It never bothered me in the past when people came into my life and left. Everyone had always admired my ability to walk out on everything and cut off relationships as soon as things got serious. I've had a few people during high school and college years, but none that survived. Partly because I didn't allow anyone to get close enough.
I had always been like that. Always shied away from things I knew could hurt me and I never allowed myself to feel hurt. Everyone that I met, I thought they would hurt me. I was a distrustful person who had her guard up with everyone. I was the woman who walked away before anyone could walk away from me. In college, I tried to be different, tried to give myself a chance with someone, but that blew up too. I grew up in a home where I had to look out for myself and only had my best interest. I've always blamed my parents for how I turned up. They knew that too, but the conversation had never been brought up before. It was something that have been between us for years, like a taboo that had never been spoken of but existed.
The loud ringing of my phone woke me from sleep, but I didn't wake up in bed. I woke up in the living room, my computer dead on the coffee table and a stiff neck from sleeping on the floor. I didn't remember when I had fallen asleep, but last night had been exhausting. Work had pushed me to exhaust myself, but I didn't mind. Being able to drown myself in something else prevented me from wallowing in self pity.
The phone rang again. The phone....
I crawled and picked it up from underneath the table. I answered without looking. "Morning." I thought it would be mum because she had been pestering me lately, giving me her unwanted attention that I couldn't decide if it was guilt or something else.
But it wasn't a female voice, but a male. "It's afternoon," Jason pointed out in amusement.
I groaned. "Are you sure? It feels like morning. But then, it also feels like it's night. I have slept for long, so why do I still feel exhausted?"
"You've been overworking yourself lately, Iris. Have you considered taking a break?"
"Can't," I moaned, resting my arm on my eyes to cover the harsh sunlight that streamed from the window. "I have a showcase in three weeks and I need to update my portfolio, and release the photos I've worked on for my website. Why are you calling? Everything ok?"
"Uh, yeah." My brother cleared his throat, which told me there was something he was hesitating to say, and I opened my eyes to stare at the ceiling. "Listen, remember when we planned for the weekend getaway to Kelly's family cabin?"
"Yes?"
A nervous laughter escaped him. "And do you remember when I told you that there would only be four of us-you, me, Kelly and Cece?" He took a second before he continued, "And how Jesse said he wasn't coming? Turns out he's changed his mind."
My entire world screeched to a halt. "Say what?" I scrambled to sit, all the sleep in my eyes suddenly gone.
"Yeah, he's coming with us."
My heart tried its best not to pound its way out of my chest. Part of me wanted to laugh and smile, but the other wanted to crush that happiness. Why did Jesse decide to go? It's been two weeks since he pushed me away and I haven't seen him after that day. He avoided me like the plague, never being in the same room with me. Even when we had been fighting, it had never escalated into this.
My back teeth clenched. "Does he know I'm coming?"
"Pretty much."
"Then, why does he want to come? I thought he's doing his best to stay away from me. I thought he wanted nothing to do with me?" I was frantic, worried, and excited that I couldn't decide which one to settle with. But I was mostly afraid and excited, and I couldn't believe Jesse was coming to the cabin with us.
"Whoa, he's just coming to the cabin, Iris. I never said anything about him wanting you back." He laughed, but it was tight with confusion. "I guess it's because he doesn't care anymore."
I tried not to let his words get to me. If I did, then I would crumble. I would back out and eventually lose my chances with him again. I knew after what I did and the pain I caused him would warrant me to grovel. My dad always says to never be ashamed of apologizing when you're at wrong.
"And you've just decided to tell me today?" I retorted, rubbing the back of my neck. My head throbbed. A few moments ago, it hadn't been there. The fact that my head was already going through so many scenarios caused me a giant ball of headache. I leaned my back against the couch, staring at the ceiling while I continued, "Right after I finished packing last night, Jason? When I'm supposed to leave in two hours? When did you know about it?"
His answer came abrupt, strung with hesitation. "Uh...."
