I was emotionally spent, and the wedding hasn't even been officiated yet. The heavy toll of emotions dumped on me felt like an entirely new experience I absolutely hated. Don't get me wrong, weddings were great, but what happens before a wedding was not.
Kelly had freaked out over a lot of things in twenty minutes, had a meltdown, cried, and laughed. I could never understand the emotions a bride goes through on her wedding day, but it was enough to make me not want to see more.
I didn't get the whole point of the crying part. It was a joyous occasion, one to be remembered, but neither one of these ladies had stopped crying when Kelly came out in her wedding dress. I admit, it pulled a smile on my face, but the women in the room started bawling, which made Kelly bawl too, and the poor makeup artist had to redo the makeup for the third time.
It was at that time Kelly noticed I haven't put on my dress yet. I had done my makeup, but the dress was still hung up in the closet. The other bridesmaids were wearing their dresses, looking pretty in it.
Kelly was sitting in front of the mirror. Her makeup was beautifully done and her veil was pinned to her dark hair. "Iris, why are you not wearing your dress? Is something wrong with it? Do you need it altered? I have someone for that. I could call-"
"No," I rushed to say, shaking my head. "I just finished eating, and I didn't want to stain it."
"Yes, we can't have the sister of the groom walking down the aisle with a stain on her dress," she replied, handing a list to her maid of honor, a list I was sure was the to do list I saw her writing last night. Everything needed to be checked, I remembered her saying.
I approached. "You look so beautiful, Kelly. Jason is truly lucky."
She smiled through the mirror. "We're finally going to be sisters." She seemed too happy about that. "I have always wanted a sibling."
I, on the other had, had dreamt of not having a sibling. Living through my childhood with Jason and Jesse made me wish I was an only child. Though, having a sister didn't sound all too bad. At least, sisters weren't built with the brain of a peanut. They were not messy and annoying.
The bridesmaids dresses were gorgeous. If there was one thing I was sure about Kelly, she knew my taste.
"Oh my god," Cece shrieked when she saw me in the dress, doing a dramatic inhale with a hand pressed to her chest. "You look divine!"
"You really do," Kelly added with a grin. "I knew the color was going to look good on your skin. Your mum wasn't sure, but I knew it."
"Yes, but..." I looked down at my exposed cleavage, suddenly feeling like it might be over the top. The rest of the bridesmaids weren't as exposed as I was. I frowned. "This feels like revenge." My brows shot up at Kelly.
Cece tilted her head, studying me. "Why does it matter if it's a revenge dress when you look great enough that we all hope you will find someone today?"
"Ugh, I can't believe you altered my dress hoping my cleavage would get me a boyfriend. What fresh hell did I fell into?" I drifted past her to get to the mirror, twisting my lips in a curl. "People might think I'm trying too hard."
"Don't worry," my cousin answered. "No one is going to look at you. You're not the bride."
I drilled Cece with a sharp glare, but she waved me off with a laugh. The rest of the bridesmaids were doing their hairs, and there was so much bottles spraying into the air that we were all inhaling, curling and flat irons being worked, and a loud, collective chatters and laughter.
"Oh!" Kelly's sudden exclamation had the entire suite break into action, spilling questions after questions, wondering if something had happened to the bride-if her dress had torn, if she had stained it, or if the makeup was ruined. Every other problem had the bridesmaids carrying the answers for it. It made me realized how ready they were to tackle any problem.
"What is it, honey?" Her mum, Rebecca, stepped around and absorbed the bride in every angle. Behind her, the rest of the women stared on, waiting.
Kelly picked up a small box from the dresser. "I forgot to give Jason his watch."
A collective sighed echoed in the room and everyone scattered to go back to what they were doing before. I, on the other hand, stood behind to make sure nothing else got ruined, but mostly because I wanted to stay out of these women's business.
"Give it to me," I said, coming up from behind. "I will take it to him."
Kelly grinned. "Thank you, Iris."
