Chapter 25: 24 • Lambs & Wolves

⚠trigger - bullying / body shaming

Eva’s hesitant eyes landed on Maite, who was sitting beside her. Surprisingly, the girl’s hyper activeness seemed to be on pause. Then again, maybe Maite was one of those students who actually shut their mouths and paid attention in class.

If Maite was better than average, then Eva could use that as a ruse to build a rapport with her.  She could perhaps ask her to tutor her on subjects she found hard. That’d be a good enough way to make a friend, right? And even if not a friend, she’d at least be seen interacting with someone and maybe Logan won’t get any more calls from worried teachers.

As if on cue, Eva’s eyes darted towards Mr Quinn, her English teacher, who was explaining something to one of the students seated at the very front. Eva didn’t know the kid’s name. She preferred being overlooked, was comfortable walking in the shadows and that also meant having absolutely no interest in the world around her. The assumption that quiet people were observant didn’t apply to her— she didn’t give a second glance to anybody else. With the exception of her teachers or Maite. And there was Terrence. She supposed Jessalyn too was one of those whose existence she was very aware of.

She tore her eyes away from Mr Quinn, staring hard at the half-written essay in her notebook instead, hoping the gesture would also rip away the face of Jessalyn from her mind. Eva didn’t know why, but something in her stomach clenched whenever she thought of the bubbly girl she once knew; a girl that no longer existed.

Eva didn’t like the feeling. She didn’t like feeling like she had maybe pushed Jessalyn away a little too hard… was it called guilt? Eva gripped her pen a little tighter, her mood almost turning sour and the content feeling from this morning after running into Terrence slowly dissipating.

“Alright, listen up fellas,” Mr Quinn’s crystal clear, silvery voice cut through the silence that had settled on the classroom. Nobody batted an eye at his informal manner of speech; he pulled it off with the easy-going, patient personality of his. “I know it’s the beginning of the year but the project is fairly simple and it’s easier to give you your assignments in chunks rather than piling it all up for the last few weeks of the year. I’m pretty sure the lot of you can appreciate that, yes?” The corner of his mouth lifted into a smile and Eva felt like she wanted to smile too.

For a second —a split second —she wondered if Terrence would grow up to be someone like Mr Quinn. Kind, smart and helpful, always greeting everyone with a warm smile.

She shook the thought off.

“Are we getting a project?” Maite asked, her voice low enough for only Eva’s ears though she seemed to be talking to herself. “Already? I thought I could relax for at least the first month of this year,” she was frowning slightly.

Eva opened her mouth to say something, then stopped herself. But then noticing Mr Quinn looking in their direction, she turned towards Maite, wanting to give off the impression she was being sociable. “Well you heard what he said,” Eva pointed out matter-of-factly, and Maite’s almond eyes seemed to grow large at the fact that Eva was actually speaking to her without being addressed. “He’s making it easier for us so that we don’t get stuck doing everything towards the end.” Eva shrugged, hoping the tiny gesture would make her seem nonchalant and not show the utter discomfort that was flooding her insides.

“Yeah…” Maite blinked, as if slowly recovering from the shock of Eva making communication, “yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

Eva forced herself to offer the girl a quick, tiny smile and when she did, Maite looked about ready to pass out.

“So you have two options here,” their teacher continued, waving his hands in the air in a manner that suggested it was natural to him, “you can pick your favourite author and read all their works, then write about any gradual change you noticed in their writing style, their voices, if what they wrote reflected any significant parts of their own life and upbringing, what you personally thought of their works… OR you could opt to read preferably around ten poems written during the nineteenth and twentieth century, and write a paper on each of these ten poems regarding your personal interpretation of them and explain why you think that that is the message the poet or poetess is trying to tell. And of course, support your theory with quotes, examples of specific terminology and other devices the writer would have used in these poems. Sound about okay to you guys? And before I forget, you can do this project in twos.”

At that, Maite’s head snapped towards Eva, the grin on her face seeming to light up the entire goddamn classroom. Oh boy, Eva couldn’t help but think.

Mr Quinn looked around the classroom, satisfied that every single one of his students was paying attention to him. “Any questions?”

A hand shot up in the air almost immediately.

“Yes, Samuel?” he addressed the boy with the shit-eating grin at the back of the class wearily.

“You said preferably ten poems,” the boy that Eva just found out was named Samuel pointed out, “does that mean it can be lower than ten? Like, maybe, I don’t know, just one?”

