Chapter 41: 40 • The Cycle Of Abuse

LAST CHAPTER. + ⚠ TRIGGER WARNING. end of this chapter has pretty graphic violence.

“Lily’s teacher called,” Eva told Vincent that night as she watched him get ready for bed.

His posture seemed to freeze before he slowly turned around to look at Eva. “Who?” he asked, a slight sneer on his lips. “Her favourite Mr Walker?”

Eva stamped down on the brewing fear and reminded herself that this wasn’t about protecting her from Vincent’s possible rage – this was about their child, their little girl.

“Yes,” she said, “Mr Walker.” Maybe if she was careful and didn’t refer to him as Terrence, this conversation would go a lot smoother.

Vincent’s jaw clenched and he tossed his phone onto the bedside table, the force of his gesture making Eva jump. “Why is the bastard calling you?”

Eva closed her eyes and inhaled. “Vince, it’s not like that. He’s worried about Lily.”

Her husband just snorted and shook his head, moving to sit down on the bed. “Is that his excuse now? His sudden concern for my daughter?”

“I’m worried too,” Eva said, swallowing but needing to go ahead with this topic, “she’s been getting into brawls with the other kids.”

“Children fight all the time, you silly woman,” Vincent snapped. “How does your friend not know that? What kind of qualifications does he even have?”

“It’s not about the fights, Vince!” Eva’s temper was rising, growing annoyed with her husband’s lack of interest. “It’s about why Lily’s picking these fights with other kids. She thinks bullying them will get her what she wants.”

“Well, does it?” Vincent raised a brow. “Does it get what she wants? Why are you so worried about it? Let the child be. And tell your friend to take his nose out of my kid’s life.”

“Our kid,” Eva reminded determinedly, “not just yours. And it is Te– Mr Walker’s business if our child is having unhealthy ideas. He’s her teacher. It’s his job!”

“Don’t you dare defend him!” Vincent snarled, rising up from the bed and taking large strides towards her. Eva hurried backwards on instinct, and felt her back hit the wall. Vincent reached her in no time, his hands curling around her arms and digging into her flesh. “You’re my wife, don’t forget that.”

“I’m not defending him, Vince,” Eva said in a shaky voice, “I’m not – I’m just… I’m just really worried about our girl. Please understand. You love her, don’t you?”

“Don’t question my love for her,” he hissed, eyes narrowing into slits at Eva. “I’m the one with a job, with a proper qualification. I’m the one providing her a roof over her head and food on the table. I’m the one giving her an education and putting clothes on her back. I’m the one who’s doing anything for her at all.” His fingers gripped Eva’s chin and yanked her face upwards to meet the dangerous glint in his eyes. “What are you, Evelyn?” His fingers slid down and made their way around her neck, squeezing unapologetically. “If I ever hear you bring that bastard up one more time,” he muttered as he moved his mouth to Eva’s ear, “I will drop your sorry ass on the streets. And you can forget about seeing Lillian ever again.”

Vincent pulled back, releasing her arm and her throat as he stepped away. His dark eyes were still on Eva, but there was a smugness in his expression. “Are we clear, love?”

Her hands trembled, her knees shook. But she nodded jerkily. “Yeah,” she told him hoarsely. “I understand.”

A sudden sigh left Vincent’s mouth and he moved closer to Eva, taking her face in his hands and rubbing his thumbs against her cheeks. “You know how it was when your mother left you, don’t you?” He offered her a small, pitying smile. “Don’t do the same thing to our child, Evelyn. Don’t do something that’ll make me take her away. If she grows up thinking you abandoned her –”

“I won’t, I won’t, I won’t!” Eva shook her head frantically, her shoulders shaking while tears slipped down her cheeks at the horrifying thought. “I swear, Vince, I swear. Please. I can’t bear her having to live without a mother. Please don’t do that.”

“Oh, baby,” Vincent sighed, brushing away her tears. “I wouldn’t be doing anything – it’s all up to you, isn’t it?” He kissed her salty cheeks. “You can only be a good mother if you are a good wife, Evelyn. So be a good wife, okay?”

Eva took a deep breath and nodded, “I will.” She brought her hands up and wiped her cheeks. “I will, Vince.”

-

Had Caroline been given the same choice by Logan? Had she been threatened with taking Eva away? Had she chosen to leave because she’d thought that her leaving by her own will was easier to deal with than her daughter being taken away by force? Maybe Caroline had believed that Logan would be kinder to Eva if she was left with him, rather than him taking her away and then using her to teach Caroline a lesson.