I nodded and walked out of the suite. I knew none of these women would ever leave the suite without finishing their makeup and hair, and I knew Kelly would be anxious until she was sure the watch had gotten to my brother.
Walking out of that noises and chemicals was a chance for freedom for me. As soon as I was out into the hallway, I felt the beautiful silence and the clean air I inhaled. It was so peaceful that I couldn't remember the last time I had ever felt like this. The morning of the wedding was the most chaotic I had ever experienced, and I was ready for it to be over.
I gave myself a couple of deep breaths before letting go. Today was my brother's wedding. I should be happy. I was happy that I could actually feel it. There should be no room for complaints, but it was so hard to deny myself the urge to find somewhere quiet. It was hard to believe there was a time when I couldn't wait to drown myself into an occasion where everyone was in the same vicinity.
Jason's suite was bursting from the same noise I had escaped from. The door was slightly ajar, so I was glad I didn't need to wait out here wondering when they would quiet down so I could knock. I pushed through the door, taking a step inside. The step I took caught my heel on the hem of my dress, squealing when I went forward. Someone caught me before I could fall, a hand wounding around my waist to steady me.
I was in his arm. He was still holding me. My eyes drew up to his face, and he was wearing a tux. Jesse never wore a tux unless he absolutely had to. The only time I had seen him wear one was during his prom night. He was wearing a tux now, which fitted his frame. His hair was a little tamed and his eyes looked bright. His face was glowing, and all the angles were sharp and prominent.
He gave me a once over, starting from my curled hair and makeup to my dress. I could swear a muscle pulled on his face when his eyes reached my cleavage. I took in a deep breath to resist crossing my arms over my chest.
Someone behind cleared a throat. It made Jesse stumbled, pushing me away or rather, we were pushing each other off one another. He suddenly shoved his hands into his pockets and stepped aside.
Jason stared at us with a grin curled to his lips. "Do you two need us to leave the room?"
It was probably a joke, but it hit a nerve. I threw the box at him as he caught it effortlessly. "Kelly wanted me to give you the watch. I'm guessing it must have slipped through your peanut brain to get it before the wedding."
My brother rolled his eyes as he opened the box to retrieve the watch, handing the empty box to Jesse to hold. "I thought Jesse had the watch. It was his responsibility to get the watch before the wedding."
"Not really," Jesse returned with a snort, playing with the box. "You thought you lost the watch and were too much of a chicken to call and ask."
Jason looked up. "Bro, I couldn't call Kelly and tell her I had lost the watch. She would bury me alive for ruining our day."
"I think that's why she kept the watch with her because she knows you're careless with things," I pointed out. "I still can't believe she's not running away from the wedding."
"There's still time," Jesse mused. I laughed.
The footsteps that came from the living room alerted us that Jason's friends were walking over here. Jesse immediately pulled his hands from his pockets and edged closer to me, prying my hand off the door to intertwine his fingers through mine. My heart literally collapsed when he spent an awful long seconds staring into my eyes before leading me away from the door down a corridor and into an empty bedroom.
He didn't close the door, but left it slightly open so we could hear Jason talking to his friends. I stood in the middle of the room, nervous, and out of my mind.
"Your dress sucks," he noted from where he stood, pouring himself a glass of whatever was in his drink. His annoyed tone fit perfectly with the scowl forming around his eyes. He stared back at me-at my dress and the exposed cleavage, gritting his teeth. I saw his restraint, trying not to burst into a series of curses. He swallowed and looked away.
"Yeah," I replied, staring at his back. "I know what I look like. Too bad there's nothing I can do about it. The wedding is in less than an hour and I can't fix it."
"You can change out of it," he threw back instantly. Jesse took a long moment before turning his attention back on me. "Right?" His expression was all seriousness, and his breathing was deep as he waited for my response.
I rolled my eyes and stepped up to him, stealing the glass in his hand and downing the drink before he could protest. The drink was so strong I had to scrunch my face for a second. I slipped the glass back into his hand.
