I made my way to our room, knocking lightly on the door. The lights were still off and Jax's pack of cigarettes was still on the small table in front of our room, so I assumed that he was still there. I sat at the table, lighting a cigarette and feeling the burn in my lungs. I pulled my knees up to my chest, resting my chin on them. It was cold, but I barely felt it. My mind was racing. I went into the trunk of my car and grabbed the other mickey of Jack that I had in there. At least I was prepared.
I don't really remember what happened after that. It was mostly just a blur of crying, drinking and smoking all Jax's cigarettes. I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until I felt myself being shaken awake.
"Scarlett? What the fuck are you doing out here?" I just looked at him, shaking my head. He looked at me like I was a bomb about to explode. I felt disoriented, like my body was here but my mind was drifting. I couldn't even respond.
"Babe, you're freezing. Just come inside at least." I nodded, but made no move to get up. He looked at me warily before kneeling in front of me. He took my hands, rubbing them between his own to warm them. I barely felt it. I couldn't feel anything, I was completely numb. I didn't realize what he was doing until I was being pulled up and into the room. Jax gave me a light push towards the bed. I curled up into myself, staring at the wall. I heard Jax start the shower before he went outside. His voice was muffled, but I knew he was talking to Val. His face flashed in my mind, the look in his eyes when I told him I lied. My heart clenched, my eyes filling with tears. I blinked them away. I heard Jax come back in the room, but I didn't move. His face came into sight, kneeling in front of me at the edge of the bed. He brushed away the hair that had fallen into my face, his fingers brushing my cheek.
"The waters hot. You're freezing, you need to warm up." I nodded, getting up and going to the bathroom. I shut the door behind me before I stripped, getting into the shower. I sat on the floor of the shower, not even caring how gross it was. I felt like I had no energy to do anything. I felt the water warm my skin, feeling a little more sober. I don't know how long I sat there for before I saw Jax's hand reach in a turn off the water. I didn't realize that I was shivering. The water must have gone cold. I opened the door and he was waiting there, holding out a towel. His eyes didn't move from my face. I let him wrap the towel around me, leaning into the warmth of his body.
"The whole point was to get warm, not sit in freezing cold water. You're going to get sick." He rubbed his hands against my arms with the towel. I shrugged, not really caring. He just sighed.
"Are you hungry?"
"No."
"Do you want me to get you anything?"
"No, I'm ok."
"Do you want to, like, talk or someth-"
"No."
"Ok."
"I think I'm going to sleep." He nodded. I tried not to look at him for too long. I wasn't used to him being caring, it was a strange feeling. He was looking at me like I was going to break down any second. I got changed, grabbing a random sweater from the bed and throwing it on over my underwear and crawling into bed. I didn't want to think about what had happened, so I slept.
When I woke up I felt a little better. Jax wasn't around, so I went outside for a cigarette and some fresh air. I tried to think about what happened, what I was going to do, but I just ended up crying again. I was so fucking pathetic. I should be angry. They lied to me for months and tried to make it seem like they did it for me and not themselves. Maybe they weren't going to tell me at all. I mean, it's not like they would be completely wrong. Who would want a twenty year old alcoholic with anger issues around their kid? What hurt more was that they didn't think I could change. For that kid I would have done anything. But I pushed them away. I doubted Val would talk to me ever again after I told him the truth about that night. Anastasia would probably run back to wherever she came from and disappear again. I was alone all over again, and I couldn't really blame anyone but myself.
I made my way back into the room and headed straight for mini fridge. I opened whatever I found, downing it. When I was sufficiently drunk, I decided it wouldn't be a pity party without some music. I blasted my favourite sad songs, dancing around in my underwear and the huge hoodie I found. I knew it was Jax's because it had his signature scent mixed in with the smell of smoke. I grabbed another one of the mini bottles, drinking its contents and throwing it over my shoulder. I needed to distract myself. I didn't want to think about Val or Anastasia or my brother's kid. I needed to think about something else and I couldn't do that stuck in this shitty ass motel. I decided that I would walk around wherever the fuck town this was until I found something that resembled a bar. As I began to take the hoodie off, the door opened. Jax came in, a McDonald's bag in his hand.
"Jesus. I have seen you shirtless way too many times in the past 12 hours." I threw the sweater off and onto the bed, looking around the room for my bag. Jax was standing by the door, a pained expression on his face as he ran a hand through his hair.
"What are you doing, Scarlett?"
"I'm going out."
"Are you drunk?" I gave him an innocent smile.
"No."
"Where did you even find alcohol?" I pointed to the mini fridge, and the several mini bottles that were littered around it.
"Oops?"