Eva sucked in a breath and then let it out in a shudder. She glanced at Vincent’s sleeping figure, and pulled her knees to her chest from where she sat on the floor, her back against the wall. She was tired of always wondering about her mother. It didn’t matter what had been running through her mother’s head – because Eva was never abandoning Lillian.

She would never allow her daughter to go through what she herself had when Care had left her behind for Logan to deal with.

Eva always came back to her mother, to Caroline Monroe.

She couldn’t believe how different their lives would’ve turned out if her mother had just accepted Benjie’s help. If her mother had just said different words to the cops when they showed up at her door. If her mother had just asked for help, rather than run from it.

But Eva also understood. It wasn’t black and white. Asking for help wasn’t easy, especially when trust was non-existent in her part of the world. Once upon a time, she’d thought Vincent was saving her – look how that turned out. Her faith in him had been his biggest weapon, and Vincent had used it to his complete advantage. Had it been like that for Caroline too? Had Logan once looked like a saviour in comparison to Tristan? When did someone learn who wanted to help and who wanted to destroy? Where was the difference?

Eva shut her eyes and allowed the back of her head to touch the wall. This wasn’t the place for Lillian anymore – that much she knew. But how did she get away with her child?

Vincent had been right – Eva had no education, no job, no place to call home other than this one. How was she going to take care of her child, let alone herself? And who was to say Vincent wouldn’t find her? If he did, life would become unbearable for Eva. And she wouldn’t put it past him to take his rage out on Lillian too.

Could she ask Terrence for help? But how? Didn’t he say he had a partner now? He had a life of his own, didn’t he? Could Eva invade that? Could she ask a friend from ten years back to make some room in his newly built life for someone as damaged as her? And her child too? And even if he did do it – for how long would it go on? Eva couldn’t stay there forever. And Terrence would be the first place Vincent would go looking for Eva and Lillian in.

And Benjie… Eva’s eyes pricked at the thought of the old man. Benjie was probably dead by now. He’d have known what to do. He was always so wise, so sure. He would have known to–

Eva’s eyes flew open and she jolted away from the wall, her back straightening up as something he’d told her the last time they had seen each other dawned in her mind.

It was terrifying, of course – and beyond. She didn’t know how far Vincent’s anger would take him – because it was his anger that she needed for this to work. There was a chance she might not make it out, but even if she didn’t, it still guaranteed Lillian being away from Vincent. It still meant that Lillian would be safe.

And did Lillian’s safety mean more to Eva than her own life?

The answer was yes. Yes, it did.

But she didn’t want Lillian to be around when hell broke loose – Eva needed to get Lillian away for a while first.

-

When Friday afternoon rolled around, Eva’s hand was clenched around her phone. She was shaking all over, little tremors passing through her body over and over again.

Would this even work? Would she even have it in her to do what she needed to at the end? It was what happened at the end that mattered after all. Eva knew this would take a lot of strength – but she’d been weak her whole life. What was strength supposed to be even?

Her eyes fell on a picture of one month old Lillian on the dresser, and an eerie sense of calm washed over her. Maybe this was how she could be strong – maybe all it took was hanging onto the memory of holding her baby girl in her arms for the very first time in that hospital room. Maybe love didn’t always mean pain. Maybe sometimes there was a unique kind of strength in love too.

She counted to three in her head, and then dialled the number.

“Eva?” Terrence’s surprised voice asked from the other end of the line. Eva had saved his number from when he’d called to voice his worries over Lillian’s disruptive behaviour in class.

“Terrence,” Eva said, swallowing audibly. She seemed to find another kind of strength in hearing his voice too – something she hadn’t expected. It felt nice. “Terrence, I, uh… I need a favour.”

“Of course,” he was quick to say, “anything. What is it?”

You could back out now, a voice in Eva’s head told her. Back out and just stay here. Stay with Vincent. Stay with Lillian.

She tried to push the voice away. She tried to remember Lillian tasting ice-cream for the first time.

“I need… Vince is at work and I – I have something to do,” she added the last part hesitantly, wondering if she was a good enough liar. Eva’s breathing grew faster, more erratic. She tried to remember Lillian watching her bake cookies with that wide-eyed, fascinated gaze. “So I was wondering if maybe you could, I don’t know, take her with you?”

Eva’s free hand came to rest on her face as she subconsciously covered her eyes in nervousness and shame. “I’m sorry,” she said in haste, “it’s just – I don’t know anyone else over here that much. I’d rather someone I know quite well watch over my kid for the evening.”