"I'm a bridesmaid, Jesse. I can't change out of the dress. Kelly is going to feel bad."
He held the bridge of his nose. "Has she seen you?"
"I literally just finished talking to her. Why does it matter, anyway? I could wear a coat or a jacket-" I sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "If I came with any. Stop staring."
"As long as you're comfortable in that," he added, turning away with a shake of his head. "Don't want you doing anything you're not comfortable with."
Giddy tingles spread over my body when I thought he was probably uncomfortable with other people seeing me dressed like this. I tried not to dwell on it because I didn't want to face the reason why it got me excited. And yet, my toes curled at the thought of kissing him again, but I knew it couldn't happen again.
I tried to play it cool, ignore the rising tension and the way he was staring at me. "Did you know? That they're hoping I find a boyfriend here." I laughed. Funny as it was, it was still irritating.
Jesse stilled. He remained so quiet that I was starting to get worried if he had died standing. When I made up my mind to get up and make sure this man didn't die on me, he turned around in a flash. He dropped the glass on the counter. There was a full scowl on his face.
"Have you practiced your steps?" he asked out of nowhere. "I don't want you to step on me. These are brand new limited shoes." He pointed his polished black shoes. I didn't have time to admire them when he strode to the edge of the bed and took my hand. For the second time in ten minutes, he's taken my hand. Jesse pulled me into the middle of the room and drew me close. He wound my arms around his shoulders and rested his hands on my hips.
"What are you doing?" I breathed. My head was already spinning.
"I have to make sure you don't fuck it up," he said right back, swaying to an invisible beat.
"Jesse."
"Just follow my lead and keep swaying. Watch the moment I make a move, then follow suit." He took a step back, I followed. Jesse brought his other hand up to cup my cheek and moved in closer. His hand slid around the back of my neck, and his thumb grazed my ear. My breathing became shallow as his body pressed gently against mine. "We should have done this a long time ago."
"Dancing is intimate." My assessment was dead-on. I knew it, and so did he.
He looked right into my eyes and said, "And intimacy scares you." To prove himself right, he twirled me around and pulled me back into his chest, his hand dangerously close to my ass. My heart sped up. A smile curved his lip before letting words slide off his tongue. "We're doing good, huh? You're not stepping on any of my toes."
His eyes were concentrated on my lips as his face inched closer. Jesse was barely an inch from my lips, but I could still taste him. It was crazy because the last time we kissed was over two months ago.
"I won't give you the satisfaction of complaining," I whispered as we swayed to the nonexistent music that didn't seem to be the problem at that moment. The problem lies when my brother barged into the room and froze.
"What the fuck are you two doing?"
I sucked in a breath, trying to push Jesse away from me, but he held me tight in his arms, his gaze flitting around the room to look at his best friend.
"What does it look like to you? We are dancing." He peered down at me with another smile. Jesse rubbed my back, keeping me in the warm embrace.
My brother didn't sound surprised when he replied, "Are you sure? Because it looks like you're about to bring the building down with you. Please, try not to fuck each other. My wedding is in less than thirty minutes and I don't want my best man to come out looking like he's had sex." With a disgusting groan, I heard his retreating footsteps.
My eyes widened at what Jason said. It never occurred to me how Jesse and I must look like, but the image my brother put in my head gave me a little idea. By Jesse's staggered breathing, he seemed to think about it too. He rubbed his mouth with his tongue in thought and lets out a short laugh.
I was a little knocked off my feet. "You should let me go." I studied him for a few moments, wondering if I'd ever get around this new dynamic between us.
He nodded. "Yeah, because I have a feeling your brother will come right back, and Kelly might look for you." He inhaled a deep breath. He drew me to his chest and brushed his lips against my forehead. Then, he lets me go and walked out of the room, missing the look on my face.