"Jesus Christ, you're going to get me in a lot of goddamn trouble. Can you at least call Val back? He's been busting my balls all day." I ignored the sinking feeling in my stomach.
"I'm going out."
"Out where? We're in the middle of fucking nowhere. I had to drive for half an hour just to get some shitty ass food."
"I need to get out of this fucking room. Where the fuck is my bag?" I bent over to look under the bed and heard Jax choke on air.
"Scarlett. You need to put some goddamn clothes on. If Val finds out that I saw you like this he's going to cut my balls off." I got up, ignoring the pain in my ribs and walked over until I was right in front of him.
"Who cares? Val doesn't own me and he can't tell me what to do anymore."
"Look I know you guys got in a fight but-"
"Do you know? Did you know that my best friend, who left me the same night I tried to kill myself, is pregnant with my dead brother's child? Did you know that Valentino lied to me about it for months because he thinks I'm too fucked up to be around a kid?"
"I don't think-"
"I don't care anymore. I don't care what Val says. I don't care about anything. I want you to distract me."
"Scarlett I-" I brought my hands around his face and he took in a sharp breath. I traced my fingers down his cheek, brushing my thumb over his lips. My hands wandered like they had a mind of their own. Down his chest, under his shirt. His skin was warm under my cold hands. Being this close to him was making it hard for me to breathe. I slid his cut of his shoulders, placing it gently on a chair. I brushed my lips against his neck, bringing them to his ear.
"This is what you wanted, isn't it? You want to fuck me, don't you?" he groaned softly. I moved my hands lower until they rested at the waistband of his jeans. His hands were still at his sides and I watched as he clenched and unclenched his fists.
"You don't have to fight it Jax. I want you." I moved my hand to the bulge in his pants. He leant his head back on the wall, his eyes closed and his eyebrows pulled together.
"You're drunk, Scar."
"Doesn't matter. I want you just as much when I'm sober." I rested my forehead against his chest, rubbing him through his pants. My breathing was shallow. Every part of me was telling me that I needed him.
"Please Jax. I need you." He gripped my chin, forcing me to look up at him. His green eyes were dark, the look on his face was enough to make me lose my breath.
"I'm not a good guy Scarlett. I can't give you anything more than this." I tilted my face so we were a breath apart.
"Good."
I didn't wait for him to answer, instead I closed the distance between us. It didn't take long for him to respond, his hands moving to my waist. He flipped us around so my back was against the wall, pressing his body into mine. I winced at the pain in my ribs, but pulled him closer anyway. His lips were soft but demanding, taking control. My hands snaked around to his toned back, pulling him closer and digging my fingers into his skin. He pressed himself against me and I moaned into his mouth. I pulled his shirt over his head, taking a minute to admire him. I brought him to the edge of the bed, sitting on it so my face was level with his toned torso as he stood in front of me. I took my time, running my mouth and tongue over the ink that covered his skin. His hand ran through my hair lightly, pulling at the ends and tilting my head up so he could capture my lips with his. My hands went to his pants, undoing them and sliding them down his legs. Just as my hands were reaching for his boxers, he grabbed them, pulling them away. He was breathing heavy, his hands gripping mine. He rested his forehead against mine.
"We can't." his voice sounded pained. I took one look at his face and knew it wasn't up for discussion. I sighed deeply, flopping back against the bed, breathing hard. He did the same, our arms brushing.
"Scarlett..."
"It's ok."
"It's not that I don't want to, I think you can see just how much I do."
"It's ok Jax."
"If you still want this when you're sober, then I'm all yours darlin'." I turned my head to look at him. He was still in his boxers, his chest and torso on display. I bit my lip and forced myself to change the subject.
"Are you mad that I left you here?" he turned his head to look at me, a crooked smile on his lips.
"I was. I figured you got enough shit when you went back to the clubhouse, though." I nodded, focusing my eyes on the ceiling.
"Scarlett, did you mean what you said? About the night your friend left?" His voice was quiet, making my breath catch in my throat. I hadn't even realized I had said that.
"I did. But I regret it every single day, you know?" I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn't look at him. I didn't want to see the inevitable pity in his eyes for the stupid girl who tried to end her own life because her brother died. I had never told anyone about that night except for my therapist and I never planned on speaking of it ever again. Then I felt Jax's big hand wrap around my own, my small hand drowning in his. Â The look in his eyes made my heart race. Â I brought his hand closer to me, placing it on my stomach and playing with his fingers, running mine over his rings. I looked at him, expecting to see pity but finding understanding and something else I couldn't quite place.
"It's getting real hard to stay away from you Jax. I don't know how much longer I'll last." He chuckled quietly. My eyes were shutting without my permission, my body finally giving into the alcohol.
"You and me both, darlin'."