I tried not to grit my teeth. "Goddammit, Jason. You could've given me a heads up!"
"I did, just now," he remarked, sighing expansively. "And I knew if I told you, you'd make a shitty excuse not to come."
"And who told you I wouldn't have come if you had told me earlier? At least, I would have been prepared. I could have bought a new lingerie-"
"Jesus fucking Christ," my brother cuts in with a groan as if he was physically in pain. "and here I thought it would scare you off and not motivate you to buy- I can't even say it. I don't even want to picture it. I'm glad this hasn't affected you."
I laughed, enjoying the small torment he was in. "It did the opposite actually," I admitted shamelessly. I wasn't trying to hide my feelings for Jesse. When I hated him, I made sure everyone felt it, so when I liked him, I intend to make sure everyone felt it too.
"What are you going to do?"
"What did Jesse do when I hated him?" He was relentless in his torment, refusing to budge. He was in my space every chance he got. I used to think it was because he enjoyed tormenting me. I didn't think he did it because he couldn't keep himself away from me.
"Oh, hell. You will not ruin my best friend's weekend."
"You have to expect it."
"Iris....." Jason trailed off, giving himself a moment before he added, "Don't push him, okay? It was fine before because he wanted to be near you. This time, he won't enjoy it. Don't push him over the edge, or he will become merciless."
He hits me, right where I was most tender.
My heart thudded, hard. "It's literally what I've done all my life, so there's nothing new," I countered, despite the fear I welcomed. Yes, I knew how he felt and all my encounters with him had been amusing on his part. He's always had a smile even when he was annoyed. This time would be different, though. I should expect some changes and yet, I knew no matter what, his feelings for me didn't change.
He was disappointed when he left me in my old bedroom. He seemed more affected when our letters turned into ashes, which meant he still cared. He still cared, but he would rather hurt me back. It's exactly what I did. I hurt when I hurt him.
"Have you missed the part where I said he enjoyed it and won't now?"
I was silent for a second. "Jason, you know I love you, right?"
"It's been up for debate for years," he replied with a chuckle. "But yeah, whatever. What dirty little thing is going through your mind? I'm not kidnapping or hurting anyone."
"Help me with Jesse," I stated pleadingly. "I can do the rest, but I'd need a hand. You were the one who said you're tired of us hurting each other and we need a break from all the crap we put each other through."
"You're serious about this."
"Yes."
"I don't know, Iris. Maybe what's best is for you to go your separate ways? I don't want you to end up getting hurt when your plan doesn't work."
His words fall over me like hot coal, burning right through my skin. "It will," I persisted, despite having no real plan. The goal was to get him back and the process would be challenging. Jesse was a stubborn man. Nothing ever made him budge. Jason may be his best friend, but I knew him best. I had spent an ample amount of time analyzing him, and I understood him in some weird level. I have been the third wheel in his relationship with my family, the invisible figure in their united front of all things that didn't include me.
-
Cece wasn't kidding when she said the cabin was in a remote place. It was so far out of civilization that if we get killed, nobody would ever find our bodies. The wind rustled through the leaves, the trees creaking and groaning as they sway. The crack of a branch breaking in the distance lingered in the air. The wind pushed back my hair when I pulled my bags out of Cece's car and took in the breathtaking view. I didn't expect the cabin to be huge, and neither did Cece.
The cabin, which was made from logs of oak nestled back in the woods, overlooking a river. It was the first thing Cece almost shrieked at, and I couldn't deny being excited over it. Behind us, Jason was helping Kelly bring out their bags from their car. Cece walked up to me and hooked her arm in mine, bouncing on her tiptoes as she slid off her shades.
"I'm excited, are you?" Her voice chirped as she dragged me toward the stairs that led to the front door.
I was excited, but for a different thing. I looked back over my shoulder, but there was no sign of a third car. With a sigh, I allowed myself inside the cabin. It was cozy inside; there were couches spread around in the living room with a huge shelf of books and vinyls. Kelly said her dad loved music from the 80s, so the entire collection on the shelf were 80's music, and her mum was an avid reader. There was a fireplace and a large pile of logs at the side, and another section was the kitchen. There was a door that led to the patio.