When I walked out of the bedroom and found them in the living room, Jesse was talking and laughing with the groomsmen. It's like the last few moments didn't happen while I felt like my legs would not keep walking the longer I stayed on my feet. My brother saw me watching his friends and his eyebrows shot up in question. Shaking my head, I turned and left.
Vows were spoken, and rings were exchanged. I watched my mother cry when Jason and Kelly got officiated. Dad pretended as if he wasn't crying, but I saw him wipe a tear from the corner of his eyes. I watched the pure happiness on my brother's face and the love in Kelly's eyes. It was such a happy moment I had to smile to. My brother was married. It was crazy. I didn't think he was going to get married now-I had always thought he would settle down in his thirties, but I was happy he found love and got married for it.
During the reception, I watched Jesse make his speech as the best man, watching everyone laugh at their childhood memories while I stayed in my seat listening, unable to help myself feel bitter over their fond memories when all I had was the bitter memories of what I endured in their hands. I shook the thought off. I was trying to move on. The past was the past. I could never change it. This was a happy day that didn't need to be ruined over a grudge that refused to let me go.
Besides, Jesse and I were in a place where there were no cruel words or bitter feelings. We were in a place that was right between us. I wouldn't call us friends, but we were more than that. We spent years together-enemies or not, I had always thought we were beyond friendship. He was someone I have known for a long time. Now that things between us were settled, I couldn't say what this was. At the most part, we were comfortable with each other. Maybe even too comfortable.
The bride and groom had their first dance, then Kelly danced with her dad. After that, the dance floor was open for the guests. Standing where I was, the bride and groom were still dancing. My parents were dancing, and I could see my dad's eyes darting around the room as if he was looking for me. I was perfectly alright where I was. Noises filled the room. People swarmed around the buffet and I hid away behind the glasses of champagne, taking another glass each time I emptied another one.
Everyone cheered as Jason and Kelly danced a choreographed dance that made me cringed. I did not know they had planned this, and neither did the rest of the family. I could feel Jesse's eyes on me when he was forced to dance with a bridesmaid after I claimed I had an upset stomach. The woman was Brianna, one of Kelly's closest friend, and I have been seeing her eyeing him all day. She had attempted to ask about him, but Kelly had shushed her because I was in the room. He seemed to be doing fine dancing with Brianna with one arm around her waist.
I drifted away to hover near one of the walls, clinking the two glasses I held in my hands. The music that played was a little tamed, which meant it was time for another slow dance.
"I'm not sure you realized how rude it is to abandon your partner," Jesse drawled as he appeared beside me.
My face brightened. Without looking at him, I retorted, "You found a better one."
He looked ahead at the dance floor, where Brianna was still dancing, but this time with her friends. "She is a good dancer, I'll give her that," he added with an edging smile.
I took another gulp of my champagne. "Better than getting your toes stepped on." He shot me a dark look, but I smiled. "You two would make a great couple. I've noticed she has set her eyes on the prince of hell."
Grinning, Jesse slid down the wall and sat on the floor. He roughly pulled me down with him and I ended up on his lap. We were hidden behind an alcove, so no one could see us.
"Christ, Jesse." I tried to scramble off him, but his arm wound around me to lock me in place. The warm weight of his hand slid to my hip and rest there.
His voice was low now, competing with the sound of music and people. "If I'm ever dragging anyone to hell, rest assure that the woman is going to be you," he whispered in my ear, kissing my temple.
The soft kiss on the nape of my neck caught me into another breathless moment, making me sink further into the cradle of his lap. "What do you think you're doing?"
"You're hot when you're freaked out." He sucked my earlobe, his hand sliding down my neck. It felt as if it was getting cold, but his body was warm and solid against mine.
I gasped for the second time. "Jesse.." I gripped his arms tight. Not even the fear of being found out could erase my feelings inside. "Someone...someone will see."
He stilled for a second before his fingers drifted along the curve of my hip, expelling a long breath. "Let them. We are not doing anything wrong."
My blood heated as his hand came down to my hip. "You're so beautiful." His mouth scorched my skin. I gasped at the touch of his mouth on my cleavage.