For a while, Terrence didn’t say anything. And then he began to speak, “Eva –”

“And I know this is probably not appropriate,” Eva hurried to tell him, “I know you’re her teacher and that you probably can’t just take her home with you, Terrence, but I…” She paused to catch her breath, to compose herself and collect her words better. She kept rushing, kept running her mouth like the world was going to end any minute now. “I’m so sorry, Terrence. But I really, really need this right now. Can you – can you do this one last thing for me? Just this one favour.”

“Eva,” Terrence’s steady, clear voice floated into her ears. “Stop worrying. I’ll take Lily with me, and just… just take your time in doing whatever it is you need to. I’ll find a way to keep the kid occupied – don’t rush.”

Relief crashed through Eva, so enormous and profound that she thought she’d drop to the floor with joy. “Terrence, thank you,” she said it from the bottom of her heart. “Thank you so much. This means a lot – I’ll never forget it.”

“There’s one way you can repay me though,” he told her, and Eva could swear she was detecting a smile in his voice.

“Anything,” she told him, “I’m so grateful. Anything you want –”

“What I want is for you to stop treating this as a big deal,” he cut her off, that smile still lingering in the manner of his speech. “Because it’s just a simple favour, Eva. People normally ask their friends to watch over their kids – it’s normal. You’re not asking me to cut off a limb, okay?” He chuckled, the sound oddly comforting to her in a time like this. Eva needed all the comfort she could get. “And, also, this doesn’t have to be the one last thing I help you with. I told you before, and I’m saying it again – I’m here if you need me.”

“I know,” she whispered in gratitude and a sense of peace she hadn’t felt in a long, long while. “You’re a great friend, Terrence.” Because truth was, Eva did need him right now – more than she ever had her entire life. And he’d actually come through for her. “Tell my baby girl I love her,” Eva said in a thick voice, her vision blurring. She blinked, and a tear trickled down her cheek. “Tell Lily that I had to go do something for her. That I’m not just leaving her behind. Just – please just tell her I love her.”

“I will, Eva,” Terrence didn’t sound like he was smiling anymore, “Eva, is something wrong?”

Eva smiled through her tears, and shook her head to herself. “No, Terrence,” she told him softly, “I’m okay.” Because for the first time, things were working in Eva’s favour. For the first time, nothing felt wrong. She had succeeded in getting Lillian out of the picture – and that was the point of everything.

“Okay,” he murmured. “I’ll pass the message to Lily. And you can tell her how much you love her all over again when you see her.”

If I see her, Eva thought sadly. “Yeah,” she said, “thanks, Terrence.”

-

Eva was no stranger to pain – but there was something so final about it when Vincent walked through the front door that evening.

“Honey, I’m home,” he called out and Eva heard the familiar jingle of the car keys as he tossed them on the coffee table in the hall.

Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. The words had become her mantra now, replacing the poisonous old I’ll never tell.

Eva found the framed photograph of Lillian’s first day at school on the windowsill by the kitchen sink – pigtails hanging down the sides of her face, held up by pretty blue ribbons, and a smile with missing teeth that warmed Eva’s aching heart.

She stared at the picture a heartbeat longer, committed it to memory, and then headed towards the hall.

“Hey,” she greeted, forcing a smile onto her face. “How was work?”

“Great,” Vince grinned – and Eva’s stomach dropped. She’d have preferred if he had come home in a rotten mood. It’d have been easier to provoke him then.

Everything will be okay. She curled her fingers into her palm and shook the worry off. She’d just have to find a way to get on his nerves.

“Where’s Lily?”

“Asleep,” she responded easily. Eva had intended to lie about where Lillian was. She’d need Vincent to be home for the aftermath – but if he learnt that their child wasn’t at home, he’d have driven out to go and get her. Lillian couldn’t be here, not for a while.

“Asleep?” Vincent asked, confused, as he undid his shoelaces and rolled off his socks. His posture, his movements, all of them reminded Eva so much of their daughter whenever she came back from school. Vincent and Lillian were so alike – and not just in appearance. It was sad, but it also drove Eva to do whatever was necessary.

“Yeah,” she muttered. “I think she’s feeling a little unwell. She couldn’t even come back by school bus.” That last bit rolled off Eva’s tongue naturally – the words forming in her head as she went on with the lie.

It seemed to do the trick though – because it caught Vincent’s attention.

“How did she come back home then?”