Kelly walked in with Jason's arm wrapped around her. "Do you guys love it?"
Cece plopped down on the couch and stretched out her legs with a groan. "I think I don't want to leave," she murmured with a grin on her face
I rolled my eyes and placed the bags on the floor, turning to my sister-in-law. "Which rooms are ours? I think I need to take a quick nap."
"And what she means is she wants to get ready before Jesse comes," Jason cuts in with a knowing smile.
I rolled my eyes for the second time since I walked in. "If I meant that, I would say that," I said as a matter of fact, grabbing my bags in hand. One contained four sets of clothes and the other was a few things I couldn't leave the house without.
"There are three rooms," Kelly told me. "Jason and I will take the master, you and Cece can share a room, and Jesse will have the last room, but his room is that way." She pointed in another direction. I didn't like the sound of that.
"Okay, thanks." I had no choice but to comply. What did I want, anyway? To sleep in the same room with Jesse? That was asking too much. I knew he would rather sleep outside than share a room with me.
The room Cece and I were going to share was the most comfortable looking room I have ever seen. Everything in the room was beige and minimal, exactly how I would want my room to look like. There were two sliding doors that led to the balcony. I could see the expanse of the lake from the room.
I turned to my phone and texted my patents that we got here before lying on the bed, spreading my arms wide. Cece's loud shriek made me tilt my head to the door before she emerged from it. She gasped as she took in the bedroom.
"I love this." She touched the furnitures and ran her fingers over the sheets and the curtains. Another gasp left her mouth when she slid back the doors and peeked her head outside. "I'm so glad I didn't say no when Jason asked me to come."
"Is it really okay for you to be out here? What if one of your patients need you?"
She waved me her phone. "I will be available on phone for anyone who needs me." Cece shut the doors. She placed her bag on the bed. "I have something excited to show you, Iris." She zipped her bag and flashed me a small Ziploc bag.
"Weed? You brought weed?"
"It won't be a good weekend without getting high." She shook the plastic bag in hand. "And you never know if it might come in handy with Jesse." She tapped my toes with a suggestive, sly grin.
"I'm not smoking weed."
"That's a shame. Your confidence level is zero and if you want to get him back, you can't do it unless you're high."
"I think I'm fine." Even as tempting as it was, I was not about to get high.
She seemed amused by my response and bounced on the bed, ditching the bag of weed somewhere around the bed. "So tell me if you have a plan," she probed.
"No." I shook my head, readjusting my position so I was looking directly into her eyes. "Tell me if he's talked about me. I know you two are very close, Cece. Has he ever spoken about me?" Sweat almost broke out across my brow when she nodded.
"It's totally illegal to talk about your clients, but yes, he's talked to me. Not as a friend, though."
Her revelation had me shooting my brows so high I thought they would escape into my hair. "Are you serious?" Jesse went for professional help? I mean, there were a lot of things he would have done that I wouldn't bat an eyelash on, but he sought therapy? That seemed almost too good to be true. The man I knew would rather drown in his own sorrow than confide a shrink. I had no idea what his personal vendetta against therapists were, but he sought my cousin's help and broke his beliefs.
Why?
"Is he going through something? Is it his parents? Are they getting a divorce?"
"You know I can't tell you."
Shit. I knew that, but I couldn't stop the feeling that something terrible must have happened for him to seek a therapist. But if something had happened, the first to know about it would be Jason. If my brother knew about it, would he tell me? I couldn't be sure. If Cece was hesitating to tell me, I doubt my brother would share.
I can't take my mind off this.
I scratched my head in frustration, falling back on my pillow. "What can you tell me?"
"As a therapist, I can't tell you anything," Cece stated, and I rolled my eyes as if she didn't already say that. Yet, she surprised me with her next words. "As your cousin and someone who cares about your happiness, I will tell you one thing."