A short, light chorus of laughter rang throughout the class.

Mr Quinn just shook his head, smiling nevertheless. “Sure, go ahead,” he replied easily, “I’ll take it that you won’t mind if I mark your project out of, I don’t know, twenty instead of a hundred?”

This time, the ring of laughter was more profound.

Samuel just saluted their teacher good-naturedly before turning towards his friend. Not long later, the bell rang to signal the end of class.

Eva took her time packing her stuff away; being punctual, pleasing her teachers by going to class on time was never a priority for her.

Maite was walking in front of her, chatting away about her mother’s disastrous cooking skills but Eva tuned out the conversation, her guts doing somersaults when she heard the affection in Maite’s voice when she spoke of her mother.

“Eva,” Mr Quinn’s voice made both Maite and Eva come to a halt whilst the rest of the class filed out.

He turned to Maite, “better get going, yeah?” he smiled softly and she grinned in response before waving at Eva and scurrying away. After watching her leave, he turned his attention back to Eva.

“You’re making a friend, I see,” he stated, grey eyes looking down at her with something warm and Eva couldn’t stop herself from comparing it with Logan’s grey ones. Except that her stepfather’s lacked anything warm and reminded her of stormy nights where everything was too loud and seemed to shake the entire world with fear.

“Her name is Maite,” she found herself saying, feeling compelled to answer.

“Yes, I believe it is,” he replied, and Eva realised he must have already known her name considering she was his student too. “It’s nice to see you put yourself out there; it helps to have friends, you know.”

Eva’s eyes landed on the tiled floor, finding the bland whiteness of it interesting all of a sudden. “Mm,” was all she could say.

“Alright, Eva,” he sighed and Eva wondered if she’d upset him, “don’t want to keep you any longer, you’ll be late to your next class. Hurry along now, and good luck with the project!” Eva looked up at him finally, and seeing the small smile on his face made a pang go off inside her. She was… sad? She didn’t understand.

Nodding quickly, she tightened her grip on the strap of her bag and walked out.

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It was just after history, a class she sought as an escape because neither Maite nor Terrence was in it. It wasn’t that she loathed their presence anymore. She’d grown accustomed to Terrence’s antics and his ability to pop up wherever she was… and she also found that Maite’s presence was tolerable. However, now that she had to try befriending them, the effort seemed to be draining her and History period provided her that much-needed break.

She could sulk and keep to herself without having to force herself to make conversation while her insides squirmed with uneasiness and the fear of unfamiliar territory.

But now that it was over and she was walking down the hallway towards her locker, knowing that either Maite or Terrence would be there, she felt the exhaustion catching up with her.

Eva pulled the long sleeves of the grey sweater she wore over her uniform self-consciously until they swallowed most of her palms and only the upper quarter of her fingers could be seen. She lifted her head back up, but not fast enough to stop her left shoulder from knocking into the arm of a really tall guy walking in the opposite direction.

She staggered slightly, but the impact wasn’t too hard to make her fall. The boy, on the other hand, seemed unfazed by it. As if it was a feather that had brushed against his skin. Then again, considering Eva’s frame and body structure, it wasn’t all too surprising.

All she caught was a glimpse of a black hoodie with red draw cords from the hood hanging loosely on his chest as he kept walking away.

Picking up her pace, she reached her locker and to her surprise, didn’t find Maite or Terrence there. A huge, gigantic part of her was relieved and grateful… but somewhere deep, deep inside, there was an odd sensation and she couldn’t put a name on it.

Opening the locker, she grabbed a brown paper bag she used to store her lunch. Logan didn’t really care about providing lunch money and she supposed it didn’t matter because she loved cooking and even if she didn’t get to enjoy her dinner meals, she’d always save some for the next morning for school. All it required was some microwaving in the morning.

She had just shut the door of her locker and turned around when her eyes locked with familiar brown ones.

Jessalyn was, as usual, walking with a few of the other girls she always hung out with. Eva noticed there were three guys along with the lot this time.

“I can’t believe I got an eighty-six on my test,” this girl, with vibrant red hair and icy blue eyes was complaining. “I was seriously aiming for a ninety-five.”

One of the boys rolled his eyes. “It’s still better than a fail, and definitely higher than the class average so quit your whining.”

The girl glared at him, “don’t you —” She came to an abrupt stop when her eyes landed on Eva. “What the heck are you looking at?”

Eva’s stomach dropped to her feet.