“Terrence drove her back,” Eva shrugged, looking at her fingers as she said it. Maybe the lies would sound more convincing if she didn’t have to look him in the eye.

There was a bang and Vincent stood up abruptly from the couch. “Are you serious right now?” he wasn’t raising his voice, not yet, but Eva could hear the building anger. “When is that man going to get the hell out of our lives?”

“Is that really your concern, Vince?” Eva sounded genuinely sad despite the lie – was the father of her child too obsessed with the idea of another man’s presence in their lives that he would ignore his daughter’s wellbeing? “I just told you our child is sick.”

“Is she?” He laughed darkly. “Or was it just a plan of your old boyfriend to come see you again?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Eva muttered, clenching her fists tighter. “And I don’t think you’re acting like a proper father.” That was it. That was it. Undermining his role in their lives would really get under his skin. Eva was doing it right.

And then it came. She’d been expecting some sort of reaction, of course, but she still didn’t see it coming – the swift and sharp swing of his arm that fell against her face and sent her stumbling back.

At first, there was nothing – and then it started, the slow spread of a stinging sensation from her jaw to her cheeks to her temple.

“Don’t tell me whether I’m a good enough father or not,” he told her in a warning tone, and Eva knew he meant every single word right then. “You have no right to speak to me that way.”

“I’m her mother,” Eva spoke up, ignoring the pain. “Lily is my kid too. And I don’t think you’re doing what’s right for her.”

At this, Vincent only laughed. “You? You’re telling me what’s right for her?” He took slow steps towards Eva. “Who do you think you are? Your own mother left you behind because of how much you disgusted her, you vile piece of garbage.” The words pierced through Eva, and touched the sore spot that had never healed since Care’s abandonment. “Your stepfather thought you were completely useless – and he was right! I took pity on you and gave you a home. I showed you kindness, and this is how you repay me?”

“You didn’t,” Eva whispered, the realisation dawning on her with such overwhelming grief. “I – I thought you loved me and – Vince, I don’t think you’ve ever been kind to me, even when you told me how much you loved me.”

“SHUT UP!” Vincent screamed and lunged at her, grabbing her by the collar of her blouse and smashing his fist against her nose.

Eva let out a cry and bent over, pain flaring across her entire face like never before. Within seconds, she felt warm liquid trickling down her lips and chin from her nose. Tentatively touching that part of her face, and yanking her hand away with a hiss when the pain intensified, Eva looked at her fingertips to find them coated with thick, bright red.

“You dare – you dare accuse me of not being kind?” Vincent’s growl was flooding the entire room now. His voice shook with so much anger, with so much rage. Eva was so, so terrified. He sounded like he wanted to kill. “You’re nothing but a charity case for me,” he spat and then Eva felt him roughly grab her hair and yank her head back up to look at him, “my biggest mistake was feeling sorry for something like you and taking you in.” He started pulling her by the hair as he walked around the hall, forcing her feet to stumble after him as she tried to pry his fingers off.

“You see this?” He picked up a photo of them at their marriage, “I gave you my name, you ungrateful bitch. I gave you my name.” He slammed the frame down on her head, sending pieces of glass flying all around the floor. Eva watched as the photograph flew out of the cracked frame and landed near her feet. A few drops of blood slipped down her chin and landed on the photo, staining it.

“Yes,” Eva rasped, coughing as some of the blood slipped into her mouth and she choked on it. “But your name was all you gave me, Vince.” And it was true, wasn’t it? It was insane, where this bravery was coming from. Where were all the realisations dropping down on her from? And how was she crazy enough to point them out to his face?

“What did you just say?” his voice was deathly calm, but his eyes were stone cold. “That was all I gave you? That was all?” His face morphed into something truly horrendous and ugly, and then Vincent grabbed her head and slammed it into the wall next to them.

Eva’s vision darkened around the corners and she lost her footing, tripping over Vincent’s feet and crashing to the floor.

She dug her fists into the ground and tried to raise her body but Vincent’s foot slammed down on the side of her face, pressing her head into the floor.

“I should’ve let you sleep on the streets,” he spat, bringing his other foot down on her outstretched arm and putting all his weight into her wrist. “I should’ve let you rot like you deserve to!” He lifted his foot off her face and then swung it towards her stomach. The pain was so blinding, that Eva thought this was the end – she was going to die.

Eva let out a loud gasp as the ache in her abdomen intensified and tears started streaming down her face, mixing with the blood on her lips and chin.