This made me spring up. It's like a detonation had been clicked and I snapped into action; curling my legs, hands fumbling, and eyes a fraction wide open with eagerness. It made my cousin laugh, the sound resonating off the walls, but I didn't care.
Cece wiped a tear from under her eyes and steadied herself on the bed. "I don't think anyone knows this, but Jesse has been dealing with something for years now. I doubt even Jason knows."
"Then how did you know?"
"It was an accident." She inhaled and rubbed the back of her neck to soothe it. "I have a friend who used to be Jesse's therapist, and I stumbled into their session one day. That's how I know he's been seeing one for years."
Years? It knocked me off entirely. I couldn't even grasp it. "How many years are we talking about?" I asked.
"Teenage years."
I took a deep, heavy inhale of breath. "That long?" How did I not know? How did Jason not know that his best friend have been seeing a therapist for probably a decade?
How could this have slipped past us?
Because he's good at hiding. He's good at pretense, hiding the truth, and his feelings. He's good at them, so I was not surprised that he had been able to keep this a secret for that long.
"What for?" The words came out in a whisper.
"Abandonment issues."
I sucked a long, hard breath that nearly suffocated me. Cece regarded me with a brush of her brow while I struggled to maintain some calmness. I was confused, trying to put the pieces together. "But....he's.." I caught the words that roped me into silence. I gripped my hair and slid my fingers through it, feeling as my arms lay limp at my side. "Why would he?"
My eyes pried open.
She nodded.
"But he's never shown that-"
"He's good at hiding," she cuts me off, repeating the same words that crossed my mind a few moments ago.
"His parents..." I trailed off, fighting nausea. "And me."
"Recently, yes."
I was fighting off the pain that attacked me. "But his parents didn't abandon him," I pointed out. In fact, Jesse had been excited to live with us. There's never been a day where he had shown any signs of sadness. He had been surrounded by Jason, my parents, and his school activities.
"Iris, they left," she retorted. "Sometimes, the difference doesn't matter, but what he knows is his parents left him for a long time and that did him some damage."
"But he looked so happy with us."
"Don't judge a book by the cover, remember? Jesse dealt with it the best way he could. I guess he didn't want to show it." She sighed next. "And then, you triggered it again."
Oh, god.
Oh, no.
"When I left," I completed, fighting a wave of panic, pain, and nausea. My heart sank to my stomach, and the ugly feeling coursed down my arms and legs, making me want to scream. "I made it worse, didn't I?" As I stared at her, I tried to look for comfort but found none.
"You kind of did."
It was hard to catch my breath.
"Hey, guys." Jason's voice came through the door with a knock. "Kelly and I are trying to make plans for tonight and tomorrow. You might want to come out now."
Cece stared back at me before patting my thigh and slipping out of the bed.
"Don't think too much about it," she told me as she head for the door. "Let's go."
I wasn't sure I wanted to go out there, but I had to. I dragged myself out of bed and followed Cece out of the bedroom.
Jason and Kelly were cuddling on the couch when we found them, holding two mugs that curled around their fingers, smoke hovering over the rim. They had already started the fire and the living room felt warmer than before.
"Where is our own mug?" said Cece as she trudged to the kitchen. Things that we bought were yet to be brought out of the bags.
I plopped down on the other couch, curling my legs.
Jason looked behind him when he heard Cece shuffling around the kitchen and a grin came over his face. "I made the coffee for my wife. If you want a mug, you better make one for yourself." He chuckled.
Cece shot back with, "And these stuff aren't going to bring themselves out of the bags. Good luck with that, and the cooking tonight." She walked out of the kitchen with a smirk and sat next to me.
"I did not even count on you to cook anyway, Ms. private chef," he mocked.
"If you're jealous that I have a chef, just say it, Jason. I can afford to pay one for you."
"No, thank you. Kelly likes to cook."
"Or you want her to cook." She looked directly at his wife. "Kelly, I swear to god, if you don't want to cook, then don't. You are not obligated to cook for your husband."