“Cat got your tongue, sweetie?” another girl, with black hair styled into a pixie cut, smirked before turning around to tell the rest of the group, “Apparently, this one doesn’t talk much. Would have thought she was a mute if not for that one time Miss Vandenhoff called her out in class for being a dimwit.”

The redhead with unforgiving blue eyes began walking in Eva’s direction. “Is that so?” she murmured to herself, the corner of her mouth lifting into a crooked smile. But Eva knew that smile held no warmth. For a moment, her eyes snapped to Jessalyn’s.

The other girl looked away, biting hard on her lip.

“So, what’s the story?” The red-haired girl asked, coming to a stop right in front of Eva.

“Come on, Riley,” the boy who asked her to stop complaining earlier said, “we’re on lunch break now. Do we really have to do this?”

“No one’s asking you to stay and watch,” Riley shrugged, dismissing him. She turned her eyes back to Eva, “So?”

Eva supressed the urge to flinch at the sheer coldness in the girl’s blue eyes.

The girl with the pixie cut snorted before moving forward to join Riley. “Told ya, the lamb doesn’t speak.”

“Lamb?” Riley sounded amused, her eyes assessing Eva’s body. Then, she smirked. “Quite an interesting comparison, Anna,” she was saying to the other girl. “See, my favourite dish? Lamb chops.” Riley grinned and Anna just snickered.

Jessalyn still wouldn’t look their way.

“And comparing you to juicy meat, well…” Riley’s hand reached out and Eva waited, readying herself for the inevitable strike that’d send her flying to the ground. Maybe she’ll be quicker than Logan.

Instead, Riley’s fingers landed on Eva’s throat, tracing the collarbone that was sticking out with a sneer on her strikingly pretty face. “…is pretty stupid, wouldn’t you agree, Anna? Look at her, she’s all bones and no flesh!”

“What? Mummy won’t feed you anymore?” Another one of the guys asked, laughing as his eyes drank in her figure.

Eva knew — she’d always known— that there was something wrong with her. She just never could figure out what. Never had it occurred to her that it might be her body.

No wonder ma had left.

No wonder Logan couldn’t stand to look at her.

“I’m not picky,” the third guy said, shrugging as his plain brown eyes landed on her in a way that made Eva’s skin crawl nastily. “I’d do her; I don’t mind cardboards every once in a while.”

All of them began guffawing, finding whatever he said hilarious though Eva didn’t understand a word except for ‘I’m not picky’.

Anna snatched away the lunch bag in Eva’s hands. Eva didn’t fight back. She knew she wasn’t supposed to; they were doing this to punish her.

Because she upset them… though she couldn’t understand how and when.

Maybe they hadn’t liked her looking at them, even though she had only been staring at Jessalyn.

“You brought food?” Anna scoffed at her before looking at Riley. “I wouldn’t have believed she actually consumes food had I not seen this.” She waved the paper bag in the air. “We could use her as a gym mat for heaven’s sake!”

“I don’t know,” the brown eyed guy murmured, his eyes still on Eva. “I haven’t check out the rear end yet. Is she flat there too?”

Riley smiled coldly before turning around and walking away. “I’m heading to the canteen, use up whatever is left of lunch.”

“What about her?” Anna called after Riley’s retreating back.

“The lamb’s not going anywhere,” she shouted back confidently, “she’s going to be attending this school for the rest of this year, isn’t she?”

Jessalyn and the guys began heading towards the canteen too. Anna shook the bag containing Eva’s lunch in front of her. “I’m taking this with me,” she declared, “seems like you can do without the food; you’re already on your way to dying of starvation anyway.”

And then she too followed her little group in the direction of the canteen.

Eva stared longingly at the shattered promise of a delicious lunch as Anna took it along with her.

She closed her eyes and leant her back on the door of her locker. She was so, so stupid. Always messing up and angering people.

At least she was smart enough to not fight back; it was one good thing she learnt from her mother. She’d always noticed how ma took pa’s beatings and Logan’s too without complain. Because if you did something wrong, you deserved to get punished for it.

That was how things worked. And just like at home, she knew she wasn’t supposed to talk about her mistakes. I’ll never tell.

So, she pushed herself off her locker, tucked her hair behind her ear and began walking towards whichever class she had next.

The events that had taken place just a few minutes ago were locked away in her heart and mind, known only to her. A secret that was hers alone to keep.

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Written on; 28th April 2017

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Stay blessed. And always take a stand against bullying.

Xoxo