And then Vincent crouched down next to her, the movement putting more pressure into his foot trapping her hand and Eva heard a crack in her wrist. Her entire body was in unspeakable pain, that Eva no longer knew where it ended or where it began.

“Get yourself off the damned floor, clean up, and then come to me,” Vincent hissed in her ear. “And you can try taking as long as you want, you whore – but I’ll be waiting for you in bed. We’ll see if you ever step out of line again after I’m done with you tonight.” He pulled away and stepped back, and Eva felt his foot release her broken wrist.

Eva couldn’t focus on anything but her body feeling like it was on fire from inside out – that, and the sound of Vincent walking further and further away.

“Oh, and Evelyn?” Vincent’s singsong voice floated to her from few feet away. “Don’t think of running away. Remember, Lillian is still in this house.”

Except she wasn’t – and that brought Eva an immense amount of relief.

Eva raised her head a few inches off the floor, a few shards of glass spilling from her hair as she did so, and looked around for any sign of Vincent. He’d retired to their room though, apparently waiting for her to come join him in a while.

There was no way she could bring herself to stand and walk with the way her stomach felt like it’d been ripped open. So, using the support of the undamaged arm, Eva dug her elbow into the floor, and used her legs to help push her along. She dragged her body all the way across the hall, droplets of blood spilling underneath her and getting smeared by her movements – as if leaving a trail of her pain through the house.

Eva stopped where the dining table in the kitchen was, where she’d left her phone before – and then pulled herself into a sitting position, using a leg of the table for support. Leaning her back against it, Eva raised her good arm and blindly felt around for her phone. Her fingers eventually came in contact with the device, and her heart leapt.

With trembling hands, Eva held her breath and then dialled the number.

She didn’t have to wait too long for the call to be picked up.

“911,” the operator on the other end said, “what’s your emergency?”

Eva closed her eyes, all her doubts and fears rushing into her from every which corner, engulfing her, drowning her.

What would happen to her if she did this? Where would she go? What kind of life would she be able to give Lillian?

“Hello?” the operator called out. “You’ve dialled 911, please state your emergency.”

“I,” Eva started, then suddenly stopped. She couldn’t breathe.

“Ma’am?” The operator asked, picking up on her voice. “Ma’am can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

If Eva hung up on this call, things could go back to normal. Yes, she’d have to face Vincent’s punishment tonight, and she’d have to deal with this pain and begin healing from it. But after that, if she apologised enough, he’d calm down. And things would go back to normal. Vincent was safe ground – Eva knew how to play by his rules.

But without him… Eva had no clue what to make of this world. It would just be her and Lillian. All alone. How was that a better future? How was Eva supposed to support herself and her child?

“Ma’am, are you still on the line?”

Eva couldn’t see anything – her vision was completely blurred by the endless streams of silent tears.

She could just hang up the phone – it’s what she should do. But… But Eva had made two promises, hadn’t she?

The first to her child, to Lillian. I’ll never leave you behind.

And the second to Benjie, the father she wished she’d had. Keep fighting, he had told her. I promise, she had said.

“Ma’am, are there? Please talk to me. Are you in any immediate danger?”

“I,” Eva gasped, a sob ripping through her body. She slapped her bruised hand against her lips, trying to push back the cries.

Did Eva love herself? No. No, she did not. And she didn’t how long it would take her to get there – or if she’d ever get there at all.

Did Eva love Lillian? Yes. Yes, she did. Yes, to the moon. And yes, to every single star in the galaxy.

And maybe Eva didn’t need to do this for herself right now – maybe it was enough for her to realise her love for her child was bigger than the entire universe. Maybe that was all she needed. Any reason was reason enough.

“Ma’am, please –” the operator’s words faded away to Eva’s ears. This was history repeating all over again, wasn’t it? When Benjie had once called the cops for her mother, but she had turned them away?

Was Eva going to do the same thing now? Was she going to surrender to the fear, to the doubts, to the insecurities? Would she allow herself to slip back into familiar territory – even thought it was a place filled with pain? Would she pick the life she'd always known against the possibility of something better?

Caroline Monroe had been in this same position once before, and maybe her mother before her had too. This was a cycle, wasn't it?

But maybe, just maybe, Eva could break it.

“My name is Eva,” she found herself saying in a small, frightened voice, and the entire world fell silent. “And I – I think I need some help.”

And then Eva was sobbing. She had done it.

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• The End •

Written on; 12th May 2019

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guys, i -

Omg, this book, i finally -

there's an epilogue, that's all i can say right now.

brb, too emotional