Jason snorted and looked back at his wife. "Cece's husband doesn't allow her to enter the kitchen ever since he learned she burned her parent's kitchen when she was in college."
Kelly gasped. She covered her mouth and laughed. "Oh, my god."
Cece flipped him off.
I threw my head back and groaned, feeling like melting into a puddle. "Can we do what we are here for? I want to go back and take a nap."
"Always a joy, sis," Jason remarked knowingly.
I flipped him off, too.
It was Kelly who stated, "What do you want to do tonight? There's a jacuzzi out in the back we could use tonight. Tomorrow, we can go outside and explore. There's a lake with a gorgeous view. Iris, I know you brought your camera, so you can take some beautiful shots. How does that sound?"
"Great," I murmured with disinterest, then tuned them out.
--
A rough wind raked through my scalp and tossed the leaves that had fallen along the trail, turning it into a mess. The air felt a lot more dry and smelled like wildflowers, the wind chasing after me through the rustles of the trees. I could hear squirrels scrambling around tree trunks, so I turned on my camera hoping to get a shot. I was relieved that when I decided to take a walk, I didn't leave my camera behind.
I bounced pebbles along my path as leaves crunched under my boot. Each time I hear a sound, I quickly spun around with my camera, hoping to get a good shot of something, but it's only the branches creaking in the wind. It took me a while before I realized I had gone deeper than I intended to, so I turned around to go back before sunset.
When I slipped back inside the cabin, I could hear Cece and Kelly's chatters in the backyard being loud over their card game. I was going to keep my camera in the room and join them, but someone walked out of the kitchen.
Jesse greeted me in a hoodie. His large frame filled the entire space we were in, and I suddenly caught his steel posture. He's rigid and cold. The expression in his eyes told me he had not expected to catch me here. Alone.
I straightened and glance away, avoiding his gaze for a moment. I couldn't believe he was here. He was here, and he seemed to hate that I was. That I caught him off guard. My nails dug into the palm of my hand and the camera almost slipped out of my other hand.
"H...hi," I stammered in greeting, but Jesse strode forward and I was left staring at the man. I held my eyes to his, hoping for another glance. He whisked past me without a word. Without another glance. Like I was not there. I could feel a sharp sting behind my eyes, tears of frustration threatening to escape. "Jesse." I whipped around, seeing him halt in his steps.
He doesn't turn around.
"H..how are you?"
I regretted the words the second they left my mouth. There was a shift in the air, in Jesse, in everything. He remained hard and unmoving as frozen stone.
And I deserved it. I couldn't have chosen the wrong thing to say to him. How is he? It's laughable to consider I deserved to know how he was. Angry, to even question him about his wellbeing. The state he was in. Oh, he seemed fine. Well enough. What did I expect? That he was wallowing in sadness like I have been?
He turned and regarded me. "What?" It's one syllabus, but there were so many layers to that word; a question, a challenge, a threat.
I didn't know which layer to focus on, but all seemed like a bad, rotten egg. No matter what I do, it won't erase the anger and loathing I felt towards myself for messing things up with him.
"I'm sorry," I blurted out immediately, wincing. This was the first time I have seen him in weeks, and it's not coming along as I had hoped. I didn't think it was going to be easy, but I had no idea it would be this painfully hard.
Jesse frowned. "Sorry? What about?" There was so much resentment in his voice that there's a difference to the man I have known all my life and the man standing in front of me. He's never sounded like that before. His voice had always laced with amusement and boredom, never bitter and brutal. It made it obviously clear he hated me now. That he never hated me before, and I couldn't believe I didn't clock on it.
"Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ambush your right now. I know you want to avoid me, but I didn't mean to stop you and say hi. I was just coming back from the woods and I thought it was Jason-I will go out of your way if that's what you want." There was a crack in my voice.
Something flickered in his eyes. "It's not my house, Iris. You can do whatever the fuck you want."