Jesse's eyes lifted to mine and my heart jumped in my throat when his hand circled the back of my neck. Our foreheads were almost touching, and I wondered if he was going to kiss me, but he didn't. It frightened me to know that I wasn't pushing him away. That if he did kissed me now, I would reciprocate.
Have I been deprived of physical touch for so long that I didn't mind if it came from him?
His tongue skimmed over the flesh of my neck, and reality crashed over me. I was sitting on his lap, letting his lips and hands touch me in a room full of people.
I jumped out of his lap and scrambled to my feet. He gave me a cool gaze, or maybe there was disappointment in them. I was freaked out by how calm and accepting I had been moments ago. Being on his lap hadn't felt weird or wrong; it had felt normal. Good. Natural. It was what freaked me out the most. How normal it felt.
He peered up at me before I looked around to avoid his gaze, curling my hands into fists. I was aware of how shaky my legs were, and how my breathing was fast and erratic. A loud cheer from the guests startled me. It made me turn around and bolted.
I've never been so quick on my feet before, but as soon as I walked inside the bathroom, I slammed the door and walked up to the sink. My hands gripped the edge of the sink as my eyes lowered to the ground, trying to calm my heart back into normal. I felt like I was getting breathless by the second and I couldn't steady my heart rate.
Suddenly, the door ripped open, and I gasped, startled. Jesse walked through, slamming the door shut. He stayed by the door, his chest rising and falling like mine was. A few moments longer, he came to stand behind me, curling his fingers around my arm, ripping me away from the sink to turn me around and pressed me against it.
It took me a few tries to find my voice. "You can't be here," I croaked out.
I watched his jaw work, tensing and releasing as though he was sorting through what to say. There was nothing in his expression when he continued to stare. Slowly, he touched the tips of my fingers with his, lacing our fingers together. The edge of his thumb stroked a soft path over my knuckles.
I held still. A lump rose in my throat. His expression was steady, the breadth of his shoulders stiff.
I thought he was going to kiss me, but then I felt something in my hand. Something he had left there. I clutched it while staring down at my fist, and before I could open it, he had walked out of the bathroom. Stunned, my eyes could only stare at the door, the bathroom feeling cold.
Opening my fist, I unwrapped the familiar green note and read the words scribbled in his handwriting.
You decide what happens next. I will wait for you in my house, or you can walk away and we will pretend nothing ever happened. I will respect your choice.
After I finished reading, I balled my hand into a fist, turning around to stare at myself in the mirror while gripping the sink.
He gave me a decision. A choice. I could go to him and completely disregard all that happened in the past, or I could walk away and pretend he didn't kiss me and tried doing it again. I had to force my body to relax and decide what was best for me.
No matter what I choose, it won't satisfy me. I knew it wouldn't matter what life I lived; somehow, I'd always find myself in front of him.
Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I needed to get out of here. It took too long to step out of the bathroom and find my way back to the reception hall. The party was still going on, and I stare on, feeling a sinking hole in my chest and stomach. I looked at the happy faces while my face remained grim. The taste in my mouth was bitter, and I realized I couldn't stand being here for more than ten seconds. Watching my brother and his wife dance to a slow song, I felt an emptiness inside me. A longing I didn't know I had.
Every face in the room was happy, and I seemed to locate where my happiness was. I have felt it before, but I have never felt that kind of happiness that made my face glow. Would I ever feel that? Happiness? Connection? Attraction? Would I have a connection with someone like my parents, or my brother with his wife?
The answer was no. As long as I didn't allow myself to let go of all the resentment I felt inside, the anger and the insecurities, I would never allow myself to be happy. As long as I continued to restrain myself and put a wall, I would not be as happy as my parents and the married couple. It was not about what I thought was right. It was about doing what made me happy.
Cece saw me and her face lit up. She raised her hand and waved at me to come over, but I didn't. I turned around and left.