layout of the club to the flow of the evening. By the time we ended the call, I felt much more relaxed. We were actually going to pull this off.
"We seriously owe you for doing all of this for us," I said as we wrapped up.
"Nonsense, baby face," Lois replied with a wink. "Y'all are going to make a real difference. It's going to be sickening." She drew out the word sickening, emphasizing every syllable. "Talk soon."
After we hung up, all of us were excited. It felt like we were building something monumental, doing something important. I'd never really felt like that before, like I was someone who could make a difference. I'd never really had passions before, never knew what I wanted to do with my life. I figured I'd just settle into something the way my parents had, go to college, get a job and make a living however I could.
But looking at the happiness on my friends' faces, I realized maybe I was closer than I'd ever been to figuring out what I actually wanted to do with my life.
The weeks flew by as we worked to bring the Rainbow Gala to life. We dedicated every spare minute to planning, coordinating, and promoting.
As we packed up for the night about a week before the event, Liv turned to me with a smile. "This is gonna be so awesome."
"Yeah," I agreed, a smile spreading across my face.
Just as quickly, though, the smile fell from my face. I was proud of us, of myself, but I kept thinking about Josh. And my parents.
I had been putting off reaching out to my parents for as long as humanly possible. I knew it was time to tell them everything that was on my mind. Even though a part of me dreaded hearing their disapproval of me, of who I was as a person, I knew I'd never forgive myself if I didn't at least make the smallest effort.
So, a few nights before the event, I sat down and wrote my parents a letter. Not a typed one, but an actual handwritten letter like this was the goddamn middle ages. For some reason, it felt important to do it that way. Like it made it more meaningful, that they would see my heart and emotions through my handwriting, as ridiculous as that sounds.
When I finished, I stared down at the sheet of paper and crumpled it up. Then, I wrote it again. And again. And again, until I had the following written out:
Hi Mom & Dad,
It's me. Your son. I know we haven't talked in a while. I have a few things I want to say and I thought it'd be easier to write them down, since we can't seem to be able to have a civilized conversation anymore because our emotions always get the best of us.
I thought I'd start with a reintroduction to myself. I've hid a part of myself for so long that at a certain point, I lost sight of who I even was anymore. But I know now. I'm Connor Hill and I'm your son, the same son I've always been.
I like listening to mainstream pop music, watching stupid teen dramas on Netflix, and I think green beans taste disgusting. I love our annual trips to Six Flags with the cousins even though I always get sick on the Batman ride. I like Mom's homemade blueberry pie. I like the way Dad falls asleep immediately every time we try to watch a movie together.
I love you both. I'll love you even if you can't accept me. The love we have for family doesn't just go away. I know you tried your best. If me being gay is something you can't live with, then I'll have no choice but to accept that. I really hope you both can learn to open your minds, though, because I'd honestly really like to come home.
But I have friends who I love, and an entire community ready to welcome me with open arms. If you can't love me because of this, I'll be okay. However, if you're willing to learn more, please consider coming to the event I organized. I left you both a flier.
Love,
Connor
Afterwards, I felt so good about finally getting out all of the words I'd been wanting to say that I wrote two more lettersâone to Josh, and one to his parents. (A little psycho, I know, but just hear me out.)
The letter to Josh's parents contained the following:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Brooks,
Hi. My name is Connor Hill. I'm not sure if you already know who I am, so I'm going to tell you anyway. I'm the gay boy who's in love with your son. I know I can't change your ideals and your minds with just a letter, but there are a few things I think you should know about your son.
Firstly, Josh is a really good person. He is a fiercely loyal person and incredibly caring friend. He doesn't always make the best choices, but he has the strength to own up to his faults and tries to be better. He loves hard and unconditionally.
But I'm sure you both already know all of these things. You raised him. You raised him to be an amazing person and someone I was proud to call my boyfriend. I think that you can learn something from your son. You both can make the decision to give up on him because of something he can't change about himself, or you can choose to own up to your own faults and decide to love him without conditions or restraints.
I know which choice I'd make if I were in your shoes because it's a choice I've already made.
Hopeful Regards,
Connor Hill
P.S. If you want to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community, I've left you a flier for an event I organized. I really do hope to see you both there.
I drove to my parents' house to drop off the letter in the mailbox. I did it late at night to be sure I wouldn't run into them. As I pulled up in front of the mailbox, I stared at the house. It looked the same as it always had, yet everything felt different.
I thought back to all of the good memories from my childhood: movie nights in the living room, opening presents on Christmas morning, my dad's face smiling proudly at me as I rode my bike on my own for the first time. It seemed so distant now, like another lifetime.
My fingers shook a little as I opened the mailbox and slipped the letter inside.
Before leaving, I took one last glance back at the house. I missed them, even though they were still physically here. I hoped that, somehow, my words would reach the part of my parents that still loved me unconditionally. I hoped that they could find a way to meet me halfway.
But, of course, there were no guarantees.
After I dropped off the other letter at Josh's house, I stared at my laptop for what felt like an eternity as I planned out what I wanted to say to Josh. It felt impossible to find the right words.
How do you put into words what someone means to you when it feels like they mean everything? I sighed and ran a hand through my hair in frustration.
I typed and deleted the same sentence over and over again. Nothing seemed right. I wanted to convey how deeply I felt for him, how our brief time together had changed me in ways I couldn't fully understand or articulate.
I closed my eyes and tried to summon the courage to just start typing. I thought about our first kiss, the night I picked him up from the police station, the way he'd smile amusedly when I said something funny.
Finally, I started typing.
Josh,
I've been sitting here for hours, trying to find the right words to say to you. I know you're focused on getting better, and I absolutely respect that and want that for you. But there are a few things I need to tell you, and I'm trying this thing where I don't leave anything unsaid.
First off, I want you to know about the GSA club I started. After everything that happened, Liv, Miles, and I decided we needed to do something meaningful, something that would help other kids who feel as lost and scared as we did. So we started a Gay-Straight Alliance. We've brought together a group of amazing people, and we're organizing this huge fundraising event. It's going to be at the drag club, with performances, music, and so much love.
I need you to understand how much you mean to me, how much you've always meant to me. I believe that everything happens for a reason. The pain, the struggles, the moments of pure happinessâthey're all part of something bigger, something that shapes us into who we're meant to be. I know it sounds cheesy, but bear with me.
When I met you, I felt like the universe had finally clicked into place. You came into my life and made me see things differently, made me feel things I didn't think I could feel. And even though we've been through hell and back, I wouldn't trade any of it.
I wish you could be here to see what we're building, but more than anything, I want you to be happy and healthy. I want you to find peace with yourself, to know that you deserve all the good things life has to offer.
So here it is, my stupid, grand proclamation of love: I love you, Josh Brooks. Whether we're together or not, I'll always only wish the best for you. No matter what happens, you've already changed my life forever.
Love,
Connor
I read over the message several times. It wasn't perfect, but it was honest. I attached the poster for the event for him to see and hit send.
The day before the event, I got an email back from Josh. It was only three words, but they were the most important three words I'd ever read in my life:
I'm coming home.