Tears sprang into my eyes. It hurts more to hear him say that. Hear his indifference towards me when he had hovered over my space and drank me in all the time. A few months ago felt more like a century. I could feel the distance. I could practically hear as the distance kept going further and further.
I took a deep breath in and locked eyes with him; they were empty and seemingly devoid of emotion.
The tension broke apart when Jason waltzed in and reared back in surprise when he saw us. It almost seemed like it wasn't such a coincidence my brother stumbled into a room every time Jesse and I were in an awkward position. It felt more like a joke.
"Hey, did you get the beer?" he threw the question at his best friend, and didn't even acknowledge the tension in the room.
Jesse cut our gaze when he looked back at Jason and bounced the pack of beer in his hand. A grin split across his face. "You're fucking impatient, man." Then he walked off and Jason went with him, heading for the backyard. Their soft chuckles carried all the way back to me until it drifted into the wind.
I stood there, staring at the door he walked out from like he might come back any second and apologize for being an ice cube. Then I could apologize for being a bitch, for hurting him. But Jesse didn't.
My chest felt like it's filled with knives when I went back to my room. Not a moment had passed before Cece walked inside, and something tells me Jason sent her to check on me. As if I have been waiting for her, I fell into her body and clung to her. A hand immediately started rubbing comforting circles on my back as she embraced me in her arms.
It took less than a minute for Jesse to break me apart, to shut down any hopeful feelings.
"I don't think I can do this," I choked into her chest. I shouldn't give up. It was weakness to give up without even trying, but I felt discouraged. My heart held a ton of pain that weighed me down.
Cece pulled back to stare at me. "Are you insane? You have feelings for him. You hurt him. Don't expect things to be easy. It's a long fight that you shouldn't lose yet."
She was not nice enough to remind me everything was my fault, but enough to comfort me.
That was how Kelly found us in the room-Cece with her arms around my shoulder, and me sniffling into my cousin's warmth. She doesn't ask because she knew. She went out and hurried back with a glass of water, then sat on the bed.
"Here, drink some water."
I could barely drink more than one sip, but it was enough to moist my dry throat.
Later, I snuck out of the bedroom to get something to eat from the kitchen. I barely ate earlier, and the thought of sleeping without having anything didn't feel like the right thing. I was walking down the hallway when I heard Jason and Jesse's voices from the bedroom.
I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn't stop myself from doing it. My legs carried me to Jesse's bedroom, where the door was left slightly ajar.
"I don't know, man," I heard my brother saying. He sounded upset. "Are you sure?"
"I can't stand to look at her," came Jesse's voice, frustration in it.
I held my breath. They were talking about me. I needed to walk away, to spare myself from hearing this because I was stumbling upon something not meant for me to hear.
I didn't listen. It was like being caught in a net, fighting to get out, but surrendering to the captivity.
"Jesse-"
"No, seriously, I thought I could handle it, but seeing her now makes every harder than before. I hate her, you know? She's killing me, man. If you hadn't begged me to come, I wouldn't have."
Jason begged him to come? He never wanted to come.
"Just bear with it, okay?" Jason retorted. "You have done that for years. When you leave here, you never have to see or talk to her again."
"I can't fucking wait. I don't know how you do it, but she's unbearable to live with."
My chest tightened. Unbearable?
"Hey, that's my sister. We may not see eye to eye all the time, but she's not unbearable."
A snort followed. "Tell that to the lives of the people she had sucked. We are all living in her dark, soulless life. An endless life of pain. Thumbs up to the people that escaped it. I envy them."
Jason sighed. "Sleep on it, Jesse. You're not making any sense right now. And for the love of god, stop drinking." There were soft noises as if Jason was moving around the room.
Jesse chuckled. "Leave me alone, Iris. Let me save myself from your clutches," he called into the room as if he was imagining me in front of him.
I backed up, quickly getting as far away as possible. My shaky legs took me back to my room, where Cece was sleeping soundly. Afraid to wake her up, I went into the bathroom and locked the door.
Then I broke down.